Body of Water

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A/N: I'm most interested in the story you, the reader, can construct from these exchanges.

====================================

Hey,

Haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s going on? How was the flight?

Bored, can’t think of anything to do. It’s too dull.

**

It’s cold. Colder than I ever thought it could be, my bones feel paper-thin, wobbling and shaking beneath the onslaught. Loud tones beep and automaton-voices resonate. This place is big and empty.

**

Went to a party the other day, you know, the kind we usually hate and sneer at – with other people and music. Floor was sticky. Grotty. Had a drink – okay, maybe a couple, just enough so the music started sounding good and things began to feel better. Got groped at. Smacked the guy, but he did it again. It felt okay.
It’s funny how strobe lights make everything better, distracting.
Why won’t you answer your phone?

**

My face is a slab of marble. Little flakes keep melting on it, tiny baby tears barely felt. Big shapes roar passed in the whirling white, huffing, snorting, tooting; there are no lights. Only varying shades of grey and black. My hands shake as I try to light the thin cylinder of paper, come on, fuck, just a spark will do.
Just one spark.

**
Saw your mum the other day. She looked sad. Straight out of one of those old black and white movies. Grainy and silent. She was across the street. She saw me but didn’t say hello. You think its paranoia, but it’s not. She’s definitely not a fan. It doesn’t matter anymore though, does it?
It’s all gone to shit.
**

Went to another party filled with sex and drugs and booze.
How’s that make you feel? Are you doing the same over there? Can’t help thinking – dreaming – sometimes, that you’re doing as I’m doing, a sick mirror-parody distorted by distance and neither of us can see the other performing just in front of the other.
Fucked a foreign boy; he couldn’t speak English.


**

It’s all too real, here. The wind stings my cheeks and nose raw, tears tingle on lashes already wet. I sometimes wonder if that other life I led was all a dream, a cardboard construct of bare white offices and sterile halls. No TV screens. Just the elements. My feet crunch in the snow – I leave footprints but they last mere moments in print, forever memories.
It’s a lovely feeling, of being physical, of mattering.
Alone, without consequence. The hills are still waves in the distance. Trivialities try to intrude on my silence, on this ghostly solitude but I won’t let them; won’t plug back into the fucked up mentality. Do you see me, world? I’m passing through, here.
Don’t take notice, I won’t be long.


**

Hey again,
The rentals are getting worried; they try to hide it but they suck at lying. It’s why they’re not good parents. Doesn’t matter in the end, it’s all fun and games, right? Slow down, they say, take it easy. As if this merry-go-round can ever stop. As if there’s a choice anymore. You’d know about that though, wouldn’t you? They’re talking of moving, of people, of you, of bad influences – they don’t realise the problem is inside and there’s only one sickening thought left.
There’s no fucking choice.

**
This place is surrounded by woodland. I left the buildings behind a long time ago, left the rent, the lies. Huge black trees rise up into the sky until I have to squint against the glare of the sun; I can hear them swaying with the wind, all the leaves in full voice, singing in the night, accompanied by the chatter and squeak of small animals and odd bugs…
It’s magical.
The lake is up ahead.

**

We’ve moved.
Not that you give a shit. Would it kill you to respond? What the fuck is with you anyway? You act as though it wasn’t you who did this. Just answer me once, okay?

**

I remember one person, shadowy-figure from the past. They keep haunting my dreams, keep trying to bring details back, drag me down, down, down into the depths. I won’t though. I can’t. The lake’s surface is gelid. It glimmers in the dark. No boundaries in the dark. It can lead from here to anywhere. The bank is thick and brown, swollen with weeds.
Can’t see what moves beneath the surface.
Cities, mountains, whole worlds could be swarming beneath but its skin remains untroubled. I walk down onto the short wooden platform.

**
Can’t stop.
It’s all blurring together. Keep dreaming of darkness that gleams. Wake up, stare out at the lake; only a few dead trees haunt its sides. Feel like its calling, like sometimes there’s someone there inside, waiting. Can’t see them, want to get closer but can’t. It gets misty and cold and inside it’s warm and safe. Want all this to go away, to truly wake up and realise it was all a fucked up nightmare and everything is going to be okay. It isn’t happening and time’s running out. Has run out.
Gonna go down there tomorrow.

**

The water bends beneath my foot, suspends me for a second.
It breaks.

**

You’re not coming back, are you?
Stood at the lake tonight, in the dark. Its burble was the only sign it was there. Mist obscures, crawling ghost hands caressing the surface. Knew what was waiting in the water, knew all it would take was to reach in and make the connection. Couldn’t do it.
Walked away, so sorry, but I walked away.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I looooove this *clicks gold star*
I'm not going to get you about commas, firstly because i didn't really notice any mistakes, secondly because i'm sure someone else will be kind enough to do it if I missed them :p
I love the internal dialogue, it's a sort of new Jamaica Kincaid "Girl"!
It's so evocative of a million things, i also love the play between poetry and prose, the language has a lot of poetry in it even at it's most blunt.
Even thought the story you tell has little or no originality to it (sorry but i had to at least find one con!), you tell it absolutely beautifully.
Your character's extremely vivid, her anger, her yearning, her fear and we can all identify to that.
I also loved the way you used nature as a redeeming grace in her fucked life, as if some things never change, the world endures, do you get what I'm saying!
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my praise and it flattered you because I'm afraid this review can be called constructive :p
PM me next time you write eh?
Love,
Velvet
xx




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Hey there, Velvet,

Cheers for the message. Can I ask what you thought happened? I appreciate praise and criticism both, haha, This is nice, no doubt.

Thanks again.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Hey Jiggy!

So I read this story in one sitting, not basically looking at grammar or any other constructive thing other than content. The character seems hurt and in each section the intensity of her anger and her sorrow heightens. It's like climbing a mountain even, and there is a perfect foothold delved into the sides to make the climb somewhat easy but yet fulfilling.

The story to me was about a girl who lost a boyfriend and is hurt and each section switches from past to present. She tries to move on but then she realizes she can't and that the only choice would be for her to kill herself to stop the pain but at the end, she decides that she can't do it.

I think I might be wrong but this was wonderfully constructed and well-written.

Clicks gold star,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Hi Jiggs! I'm here to help you out and give your story a review.

Well, I have to say that this story confused the heck out of me. The first half especially just seemed to be jumbled and tangled together, and I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. The second half was a bit better, but the most I could make out of that was that someone had followed someone else who had drowned themselves in a lake. It was very confusing, and I think too confusing to keep. You may consider giving us more context.

This was a beautifully written story. Individual sentences jumped out at me quite often. I just think you need to bring them together in a clearer narrative. PM me if you have any questions or wish to yell at me for this. Good job, and good luck.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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No, i disagree with conrad rice,
Having a clear narrative would ruin the evocative poetry of this piece, it's special because we're not quite sure what happened.
Th main character is obviously waiting for someone to come back to her, whether that someone is real or not doesn't really matter, in the end she's just too scared of what it means and abandons her journey.
It's precisely because this story is about nothing and everything at the same time that it's meaningful to everyone of us and that we read something different.
Does that answer your question about what I thought happened?!
xx
Velvet




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Indeed it does, Velvet.

The idea behind this piece was to create a series of exchanges/monologues stripped of detail for ambiguities sake. Partly, it was because I wanted to see how much I could get away with not telling and whether despite that, people would understand what I was trying to put across.

Heather thought something along the lines of Angel's idea; for me, its not about that. Velvet is closer but again, that's just to my understanding of what happened. I wanted to create a narrative that could go in a dozen different directions while implying a central theme/idea. Thanks very much for the comments guys.

I appreciate it.

Jigs
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight