Being Me (part 2)

[deleted]

Hey Kamas it's Dreamwalker here with another review for you interesting story ^^.

Okay, first off, if I was in your position, I would think it best to maybe change this to rated R due to the fact that there is a lot of swearing and some implied sexual innuendo. I think it would be best if you did this because you dont want to offend anyone otherwise.

Alright so now onto my review

I had signed up for the track team, easily becoming the best runner in the school.

So she's a runner. Nice character development but be very careful of making your character sound like a mary sue. Your character sounds very uncaring of how people think but still good looking and good at sports. Maybe in the next chapter you can start introducing some of her flaws, really make her character stand out.

The coach was a total perv,

I know it is very 'teenager' to have shortened words but this is literature and readers will be a little uninterested in shortened words that arent in dialogue. I would change the perv to a pervert.

I enjoyed myself here, it was pleasant to live in an actual home with heating and running water.

Not necessarily the right use of a comma. You should either make this two sentences or connect them by putting for between here and it.

One day, I got invited to a house party.

This sounds sort of random. Instead of doing 'one day' try 'a few days prior' or something like that. The one day makes it sound sort of cliched.

a white tank top and my leather jacket I headed out.

There should be a comma between jacket and I.

When I got there, the party was in full swing.

No need for the comma.

laughing and dancing to the funky beat.

'Funky' shouldnt even be in the dictionary anymore.. unless its speaking about something that is vintage. I would choose a different word for this word makes the partygoers sound sort of like 80's disco dancers.

I stayed in my car for a few minutes, watching. I got out and started to make my way towards the house, but very quickly three guys were all over me.

Dont have two sentences that start of with a 'I did this...I did this..' sort of feel. Have thoughts in there or something for it sounds silly.

I let out a irritated sigh, he was trying to be seductive.

That should be a period, not a comma.

His hand were all over me now.

Should be hands not hand.

Quickly he'd used up my short fuse.

Quickly should have a comma behind it.

I pushed him forward into the dirt.

The forward sounds redundant.

"As I said, Hands off."

Hands shouldn't be capatalized.

I got inside and people were dancing to the music, with alcohol sloshing in the cups they held high.

You already spoke of people dancing with alcohol. We already know and there is no need to repeat it a second time, except this one at least doesnt have the word 'funky' in it XD.

I had to admit, this party wasn't to bad considering how many parties I'd been to.

You like to use the word 'considering'. Watch out for becoming repetitive.

While sipping on a beer I watched everyone, some girl rid up on some guy then lead him to another room, a shy guy watching a girl dance with everyone, his eyes burning with envy.

This was worded a little silly. Heres a better way to do so.

"While sipping on a beer, I watched everyone with a sense of amusement. Some girl had rode up on some guy then had lead him to another room. A shy guy was also watching another girl dance with other people, his eyes burning with envy."

unconcerned by his threatening voice.

Again theres a little redundancy with the word unconcerned.

"You do don't ya! Well, let me wipe that grin off your sexy face then."

I'm pretty sure he wouldnt be talking about how sexy she is when he's pissed off and drunk. This sentence just doesnt feel quite right.

he sad dangerously.

I'm guessing the sad should be said.

Characters

Alright so the main character is starting to become developed more, but I would think you should describe your characters a bit more, like the creepy guy who was about to do things to her, or his little gang. Really work out your descriptions and give us a flare for your characters because at the moment we dont really know much about them at all.

Setting

This ones hard because, from what I got, I didnt get much of a setting at all. You gave a very very very very vague idea of how things look and I think you should expand upon it more.

Grammer/punctuation

You have a few areas to fix up with this but mostly your alright. Try expanding your vocabulary though for there are some redundancy issues throughout it all.

Overall

I'm not going to lie to you but from what I got, I didnt much care for this part of the story. Not that I wont like it at all, but just this area. It was written well but the situation wasnt necessarily appealing to me. The conflict... well I dont much care for conflicts like that and I was really hoping for something a little more.. I dunno. I just dont much care for the idea.

I do like your character though and I'm sure the story will pick up and get really exciting. For this chapter though.. not my favourite due to the situation.

Other then that, PM me when the next chapter is up and keep up the awesome writing

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

That was entertaining. I hope to read more of your work!