A New World *Contest Entry*

Here's my entry for beckiw's contest. I'm really sorry it's late, but here it is... Finally!
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“One...two…three…” Allie’s soft voice drifted through the trees as I ran, almost blindly through the forest to find a hiding spot. It was late afternoon, and even though I could see patches of clear blue sky through the dense canopy above, down here it was as gloomy as a funeral.------

Okay, so before you shoot me for supposedly 'wasting' your precious time with my boring story, (Don't try to deny it. I know it's what you're thinking!) I probably should answer a couple questions I’m sure you have.
One. Who is this ‘I’?
Two, what are Allie and ‘I’ doing in a gloomy forest on a late afternoon?
Well, the answers to those questions are really quite simple, especially the first one which I can answer in four simple words. I am Fiana Crawley.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Probably something like, ‘What kind of name is that?’ or ‘Tee hee… what a stupid name!’.
Now don’t get me wrong, I totally agree. But for some reason my parents decided to give it to me. I hate it and all, but there is one thing that I have to be glad for. And that is the fact that it’s not as weird as the name my parents decided to give my older brother. They named him Bugs. (He changed it to Joe when he moved out though.)
But, that’s enough about me. You’ll be sure to find out more about me later. As for the second questions, well I’ll answer that now.
It all started about six months before that gloomy afternoon in the forest, on a normal Friday evening. Allie and I were at my house, as usual, watching 13 going on 30 and pigging out on chips and root beer floats. It should have been a normal Friday evening, but I had no idea about the awful news that Allie was going to have to tell me on that fateful night.
That’s right, you guessed it. The big news was that Allie and her family were moving away. All the way down from little Canmore, Alberta to California to be exact. Now, because Allie was my best friend, and my only friend I might add, I did what anyone would do faced with news like that. I freaked.
Anyways, for the rest of the night, Allie tried to calm me down, and by the morning we had made a plan. That was that we were going to go into the forest behind my acreage for one last game of hide and seek before she left. That was another thing we liked to do. Play wondrous games of hide and seek in the forest every Saturday.
But don’t think that this is just a story about a plain old game of hide and seek. Oh no, not by a long shot! This is a story about my first encounter with a new world. So now, let's get back to the real story.

-----As I was running through the woods, I suddenly saw a small patch of light peeking through the trees in the distance. I’ve never seen that before. I thought to myself, speeding up a little bit. Is it a clearing or something?.
And I was right. I came to a stop as I emerged into a large meadow, complete with wildflowers of every kind. The clearing was surrounded on all sides by the closely packed trees, except for one spot where there were overgrown steps, leading down to an ornate gate with a huge padlock the size of my head locking it closed.
Now, I’m a very curious person, so of course I cautiously walked down the steps and peeked through the locked gate.
I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting to find on the other side, but as I looked through to find just more dense woodland, I felt strangely disappointed.
Shaking my head as if to clear it, I turned and began walking back up the steps. But, before I had gotten more than about three steps up, I heard a loud creaking noise coming from behind me. Whipping around, I saw the gate suddenly start to move inward, the lock completely gone.
My mouth immediately popped open. Well, how else was I supposed to react? Hadn’t there been a huge padlock there just a few seconds ago? It’s not like things like this happen (or I guess I should say happened) to me all the time.
At that moment, I was pulled out of my reverie by a loud bang as the gate stopped moving. Then, almost simultaneously, a fierce, unyielding wind started up from behind. Abruptly, I was being pulled and pushed toward the woods, headed straight for a very hard and sturdy looking oak tree.
“Oh no! No no no!” I shrieked, turning around and trying extremely hard to run the other way. But sadly, I was lifted off the ground by the unearthly wind and rapidly hurled towards the trees.
Screaming, I braced myself for the impact that thankfully didn’t come. Peeling my eyes open slowly, I saw that I was flying away from the gate, that was ever growing smaller and smaller. Below me I saw not the forest floor as I was expecting but a fancy tiled hallway type floor. It seemed as though I was not in the forest anymore, and I would have thought that, had I not seen the trees rushing by me on both sides at incredible speeds.
Then, as quickly as it had started, the wind ceased and I crashed onto the ground with a loud thump.
And then, everything went black.
***
I woke slowly, roused by the sound of men’s voices. “Is she ever gonna wake up?” a man’s voice said, seemingly from beside me. I felt a warm, calloused hand grab my arm and shake me roughly. “Hey, you. Wake up!” the man practically shouted.
I wrenched my arm from his grip, rolled over and slowly peeled my eyes open. I was in what seemed to be a palace, and on a bed that felt like it was made of millions of little feathers. Ornate columns stretched all the way up to the roof. Muted light shone through stained glass windows placed high above.
"Good, you're awake." a different voice said from around the same place that the first had come from. I sat up, and turned to see who was speaking to me.
Two boys, maybe a few years older than I was, stood beside my bed, looking down at me with similar smug expressions. But that seemed to be the only thing similar about them. They looked like total and complete opposites. One had bleach blond hair, while the other had hair as black as night. One had on a white outfit (the blond one, and I mean WHITE. Absolutely everything he was wearing was white.) while the dark haired one had on a completely black outfit.
"Who are you?" I squeaked, trying to sound brave but failing miserably. The blond one laughed, but the dark haired one's expression turned curiously stony. I glared at them both.
"Oh, we could ask you the same question. We found you lying in a heap on the ground, out like a light." the blond one. Was it just me, or did he seem to do all the talking? "Where are you from anyways?" he added. "You don't look like you're from around here."
I just stared at him. It was as if I thought that if I could stare him down for long enough, I could decipher who exactly he was and what he wanted.
"Are you just gonna stare at him forever, or are you gonna answer the question?" the dark haired one asked in a very annoyed tone.
Suddenly, I felt the uncontrollable urge to punch the living daylights out of this infuriating boy in front of me. I swung my legs around and over the edge of the bed, and stood up. Or at least I tried to. As soon as my feet touched the ground though, my legs gave and I started to fall; only to be caught by the blond boy.
"Woah, steady there." he said, amusement in his voice. He made me sit back down on the bed, and then turned to go. "I'm gonna go get Finno." he said. But to me or the dark haired boy, I didn't know.
I blinked and looked around once. "Who's Finno?" I asked, confused. But they were already gone.

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That's it. I might continue the story, but this is it for the contest entry. Again, I'm so sorry for it being late!

Hi I really enjoyed how this was written, it all seemed really friendly and informal from how the main character talks. I hope you do continue with this!

Allie’s soft voice drifted through the trees as I ran, almost blindly through the forest to find a hiding spot. It was late afternoon, and even though I could see patches of clear blue sky through the dense canopy above,

I like how you begin The only thing I would change is that you use 'through' three times quite soon after one another, I'd change one or two, for instance 'through the forest' could be 'within the forest' and 'of clear blue sky through the dense canopy' could be 'behind the dense canopy'.

One. Who is this ‘I’?
Two, what are Allie and ‘I’ doing in a gloomy forest on a late afternoon?

I'd maybe put the questions in italics to show it is what you think the reader will be asking.

I hate it and all, but there is one thing that I have to be glad for. And that is the fact that it’s not as weird as the name my parents decided to give my older brother.

I'd join these two sentences with a dash instead of having them separate. If you did do that you could maybe simplify the second part a little to read easier- maybe something like 'there is one thing that I have to be glad for- the fact that it's not as weird as the name my parents decided to give my older brother.'

They named him Bugs. (He changed it to Joe when he moved out though.)

I think you could change the bracket part a little to be a bit funnier Maybe something like (Something that he changed as soon as he moved out to a more ordinary name of Joe) would work well as it fits in with the jokey theme that you have done so well with the rest of your writing

But, that’s enough about me. You’ll be sure to find out more about me later. As for the second questions, well I’ll answer that now.

I'd join the first two sentences with a dash maybe and leave out 'about me' as the reader will already know what you are talking about. I think 'questions' needs to be 'question'.

That’s right, you guessed it. The big news was that Allie and her family were moving away. All the way down from little Canmore, Alberta to California to be exact.

I didn't guess it I'm not sure if its an answer you would automatically jump to so I might change this to something a bit different like 'In case you didn't guess it' or something similar. That way it includes all of us slow people who don't get things like that I think 'A long way down' instead of 'All the way down' might work better here too.

I did what anyone would do faced with news like that.

I'd maybe add 'when' before 'faced'.

That was that we were going to go into the forest behind my acreage for one last game of hide and seek before she left. That was another thing we liked to do. Play wondrous games of hide and seek in the forest every Saturday.

I would leave out 'That was that' as I think the sentence runs smoother without it, I'd also join the last two sentences with something like a dash. I think you could also add more explanation here as its not really much of a plan, is it a goodbye kind of thing? As by plan I would have thought that you would have found a way around the situation but its more just a last game thing so maybe commenting on why they are doing it would make more sense

But don’t think that this is just a story about a plain old game of hide and seek. Oh no, not by a long shot! This is a story about my first encounter with a new world. So now, let's get back to the real story.

You repeat story a few times, I'd maybe change one or two to something like 'tale'.

I’ve never seen that before. I thought to myself, speeding up a little bit. Is it a clearing or something?.

As this is her thoughts I would put it into italics to separate it from the narration.

And I was right.

I think this might sound better without the 'And' at the beginning.

leading down to an ornate gate with a huge padlock the size of my head locking it closed.

I'm not sure about 'locking it closed', maybe something like 'preventing entry' or 'wrapped around its bars' would work better.

I cautiously walked down the steps and peeked through the locked gate.

You mentioned 'peeking' quite recently so I might change the word you use here- perhaps 'peered'?

I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting to find on the other side, but as I looked through to find

I'd change the second 'find' so you are not repeating it, maybe 'see' or something similar

At that moment, I was pulled out of my reverie by a loud bang as the gate stopped moving. Then, almost simultaneously, a fierce, unyielding wind started up from behind.

Why would the gate bang when it stops moving? Is it some sort of magic thing or does it hit something? I'd add an explanation for the sound. I think 'me' on the end of 'behind' might sound better too.

I shrieked, turning around and trying extremely hard to run the other way.

I think you could use a better word than 'turning' here like 'twisting'

Peeling my eyes open slowly, I saw that I was flying away from the gate, that was ever growing smaller and smaller. Below me I saw not the forest floor as I was expecting but a fancy tiled hallway type floor. It seemed as though I was not in the forest anymore, and I would have thought that, had I not seen the trees rushing by me on both sides at incredible speeds.

This is all a bit confusing, I understand that it would be for the character as well but I'd maybe explain it a bit more. If the floor is tiled then I don't really understand where the trees are growing from If it is two different scenes merging, I'd maybe comment more on that perhaps saying something about her own thoughts on where she was and the confusingness of it all.

Then, as quickly as it had started, the wind ceased and I crashed onto the ground with a loud thump.
And then, everything went black.

I'd either get rid of the 'then' at the beginning of the first sentence or the 'And then' at the beginning of the second so you are not repeating then.

“Is she ever gonna wake up?” a man’s voice said,

As its a question, 'asked' instead of 'said' might be better.

rolled over and slowly peeled my eyes open.

You've just used 'slowly' to describe how she is waking up so I'd maybe change this one to something else like 'carefully' or 'gently'.

Ornate columns stretched all the way up to the roof. Muted light shone through stained glass windows placed high above.

I think this might sound better as one sentence joined with 'and', just my preference though

One had bleach blond hair, while the other had hair as black as night. One had on a white outfit (the blond one, and I mean WHITE. Absolutely everything he was wearing was white.) while the dark haired one had on a completely black outfit.

I think it might be easier to clump the description of the blond hair boy into one part and black hair boy into another- so going on from the boy with bleached hair to say he was dressed entirely in white before moving onto the other one.

the blond one. Was it just me, or did he seem to do all the talking?

I wouldn't think she would think this as the black haired one was talking before (or so I thought telling her to wake up) and they haven't really said much yet so she wouldn't properly be able to tell.

He made me sit back down on the bed, and then turned to go.

It might be good here to show how he made her sit back down, like pushing her forcefully back onto the bed or something like that.

Overall: I did really like this beginning and I know its for a contest but I think you should stick with it! I'm definitely curious as to what is going on

I'd maybe add more expressions to the two boys and herself, I know you say that the black haired boys expression turned stony but perhaps you could mention more how it turned stony- like his eyebrows drawing low into a frown or something like that. More on how they look whilst talking might really help get a good picture of them You introduce Fiana's friend but don't really mention anything else on her- unless she does not appear again and is irrelevant I think you could add perhaps some thoughts from Fiana as to whether she is alright and things like or where she is. I have mentioned before as well that I think you need to explain more why they did decide to play hide and seek. If she does come into it more, some sort of description would be helpful too.

I think more feeling from Fiana would be effective, like on how confused she is when she wakes up, whether she is scared and her heart thumping and stuff like that. If you added more on her thoughts then this would be an easy way of showing this as well I don't know how she looks yet, but I'm not sure if its needed until later on so no problem there I noticed that a few of your senteces could sound better joined together either with dashes or connectives, I pointed out the ones I did notice though

I love the style of writing you have for this piece, all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want! Hope I've helped and good luck in the contest!