Illusion

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Okay, I know it doesn't sound very magic-like right now, but it is. PLEASE REVEIW!!! I NEED THE COMMENTS!!!!


Matt looked out the window at the setting sun with a sigh. Tomorrow was the first day of school, and he still had to write two essays and do five pages of math. He sighed again and looked around his dorm room. It was boring, a single bed, a bookcase filled with books of multiple genres, and a picture of Twilight. Matt didn't like to admit it, but Twilight was his favorite book. Edward stood with his arms wrapped around Bella, staring protectively; Carlisle had his hands on Esme's shoulders, Emmet stood with his arms folded; Rosalie glared a death stare; Alice had a large smile; Jasper stood was in the back with a distant look. Matt always wondered why Jasper was in the back. It might be that he was different, but he was accepted in the family, so wouldn't he be standing closer, or at least holding hands with Alice? Matt wished that he had a Bella. He didn't care if she was some blood-sucking demon; at least he had someone who would love him unconditionally.

He sighed once more and looked out over the grounds towards the rose garden. It was a small maze of rose bushes, stone benches placed at random intervals, and at the very center, a water fountain of a beautiful mermaid with the saddest look Matt had ever seen. Maybe walking in the maze would help him think, then he would get right back to his homework.

Matt stepped out into the cool evening air, the smell of wet grass and roses thick. He set off towards the rose garden at a quick pace, for reasons unknown. He weaved through the maze until he came to the very center, where he sat down upon the side of the stone fountain, thinking. He glanced towards the dark, menacing woods that surrounded the grounds. The boys weren't allowed in the woods, especially after those two boys had disappeared into them. Why they would want to go in there was a mystery to Matt; it was filled with dangerous creatures like wolves and bears.

Matt glanced towards the school and saw a figure coming towards him. Oh crap! he thought. The sun's set and we're not allowed out here after dark! I'll get in so much trouble and school hasn't even started yet! He looked around and quickly darted behind some bushes.

He peered out from behind the branches and saw that it was Headmaster O'Neil. The Headmaster wore a three-piece suit and his grey hair stood in puffs around his head. His crooked nose was peeling and his skin hung limply on his face like an over grown coat. The Headmaster sat down on the fountain with his back towards Matt. He pulled out a pocket watch, looked at it, then placed it back in his pocket.

Movement out of the corner of Matt's eye made him turn to look at it. Two dark figures pulled themselves from the shadows of the woods and glided towards the Headmaster, feet seeming to not touch the ground. As they approached Matt saw by the curves of their bodies that it was two women--no, now that he looked closer, it was two girls, girls that couldn't be much older than him.

The two figures stopped in front of the Headmaster and, at that very moment, the full moon broke through the clouds to illuminate their features. Matt gasped in surprise.

The girl who seemed to be the leader of the two was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Her wavy red hair cascaded down like a waterfall to her shoulders and her piercing eyes were the color of moss. Her pale, flawless skin radiated in the moonlight and her soft lips were the color of blood. Even though it was a cool night, she wore a green tank top, capri jeans and no shoes. When Matt saw her, he wanted to run towards her and away from her at the same exact time.

Her companion had jet-black hair that hung down to her waist and grey eyes. Her mouth was set in a hard line that looked as though it had been carved out of stone. She wore a black t-shirt and black jeans and stood next to her leader like a protector, a guardian.

As the two stood, looming over the brittle Headmaster, they cast an aura of someone who was not to be trifled with. It reminded Matt of beauty before death, like the beauty of a black cobra rearing back before sinking it's deadly teeth into its prey.

"Well?" said the beautiful red-haired girl. Her voice sounded like the last fading note played on a piano. "Is it done?"

"Yes." The Headmaster's creaky voice cut through the night air, making him wince. "And what of the boys?"

"They have been...taken care of."

Matt saw the red-hair girl's tongue flicker over her pearl-white teeth.

"I hope you didn't hurt them."

The red-haired girl leaned down towards the old man, her lips an inch away from his, green eyes blazing madly.

"Listen to me, you idiot. Those two were planning to kill you and massacre the whole school. Do you really think that they should have lived? Would you rather they killed over a hundred? You should be glad their dead. You should thank me for killing them. I did you a favor."

A scream climbed up Matt's throat, but he forced it down. He was in the presence of a murderer! The Headmaster had those two boys killed! He must have found out what they were planning, but instead of turning them into the police, he hired two hit men! Shivers rattled Matt's body, and cold sweat poured down his face.

"Th-thank you."

The girl smiled and patted his face. "That's right. That's why, in return, I had you do us that favor. And you better have, because I can just as easily carry out those boys plans, and, believe me, it won't be as merciful."

The Headmaster held up his hands. "No, no! I promise you! I did it! I got you in! I promise! Just don't hurt me!"

The girl smirked and straightened up. She looked at the dark girl and jerked her head towards the Headmaster. The dark girl crouched down in front of the Headmaster. For a second, it looked as though she was looking at Matt, but then she stared deep into the Headmaster's eyes, unblinking. They sat like that for many minutes before the girl said, "You will return to the school. You will act completely normal. You were out here for a stroll in the moonlight. You do not remember us one bit."

The dark girl stood up and both girls went across the grounds, melting into the shadows of the woods.

The Headmaster sat there for another minute before finally blinking. He shook his head, looked around, and smiled.

"Why, it's a beautiful night out here, don't you think my darling?" he said to the mermaid. She gave him a sad look in return.

A wind shook the branches of the near by trees. The Headmaster shivered, then headed back inside.

Matt realized that his lungs were crying for oxygen and he loudly gulped for air. He climbed out of the bush, dusted leaves off of him, then flopped down at the fountain. He sighed, overwhelmed at what he just saw. He glanced at the trees where the girls had disappeared, terrified that they might reappear and hurt him, but the night stayed unmoving. Matt's vision blurred, and he felt very tired, even though adrenaline still coursed through his veins. His eyes slowly drifted shut.

An owl drifted overhead, it's lone call piercing the still night.


Well? Do you like it? I don't care if you hated it or only read one paragraph, please respond!
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




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I'm not one for playing with grammar or spelling or any of the rest of it while reading. In fact, I'm impressed. It's good, and a mix of descriptive parts with dialog.

I would like to see how things continue, even though I have a slight idea whats coming next,(i read way to many books) the ending I can't figure out.

I would love to be able to help you improve it, but I can barley manage to improve my own work. Either way, I found it good.

I won't lie though, at first I thought it might end up being one of those first chapters that didn't suck me in, that didn't give me reason to keep reading but I was wrong. Something about it makes me want to read more.

Job well done. I'm impressed. :)
Why does believe have the word lie in it?

*like the line in my dp? Check out my one poem: "In Repair". I made the dp to match the poem.




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I recommend cutting out the two paragraphs entirely, because they're boring. Who cares what Matt thinks of Twilight or his homework or his love life? Sure, it develops his personality a little, but it doesn't do anything else. First make us care about Matt; then you can make us care about what he cares about. Until then, use other things to reel us in; creepy headmasterly conversations, for instance, that's always a good start.

I have to ask: how did these supernatural (I assume they are in some way supernatural) ladies miss the presence of an eavesdropper? They don't seem the type to be so careless. Curfew does not empty grounds guarantee, haha.

Okay, plot nitpicks aside, I think your writing is decent but not stunning. Especially your descriptions; I hate to say 'show, don't tell', because it's as often as not untrue, but I do think it would be helpful to keep in mind here. At the same time, when you do show, avoid purple prose or excessive figurative language; there are other clever ways to describe things that don't require such trite comparisons. Take this example:

The girl who seemed to be the leader of the two was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Her wavy red hair cascaded down like a waterfall to her shoulders and her piercing eyes were the color of moss. Her pale, flawless skin radiated in the moonlight and her soft lips were the color of blood. Even though it was a cool night, she wore a green tank top, capri jeans and no shoes. When Matt saw her, he wanted to run towards her and away from her at the same exact time.


I'm not interested in being a) told that she's beautiful and then b) having only her coloration and clothes described to me. I've known ugly redheads with flawless skin. (Well. One. You know what I mean. :XD). Why not describe her features instead of wasting time on less than original similes? Add a few details like a wide mouth or asymmetrical eyes, or something.

Just some general notes that I noticed. Take them with a pinch of salt, since I'm a persnickety reader. I think this isn't a bad start, overall, but it has a long ways to go to be really enjoyable reading.




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One thing I want to know is what does Matt look like? You start with foggy detail, to me anyway -I like detail-, and don't even describe him. I don't know how old he is, what color his hair or his eyes are, or even what build he is or even what clothes he wears. I know it be hard to incorporate his description but I imagine him as a twelve-year old boy who has brown curly hair and dark brown eyes. My mind kind of strays from the story and the character(s) if no description is given. Though all in all, it was actually pretty good, it reels me in a weird way but I like it. Good Work!
"Your imagination is your only limitation." -Tifa
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I loved it!!! It's really really nice!!! Write more!!! Nice begining!
Just, guys don't admit they like twilight, let alone hang up posters of them. How come Matt has it? It could mean so much about him, like: he doesn't have friends so no one comes into his room, in that case, what's the point of not putting up the poster? or, his friends are just as much of "nerds" [I'm assuming here, because, regretebly, all the guys who admit they like twilight are not very populaur] so they don't mind. or he is completely fine on the social callender, his friends just feel slightly uncomfortable. or, he's okay socialy and his friends are just really good people whod don't care what kind of posters he puts up! [like the world should be]
either way, I thought it was absolutely great!! maybe you should consider writting more about how he felt phisically. cold damp soil, cold sweat, him thinking that maybe he should make a run for it, I don't know, just feels more human that way! nice descriptions of the girls!! keep writting!!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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I am afraid to admit it, but I am a Twilight fan as well. I just have a few little things that really confused me. You said that the next day was going to be the first day of school and he had homework to do. Secondly, I don't get when he's out in the maze and the Headmaster comes out. Does Matt go to a boarding school? I think you should add more, because I want to see what will happen next. I was scared about the girls. I thought they were going to glance at him, jump on him, then murder him! But I like scary stories anyway. Overall, it was a pretty good story (not counting the confusions I had).




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Hey Dragnet,

I don't believe we've met at this stage. I might be wrong, I'm not sure, but in case I'm not, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. :)

So, let's take a look at your piece.

dragnet wrote:Matt looked out the window at the setting sun with a sigh.

This is your first sentence. You'll want to hook us. You want to grab our attention. Make us curious. I for one, don't find this to be overly intriguing. You have so much mystery in the chapter, that I think that you should start it from later on. Perhaps you would find that your start of story is way more gripping if it started while he was outside. There's plenty of time to show us his room later.

He sighed again and looked around his dorm room.

I must admit, I don't really like all of the sighing that occurs. Even if he does sigh, you don't need to tell us. The time could be far better spent analyzing some other vital details that need to be described at some time.

It was boring, a single bed, a bookcase filled with books of multiple genres, and a picture of Twilight.


There should be a semicolon after boring. You don't need to tell us what the picture was of. If you want to let us know that he's a girly-boy, then you can do this in other ways. Try rephrasing something like this: "It was boring; a single bed and a bookcase lined with books of many genres decorated the floor. Several posters hung on the wall."

Matt didn't like to admit it, but Twilight was his favorite book. Edward stood with his arms wrapped around Bella, staring protectively; Carlisle had his hands on Esme's shoulders, Emmet stood with his arms folded; Rosalie glared a death stare; Alice had a large smile; Jasper stood was in the back with a distant look. Matt always wondered why Jasper was in the back. It might be that he was different, but he was accepted in the family, so wouldn't he be standing closer, or at least holding hands with Alice? Matt wished that he had a Bella. He didn't care if she was some blood-sucking demon; at least he had someone who would love him unconditionally.

If Matt didn't like to admit it, how come he had a poster up on his wall? I would simply nix this, and if you want to tell us how he longs for love, there's plenty more time for this.

He sighed once more and looked out over the grounds towards the rose garden.

This is the third time he's sighing. And for the third time, I can't help but feel this is extraneous redundant, and flat-out unnecessary.

It was a small maze of rose bushes, stone benches placed at random intervals, and at the very center, a water fountain of a beautiful mermaid with the saddest look Matt had ever seen. Maybe walking in the maze would help him think, then he would get right back to his homework.

This is a beautiful piece. Just change the comma to a period after "think".

The next piece, I'm going to slightly edit in the quote box. Watch carefully.
Matt stepped out into the cool evening air. the smells of wet grass and roses werethick in the air. He set off towards the rose garden at a quick pace[s],[/s] for reasons [s]unknown[/s] that even he didn't know. He weaved through the maze until he came to the very center, where he sat down upon the side of the stone fountain, thinking. He [s]glanced towards[/s] peered into the dark, menacing woods that surrounded the grounds. The boys weren't allowed in the woods, especially after those two boys had disappeared [s]into them[/s] there.


Matt glanced towards the school and saw a figure coming towards him. Oh crap! he thought. The sun's set and we're not allowed out here after dark! I'll get in so much trouble and school hasn't even started yet! He looked around and quickly darted behind some bushes.

Somehow this part didn't quite click with me. Perhaps, "Matt's eyes focused on the school that he had left behind. A figure was approaching him. He knew he couldn't let them see him out after curfew. Frantically, he darted behind a row of bushes to avoid the certain problems he would cause. Hell, he was almost in trouble, and school hadn't even started yet.

He peered out from behind the branches and saw that it was Headmaster O'Neil. The Headmaster wore a three-piece suit and his grey hair stood in puffs around his head. His crooked nose was peeling and his skin hung limply on his face like an over grown coat. The Headmaster sat down on the fountain with his back towards Matt. He pulled out a pocket watch, looked at it, then placed it back in his pocket.

Very nice!

Movement out of the corner of Matt's eye made him turn to look at it.

You make it sound like the movement came out of Matt's eye. Try, "A flicker of movement appeared in the corner of Matt's eye. He swiveled silently to meet it. "

feet seeming to not touch the ground.

Their feet seemed to float.

Matt gasped in surprise.

Try, "Matt swallowed in shock."

The girl who seemed to be the leader of the two was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

How did she seem to be the leader?

When Matt saw her, he wanted to run towards her and away from her at the same exact time.

It's up to you, but I'd nix this line.

Once again, I'm going to edit this inside the quote box:
[s]As[/s] the two stood, looming over the brittle Headmaster[s],[/s]. [s]they cast an aura of someone who was not to be trifled with[/s] Their very souls seemed to shout, "Don't mess with me." It reminded Matt of beauty before death, like the beauty of a black cobra rearing back before sinking it's deathly [s]deadly[/s] teeth into its prey.


The girl smiled and patted his face. "That's right. That's why, in return, I had you do us that favor. And you better have, because I can just as easily carry out those boys plans, and, believe me, it won't be as merciful."

Try, "I do hope you've been as productive as we have. I warn you if you haven't succeeded, you will be no better off than you would have been had we failed to do our jobs."

"You will return to the school. You will act completely normal. You were out here for a stroll in the moonlight. You do not remember us one bit."

You don't remember us in the least.

The dark girl stood up and both girls went across the grounds, melting into the shadows of the woods.

Try, "The dark girl stood up, before both girls floated through the grounds melting into the shadows." It's up to you, but I also think this would be a good place to end the chapter.

A wind shook the branches of the near by trees. The Headmaster shivered, then headed back inside.

Before heading back inside.

He sighed, overwhelmed at what he just saw.

He sighed overwhelmed at what he had just witnessed.

He glanced at the trees where the girls had disappeared, terrified that they might reappear and hurt him, but the night stayed unmoving.

His eyes wandered over to the trees where the girls had disappeared. He wondered whether they might reappear to make him their next victim, but the night remained silent.

An owl drifted overhead, it's lone call piercing the still night.

Beautiful :)


This piece is pretty solid. You have drive which is excellent, and have an idea where you want to take this. I do like this a lot. :)

Have a good one! :)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Hey dragnet! I haven't heard from you in a while.

Now about your story.

I liked it, a lot. One thing I have to say is, you have Matt sighing,..... a lot. I mean I understand why he is sighing so much, but still. Other than that I thought it was pretty good.

If you get a chance please pm me.

*Archer*
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Give me my cookie back!

Haha.... I tricked you! That kid over there has my cookie!




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Hiya,

Matt realized that his lungs were crying for oxygen and he loudly gulped for air.


It flows better if you type 'gulped loudly' instead of 'loudly gulped'.

Like archer123 said, you had Matt sighing a lot. It takes away from the beginning. Otherwise, this is pretty good. You have an attractive writing style, and the plot sounds very interesting.
Keep writing!
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No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
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