The Enchanter

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The Enchanter

There was blood everywhere. Her blood. It coated the floor, the wall, the curtains, the window. So much blood pooling around her prone form.

Just like the first time they met.

A rival lord had beaten her until her bones cracked and splintered, piercing through her bruised flesh like serrated fangs through diseased gums. He had found her lying in the road, having fallen from her steed, a nightmare of discolored skin and misshapen features, blood steeped into her hair, just like now.

He found her and nursed her back to health, not knowing who she was or where she was from. It didn't matter then. When she first awoke, she refused to tell him her name. He was patient, though, and understanding, and she eventually told him: Melandele, it was, the Overlord's favored daughter.

But it didn't matter because he loved her, and she loved him. And she swore to give up the ways of villainy, to reform, to become a good person.

He gave her the name Melanie.

The first time they coupled was beyond magnificent, and they danced impeccably the language of love. He still remembered with alacrity the way she called his name ("Clarent! Oh, Clarent!") as they crossed the peak of blissful release. And it was just the first of many, many more, each a precious jewel of memory in his mind, a treasure trove of emotion and sensation.

The day she told him of her pregnancy shone brightly in that sea of gems, an emerald clearer than any nature could fashion. The day she consented to marry him, to become his wife, was colored the purest shade of amethyst, all the months afterwards tinged with optimistic rose.

And then the day their son was born, the first moment he beheld their child, touched him, cradled him, was a perfect diamond with fire of every hue.

They named the boy Thirilight ("We'll call him Thirry, for short."). "Bright ruler" it meant, a good, proud name, one he would grow into in the future. And grow he did! Inquisitive, intelligent, and talented with magic from an early age, always fascinated by the enchanted trinkets his father would fashion, it seemed there would be another fine enchanter in the line of Ardyer.

The day of Thirry's sixth birthday occupied a special pedestal in the ocean of jewels. He introduced the boy to The Sword of Baellyne ("It can talk, Daddy!"), and the blade accepted the name Thirry bestowed upon it ("I'm gonna call you Wordy because you like to talk."), acknowledging him as its future bearer.

The future seemed so bright then with Thirry destined to become a hero like his forefathers before him, another beacon of hope shining for the people. But all good things must come to an end, especially when they were never truly good to begin with.

Melanie ("My name is Melandele!") had lied when she promised to give up her villainous ways. She was more devious and conniving than ever, even plotting to turn their own son to the ways of evil. And he could not allow that.

He tried to confront her peaceably about it, tried to persuade her to truly join the path of righteousness, but she attacked him ("I should have killed you years ago."), and he was forced to defend himself. She fought hard and well, but in the end, he was victorious, the amulet he crafted for her useless against its creator. She lay there before him, defeated, like the first time they met, soaked in her own blood. This time, however, there would be no recovery ("I never lied about loving you.").

He killed her.

Thirry saw and ran away from his father, from his home; ran to his grandmother's, he supposed, since the Overlord arrived so swiftly to avenge his precious daughter's death. He had never thought that a man like Mehr Vynd could feel such human emotions as grief and loss. How very wrong he was.

Even the most evil of villains have hearts.

Before Vynd struck the final blow, before he joined Melandele ("I have always hated the name Melanie."), he made one final request: give The Sword and Melandele's amulet to Thirry.

The Overlord's nod was slight, barely there, but he knew the man would honor this dying request, not out of respect for the dead, but because they were both fathers, and this last entreaty was a final act of love for his son.

With this reassuring thought in mind, he closed his eyes and accepted his fate with a sad smile, hoping that, one day, Thirry would forgive him.

---

And to think that Thirry's story is a comedy. XD

Melandele is pronounced me-LAN-de-lee and rhymes with Melanie, if it wasn't clear from the context.
Last edited by Kale on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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wow. I love how you added the surprise element at the end. I really wasn't expecting him to be the one that caused her to be in that state.

"A rival lord had beaten her until her bones cracked and splintered, piercing through her bruised flesh like serrated fangs through diseased gums. He had found her lying in the road, having fallen from her steed, a nightmare of discolored skin and misshapen features, blood steeped into her hair, just like now. "


Each and every sentence is so detailed in describing her. Which makes it so interesting to read!

Thirry's story is a comedy? how so?




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Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed this. n_n

fatimachan wrote:Thirry's story is a comedy? how so?

It's kind of tough to explain. XD All sorts of things, good and bad and ridiculous, happen to him and the other characters, but most of the humor comes from how he and the other characters react to those situations. Like in Chapter 1, Thirry gets stabbed in the liver, yet his thoughts on the matter are hilarious.

I have the first 3 chapters up here, so you can see for yourself what I mean. :P




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Hey there,
I really really really liked this!! Lol. The vocabulary, your style, everything was just flawless. I haven't read Thirry's story. Is this a prologue to it, or...?
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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I was hoping to get revenge :twisted: but I couldn't find much wrong with this.

I assume it's meant to be just an overview/prologue to give some background, so the use of narrative summary was probably intended.

Melandele, it was, the Overlord's favored daughter.


I'd use "she" rather than "it". Also I'd use a semicolon rather than a comma after was.

The first paragraph was particularly good, as a first paragraph sould be. It made me want to read more. I also liked the metaphors with the different gemstones.

This is just a personal opinion, but i think you could have shortened some phrases, eg.

forefathers before him


If they're his forefathers then it's obvious they came before him.

and
The day she consented to marry him, to become his wife


Basically you're saying the same thing twice. Also if you keep it like this the comma should be a semicolon.

These two aren't really major, and more a matter of taste, but I prefer a minimalist style, and am a strong supporter of George Orwell's belief that if you can cut it out and the story still makes sense, cut it out.

Some people would probably disagree though.

The spelling and grammar was all good. There were a few commas that should have been semicolons, but that's a minor issue, and semicolons are a very difficult punctuation mark to master; I even have trouble with them sometimes.

Hey, I just used one. Basically I find I just know instinctively where to use them; plenty of reading helps the subconscious mind pick up that skill.

I used another one!

Here is an excerpt from a short story I wrote:
They walked along the sand towards the ruins. Arabana led the way; she knew these lands.


The part on the left is used to clarify or expand on the part on the right. A full stop wouldn't be incorrect here, but the semicolon shows how the sentences are linked.

This may sound confusing, but that's semicolons for you.
(that could have been rewritten as: This may sound confusing; that's semicolons for you)

Overall this was well written. Congrats.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

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Thanks for the reviews. n_n

I haven't read Thirry's story. Is this a prologue to it, or...?

It's more of a side-story and intended to mostly stand alone. You don't have to read this to enjoy Thirry's story, and you don't have to have read Thirry's story to enjoy this. :D

I was hoping to get revenge but I couldn't find much wrong with this.

XD

I'd use "she" rather than "it". Also I'd use a semicolon rather than a comma after was.

The "it" refers to her name rather than Melandele herself. Also, I think a colon or m-dash would be mor appropriate as "the Overlord's favored daughter" is a dependent clauses; semicolons are generally used for independent clauses whereas colons are for dependent.

These two aren't really major, and more a matter of taste, but I prefer a minimalist style, and am a strong supporter of George Orwell's belief that if you can cut it out and the story still makes sense, cut it out.

Some people would probably disagree though.

I'm not one of those that disagree. :P The repetition, though, was intentional. When someone reminisces about their past, they tend to repeat themselves. Also, they tend to repeat things important to them. Consider it characterization. :P

There were a few commas that should have been semicolons, but that's a minor issue, and semicolons are a very difficult punctuation mark to master; I even have trouble with them sometimes.

I love my commas a little too much. XD I do know how to properly use semicolons, though, and I'll be looking through this again to see where semicolons would be better used (instead of commas). Comma abuse is a hard habit to break. XD




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A rival lord had beaten her until her bones cracked and splintered, piercing through her bruised flesh like serrated fangs through diseased gums.


I like the sentence, but I think you can come up with a better word for beaten. With the vocabulary you use, it just doesn't fit. Throttled, maybe?

Other than that, it sounds like it would be very interesting. Now I have to go and read the other part.
The doorway has been opened.
Stab.



Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist