Lonely With You

Lonely With You

A girl feels sexy
when she dances alone.
We don’t need you to be watching,
when we get shivers down our spine
from our own cold hair
sweeping across our backs,
our body contorting and hands
gracefully moving to the music.

But it does help
for you to hold our hand,
give us an embrace.
We do get lonely,
and there are never to many
moments of sweetness
we can have together,
while we’re together.
It seems these things never last
these days.

Sometimes the emptiness strangles me
and I just want to scream,
toss my hair about,
get stuck in my sheets,
and scratch at my hands
to know why I must suffer this loneliness.
Sure, my years spent in happy relationships
may someday out number my singleness.
But right now, that’s all my life,
and it’s been feeling like torture.

Then other times,
I’m just happy to be here,
lying in bed,
a layer of warm air as my blanket,
being serenaded by my laptop:
my connection to the world,
my way of being everywhere at once;
by his side,
by your side,
and yet still alone at the same time.

Hey Yo-yo!

I haven't read anything of yours in a while.
But really, I could relate to this so subject-wise this was a great read.

We do get lonely,
and there are never to many

It should be 'never too many'

A girl feels sexy
when she dances alone.
We don’t need you to be watching,
when we get shivers down our spine
from our own cold hair
sweeping across our backs,
our body contorting and hands
gracefully moving to the music.

This would have to be my favorite stanza in the entire poem.

Sometimes the emptiness strangles me
and I just want to scream,
toss my hair about,
get stuck in my sheets,
and scratch at my hands

I didn't quite understand the hand scratching though. It doesn't seem like it fit.

Then other times,
I’m just happy to be here,
lying in bed,
a layer of warm air as my blanket,
being serenaded by my laptop:
my connection to the world,
my way of being everywhere at once;
by his side,
by your side,
and yet still alone at the same time.

The italicized line, you could do without.

Other than I loved this.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Hm. I liked it, but at the same time it felt a little too bald - too much telling, not enough showing, I think.

A girl feels sexy
when she dances alone.
We don’t need you to be watching,
when we get shivers down our spine
from our own cold hair
sweeping across our backs,
our body contorting and hands
gracefully moving to the music.

This is definitely my favourite stanza; I love the first two lines in particular. "Contorting" seems a little off - it doesn't suit the mood, IMHO - and the use of "our" reads a bit awkwardly, possibly because of the use of "a girl" in the beginning.

But it does help
for you to hold our hand,
give us an embrace.
We do get lonely,
and there are never to many
moments of sweetness
we can have together,
while we’re together.
It seems these things never last
these days.

I like the concept here, but I think you could jazz it up a bit by messing with the punctuation in the last few lines, to emphasize the repetition of "together" and what you mean by it. Maybe put the last two in parentheses? I don't know.

Sometimes the emptiness strangles me
and I just want to scream,
toss my hair about,
get stuck in my sheets,
and scratch at my hands
to know why I must suffer this loneliness.
Sure, my years spent in happy relationships
may someday out number my singleness.
But right now, that’s all my life,
and it’s been feeling like torture.

While I sympathise with the poet, this feels too...angsty? Try working with this a little bit more, see if you can get it to be less tell-y.

Then other times,
I’m just happy to be here,
lying in bed,
a layer of warm air as my blanket,
being serenaded by my laptop:
my connection to the world,
my way of being everywhere at once;
by his side,
by your side,
and yet still alone at the same time.

I like the ending, from "everywhere at once". The rest has the same problem as the previous verse.

Overall, a good poem with plenty of potential but currently a bit raw.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I really liked this poem. First off, what my favorite part is.

But it does help
for you to hold our hand,
give us an embrace.
We do get lonely,

That part is so awesome. Also your first stanza has perfect imagery that show you a crystal clear image. Then the next stanza gives the read a nice contrast.

and scratch at my hands

I didn't get this line. How do you want to scream, then scratch your hands?

being serenaded by my laptop:
my connection to the world,
my way of being everywhere at once;
by his side,
by your side,
and yet still alone at the same time.

I didn't think that this really fit in with the rest of the peom, it's off topic. Other than that i think that i would break down the stanza a little in a one or two. Over all FAB.

Kay