Jack Jonathan

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JACK JONATHON
MONALOGE

JACK JONATHON IS BASED IN WHAT WOULD BE TO US THE YEAR 5088 THEY REFERE TO US AS THE ANCIENTS AND KNOW THAT WE DESTROYED OURSELVES IN THE MOST TERRIBLE WAR A NUCULER WAR ALMOST EVERYBODY WAS KILLED BUT FROM ASHES JACK JONATHONS PEOPLE STARTED TO EVOLVE THEY LOOK AD ACT LIKE WE DO BUT AREN’T AS SMART AS WE ARE THE ANCIENTS JACK JONATHON KNOWS ARE PROBABLY 2000 YEARS MORE ADVANCE THAN WE ARE.



Chapter one; Vengeance


Pitter patter, patter pitter, the rain was falling on the city
of Stormhold. You’d have expected the city to be empty on
such a miserable night with the wind striking past and
with the rain gushing through the holes in the garda that
was supposed to keep the city safe from the rain. It wasn’t
that it didn’t protect it from the rain but in the slums of
the city nobody gave a who’s what about anyone else as
long as their shop was dry and the many onlookers that pestered about their stores actually bought something.

To be fair there was nothing particularly special about Stormhold, it’s name came from the very occasional

storms that were relentless. Although some people had noticed an increase in the amount of ferocious storms

that came their way. Some thought it was because of Duke Darren’s trip to the North Pole to drill the ice for the

magnetic crystals which they used to navigate the treacherous waters and the high skies. With more and more

ships being sent out to treacherous waters and more and more ships being sent to the skies there just weren’t

enough crystals left in the South Pole. The wiser people thought the storms were due to an increase in the use of

dark magic. The slums weren’t the nicest part of Stormhold that honour belonged to the upper area of the city

with their steam powered vehicles and everyone walking around pretending they descended from the legendary

city of Venice.


WHOOSH an arrow cut into the side of the Garda ripping a large hole which water flooded through knocking over

four bystanders and a cart of cabbages for sale “DOH ma cabbages” a man screamed, as a builder turned to

see what the commotion was he knocked an irk off it’s horse. Irks were half goblin and half dwarf and some of

the foulest creatures that walked this side of the globe. Obviously frustrated the irk pushed the builder into the

muck getting back onto his horse to slowly ride off.

A hooded figure rode through the city of Stormhold with the ease of the wind through the trees. Irks, on the

other hand weren’t so swift knocking over stalls and occasionally trampling bystanders and not caring much

either. Originally there had been 10 irks following the hooded stranger but thanks to his riding skills and some

help from an innocent builder he was now only perused by 3.

He cut down every back street and down every deserted corridor he even managed to navigate his way through a

few large shops with out knocking anything over.


Then the hooded figure did the unthinkable he rode out into the storm leaving the city of stormhold behind. For a

second the irks considered returning to the castle to inform their master that their prey was lost, but the

commanding irk riding a horse almost as armoured as himself decided to carry on the chase.


The thing about leaving the city in a storm was that well, it just didn’t happen, usually. People generally left

Stormhold on happy sunny days leaving mostly to trade or visit friends. Another thing unlike the ancients who

left the city constantly and who built great roads to connect their cities and towns nowadays people were content

to use the crumpled remains of the old roads.


The sound of the horses hooves on the road was almost as deafening as the rain. Once the irks were close

enough they raised their crossbows to take aim. It was a well known fact, except to the irks that they couldn’t

shoot a bow and arrow if their life depended upon it, and it frequently did. Well at least they couldn’t shoot them

straight which was quite necessary but with crossbows their aim was flawless in battle.

WHOOSH five arrows went sailing through the air two missed but three hit their target. Two pierced his leg one

went directly into his shoulder the hooded figure flew over the front of his horse landing in the muck then two

bad things happened, first his head hit a brick then his horse trampled him. The irks pulled up next to him two of

them got off while the one riding the armoured horse stayed on. They toyed with him for a bit then the irk on

the horse ended the fun and gave the order to finish him “UHR” one of the irks said and reluctantly went to take

his axe of his horse. As he did so a flurry of arrows came from the trees and bushes around them. The arrows

had perfect aim two of the irks fell down as one fell the hood that concealed him fell off and their ugly face was

revealed. His crooked nose was like a wonky carrot that had been left to rot in the rain and his skin was like a

pumpkin.

One irk did not fall over dead. The one on the horse obviously realised that even being as well armoured as his

horse would not save him if he stayed much longer so smartly he rode off to give the bad news to his master. If

he was lucky he’d still have his head tomorrow. For a brief second the hooded figure opened his eyes to see

five men crowded around him the fattest man gave him a prod or more of a hard kick in the face which caused

his hood to fall down to reveal Jack Jonathan. After seeing his face the fattest man immediately told two of the

other men to pick him up one was reluctant because of Jacks muddy boots but a quick knee in the balls from

the fat guy caused him to change his mind.
































Chapter two
Repercussions

The crossbow was an ingenious invention in it’s self it changed the irk into a solider the second model changed

them into a henchman the crossbow was nicknamed the Tommy bow because of it’s fast firing rate and the fact

that much like the Tommy gun created by the ancients it has a container of arrows meaning you don’t have to

reload after every shot this upgrade saved hundreds and killed thousands.


The Tommy bow had three major impacts in Jack Jonathons life first before he was even born when he was in

the womb an arrow was shot directly into the womb and pierced his arm, to stop him dying he was cut out of

the womb four weeks early. The second time he was shot was a positive effect on his life. Jack was attending

the highly regarded school called Back hand and Black magic or more commonly known as the b.a.b for short.

Jack had only been attending the school for only two months but had been receiving A’s in two of the major

subjects sword combat and history. Not everyone liked Jack though, some even wanted to hurt him to dent his

popularity.

To name the worst Albert Darwin although he looked weedy and had a humped posture giving him the deceptive

appearance of being weak. He often used this to his favour. He was also ugly. The only reason some liked him

was because he was destined to become the next Duke of Farewell a small town covering the coastland of the

country the ancients called Ireland.

One day during kudi a form of intense sword combat. Jack was up against Albert, Albert currently had the

highest ranking score at Kudi [ although he excelled at Salmi which was the equivalent of Kudi but with a

crossbow] his crew and his many female admirers cheered him on. Albert drew his sword, Jack however did not

draw his nor did he get into any known Kudi positions. Stubbornly Albert went straight for a left side shot Jack

dodged but Albert slashed again faster this time Jack back flipped narrowly avoiding the sword but causing a

ripple of giggling from Albert’s female admirers. Aggravated by the giggles Albert went for a Kudi stab to Jack’s

trunk. Jack finally drew his sword after Albert’s stab missed he ending the duel with a quick back jab Albert

stumbled to the ground and let out a cry of agony “you barbarian, how dare you strike a future lord” cried Albert

“hey you can’t be a future lord, there good with a sword “ said Jack calmly.


Brusel, brusel could it be possible the girl Jack had had a crush on for four years had finally decided to take

notice of him. Well that’s what he thought he reached the point where he’d been told to go but sadly instead of a

hot girl stood three guys one of them Albert but all with fully loaded Tommy bows Jack immediately broke into

a run in the opposite direction but it was already to late they’d taken aim five arrows flew into his leg he

tumbled into a bush sadly there was a step hill just behind it he rolled and rolled until he hit the bottom

“ahhhhhhh” he cried in pain “access granted” a strange voice said the floor beneath him diapered and Jack fell

down, down, down.



Jack must have been out for a while because the room was flooded with light from the hole he’d fallen through.

He walked over to a strange box shaped thing that had a black screen when he touched it the screen came alive

“if you’re listening to this your probably a survivor do not worry there our other survivors like you we have also

traced the production of DOJOS to “ but before the man could finish his sentence a large black figure with golden

braces and mask shot at him with beams of light which somehow killed him with know apparent damage. Jack

stepped back in horror he touched the screen again and a new picture appeared on it

Open egg was one of them and activate sword was another not quit knowing what to do Jack pressed both of

them. A sword rose from one pillar while an egg rose slower from another Jack went for the sword when he

touched it,lights sprang on all over the room “adjusting to new DNA” the strange voice said again. Jack grabbed

and pulled the sword of it’s holster a beautiful blue Safire blade emerged from the hilt he put the sword back into

the holster and strapped it around his waste as he walked over to the egg the strange voice started talking again

“the sword is one of thirteen prototypes it has been sucefully tested on dojos in captivity, it has proven to be

unaffected by extreme pressure

And heat, easily slices through all known metals and other materials” the voice stopped just as Jack got to the

egg when he touched it a small head popped out of the egg Jack immediately recognised it as a schuckum,

schuckums looked like housecats but with medium wings on there back the wings our normally the same colour

as ther fur except when they our cub that at the time they our white. The little schuckum flew over into Jacks

hand, Jack decided to call him Mo Jack ran over to the hole and started climbing it.

Jack had been attempting to climb up the hole for three hours straight Mo seamed very amused watching him

from on top of the strange box shaped thing Jack somehow knew was called a computer, Jack finally gave up

and started to look for a way out of this strange place Mo started tugging at Jacks hood he put up with it for a

few minutes until he started to yell at Mo “what do you wants Mo cause unless you know away out I’m not

interested” at that point Mo put his paw on a button and once again the floor disappeared beneath him and Jack

fell into a raging stream Mo then followed him into the water because unlike cats schuckums love the water.


The third time the Tommy bow had a major impact on his life was only a few hours ago when it caused him to

get trampled by a horse and almost killed with an axe someone or something had saved him the only question

was what happened next.
















Chapter three
The slatters

Jack woke up in a strange room that he’d only seen in dreams or was it when he woke up for ten seconds an

hour a go, Jack thought so as he became more and more awake he realised that he was naked Jack hoped that

one of the men he’d seen had undressed him as he looked around he noticed that there was a pare of blue and

pink shirts along with his leather waistcoat and jacket also with wool trousers and a silk iner layer like the shirts

the trousers weren’t his but he appreciated the gesture. As he put the cloths on he saw the tiny scar were the

arrow had hit after getting dress he took out the tiny dagger he had concealed in his waist coat since his sword as

gone he stepped outside to see a huge barnyard with a big wall all around it and at least 50 masked figures all

with samurai swords and long bows they looked like kumas, kumas were legendary warriors who could kill

thousands in battle before dying themselves but they had been almost wiped out in the still raging asale war.

Jack carefully crept around the wall knowing that kumas didn’t take kindly to unauthorised weapons if he’d had

his sword he could probably have taken at least ten of them but his tiny dagger would probably break against

there armour.

Four kumas walked past the door just before Jack opened it as soon as he’d opened the door he heard a thump

and imeditly knew he was in for a beating surprisingly the kumas didn’t attack him they just opened another door

and escort him inside, the room was a dojo there were five kumas sparring and four enjoying there brake with

nice cold beer there were also two guy sitting on the bench Jack recognised one of them as the guy who argued

about picking him up while the other looked faguly familiar the kumas escorted Jack over to the fat man who

was ovbisley the leader of this outpost “Edward slatter nice to meet you lad” said Edward

“nice outpost you got here” Jack said trying to sound more cophatant that he really was “oh , ha ha ha this isn’t

a out post it’s my house “ Jack ws stunned for words “and the reason you wonder why someone as rich as me

lives out here well look for yourself” as the clock ticked 12 o clock a dong sounded and at least twenty kumas

ran to attention as well as twelve other people who were not dressed in uniform , althoug they all carried swords

“ let me introduce you too my family” said Edward in his calming voice “this is my eldest son Tomas” he

gestured toward Tomas the one who did’nt want to pick him up Jack shook his hand “I have to it mitt your hands

are nicer than your boots were that night” Tomas said half sarcastically half seriously there was a hushed giggle

before Edward continued “ don’t mind him he just jealous you got to lie in bed for a week anyway this

these are my daughters…” Jack immediately recognised them “silvia and elser the dark twins “ they were famous

singers who almost nobody knew where they lived “and if there the dark twins that means your Alf, James, blib,

Peter, Alice, Hyde and Quin” Alf was fat with muscle and had brown hair his face was scared on one side , James

was 13 but still quite tall going up to Jacks chin he two had brown hair and was just starting to grow facial hair

and had a strong blue gaze, Blib Quin and Hyde all looked the same blue eues and blue hair which had been

ceremonially died permantly by magic to make there connection to magic stronger, magic played a key role in

modern life but in the time of the ancients they had found out that magic existed too late as they had already

gone to deep in to technology to believe in there hearts magic could work as you had to for it to work , scientist

estimated that modern day tech was at least a thousand years a way from understanding how to replicate the sxs

ship that had once flown throw the great up and thought relentless battles with other ships quite a few however

had been found sadly all but one worked and it’s power source was two small to get it to fly. Alice was young

and beautiful with gold hair and eyes that were blue apart from a black dot in the middle her eye colour was dew

to the fact she was a mage but she had not stayed unwed for long as she had wed Tomas. Peter was tall and

mucely and wore silk clothes that matched his brown hair ,Silvia and Elser had black hair green eyes and bright

faces which Jack had seen often at there consorts but ow strangely anouthg there was anothere person at the

end of the line he was as tall as tomas but very slim he somehow still had a bit of mucel on his arms and his

stomach.

“whose he” Jack said gesturing towards him

this my second eldest son chase,” Chase had a long bow like the kumas he also had a sword but almost anyone

could tell he did’nt care for it with it’s batter haddle Jack wondered what the blade looked like probably rusty but

his bow was quite the oppisute with thousands of diffrant animals carved in to it most eye catching was a

creature Jack saw often in his Nightmares a DOJO WARRIOR!







CHAPTER FOUR
THE ASSASSIN


A tall man with a black coat and a three cornered hat walked contentedly across the roofs of Venice they sootted

him the man was John thorn or Black as he had become known a gap came in the roves Black jumped it without

a second thought as he always did when a kill was about to be made the feeling it gave him was just complete

an utter bliss. Before he knew it he had reached saint marks square and was looking down on his prey. The

mayoir of Venice, lord Gomethry and his daughter Abigale. He was a foolish man thinking he could stand up to

the king of irelend and get away with it. Even Black wouldn’t cross the king of Ireland or king as Black and many

called him and Black was a werewolves one the of only werewolves left. Most others had been killed by Kumas

,dojos or knight of Venice .Those who were sent to kill him didn’t realise was that as a assassin dying wasn’t his

thing killin however was very much his thing. Black looked at the poles were the recently hanged were swinging

in the lush canal breeze. He tilted his hat in resepect and jumped down on Abigale. Throwing her dead body into

her farther as he charged at him, four Venice knight charged in there beautiful blue and red uniforms. One

crached into him the other three fell to the floor as Blacks tale wiped them across the face Black hated it when

his prey touched him. To show his distaste he through the knight through a wall to his left. Seeing his knights so

easily killed lord Gomethry droped his daughter and started to run. “Ah the thrill of the chase” Black said in his

irich accent and jumped onto the roves to presue his prey. Once Black had caught up to the lord he jumped down

onto him. turned him around and stuck his hand into his and chest watched, smiling as the light faded from his

eyes. A job well done.




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jok101 wrote:JACK JONATHON
MONALOGE

JACK JONATHON IS BASED IN WHAT WOULD BE TO US THE YEAR 5088 THEY REFERE TO US AS THE ANCIENTS AND KNOW THAT WE DESTROYED OURSELVES IN THE MOST TERRIBLE WAR A NUCULER WAR ALMOST EVERYBODY WAS KILLED BUT FROM ASHES JACK JONATHONS PEOPLE STARTED TO EVOLVE THEY LOOK AD ACT LIKE WE DO BUT AREN’T AS SMART AS WE ARE THE ANCIENTS JACK JONATHON KNOWS ARE PROBABLY 2000 YEARS MORE ADVANCE THAN WE ARE.

This doesn't really make much sense. It needs a proper look at as the sense is all over the place. I would also say it shouldn't be in capitals and is it really necessary? Shouldn't this sort of stuff be explained to us in the story?

Chapter one; Vengeance


Pitter patter, patter pitter, the rain was falling on the city
of Stormhold. You’d have expected the city to be empty on
such a miserable night with the wind striking past and
with the rain gushing through the holes in the garda that
was supposed to keep the city safe from the rain. This sentence runs on too much, it needs some commars and a full stop It wasn’t
that it didn’t protect it from the rain but in the slums of
the city nobody gave a who’s what about anyone else as
long as their shop was dry and the many onlookers that pestered about their stores actually bought something. Again a bit of a long sentence, try chopping it into smaller parts or just make it flow a bit better. Maybe something like
'It did an adequate job, but the people of the slums didn't care so much about its efficiency. So long as their stores were kept dry and business was good, the rain mattered little'
Except, you know, better! Also would people have stores in a slum?


[s]To be fair [/s]There was nothing particularly special about Stormhold, its name came from the very occasional but relentless storms - something like this would probably sound better. Although some people had noticed an increase in the amount of ferocious storms that came their way. Some thought it was because of Duke Darren’s trip to the North Pole to drill the ice for the magnetic crystals which they used to navigate the treacherous waters and the high skies. With more and more ships being sent out to treacherous waters and more and more ships being sent to the skies there just weren’t enough crystals left in the South Pole. Good idea. A bit of an info-dump though. Maybe this sort of information needs pacing rather than just dropped on top of us all of a sudden.
The wiser people thought the storms were due to an increase in the use of dark magic. The slums weren’t the nicest part of Stormhold that honour belonged to the upper area of the city with their steam powered vehicles and everyone walking around pretending they descended from the legendary city of Venice.
Um, this isn't a very well constructed sentence. It sounds a little childish, it could probably do with another look at it. Also the last sentence seems just to be tacked on at the end, it doesnt really bare much relation to the paragraph as a whole

WHOOSH an arrow cut into the side of the Garda ripping a large hole which water flooded through knocking over four bystanders and a cart of cabbages for sale “DOH ma cabbages” a man screamed, as a builder turned to see what the commotion was he knocked an irk off it’s horse. Irks were half goblin and half dwarf and some of the foulest creatures that walked this side of the globe. Obviously frustrated the irk pushed the builder into the muck getting back onto his horse to slowly ride off.
A hooded figure rode through the city of Stormhold with the ease of the wind through the trees. Irks, on the other hand weren’t so swift knocking over stalls and occasionally trampling bystanders and not caring much either. Originally there had been 10 irks following the hooded stranger but thanks to his riding skills and some help from an innocent builder he was now only perused by 3.
He cut down every back street and down every deserted corridor he even managed to navigate his way through a few large shops with out knocking anything over.
Did a guy really just say 'doh ma cabbages?' The paragraph also didn't really make much sense really. One minute a guy gets his cabbages knocked everywhere and then he knocks an irk off then its suddenly a chase fo a guy on a horse....it doesn't really flow together and there' no sense of location or what really is going on.

Then the hooded figure did the unthinkable he rode out into the storm leaving the city of stormhold behind. For a second the irks considered returning to the castle to inform their master that their prey was lost, but the commanding irk riding a horse almost as armoured as himself decided to carry on the chase.

The thing about leaving the city in a storm was that well, it just didn’t happen, usually. People generally left Stormhold on happy sunny days leaving mostly to trade or visit friends. Another thing unlike the ancients who left the city constantly and who built great roads to connect their cities and towns nowadays people were content to use the crumpled remains of the old roads.

The sound of the horses hooves on the road was almost as deafening as the rain. Once the irks were close enough they raised their crossbows to take aim. It was a well known fact, except to the irks that they couldn’t shoot a bow and arrow if their life depended upon it, and it frequently did. Well at least they couldn’t shoot them straight which was quite necessary but with crossbows their aim was flawless in battle.
WHOOSH five arrows went sailing through the air two missed but three hit their target. Two pierced his leg one went directly into his shoulder the hooded figure flew over the front of his horse landing in the muck then two bad things happened, first his head hit a brick then his horse trampled him. The irks pulled up next to him two of them got off while the one riding the armoured horse stayed on. They toyed with him for a bit then the irk on the horse ended the fun and gave the order to finish him “UHR” one of the irks said and reluctantly went to take his axe of his horse. As he did so a flurry of arrows came from the trees and bushes around them. The arrows had perfect aim two of the irks fell down as one fell the hood that concealed him fell off and their ugly face was revealed. His crooked nose was like a wonky carrot that had been left to rot in the rain and his skin was like a pumpkin.

One irk did not fall over dead. The one on the horse obviously realised that even being as well armoured as his horse would not save him if he stayed much longer so smartly he rode off to give the bad news to his master. If he was lucky he’d still have his head tomorrow. For a brief second the hooded figure opened his eyes to see five men crowded around him the fattest man gave him a prod or more of a hard kick in the face which caused his hood to fall down to reveal Jack Jonathan. After seeing his face the fattest man immediately told two of the other men to pick him up one was reluctant because of Jacks muddy boots but a quick knee in the balls from the fat guy caused him to change his mind.


Sorry, that's all I've managed so far. It's a lot, and it needs quite a bit of concentration which I dont have right now, ,Im tired!
But so far, the ideas are good, they just don't make that much sense. There's a lack of description and things just happen 1-2-3, no suspense or explanation.
Will probably come back to it later

:)

L




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See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney