Blue ice fire...

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okauy...i finally finished chapter 2....but it still needs soem editing. Sorry its so long!









I hadn't noticed that Tanner was still walking with me when we reached my class. He looked down at his paper then shrugged, walking into the room with me. I looked at him and asked, "Don't you think you need to get to class?"

He laughed and gave me his schedule. I stared down at it. We had three classes together, including science, which happened to be the class she was about to enter. The room was big, with new appliances, and black lab tables that sat two to a table. Looking at Tanner, I headed to the back, where there was already a few kids sitting. I quickly sat down at one of the tables, making sure there was an empty chair beside me. Tanner walked back and sat beside me. He wasn't that bad looking, even with the slight show of freckles, which just happened to bee splattered lightly across the bridge of his nose. I smiled when he looked at me.

"Are you excited?" he asked, tapping his pen on his notebook.

I shrugged. "Not really." The bell rung, signaling the start of school. I looked up in time to see Josh, and two other fotball players walk in. They eyed us before sitting at the tables on either side of us. Josh glared at Tanner before breaking out in a menacing grin.

"So Tanner, how's you and your little girlfriend doing? You gonna tap that?" I laid my hand on his, attempting to calm him down. His fist was curled into a tight ball, like he was getting ready to punch him again. I sent a look at Josh that would have made another person wince, but he just blew me a kiss. I grimanced. Tanner looked at me, and exhaled ruffly. Josh kept making rude remarks until the teacher walked in. I looked down at my schedule. It said his name was Mr. Donally. Huh, weird name. Mr. Donally was a pourtly man. His beer belly was slightly hidden, but was pronounced by the tight shirt he wore.I looked back up when he cleared his throat. He was standing beside our desk, glaring down at our hands, which happened to still be together. I pulled my hand back and layed it it my lap. Josh and his buddies were busy laughing, while Tanner sat there in his chair, his face washed of any expression. Mr. Donally cleared his throat again and walked to the front of the class. He wrote his name on the board in big scrawny letters. Turning he looked at us, glancing down at the spot where our hands had rested, then addressed the class, which had filled up by now.

"Alright class. Welcome to Biology I. My name is Mr. Donally, and I'll be your teacher for the next three months." Here at Mercy High, we were on block schedule, which meant we only had four classes a semester instead of eight. But with that, the classes were twice as long. I sighed, drumming my fingers on the desk. Tanner looked at me, his eyebrow arched questionally. Josh and his buddies were still looking at us, but we paid them no mind. Mr. Donally was checking off names from the list.

"Marissa Sanders?" A girl behind me raised her hand. She was wearing a black T-shirt that had Punk written in bright pink letters. Her hair was pitch black and her eys were surrounded with pink and black eyeliner.

"Tanner Jenkins?" Tanner raised his hand. Josh snickered.

"Joshua Flanning?" Josh quit snickering and raised his hand. I giggled on the inside and stuck my tongue out at him, only to look quickly at the teacher when he called my name.

"Cecilia Thompson?" I quickly raised my hand and brought it back again. He peered at me from behind his thick glasses. Finished with role call, he turned back to the board. I looked back at Tanner, who was slouching, almost bent over with his forehead barely touching the desk. He still had that same expression on his face, the one that said "Leave me alone, or I'll hurt you".

Tanner had calmed down by now, even with Josh still nagging at him. Josh was a big guy, but not in the way I thought. When I had first seen him, he looked big, probably he wore his letterman jacket. For some reason they always made you look bigger than you were. His blonde hair had been tousled by the slight wind friction outside, though it was hidden by a cap now.

“Mr. Flanning?” Mr. Donallys’ voice echoed throughout the quiet classroom. Josh stopped snickering at Tanner and turned his attention to the teacher. His letterman jacket was thrown in the empty chair beside him. His yellow shirt was nearly skin tight and showed off his broad shoulders. The thick bands or muscles in his arms flexed when he turned as did the muscles in his neck.

I looked at Tanner. They were about the same size except Tanners’ muscles were more evened out. I glanced down at his pants. Khaki. I could tell just by looking at him he had lean hips and a narrow waist. Josh on the other hand was more pronounced, more buff, like one of those serious weightlifters. My gaze drifted back up to his face. His shirt was also skin tight, but it hugged his broad chest like a child hugs his mother. His nose was straight and led to a sensual mouth, full in the bottom and thin on the top. His chin was squared off, but it led to strongly defined jawbones. High cheekbones accented light gray-green eyes. Almond shaped, just like her mothers. His freckles were scattered across the bridge of his nose, but you couldn't see them if you didn't look close. Really close. His hair was slightly ruffled and curled over his forehead.

"Yes, Mr. Donally." Josh wasgrinning innocently at Mr. Donally, his hat tipped to the left. Mr. Donally glared at Josh from behind his desk, which was strown with papers. The blackboard behind him was covered with his scrawny handwrititng. Tanner had his head in his hands by now and was glowering at Josh from the corner of his eye. Joshs' smile slowly faded and I could see his adams apple move as he swallowed.

"Mr. Flanning, this will be my first adn only warning. Please remove your hat and come to the front of the class." Josh was pale now as he stood up and walked to the front of the class, his hat clutched tightly in his right hand. I snickered to myself. It didn't go unnoticed. Mr. Donally's head snapped towards me.

"Miss Thompson. It seems you find something funny. Would you like to share it with the class?" his eyes were full of contempt and fury as he glared down at me. I stopped giggling and looked him back at him. I swallowed. Hard.

"No sir." I mummbled, my heart beat slowing. I hated getting called out in class. But some things were just unavoidable. Mr. Donally glared at me another second before mummbling and turning back to the board, his scrawny handwriting covering the board once again. I couldn't talk, my handwritting was just as bad. I sat there contemplating on sleeping or taking notes when I felt something brush against my elbow. I looked down at the object. I was a piece of paper with sloppy handwriting, but much neater than mine. I slid it infront of me, my eyes glancing down for the briefiest of seconds at the writing there.

Hi

I smiled to myself, amused. Beside my sloppy handwriting, his looked normal. I replied, still smiling.

Hi yourself.

My grin spread wider as I passed it back to him. I heard the familiar sound a pencil brushign up against paper. I peeked over at him through the corner of my eyes. His eyebrows were burrowed in frustration as he hovered over soemthing. He scribbled something before passing it back to me. He seemd hesitant about it, like he was scared to. I gave him an encouraging smile before lookign at it.

You know... I was just thinking, you know...about what Josh said earlier.

My brows burrowed together now, not out of frustration, but out of confusion. I could feel Tanners eyes on me so I wrote the first thing that came to mind.

What about it?

My heart was racing now. I could well recal what Josh had said earlier. and everything else. Tanners handwriting greeted me again as he passed me the note again.

Well, I was just wondering...do you? If you don't then that's okay...I mean I really like you and everything, but if you don't want to be my...my girlfriend then that's okay.


I smiled again and replied

If thats what you want. :)

I passed it back to him. He looked at me, his eyes questioning. I smiled, and his face broke out into a grin. I hadn't noticed it before but he had a dimple, tucked right in the crook of his mouth. On the right side of course. My heart was pounding now, as was my head. A giggle slipped out before I could stop it and Mr. Donally turned to glare at us. Again. His brow was arched, and sweat beads rested on his forehead. I gulped as he started back towards us. Tanners hand found mine under the table and he gave it a squeeze. I squeezed back but just barely, because I had lost all control over my muscles. I stared in horror as Mr. Donally stopped beside us adn glared down a tme. I felt my face flush and sweat form on my brow. Mr. Donally's expression changed from anger to concern. Tanner was looking at me now too, as was the whole class.

"Miss Thompson, are you okay?" I felt like I was burning up. The pounding in my head was louder, more pronounced, making it feel like it was about to explode any moment. I shook my head, trying ot get rid of the feeling.
Bad idea.

The pounding in my head got louder, banging against my skull. I lifted my hands and put them against my ears, trying to block out the noise, which seemed to explode in my ears. I looked up at Mr. Donally, whose face was frozen in horror. I heard an earsplitting scream echo throughout the room as he jumped back. All the kids were staring at me now, various expression on their faces. Tanners’ was of confusion. His hand reached towards me, landing on my shoulder. I felt like I was on fire where he touched me. I didn’t notice it was me screaming till I saw the floor coming to greet me. I lost consciousness, but I was vaguely aware of someone calling my name. I welcome the darkness and it’s silence, as I rocked back and forth between pain and peace.
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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Hi there! Here's what I found:

Nitpicks:

First:

He laughed and gave me his schedule. I stared down at it. We had three classes together, including science, which happened to be the class she was about to enter. The room was big, with new appliances, and black lab tables that sat two to a table. Looking at Tanner, I headed to the back, where there was already a few kids sitting. I quickly sat down at one of the tables, making sure there was an empty chair beside me. Tanner walked back and sat beside me. He wasn't that bad looking, even with the slight show of freckles, which just happened to bee splattered lightly across the bridge of his nose. I smiled when he looked at me.


The first bolded word is wrong. I think it should be I, though I'm not sure. The second bolded one is where I suggest you start a new paragraph. The last one should be be

Second:

I shrugged. "Not really." The bell rung, signaling the start of school. I looked up in time to see Josh, and two other fotball players walk in. They eyed us before sitting at the tables on either side of us. Josh glared at Tanner before breaking out in a menacing grin.


First bolded word could be a new paragraph. The comma isn't necessary between "Josh, and two" and the last word should be football

Third:

"So Tanner, how's you and your little girlfriend doing? You gonna tap that?" I laid my hand on his, attempting to calm him down. His fist was curled into a tight ball, like he was getting ready to punch him again. I sent a look at Josh that would have made another person wince, but he just blew me a kiss. I grimaced. Tanner looked at me, and exhaled [b]ruffly. Josh kept making rude remarks until the teacher walked in. I looked down at my schedule. It said his name was Mr. Donally. Huh, weird name.[/b] Mr. Donally was a pourtly man. His beer belly was slightly hidden, but was pronounced by the tight shirt he wore.I looked back up when he cleared his throat. He was standing beside our desk, glaring down at our hands, which happened to still be together. I pulled my hand back and laid it it my lap. Josh and his buddies were busy laughing, while Tanner sat there in his chair, his face washed of any expression. Mr. Donally cleared his throat again and walked to the front of the class. He wrote his name on the board in big scrawny letters. Turning he looked at us, glancing down at the spot where our hands had rested, then addressed the class, which had filled up by now.

The bolded word should be how're. AS for the rest of the paragraph, I honestly think you should rearrange most of it. It would flow a lot better to me if you made it more along the lines of
"Tanner's fist curled into a tight ball, as if he was getting ready to punch him again. I laid my hand on his, attempting to calm him down, and sent Josh a look that would have made anyone else wince; he just blew me a kiss. I grimaced and turned back to Tannar. He looked at me and exhaled roughly..." And so on. But that's just my opinion.
Also, the part where you say "Mr. Donally was a portly man." should be the start of a new paragraph. And I was a bit confused when you said he walked in one moment and then was standing by your desk the next. That was kind of fast dont you think?

Fourth:

"Tanner Jenkins?" Tanner raised his hand. Josh snickered.

"Joshua Flanning?" Josh quit snickering and raised his hand. I giggled on the inside and stuck my tongue out at him, only to look quickly at the teacher when he called my name.

"Cecilia Thompson?" I quickly raised my hand and brought it back again. He peered at me from behind his thick glasses. Finished with role call, he turned back to the board. I looked back at Tanner, who was slouching, almost bent over with his forehead barely touching the desk. He still had that same expression on his face, the one that said "Leave me alone, or I'll hurt you".

This may just me being stupid, but I didn't really understand why Josh was snickering at Tanner. Was it because he had to raise his hand? You should explain that part a bit more. Also, the role call seemed to end pretty fast. Donally only called out about four names. You could stretch that out a bit more by adding something simple in like "donally continued on with his attendance as I looked back at Tanner."

Fifth:
Tanner had calmed down by now, even with Josh still nagging at him. Josh was a big guy, but not in the way I thought. When I had first seen him, he looked big, probably he wore his letterman jacket. For some reason they always made you look bigger than you were. His blonde hair had been tousled by the slight wind [s]friction[/s] outside, though it was hidden by a cap now
.
The first sentence seems to be a contradiction. Didn't you just say he had a 'talk to me and I'll kill you' look on his face? Also, the next couple of sentences are awkward. Try rephrasing them.

Sixth:
I looked at Tanner. [s]They[/s] His muscles were about the same size except that they were more evened out. I glanced down at his pants. Khaki. I could tell just by looking at him he had lean hips and a narrow waist. Josh on the other hand was more pronounced, more buff, like one of those serious weightlifters. My gaze drifted back up to his face. His shirt was also skin tight, but it hugged his broad chest like a child hugs his mother. His nose was straight and led to a sensual mouth, full in the bottom and thin on the top. His chin was squared off, but it led to strongly defined jawbones. High cheekbones accented light gray-green eyes. Almond shaped, just like her mothers. His freckles were scattered across the bridge of his nose, but you couldn't see them if you didn't look close. Really close. His hair was slightly ruffled and curled over his forehead.

This whole paragraph got a bit confusing. You switched back and forth between Josh and Tanner and it got really hard to tell who you were describing at times.


There were a couple of more things like this that I haven't gotten around to mentioning, but I'm running out of time and I want to move on to my overall so I'll leave them for other people.

Overall:

In all honesty, I think you need to go back over this and edit. There's a lot of things that need to be cleared up and a bunch of little things that need to be changed. I gave you a few of them, but, like I said, I didn't get the chance to cover the rest. My advice is to just sit down and take to time to re-read all of it.
But, now that all the horrible, soul-wrenching criticisms are over with, I can go on and talk about what I did like. Yay!
I think you showed a nice humor throughout this and did a great job in bringing your characters to life. I think this has a great amount of potential and I'm curious to see where it will go from here. Feel free to PM if you have any questions and I'm sorry if this was too harsh ^^;;

-PandaPez




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It's fine. I said I needed some much needed critical review on this particualr book I'm working on. I do need to edit it and I'm in the process of it. Thanks for the advice though!


:)
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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Thanks for the critiques! This will be newly edited soon!
"Hello, is this thing on?"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 709
Reviews 83
Thanks for the critiques! This will be newly edited soon!
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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few spelling mistakes but who in the world cares when you're working with talent such as yourself!
I love this story!!! I love the way you write, I love the way you describe, I love this whole thing!! This is so so so good! [I'm overreacting right about now, take in the complements, reviews will come later when I'm less hyper about this beautiful story] I comented the first chapter too just now. Post another cahpter soon!! don't you dare edit this one!! okay, maybe just all the gigles, what is she giggling about most of the time? And ofcourse, it's your story, so you can edit. I'm just saying it rocks as it is. Write more.
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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It was an excellent second chapter and I'm relieved that this one did not move as fast as the first chapter did but you do need to edit alot. It is been really addicting so far. I too like the way you bring your characters to life but before you post you should do most of the editing if you can. Then I'd suggest posting for more editing and critisism. It is a good story though so keep working at it!
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