On The Edge

Do I belong? In these faded, familiar faces,
with worn out thoughts in well worn places,
In my home town street of honey brick.
Or does it lie in the stem of an undertaker’s candlestick?
As he inspects the edges on the victim’s lips.
Is the secret of life, gone in a wisp?

I’ll find freedom to wander,
I’ll keep pondering, ‘til
my fate brushes its whiskers against my windowsill.
Is the future in the eyes, of that careworn stranger
In the soft, scented hay of the baby’s manger?

But it will come to me, my underlying destiny
won’t let fears bother me.

So do we settle for the dreaded less,
or become those selfish characters, who hit and run
with our love affairs? Our happily ever afters?
It might be a crime, to look out for number one
when you’re willing to let down everyone
tie your dotted handkerchief,
and run.

To the emerald city! I’ll take myself there
I live more in dreams than I do anywhere. Just look in my eyes
for I’m already gone, you’ll miss me right now-
But when I’m done, Lord when I’m done, my legend will live on

Because I’m a tightrope walker, who belongs on the adrenaline tipped ledge
And I’ll rise to the top
‘cause I’ve got the edge.

Hm. There are some parts which have real potential, but there are other parts that make me scratch my head and wonder why they’re there at all.

I love the idea of “worn out thoughts in well-worn places.” A lovely image. However, the brick/stick rhyme feels very forced and a little nonsensical, as does the lips/wisp connection. Don’t force your ideas to conform to the rhyme scheme – it ends up making the poem shallow and squeezed. Try free verse, or a different form of rhyming poetry to free up your ideas.

I’m not really sure what the stuff about fate and destiny is doing in the poem – it doesn’t feel like you really follow it up, so maybe you should think about either excising it or making its connection with the rest of the poem clearer.

I love the fourth and fifth stanzas; I think you could really go far if you were not constrained by trying to rhyme every line. You have some really awesome concepts in there that fit together nicely. The ending is also very effective.

Overall, I think you need to tighten up your ideas and perhaps lose the strict rhyme scheme to follow the rhythm better. This piece definitely has potential, though. I hope you keep working on it!

Cheers,
~bubbles