Toby's Lunch

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This is for Jared's contest. Don't read it if you have a weak stomach or anything.


This is where my story ends. Teeth ripping through my flesh, piercing my organs, and grinding it all into paste. Blood coming from the gaping hole in my stomach. It's thick and it no longer runs through me, warming my body. It escapes by the puncture wounds of canines ripping my skin like paper.

I smiled at the group of young children. They all came up to hug me and it felt so great. I was finally a teacher that kids actually loved. This had to be the greatest feeling in my short 28 years, and no one could take this away from me. Toby was the only one who stood in the back, not happy to see me.

I screamed as I saw him, chewing into a corpse. I wanted to gag, but I could only stand there with a look of pure terror on my face. He growled at me, blood dripping from his mouth. I backed up slowly and then turned to run.

“Ms. Hannah! Ms. Hannah!” they shouted, smiles on their faces. I calmed down their bouncing little bodies and had them sit in their seats. I loved looking at these adorable second graders. It always made me hurt with the loss of my first and last child, but these were my kids now and that was all that mattered anymore.

He snarled loud and ran after me. For a child he was pretty fast, and very frightening. I wouldn’t allow myself to look back, I needed to keep running. The door wasn’t too far away now, I could make it! Suddenly a strong force slammed into my back and I fell to the ground.

“How is everyone today?” I asked, grinning at them all. They responded in a chorus of “Good!” and “Great!” and “Awesome!” and I couldn’t help laughing. Such adorable children. As I passed out their worksheets, I gave each one of them a compliment on their latest work. As I approached Toby, he stared at me with hatred. There were dark circles under his eyes and they were bloodshot.

He bit his teeth into my neck and I screamed. I thrashed around and tried to get away, but he was just too strong. He started to drag me back. How could a kid his age be so strong? It was impossible!

I smiled timidly at Toby and gave him his worksheet. He looked at it with disinterest and I crouched down. “Hey Toby, I saw your work from last week. It…err…wasn’t exactly what you were supposed to do. Did you get stuck?” I smiled sweetly, but he just shook his head. I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off hard, glaring at me.

I was helpless as he dragged me further back down the hall. I screamed and clawed at the ground but no one was around. He pulled me into the classroom. 143. It was my classroom.

I sat down at my desk and looked at Toby’s work. Covered in black scribbles and red spots. It had to be blood, and that worried me. Maybe I should call his parents, or talk to the principal. I decided that once I left the school and got home, I’d email the principal.

The pain was unbearable. He bit into my flesh and I could feel pieces being ripped off. If I wasn’t in so much pain I would be throwing up from the sound of it. I looked up and saw his mouth chewing and blood covered his face. Oh God! He was eating me! I screamed as loud as I could. Someone, please, hear me! Save me!

Once the children finished their work and turned it in, I let them play in the classroom. A group of kids were playing house, picking a mom and a dad, a dog, sisters and brothers. Some other children were playing with the games in the back. I looked down at my work and a sharp scream came from one of the girls.

Those sharp teeth went for my neck; apparently he had gotten tired of my bloody screams. They sunk into my throat and I silenced quickly. I couldn’t breathe and blood was filling my mouth. I tried to scream but the sound was just a sick gurgle.

I jumped up at once and ran to the girl who was crying. A knife was sticking out of her arm. Toby was standing there, blood on his hand, and staring intently at the knife. I pushed him away and picked the little girl, Sally, up into my arms. I rushed her to the health office and they called an ambulance for her.

Everything was going black. I tried to struggle, but my body wouldn’t obey my commands. I just twitched rapidly and blood spilled from my mouth.

I ran back and grabbed Toby by his arm. I brought him up to the principal’s office and told him about the situation. He told me to go back and make sure that my whole class had gone home, since the school day had ended about thirty minutes ago. Everyone was gone and I decided to clean up the classroom. By the time I was finished, the whole staff had gone home. I walked down the hall and heard a soft moan and a weird sound…it almost sounded like chewing. I opened the door to the principal’s office.

I tried to keep my eyes open, but I knew my body was dying on me. I couldn’t stay alive. In truth, I didn’t want to. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to die. Toby looked over me, my blood dripped onto my cheeks and he smiled. His teeth were stained red and pieces of flesh were in between them. In a deep growl he said…

“I always like you best, Ms. Hannah.”

And then it all went black.
Last edited by Lindsaroo on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.




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An extremely powerful piece. I'm glad I don't have a weak stomach, because if I did, puke would be all over my keyboard. You'll definitely place in that contest. I'm sure of it.

I just want to correct one minor thing. Just remember to read it over before you post your short stories. Even the smallest grammar errors can pull the reader out of the story.

His bit into my flesh and I could feel pieces being ripped off.


I think you meant:

He bit into my flesh and I could feel pieces being ripped off.

And that's the only one I found.

I guess that's really all the help I can give you. But I will definitely look for your other posted work. Keep this up, and if you're not already published, you soon will be. :D
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you girls doing?"

"Peeing on a stick, you wanna try?"

-My C, Nick, and MC, Kayla.




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Meishan
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WOW. That was pretty intense...
I think that you wove the beginning and the end of the story together really well and there is some very powerful imagery in your piece. I especially love the last line. *Shivers*


Overall, great work! :D




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I would consider adding some breaks between the different parts. I don't know if its just me, but I was really confused the first time through. I thought one second he was killing and the next everything was normal. :? I know that's not how it is, but with no indication of you going back and forth, it becomes difficult to follow at first.

Very creepy, by the way. :D


EDIT: Wait! I found something....

I ran back and grabbed Toby by his arm. I brought him up to the principal’s office and told him about the situation. He told me to go back and make sure that my whole class had gone home, since the school day had ended about thirty minutes ago. Everyone was gone and I decided to clean up the classroom. By the time I was finished, the whole staff had gone home. I walked down the hall and heard a soft moan and a weird sound…it almost sounded like chewing. I opened the door to the principal’s office.


Let's see here. First of all, wasn't she just teaching them? How could school have ended thirty minutes ago without her knowing? Please change this, as it makes no sense.

Secondly, Toby had just STABBED someone. And one of his female classmates no less. And you're telling me that everyone's chill, and they leave Toby in the principal's office while they all go home? And I don't care how demented Toby is, how could he possibly kill the principal? And I doubt the teeth of a child can rip through flesh like that, as creepy as that is to imagine.


All I'm saying is that if this becomes too freakishly far-fetched, it ceases to become scary and instead borders on laughable. And I'm sure that's not what you're going for.

Hope that helps! :P


[s]BlackGhost[/s]




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Hey Slinds! I'm judging this for the contest!

First, before I get going, I was insanely confused, like Black Ghost was. It made no sense in the beginning, so I would consider italicizing every other paragraph, or something. That way it won't be nearly as confusing.

You are more or less grammatically sound, so I won't touch on that subject.

This didn't scare me. It kind of grossed me out, but it didn't scare me. That's what the point of the contest was. I didn't want to barf -- I wanted to be scared.

You can make me scared though. You are a scary writer. XD No offense.

I think you need to concentrate on what's going inside of the teacher's head instead of the blood and guts. The scariest place is the imagination.

Well done! There were only 3 entries, so you have a definite chance of winning a prize!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hey, Linds! Since this is, I think, the first time I've critiqued anything of yours, there is probably two things you should know: one, if you have any questions, ask them; two, if my handwriting is illegible please tell me.

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I THINK SUSPENSE IS A BIG THING.

Really awesome suspense. And, awesome in the old sense of the word, not as in the new sense like hot dogs and red and yellow socks.

;)

Ta,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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This is just plain twisted.


I LLLIKE it!!!! =D

You definately have a warped imagination ;) something I can relate to. I love it when writers/directors mix the innocence of a child with such horror. A well written piece with a very creepy ending. Nice work :P

Ced x
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The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984