The Eyes of Night

Ok, this is not a very good poem to introduce myself with. I don’t like this poem. It’s so… repeating. I wrote it a while ago, and it is in desperate need of revision. Any tips?

Conductive criticism is accepted and respected.



The Eyes of Night


The patter of the mitten feet,
Swerving ‘cross the seaman’s fleet.
A leap, a step, a sudden move,
Retire to a hidden grove.

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

The foliage of the forest green,
Concealing creatures, beasts, unseen.
A rustle in the underbrush,
Something moves, a snake, or such.

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

A debt, a fight, an ally dark.
A bullet that has met it mark,
Fired fast, without a care,
Magnified in hallow air.

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

I really like it. One thing :

on mitten feet

you might want to change that to something else its a bit confusing. kitten or kitty do. But that's just my opinion.

Anyway wonderful poem its a bit dark but otherwise wonderful. You should make a poem book or something. I wish I could write poetry like that .

-Windy

My suggestion for this poem would be to trim it down. Focus on one idea and explore it so that the poem has some clarity. I found it hard to concentrate on each verse, as I was too busy trying to work out what was happening, and to whom, and why it was relevant, and so on. Also, remember that poetry does not have to rhyme; it felt a bit like you were forcing the poem to follow the set scheme (although the rhythm was held passably well) resulting in a semi-nonsensical story. I'd recommend picking out the essential idea - that of the night and what it sees - and exploring just that, using literary devices to draw in the reader. I think that's a really intriguing concept that deserves further elaboration, but at the moment it's very shallow and doesn't really give the reader anything to sink their teeth into.

Hope that helps

Cheers,
~bubbles

Okay firstly, don't know if I can give conductive criticism (intriguing idea though!!) but hope to give constructive criticism.

Right, I thought it was pretty simple-themed poem, clarity enough. You do know how to keep your rhythm well and the idea and flow of images was very appealing. Appealing enough to be unique, but not new, if you know what I mean. You are certainly still trying to find a voice, a voice of your own. In my opinion, that's where you should aim for in later poems. Try not rhyming, that way you'll escape forced lines. Then you'll find yourself rambling maybe. Refine the rambling and you'll find yourself a voice. Lastly, pick your words carefully. Then you can come back to rhyming at your free will. You might not want to though.

Okay, to this piece-

I liked the image of mitten feet- pretty new. But I don't know why it has to be by the sea, with a fleet of ships. See, there might be a good association between sea and night, but its very misplaced here, and that's because you forced in a sentence so it would rhyme.

I'm not sure I like the repetition of verses. I think, I might be wrong, that it comes from not having more to say. Repetition works when each repeated line or verse has a new word or is slightly altered each time or when it is placed in a new context.

"I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near."

Here's two rhymes I thought were forced.

"Magnified in hallow air."

This was a particularly appropriate verse. But this line confused me. Either you mean "hallowed" or "hollow".

Overall, you have potential. If you need any other help, don't hesitate to ask.

Be good,
The Plant.

Hi there! Welcome to YWS.

XYZinnia wrote:The Eyes of Night


The patter of the mitten feet, Maybe mittened feet? I don't think mitten works with feet, though.
Swerving ‘cross the seaman’s fleet.
A leap, a step, a sudden move,
Retire to a hidden grove. Make "retire" retiring. It sounds better, and it improves the rhythm.

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear. You don't need that comma after "know", but you do need to replace that period with a comma.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

The foliage of the forest green, Don't need this comma.
Concealing creatures, beasts, unseen.
A rustle in the underbrush, This comma should be a period.
Something moves, a snake, or such. I don't really like this line. Not sure why, but it just doesn't fit, y'know? Maybe reword it?

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

A debt, a fight, an ally dark. I think "an" should maybe be in?
A bullet that has met it mark,
Fired fast, without a care,
Magnified in hallow air. "Hallow" should be hallowed.

If night had eyes, what would it see?
Keep your secrets, let me be.
I do not wish to know, or hear.
The robbers trick, where death is near.

I really liked this poem. I think it'd work better as a song though, what with the repetition. You pulled that off nicely. I think some of your rhymes seemed forced; for example: "The patter of the mitten feet, Swerving 'cross the seamen's fleet." From what I gathered, your poem does not have anything to do with the sea. I agree that it seems as if you just put that line in to make it rhyme. Rhyming is a good poetic devise, but only when it contributes to a poem as a whole. It shouldn't have to seem forced. I'd recommend not rhyming at all.
Overall, I think there were too many stray images in this poem. Bullets, robbers, snakes, seamen. These things don't connect to each other, and you didn't really make them connect. They offered great images, but they were out of place. I'd recommend using extended metaphor. Pick one of the aforementioned subjects (or any other from your poem) and allude to it throughout. Say that you pick the snake. That'd be good, since "snake" can mean a lot of things: cunning, graceful, the devil, poison, et cetera. So then you have all these ideas that apply to your metaphorical subject, and you can weave them into your poem.
Yes, this poem has a lot of potential, but I do agree that it needs a revision.
Hope I was able to help and not be too confusing.