Holy Rolling (5)

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[jim]

Jim threw himself into his work with every sinew and muscle and tendon. His whole body plucked and straining, frantically pushing, bones standing near to his skin, like worms rising through the dirt in a rainstorm. He shoved himself against the plow, digging into the hot, crumbly earth and urging the tired nag on with sharp, irontipped words. There was dust on his lips and dust in his eyes and dust in his hair. Dust rose from the severe land like dying wishes, cold on the mouths of dying men. The nose of the plow couldn't push through the earth more than an inch. It was all shale and fossilized prayers. Jim's father and all of their neighbors had given up on farming their land. They sat in the dry, insubstantial shade, sipping water and conserving energy, lethargic and fat. It was useless, they said. It was utterly and completely a waste of time. There came a point where tools and ingenuity and a man's back where no match for bitter, shamed land.
But Jim was possessed. He didn't care. He had to do something. He had to do something to keep his evil, sinful thoughts from flourishing. Taking root in the soft, loamy gray matter of his brain and populating his dreams with sick spores and hazy pollen clouds of hopelessness and regret. They way he looked at it, the faster he worked, the harder it would be for the devil to catch him. And so he toiled hysterically. Scuttering like an ant. Sweat soaking through his shirt and all of his sin purging though his pores and stinking up the stagnant air and the fingertips of Satan himself caressing his neck and breathing on the small hairs of his arms with the scent of a lover. He didn't stop. He didn't water the horse. He didn't think or feel or see.
The soles of his shoes were hot to the touch.
His knees where bloody and torn where he had fallen in his haste.
The grinding music of the plow against the shale.
He had killed her. Or, at least that's how it felt. He had taken something irreplaceable. Jim had taken her purity and her virtue and her goodness and perverted them into flimsy, pale substitutes. She would never get them back. She was about as good as a whore. Another two-bit vessel of sin on the street corner, painted up by mascara and the thin, inexpensive glow of the streetlights. Muddy and ruined. Her pure, untouched flesh corroded by his fingers. He hated himself for doing it. How could he have been so thoughtless? So impulsive, for godssakes?
Her ragweed hair.
Her hips and the undersides of her wrists, broken geometries.
Her eyes empty and rimmed red.
He threw himself into his work. Until his back ached and his head pounded thickly because he hadn't had any water since daybreak. Jim plowed eight acres of dead, stingy land until he stopped sweating and his mouth became dry and papery. Purple blotches skewed in front of his eyes – fat shimmering amoebas that crawled on their bellies across his vision. The whole world reeled and ducked and tacked, like a ship in the crotch of a storm. Choking, clay-packed throat. Breathing through his mouth because his nostrils were clogged with dirt and dust.
He worked until his legs gave out from under him.
Soundless, he fell face first into the hot, burning dirt. It got in his mouth and between his teeth. He opened his eyes and sky was yellow. Yellow and patched. Closed them. He laid there for a while, feeling his heart throbbing in his head, a jiving, thumping artillery. Fervent, unaccounted for words slipped out of his mouth while he laid there. He propped himself on his elbows and cracked his eyelids open again and his vision fizzed and sparked like cheap, cardboard chinese fireworks. Drymouthed, licking his lips, tasting the salt, he crawled to his feet and stumbled towards the house. Water. He needed water. The rattling tithing box of his head. Splintered vision. Sucking mouth. Stumbling. Falling. Getting back up again.
And the whole world shifting and restless, like the feet of a tramp.
waterwaterwater.
He stumbled onto the porch, flung open the screen door, and spilled into the house. His parents were gone for the day in the next town over looking at a new car. The house was reserved and mournful, accepting him like a shameful donation, secretly, like a charity. He ran into the kitchen turned on the water in the sink, fumbled for a glass but couldn't make his fingers work right, and finally gave up, thrusting his head under the flow of water.
drink up, drink up.
Jim drank until he couldn't hold anymore. He sat at the table. He could feel the devil at the door. His head ached. It ached so bad that he could barely put together a thought. The purple blotches were turning into black spots. He closed his eyes and laid his head on the table, but he could hear whispering. Quiet, tickling words. Words that crept along his spine and curled around his ears with a milky, soothing touch.
hush, baby.
don't cry, baby.

He felt dizzier now then before. He was afraid that if he stood up, the pain would be worse, and so he stayed where he was.The words trouped into his ears, liplessly proselyting. At first, they were hazy and indecipherable. He was only concerned about the devil, waiting on the porch like a friend come to jaw on a hot day. But then they grew in volume, along with a steady drumming in his head. Opening up. Focusing themselves until they were syllables and consonants. An eerie syntax.
sin, they said.
scum.
thief.
liar, cheater, whoremonger.
Jim stiffened and clenched his jaw. He was sorry, he swore he was. Genuinely sorry. He had sinned, but there was forgiveness, just like Pastor Franklin always said. There was repentance. He could right his wrongs.
damnation.
you filthy hypocrite.
taking the poor girl's soul. bastard son of perdition.
Jim shook his head. The words turned into voices. Speaking as a collective. Like a savage chant around a blossoming, edifying fire. There was the cold scalpel of the devil's finger playing with his neck skin. He stood up, knocking his chair over. His head practically split open. Eyes half-closed, he flung himself against the wall and bit his tongue.
you are mine now. you have no right to be here. sinner. a sin so black you could never scrub it out. there you are. rotten and soulless. with your filth and sticky sex.
“Get out!” he screamed and pounded the wall with his fists. “Get out!”
His throat was so dry.
His legs were weak and felt thin, like the skinny, white roots of a pulled up weed.
Smiling, smiling stood the devil. And the senseless buzzing flies, tapping at the glass. Knocking at the glass.
pig. stinking, cursed pig. you will join us. join us and burn. a match out of your soul and yellow chalky sulfur smeared in your mouth so that you will never know satisfaction or quench or –
Jim screamed. He screamed and spun around, his eyes wide and bulbed. He knocked up against the kitchen counter, pulled open the drawers and flung them out. Knives and utensils and the handgun his dad kept there (more as compensation than protection) spilled out. His head, his head. Stomping, rhythmic splintering of his head, like the steady, sweaty hammering of an iron spike into helpless tracks of rail.
look at yourself.
look.
stained. stained beyond repair. what good? what good are you now? a soiled garment. useless unrepentance.
“No! No!”
He slid down the wall, his hands cupped around his ears, his stomach sick, knotted up and hardskinned like a prematurely picked green apple. Bile in his throat. Tapping at the glass. The devil smiling so gentlemanly. At the door. Dizzy buzzing. The rot of his hands. I swear, I swear, I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to! A bow and the swivel of jitterbug and clap. Room swaying like a dancefloor. Bleeding spots. Jim couldn't think straight. The shadows flip and ribbet. A slow contraction around him, scaly-necked and vulturous. Wide mouth. Devil has such nice, even teeth, almost filed down. He kneels. Ringing in his ears, a caterwauling siren song. And the evil words, wriggling through his thoughts like worms in a corpse.
jim.
you're a worthless, faithless monster. but i'm here. don't worry. speed it quick. i'll be here for you. too late for a broken soul. too –
“Stop!” His voice cracked, weak. His hands scrambled. He was lying on the linoleum. His fingers wrapped around the pistol butt. Tears on his face. Cold, saltless tears. Sizzling on the griddle of his cheeks.
Charlotte! Charlie! Girl, my baby! Love you like a million but not good enough. You can't know my sorriness. Can't eat your sin, but it'll sure eat me.
jim.
I can't touch you anymore! Fingers burn. And he's at my doorstep. Charlie, act like it didn't happen. It didn't happen. It was only me. It was only ever me. Oil in your purity.
jim.
The voices swarmed. The room contorted like a face after hearing a vulgar profanity. Knock, knock. The devil beside him. He could see his shoes. Nicely polished, his face reflected in them. Rolled cuffs. Mudless. Dustless. He was so scared. And the fingers were so cold. Stroking, admiring, and reverent.
Stop crying, dollface.
Squirming black dots, like colonies of bacteria growing on a petri dish.
i'm right here, jim boy.
Panting.
Thirsty.
He lifted the gun. He wasn't even thinking anymore. Something controlling his arm, a stiff guiding. A mechanical hinge and lever, creaking up to the mouth, into the mouth. Jim closed his eyes. He prayed to Charlotte. He prayed frantically, but not to God, never to God.
The gunshot made the skin on the plowhorse in the yard shiver.
The heat mourned.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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^_^ Here again~! -high fives-

Jim threw himself into his work with every sinew and muscle and tendon.


I know this is not /that/ important of an opening line, but when I read it I felt you had the possibility of adding one more noun of the body that was a bit more grisly and gristly. Something kind of dirty that foreshadows the rest of this piece? ^_^

bones standing near to his skin


I didn't get this visual. Did it mean the muscles had deteriorated back so the bones were next to the skin? Even if it doesn't mean anything specific, the word 'standing' proves a specific problem for me. =( Bones standing? Hmmm. Consider reworking.

It was all shale and fossilized prayers.


-worships this line- Brilliant.

a man's back where no match for bitter, shamed land.


*were no match

He threw himself into his work. Until his back ached and his head pounded thickly because he hadn't had any water since daybreak.


You could combine these without any harm to the meaning, so I don't know why you separated them. ^_^

Purple blotches skewed in front of his eyes – fat shimmering amoebas that crawled on their bellies across his vision.


So, I put the definition here for my own reference. No worries. Just. I don't like the verb 'skewed' here.
'Crawled' in the next sentence is so powerful and the rest of that is just as powerful that it makes the first part of the sentence seem like you don't even need it. -shrugs- See what you can do with it.

v. intr.

1. To take an oblique course or direction.
2. To look obliquely or sideways.

He opened his eyes and sky was yellow.


Oh, just read this sentence to yourself. It's missing something. =P

Fervent, unaccounted for words slipped out of his mouth while he laid there.


I think you'd have to make it 'unaccounted-for words' because you're trying to apply both of the words to 'words'. xD That was a confusing sentence, but I hope you know what I mean.

sparked like cheap, cardboard chinese fireworks.


Capitalize 'Chinese', unless there's a reason for not doing so?

A bow and the swivel of jitterbug and clap. Room swaying like a dancefloor. Bleeding spots. Jim couldn't think straight. The shadows flip and ribbet. A slow contraction around him, scaly-necked and vulturous. Wide mouth.


1. Ribbet?
2. So, I noticed you were just using little fragments throughout this whole, incredibly tense section, but then it got thrown off for me when you threw in the whole, complete sentences of 'Jim couldn't think straight.' First of all, I think that's rather obvious by now, so I don't know that it's necessary. Secondly, though, if you want to keep it, try to make it blend in with the surrounding sentences a bit more? ^_^

He prayed to Charlotte. He prayed frantically, but not to God, never to God.


Good. Fantastic. Amazing, as was this whole piece. ^_^ Good to see some connection to past pieces as well, and I really like the way this is going. =D Fantastic! I hope I was of some help. >_<; PM me when six is up? ^_^

-Hannah-




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Hi Ky. I'm here to drop off my two cents.

This was good, very good. I liked it a lot. So much, in fact, I can't find a cross word to say about the whole thing. I can see now how the heat works through everything, like you mentioned to me before. How it all drives Jim to commit suicide is very put together, and I give you kudos for it.

Overall, nothing else to say. Good job, and good luck with the next part.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Ky! I like how I'm on top of the reviews now. :)
---

The nose of the plow couldn't push through the earth more than an inch. It was all shale and fossilized prayers.

Gasp... I love this description, or the end part of it...

The characterization of Jim is done very well. The reasoning for his overworking himself, the repetence for his actions... it's all well paced, and had me thinking back to earlier in the story, which is nice since right now your story is strewn over many characters and settings. His suicide is startling, but interesting... it goes along, obviously, with the "strange things are happening" theme.

Not much of a review this is, but I'm speculating now where you're going with this story. I really can't predict... it's building up to something but I'm not sure why things are strange, and what will happen. But I know that you know, because I know you Ky, so I guess I just have to wait and see.

Sorry I'm not any help, but... love!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Ky I love you.

This was just brilliant! I couldn't stop reading to the end and like Connie I can't say anything bad about this because this was beautifully constructed, the words were executed well and from beginning to end it was just brilliant!

I like how the heat is driving everyone crazy and ending every chapter in The heat (place verb here) is just really intriguing. It makes me thirst for the next part but this, I'll have to say is my second favorite.

Favorite part:
He lifted the gun. He wasn't even thinking anymore. Something controlling his arm, a stiff guiding. A mechanical hinge and lever, creaking up to the mouth, into the mouth. Jim closed his eyes. He prayed to Charlotte. He prayed frantically, but not to God, never to God.

The gunshot made the skin on the plowhorse in the yard shiver.

The heat mourned.


Lovely way to end this.

Well, keep me posted!

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Hey, Kylan! I'm sorry for neglecting to read all these. But I'm here now, so let's see how much I can get done.


This was, quite frankly, some of the best writing I have ever read from you. Kylan, this was dazzling. Even though I hadn't read this story for a while (is Jim a new character?) I fell instantly under the grip of this passage. It was intense, scary, and horrifying and all those words put together. It was amazing, man.

I struggled to keep my eyes off the words. My heart was pounding, my eyes were dancing around in my sockets, trying to read it faster and faster. What you have done here in absolute genius. You made us feel his confusion. His distortion. All of those short sentences, phew. Man, that was absolutely an amazing read. I can't find a single critique to give you, except this short one:

Charlotte! Charlie! Girl, my baby! Love you like a million but not good enough. You can't know my sorriness. Can't eat your sin, but it'll sure eat me.


I'm not quite sure who is thinking this. Well, obviously Jim is, but I don't understand what it is talking about. I absolutely loved the devil in this. I also commend you for your distinct style with his voice. You know. Uncapitalizing everything. I thought it was a clever way to put his voice apart from Jim's.

So, this was breathtaking. Absolutely stunning. I'm amazed.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell