Crystalline

Hey everyone, this is my first posting, so I'd love some of those wonderful reviews, good or bad!
I usually write Young Adult fiction, and this in my first time delving into the world of Fantasy. Hope you enjoy!!!

[BEGIN - Crystalline]

I have lived a long time. I have seen many things, many wondrous things, and many more terrifying things. I have cursed and been cursed. I have died, and I have taken life as well. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I try not to think about those things. These days I try to lead a normal life. I think I’ve done pretty well with that this time. In this day and age, being different isn’t such a bad thing anymore. I can change my hair colour, I can wear strange clothing, I can tell ghost stories, I can even predict the future, and everyone thinks it’s a wonderful thing. It amuses me that just 200 years ago, a mere blink of an eye in my existence, people were hunted and burned for the same traits. I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me, which is more than I can say for the others who weren’t as fortunate.

So even though I always keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed with who I am here. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

* * *

“Sonny! Sonny! We’ve got a problem!”
I looked up to the source of the shouting voice, which not many others would’ve been able to hear normally, since everyone in the room was shouting as well. Alice was motioning me over from the other side of the bar looking frantic. It was her first month at the Blue Pole and she was still getting used to the Friday night rush.
“What is it, Alice?” I shouted at her.
“We’re out of Coronas!” She fretted. I looked over to Jared who was busy serving a group of rowdy guys.
I turned back to Alice, “Don’t worry! I’ll go get some more.” She nodded and I headed out the back to the store room.

The Blue Pole was my creation. I had been living in Melbourne for years, jumping from job to job, refusing to settle down. A product of my long life I suppose. Then one of the few friends I have here sat me down and told me to do something with my life. Janice is a very perceptive girl; she knew that I was unhappy, that I needed something productive to do. It was her idea that I start up my own business. I’d certainly never thought about it before. What’s the point? I thought. There are hundreds of businesses around, why would I want to? But Janice had a point, it was something to do. It wasn’t like I had a lack of money or experience. So that was how I came to create the Blue Pole, one of the most unique nightclubs in Melbourne.
It keeps me busy.

I grabbed a crate of the popular Mexican beer and made my way back out to the bar, which thankfully was still in one piece. Janice was out of the state for the weekend and so it was just me, Alice and Jared holding down the fort. This never used to be difficult; Janice and I used run this place on our own in the beginning. But over time our little enterprise has grown in consumers, and so our staff had to as well.

Jared was a goldmine; quiet, efficient and extremely capable under pressure. He is very tall, and often comes across as being intimidating, but he is far from it. He was raised on a farm in the country and moved into the city to do a degree in computing. Says he wants to understand them. I don’t understand how, but he seems content.

Alice is small, slight and bouncy with bright blue hair that she wears in pig-tails. She looks like she’s come straight out of one of those twisted Japanese Animations.
She gives me a huge grin as I hand her the Coronas, all previous frustrations forgotten, and I turn my attention back to the waiting mob. Most of them I know, as some have been coming here religiously since I opened.

It’s been four years now and things have been pretty constant.

* * *

Hey, lilymoore here to review.

I have lived a long time. I have seen many things, many wondrous things, and many more terrifying things. I have cursed and been cursed. I have died, and I have taken life as well. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I try not to think about those things. These days I try to lead a normal life. I think I’ve done pretty well with that this time. In this day and age, being different isn’t such a bad thing anymore. I can change my hair colour, I can wear strange clothing, I can tell ghost stories, I can even predict the future, and everyone thinks it’s a wonderful thing. It amuses me that just 200 years ago, a mere blink of an eye in my existence, people were hunted and burned for the same traits. I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me, which is more than I can say for the others who weren’t as fortunate.

So even though I always keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed with who I am here. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

I have to say that this is by far one of the best openings I've read in a long time, and I've read a lot of openings, normally only to end up bored and unable to continue. This, however, caught and held my attention. Not only that but it set a general tone for the story and indicated the Setting and Scene which are both very important points.

So that was how I came to create the Blue Pole, one of the most unique nightclubs in Melbourne.

All I want to say here is that you could very well take advantage of this line to really talk about what makes the Blue Pole unique.


And to be honest, that's all I have to say about this. I really enjoyed and how you made everything blend really smoothly. Also, it just had a very believable tone. However, it was fairly short so its not a lot to go off of, at least not yet. Hopefully soon, there will be more to work with.

I really like where you're going with this story. Were you planning on expanding it? The idea of living for such a long time is one that appeals to me greatly, so I found your story very interesting. I've actually written one a little similar, but mine was more of a reflection story.

Your words flow very smoothly so this was easy to read and understand.


"I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me"

This part confounded me just a little. I assume your saying it was no big deal for the character because being burnt alive can't kill them, but surely they would still suffer throughout it? But then again maybe not. Your character may not feel pain. I don't know.

That's really the only criticism (if you can call it that) I can give you.

Well done. Especially for a first post.
=]

Ced xx

Thank you both for your reviews! I feel much more confident in showing my writing now *grins*

I am currently working on expanding just why the Blue Pole is so unique, so that little line at the end will be a bit longer.

And Ced! Thank you for pointing that section out. After reading that part so many times, you begin to get rather blinded by something so small. She does indeed feel pain, but she's learned to overcome it (most of the time). I think that needs a slight re-phrasing.

Thanks again!!!

Hi! A great post indeed, it's very hard to believe that you haven't written much fantasy before. I myself am a great fan of reading fantasy and I have pretty high standards to what I read, but this really caught my attention.

I agree with the others on the points they pointed out, and I have just one more question for you. In the prologue you mention that the character has died before, but later you say that burning wasn't a big deal. Did the character actually die from being burned alive, did she feel pain? Another thing that I noticed is that your character's name is Sonny (which is conventionally a boys name), but your character is a she?!

Otherwise this is a good beginning, very believable and interesting to read. I look forward to the next part

This is a great beginning! Your first paragraph really caught my attention. I'm guessing that she's a witch of some sort, correct?

Other than a couple of minor nitpicks - a few misplaced commas, some grammar - that I'm not going to bother pointing out, I didn't really see anything that needs fixing. Your story flows well, and your voice is pretty consistent.

You might want to work on fleshing out Sonny a bit more. I can't really imagine her at all. I know that she's probably a witch, she's very old, and now she owns a night club. Other than that, I really don't know anything about her personality. Yes, I know that this is a very short piece, and it's really not enough to go on for characterization, but just keep that in mind as you continue writing.

Your description is a bit... lacking. I can't see the scene. This is a night club, after all! There's got to be a ton going on! You act like your three characters are alone in a blank room.

I like your ending. She says, "Things have been pretty constant." I'm guessing that that's going to change soon? Sonny seems like she's getting pretty relaxed and letting her guard down now. Is that maybe going to lead to trouble? Maybe one of the people she cursed are going to come back for revenge? Or maybe someone will discover who she really is... This is a great prologue, because there are so many ways you can take the story! I can't wait to read more!

Hey there Ariani,

As promised, here is my review.

Lady_Ariani wrote:I have lived a long time.

I don't necessarily see this as a bad first sentence, but the potential that it does have is slightly squandered. This is your hook. You want to make your readers "wow". You want to make them want to carry on reading. Try taking the first few sentences, and combining them to form one masterpiece. Something along the lines of, "During my years I have seen things that would make your hair curl. I have seen things more wonderful, I have seen things more terrible than you can begin to imagine.

I have cursed and been cursed. I have died, and I have taken life as well. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I try not to think about those things.

This is slightly clumsy. Not too bad, but it can use a little improvement. You want to amaze us, not bore us, and you should therefore build this up. Sentences should be short, concise, and target our interest. Make it more exciting. For example, "I have both cursed and been cursed. I have taken life, but have, myself, died more than once. I am not proud of many of my acts, but what's done is done, and I will not look back."

These days I try to lead a normal life. I think I’ve done pretty well with that this time. In this day and age, being different isn’t such a bad thing anymore.

You want to avoid being redundant, extraneous, or even unnecessary. Also, repetition of words like "day" are sometimes disturbing. Perhaps, "Recently, I've been more inclined to lead a normal life. Prejudices based on uniqueness have become rarer over the past hundred, or so years."

I can change my hair colour, I can wear strange clothing, I can tell ghost stories, I can even predict the future, and everyone thinks it’s a wonderful thing. It amuses me that just 200 years ago, a mere blink of an eye in my existence, people were hunted and burned for the same traits. I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me, which is more than I can say for the others who weren’t as fortunate.

One word: Exposition. You've shown us your hand right at the beginning of the story. It's up to you, but were I in your position, I'd keep everyone guessing, and slowly reveal information as it becomes necessary. Remember, your readers are curious. Play on their curiosity, and they will be more intrigued by your story.

So even though I always keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed with who I am here. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

The colloquial style that you are going for here is fine. But remember, brevity is the soul of wit. You want to draw the attention of your reader. Your last sentence of this is great. You are awakening our curiosity. Remember, this is the ultimate goal as a writer.

“What is it, Alice?” I shouted at her.

Try, "I shouted to her."

“We’re out of Coronas!” She fretted. I looked over to Jared who was busy serving a group of rowdy guys.

You should know that the word "said" never killed anyone. The word "fretted" has been convicted and prosecuted on several charges of homicide. Also, describe what we want to know. We don't need to know that you looked to Jared and turned back to Alice, unless this is actually important. Rather spend your time describing things that we want to know about.

I turned back to Alice, “Don’t worry! I’ll go get some more.” She nodded and I headed out the back to the store room.

You are having fun with exclamation marks aren't you? They should be like pearls, precious and rare. A simple period will suffice over here!!!

I had been living in Melbourne for years, jumping from job to job, refusing to settle down.

Too many "ing"s get confus"ing". Try, I had been living in Melbourne for long enough, and had spent most of my time job hopping. For some reason I have never been one to settle down.

What’s the point? I thought. There are hundreds of businesses around, why would I want to? But Janice had a point, it was something to do.

The double usage of the word "point" is off-putting.

It wasn’t like I had a lack of money or experience. So that was how I came to create the Blue Pole, one of the most unique nightclubs in Melbourne.

There seems to be a lack of logical progression between these two sentences. I'd try, "It wasn't as though I was lacking funds. So, lo and behold, The Blue Pole was born. The nightclub like no other."

It keeps me busy.

Nix this bit. It's unnecessary and disruptive.

I grabbed a crate of the popular Mexican beer and made my way back out to the bar, which thankfully was still in one piece.

You need to bring us back to the scene. We've been out of it a little long. For example, you could describe the storehouse.

Janice was out of the state for the weekend and so it was just me, Alice and Jared holding down the fort.

This might read smoother if you say, "Alice, Jared and I."

This never used to be difficult; Janice and I used run this place on our own in the beginning. But over time our little enterprise has grown in consumers, and so our staff had to as well.

The fancy lingo is unnecessary. Stick to your colloquial style. As in, "Over time, however, our nightclub has become a little more popular. Naturally, our staff has had to grow to cope."

Jared was a goldmine; quiet, efficient and extremely capable under pressure. He is very tall, and often comes across as being intimidating, but he is far from it.

This is highly off putting. You've switched tense here for seemingly no reason, and it disrupts our focus. Unless you have a good reason to switch tense, don't.

He was raised on a farm in the country and moved into the city to do a degree in computing. Says he wants to understand them. I don’t understand how, but he seems content.

I'd suggest clearing this up a bit. It reads a little muddled. Always go for clarity.

Most of them I know, as some have been coming here religiously since I opened.

Waiting for what exactly? I'd drop this bit. I don't think it's that important.

It’s been four years now and things have been pretty constant.

This is merely repetition. You can definitely do away with it.

Let's sum up, shall we.
Overall prose: This needs a little work. You want to minimize repetition, and maximize our intrigue. Remember, your goal is to try make this as gripping as possible. Don't let us get confused. Stick to one tense unless you have good reason to change, and stick to one style of your character. Avoid describing things we don't need to know, and start describing things we do need to or do want to know about.

Characters: Not much to comment on here. You haven't really developed your character, but you have given us an idea that she'll be intriguing.

Setting: You haven't described this too much. I think we'd like to know a little more about where this takes place. What does the nightclub look like. What makes it cool? etc.

Overall Impression: You definitely have an intriguing idea, and with a bit of work, I think you'll have a great piece here in no time.

Have a good one!

You described Jared's character traits and physical traits, as well as Alice's physical traits, but didn't describe the MC. Try to put in a thing or two about her here and there. Also, try to describe the setting more, make it feel very realistic and don't write too m any details also. I like the opening, it definitly caught my attention, as well as the title. But then the rest, I doozed off a bit. spice it up a bit:)

Not only is this your first posting, but it is my first review.
Hopefully some of it helps.

Overall, that was a great piece of work. The introduction really hooked me, and kept my attention throught the paragraph. The characters are nice and you quickly set the setting of the story.

There are a few things that I would recommend:

I have lived a long time. I have seen many things, many wondrous things, and many more terrifying things. I have cursed and been cursed. I have died, and I have taken life as well. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I try not to think about those things.

So, I like this part, but it is a tad bit redundant. I believe that you should add a bit more fluency and transitions in here to make it flow a bit better. (ie. "I have died; however, I have taken life at the same time.)

I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me, which is more than I can say for the others who weren’t as fortunate.

This part is a little confusing. Using the word, "but" at the start of the sentence causes this. Try removing that word somehow.

So even though I always keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed with who I am here. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

Nothing I can catch here. But I have to say, this is a great line.

Alice was motioning me over from the other side of the bar looking frantic.

Try to make this a bit smoother. (ie. Alice beckoned me from the other side of the bar, with a frantic look etched upon her face.)

I shouted at her.

Try, "I shouted back."

I turned back to Alice, “Don’t worry! I’ll go get some more.” She nodded and I headed out the back to the store room.

I think that you could add something more here. (ie. She nodded at me as I made my way to the store room.

Now with your character descriptions, I think you could "show" more instead of just telling. Just describing the characters makes it a bit boring.

Also, some of your tenses don't match up. There is a bit of a mix between past and present in there.

That's about it. I really liked it!! Hopefully that helped.
Any questions just pm.

thank you all for your wonderful reviews! They've really helped me a lot, not to mention put a few things into perspective for me!
I now have this revised intro plus the first half of chapter one up. The story is rolling ;)

~Ariani~

I have really enjoyed this beginning of a story. I agree with some of the other reviewers that the beginning grabs you in and holds your attention. I don't find myself seeing how long it is to judge whether or not I can really continue. The opening paragraph has mystery to it. We're not really sure who this person is, or more importantly what she is which engages the reader. I really liked that.

You could take more time in describing the setting more and developing the characters but right now the writing gives the atmosphere of the club a rushed feeling which works with the narrative.

But I absolutely love the description of Alice being compared to a Japanese cartoon. That gave me a clear picture of her and how the main character feels about her.

Great start, can't wait to read more.

Hey there! I agree with many of the reviewers, the introduction definitely captured my attention. I enjoyed the fact that we don't know who or what exactly the main character is, it makes it mysterious.

It wasn’t like I had a lack of money or experience. So that was how I came to create the Blue Pole, one of the most unique nightclubs in Melbourne.

What makes it unique? How is it different, how is "your own" nightclub, exactly? In other words how does your lifestyle (immortal) reflect anything in it?

He is very tall, and often comes across as being intimidating, but he is far from it.

I really enjoyed this line because I think that is how I personally seem to be.

Also when you said Alice, I thought for sure this was a connection to the vampire tale Twilight book is it?

*laughs* Thanks for that guys!

Also when you said Alice, I thought for sure this was a connection to the vampire tale Twilight book Smile is it?

No, not at all! (Though I am a fan of Twilight) When I was picturing this little bouncy girl in my head, Alice just seemed the right name for her, but she's nothing like Alice Cullen.

If you want to read more, I've got the first part of Chapter one up, the second part will be up after the Easter break =)

~Ariani~

I have lived a long time. I have seen many things, many wondrous things, and many more terrifying things. I have cursed and been cursed. I have died, and I have taken life as well. I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but I try not to think about those things. These days I try to lead a normal life. I think I’ve done pretty well with that this time. In this day and age, being different isn’t such a bad thing anymore. I can change my hair colour, I can wear strange clothing, I can tell ghost stories, I can even predict the future, and everyone thinks it’s a wonderful thing. It amuses me that just 200 years ago, a mere blink of an eye in my existence, people were hunted and burned for the same traits. I should know, I was burned enough. But it was no big deal for me, which is more than I can say for the others who weren’t as fortunate.

So even though I always keep a low profile, I can’t help but feel a little more relaxed with who I am here. This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

* * *

I LOVE this opening it caught and held my attention as did the rest of the prologue.

This is Melbourne after all, nothing interesting ever happens here.

This quote is by far my favorite because you know that after that is said that something interesting is going to happen.

I'm really looking forward to rest of the story.