Third Concerto

This space is filled with
endless rests; a caesura
would have been more
kind. I count them

swiftly, as an amateur:
they are no more musical
to me than are the double
bar lines. My lips tremble

at the fermata, fingers
wishing to fly, tongue
wishing to dance. A
single look from you

holds me back, quelling
my desire, begging me
to keep my silence until
it is time. You know

the music far more than
I, and I will follow you
to the end as I am bound --
as are we all -- to you,

Maestro.

This space is filled with
endless rests; a caesura
would have been more
kind. I count them

I love that line. It's also the first time I've ever read a poem that includes the word caesura. A short pause than an endless rest, very nice.

swiftly, as an amateur:
they are no more musical
to me than are the double
bar lines. My lips tremble

At first, if you have no knowledge about musical notation or only have slight knowledge about it this would make you wonder about the line but really double bar lines are meaningless. It just separates two section of piece and if those two piece are nothing then the whole notation are meaningless.

My lips tremble
at the fermata, fingers
wishing to fly, tongue
wishing to dance. A
single look from you

holds me back, quelling
my desire, begging me
to keep my silence until
it is time. You know

Again the pause, it's very rare that I encounter the usage of fermata in a poem. On the summary, it was a very nice poem but there's only one thing I didn't like and it's the cutting of phrases.

Ex.

wishing to dance. A
single look from you

holds me back, quelling...

I'm not going to have much to say on this, haha.

I love the music held behind this; and how it is easy to see that it could only be a metaphor, or mask, for a relationship. And yet I can also see you sitting at a piano. For that, I love it, and for that, I have nothing else to complain about. I loved the line breaks, and the flow was wonderful. Continue to be brilliant. ^_^

It's not my favorite poem in the entire world, but it was nice. Form following function was neat here. Music is hard to write about, because it's very difficult to convey a feeling given by a sound in words, but I think you did a nice job. Can't say much about rhyme scheme or structure or anything (since I know nothing ), but I enjoyed it.

I do like it, especially the end--I think you pulled that off well. My one complaint is that I've seen musical performance expressed this way before, and I'm getting a little tired of reading poems about being on a stage performing a piece. Though I think this is considerably better than some of the more...amateur...work on the site, it didn't bring anything new to the table.

-Colleen

I really liked this, Crys. It flowed really well for me, and the ending was what cinched it. I think the thing you could improve on is, although there may not be much room for it since the poem is well done already, adding a little more personal touch to it. I got the feeling of someone in a severed relationship as the narrator--am I right? Ach, even if I'm not, I loved this piece. Great job!

I found this through Acoustic Sensitivity's link in the exceptional poetry nominations. I like it a lot, but I'm not sure if its "exceptional".

The flow, the word choice is all excellent. I especially like this line-->

they are no more musical
to me than are the double
bar lines

However, for all the wonderful words, I can't quite get the feeling. And I play the trumpet; I have played on stage and had moments like this, when I just wanted to burst out on my own. Perhaps that why I can't quite get the feeling. Maybe.

But I think it's because, for all the sweet phrases, there's no real connection between the player and the maestro. She wants to dance, to sing, well, dance or sing what exactly? Everything is very mental, there's not much physical presence in this poem. Sure, her fingers dance, but is she straining forward to accent notes, swaying, preparing to turn the page ect. I think maybe adding another stanza after the third one depicting the actual yearning and the struggle to stay put would help.

You know

the music far more than
I, and I will follow you
to the end as I am bound --
as are we all -- to you,

Maestro.

This a perfect ending, a perfect point and meaning. However, I think it would really have strengthen it if you had introduced this idea earlier, focused less on the rest and notes, and more on the relationship between player and maestro.

Anyway, I honestly think it's fine the way it is, but that's some food for thought.

I really liked the flow into this. This is really good, Crysi. I do, however, want to point out each stanza is an on-going setence. Try to change the last and first line of each stanza so it's not on-going. Other than that, very good work! Keep it up!

-Rick.

This is really beautiful, it's a very elegant description of something so simple.

Wow, as a musician, I'm really impressed by how eloquently you captured the exhilarating tension of playing in an orchestra. Like Suzanne said, it works taken literally but can easily be interpreted as a metaphor as well, which makes it really interesting.

I think my favorite stanza is the one about the fermata. Those things can be sort of infuriating. XD

Anyway, I really have nothing very constructive to say. A simple, eloquent, vivid poem.

I really like this!

The flow in it is very good. I like many parts of the poem but I would probably have to say that my favourite part is the end.

the music far more than
I, and I will follow you
to the end as I am bound --
as are we all -- to you,

I must say though that I agree with lots oof people that I'm not really feeling this poem very well compared to some of the others that I have read.

Msuic is a hard subject to write about especially when writing a poem but you have done it very well especiall6y compare to some of the music poems I've read before!

I really liked this and I can't wait to read some more of of your work!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x

That was awesome, Crysi. I particularly loved the "my lips temble/at the fermata" line and the way there was *almost* an internal rhyme in each verse, but not quite (it's so subtle I'm not entirely sure if it was deliberate, but it works wonderfully either way). I disagree with those who say it doesn't bring anything new to the concept - I think it captured a very specific moment, whereas most of the similar poems I've seen tend to speak in generalities. I also love the way you could read it as a metaphor for a relationship, if you wanted. Nicely done

Cheers,
~bubbles