A Devil's Promise (Introduction)

I re-edited the introduction and I hope you like the new revisions, meep!

Introduction
It has been years since the day we met, so long ago with so many memories. In life he waited for me and in death we never parted. This story that was written and is being read, is the only reminder of the history that changed the world forever.
There are some who say that Devils are evil, then some who say they are sacred. Based on the stories and legends of my people, they were basically shapers of the world. No one understood the concept of creation and denied that Devils had once, if even only for a little while, ruled the world.
So this is my story, the life that I wrote, my love, my memories, and even an unbearable pain that seperated us yet brought us together, in the end....
I lay in the soft green grass of the field outside my house and watched the clouds drift by across the sky. It seemed that they were apart of something much bigger than me and I felt so small compared to the endless sky. Inhaling the sweet scent of the flowers on the breeze I knew that the warm, summer climate was taking hold.
I could hear the soft breathing of the sleeping Kiba; he was my pet wolf. For his breed, Kiba was unusually large and his fur was coloured whiter than snow itself and gleamed as silver as the moon. Shining sharper than that of adamantite's edge, Kiba's left eye was an icy blue and his right eye was an icy green. In heighth, he came up to my neck; since I was five feet nine inches, he had to at least be five feet five inches. He scared many of the people that met him because of his size but in truth, he's probably the biggest baby you'd ever meet.
Kimeru, my big sister, came out and roused us from our daze, "Wake up Miko, Kiba. You know you can't sleep all day." I opened one eye, "Want us to go to the market?" She smiles then replies, "Of course, otherwise you won't get to eat tonight." I sighed, "What's the point of me working for our food? I think I should get it all because I do all the shopping." Kimeru grinned, "Yeah but I clean clothes, wash dishes, vacuum the house, dust, mop, sweep..." "Ok!" I said as I rolled my eyes and stood, "Come on then Kiba, lets go find my future husband so I can move out...." The wolf raised his head. I stood and made a small whistle in which Kiba jumped up with a wagging tail. Kimeru turned to go into the house, "Don't be long." "Right," I said and led Kiba down the only gravel road in the town of Hope to the village market.
My name is Miko and I'm sixteen years old. Kimeru just turned eighteen a few months ago and she already seemed to think that she was in charge. Having been orphaned only six years before, Kimeru was practically my only guardian. It was so long ago when my parents died that it seemed like a dream. I vaguely remember that night, and sometimes, I wish I'd forget it.
I lived with Kimeru in a two-story three-bedroom house; there were two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, and a laundry room. It was a pretty decently-sized house, but to me, it only sufficed as a place to eat and sleep. There was only two of us living here and Kimeru stayed home most of the time.
Hope was a small town on the rural countryside of eastern Gaea that lay upon the rolling hills at the bottom of the Kiske Mountains. The five or six farms in the town could be found on the outskirts situated near the Kiske Falls. Then the small, remaining number of residents lay throughout the whole of the area called Hope, scattered across the lush, green hills that we called home.
It was a peaceful place that one would easily feel at home because it was one of those places that anyone would willingly do all they could to help anyone in need. They protected what they believed and never let anything or anyone destroy what they had. This place and these people were all I knew and were all I'd probably ever know but I didn't want to stay, I wanted to travel and see the world, but it was hard when I never had the wings to fly to begin with or that one special light that opened another door to another world. In reality, all we could count on was each other, and in each other the memories of the time we spent together, and that time was quickly running out...

I know that the introduction goes kind of fast but it's to set the environment and the feeling of the setting. Meep! Be harsh in your critisism if you must but point out any errors. Nyeow.

Hey Tifa,

I don't think I've seen you around here before, so welcome to YWS.

I hope you have a pleasant stay, and find the help here as good as I do.

Let's get to the review then:

For the most part, I really like your piece. I do think that with a little refining, it could be spectacular.

Tifa13 wrote:I layed in the soft green grass of the field outside my house.

Now, contrary to popular belief, the word "layed" does not exist. In this context, I think the word you are looking for is "lay". Also, this is your first sentence of your piece, you want to make it exciting, gripping, and any other adjective that you might like to use to denote "grabbing the reader's attention". Your chance to hook the reader should not be wasted. There's plenty of time for pleasantries later.

I watched the clouds drift by across the sky and the sun, through the air and in the air, apart of something much bigger than me.

While I admire your tendency to try to show us everything in such vivid detail, there comes a time when we can see that you were forcing the words. Try something more natural, like: "I watched the white blankets that were the clouds slowly drift across the sky. They were up there in the clouds, and were, together with the sun, a part of something far greater than me." And yes, "a part" should be two words. Repetition of air doesn't really do anything for me.

I inhaled the sweet scent of the flowers on the breeze and felt the crisp feel of the summer air.

You might feel the crisp sensation, but saying that you felt the crisp feel seems a little clumsy.

The warmth of the suns rays relaxed my body

We get it by now, you're relaxed!

I could hear the soft breathing of the sleeping Okamikiba; he was my pet wolf.

I'd start the new paragraph here.

For his kind he was unusually large and his fur was a raven's black;

This also seems a little forced. If you're going to try to write in this smooth epic style, then perhaps you would switch "kind" for "breed"? Also, it sounds like you're telling us "for his kind, his fur was a raven's black" which is fairly off-putting. You might want to end the sentence after "large". Perhaps, "For his kind, Okamikiba was unusually large. His fur was painted as black as even the darkest of ravens."

his left eye was an icy blue and his right an icy green, they both could pierce the hardest adamantite at a single glance.

Try keep your readers in the loop as much as you possibly can. Throwing a word such as adamantite into the equation, whether it is a made-up element, or even a real word that many of us don't know about, can be disruptive. Also, merely because they're icy, hard, sharp, or anything else, you'll have to explain how they could pierce something metal without any force. And yes, I understand that you're talking figuratively, but it really throws the reader off.

We both lay here in the crisp grass dreaming about something or other and enjoyed the warm rays of the sun

Ditch this. We already know it. Redundancies, are superfluous extraneous, unnecessary, and unwanted. Begin the paragraph "Then, my big sister..."

Now I'm going to fix up a piece of your dialogue grammar, watch carefully. Especially the new lines when someone speaks.

Kimeru, came out and roused us from our daze.
"Wake up Miko, Okamikiba, you lazybones, you can't sleep all day you know." I opened one eye.
"Want us to go to the market?"
She smiled, "Of course, otherwise you won't get to eat tonight." {This is really non-realistic dialogue, it'll need work}
I sighed, "Fine fine. C'mon Okamikiba, time to go shopping." {Once again, unrealistic, and not gripping.}
The wolf raised his head, his ears straight up {Seems a little clumsy. Ditch the second part, and end the sentence there.} ; I stood and whistled softly. Okamikiba {He's got a name. Use it.} jumped up with a wagging [s]and eager[/s] tail.
Kimeru turned to go into the house, "Don't be long."
"Right," I said and led Okamikiba down the only gravel road in the town of Sakura to the village market.

[s]Thinking[/s], I lived with my sister Kimeru in a two-story three-bedroom house; there were two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, and a laundry room. It was small but sufficed as a home; there were only two of us in the now large house.

Why is the house large now? Why was it small before?

My name is Miko, of course, and I'm sixteen.

Don't talk down to us, how should we know your name.

Kimeru had just turned eighteen a few months ago and was already like an adult; we had been orphaned only six years before because our parents had died from a fire accident in the local church.

Try, "Kimeru turned eighteen a few months ago. She already seemed to think that she was in charge. Six years ago, our parents died in the fire at the church."

It was so long ago that it seemed like only a dream.

Kill the "only".

I vaguely remember that night, and sometimes, I wish I'd forget.

I wish I'd forget it

Shaking my head so I could erase the unpleasant thought, I thought of something else;

This is an interesting thought. If you are so comfortable in Sakura, why are you thinking about it? Kind of convenient that you think of something you want to tell us. Rather just begin the paragraph from "Sakura was a..."

Sakura was a small town on the rural countryside of eastern Gaea that layed upon the rolling hills at the bottom of the Kiske Mountains.

Beautiful! Except that it lay. NOT layed.

The five or six farms in Sakura laid on the outskirts of the town and the rest of the residents lived in small houses here and there.

You just used lay. Try, "The five or six farms in Sakura could be found on the outskirts of the town. The remaining residents lived in small houses that lay scattered across the whole of Sakura.

It was a peaceful place that one would easily feel at home; it was one of those places that anyone would give the shirt off their back without a second glance.

This is a little disturbing. People just all of a sudden start taking their shirts off . You need to elaborate.

They protected [s]in[/s] what they believed and never let anything or anyone destroy what they had.

End sentence here.

This place and these people were all I knew and were all I'd probably ever know but I didn't want to stay, I wanted to travel and see the world, but it was hard when I never had the wings to fly to begin with or that one special light that opened another door to another world. In reality, all we could count on was eachother, and in eachother the memories of the time we spent together, and that time was quickly running out.....

Each other is two words.

Overall, this is quite a nice piece, but it does need work. Firstly, you need to start writing more naturally. Try describing important details only. Give us information as we need it. You don't need to overload us with the background. Don't however completely neglect it either. This is also very slow and needs certain attention with regard to what actually happens. Hook us. Make us want to read more. Most importantly, ensure that we are so enthralled by your book, that we don't even notice those one or two minor mistakes.

Have a good one!

Hello Tifa13 and welcome to YWS . I am The.Dreamwalker, reviewer extraoridinare just kidding... but it's a pleasure to meet you and I'm here to review your work. Alright, I'm going to critique this even though it was already critiqued, but lightly kay?

Alright so onto my critique.

I layed in the soft green grass of the field outside my house. I watched the clouds drift by across the sky and the sun, through the air and in the air, apart of something much bigger than me. I inhaled the sweet scent of the flowers on the breeze and felt the crisp feel of the summer air.

The first sentence is a little lack lustre with it's feel. Give us something with it, excite the reader. Also, with these three sentences, dont start them all with I. It sounds very 'I did this. I did this. I did this.' That gets very repetitive and boring for the reader. Remember, the reader isnt stupid. They catch onto these things.

of the suns rays relaxed

Quick nit-pick. Suns should have an apostrophe. Sorry I get annoyed when they are misused :S

raven's black

A raven's black what? Sorry this sentence sounds silly even if I do know what you mean by it. Try the deepest colour of raven black, or some sort. Use the word colour before it somewhere because it sounds silly if not.

For his kind he was unusually large and his fur was a raven's black; his left eye was an icy blue and his right an icy green, they both could pierce the hardest adamantite at a single glance.

This is blatantly too long. It's run on. My biggest pet peeve, as some of the YWS people know, it the overuse or misuse of the semicolon. I plainly dont like them and the use of them, but used in a nice situation, I will overlook them. This could have been a nice situation if in the rest of the sentence you could have put a period where the comma is. That sentence is too long and doesnt need the comma.

We both lay here in the crisp grass dreaming about something or other and enjoyed the warm rays of the sun until my big sister, Kimeru, came out and roused us from our daze,

This jumps from the present tense to the past tense. Watch out for that for the reader can get easily annoyed.

"Wake up Miko, Okamikiba, you lazybones, you can't sleep all day you know."

This is riddled with terrible comma structure *shakes head* structure, structure, structure...

I said and led Okamikiba down the only gravel road in the town of Sakura to the village market.

I'm guessing this takes place in Japan? Or do you just like the Japanese culture when it comes to names and such things?

Honestly, as an anime fan myself, I sometimes find japanese names in western literature to be a little corny, not saying your writing is. It just feels silly. Try giving them more western names, or, if thats not for you, make up some weird ones like 'Genler' or 'Taico'. The whole Japanese name thing just seems misplaced.

Okay so I'm going to end my critique there since you should be able to catch onto anything that I've been nit-picking with that on your mind.

Overall, your wording is nice, and your vocabulary is not bad. You need to work on your structure terribly though, not trying to be mean or anything. Some of your comma's end up in the wrong places and your sentence structure is a little off. Also the jumping from past and present tense is sloppy. Reread your work and the reread it aloud. It will help.

Other then that, this stories got a lot of potential and keep practicing. Soon enough you'll be writing wonders .

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Thank you both for your critism, I really needed it. Lol, I hate critism because it makes me irate but I really do appreciate it. I'll start revising tonight and hopefully have it done by next week. Your crisisms were really useful! Meep!

Hey Tifa, I meant to review this yesterday, but I never got round to it! Have we met? No? Call me Stella...

I. NITPICKS

The warmth of the suns rays

sun's rays

Okamikiba; he was my pet wolf.

You could just say Okamikiba, my pet wolf...

right an icy green,

green is icy?

they both could pierce the hardest adamantite at a single glance.

Literally?

She smiles, "Of course, otherwise you won't get to eat tonight." I sighed,

There should be a new paragraph before "I".

"Don't be long." "Right," I said

Again, new paragraph before "Right."

all we could count on was eachother, and in eachother the memories of the time we spent together, and that time was quickly running out.....

Each other is two words.

II. PARAGRAPHS

A lot of your text is in big chunks... remember: paragraph!

Begin a new paragraph when:

-A new idea or subject is introduced.
-Somebody new begins speaking.

The second one especially you need to learn. Otherwise, your dialogue gets messy and unattractive...

III. PROLOGUE-INESS

A prologue introduces your story. It can introduce your main character, and also show some element of your story. I think this is more Chapter One than Prologue/Introduction. It's a grand beginning, but a Prologue or Introduction is more pro-beginning... just something to chew on...

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, just needs a few tweakings!

Hope I helped, feel free to drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella.