Changes

The uneven breaths making their way out of my chest and the fact that I was quivering wreck was enough to let anyone know I was nervous as I stood my my fists clenched and eyes squeezed shut as I stood in front of the wooden door waiting to be called in, The smell was making me feel sick, That was all I needed, to be more ill than I might be.

“Sara, can you come in please” I heard the muffled voice of my aunty come from inside the room.

I reached out, my hand barely able to grab hold of the door handle and push it open, Inside My aunty also my doctor gave me a huge smile, well that looks good, last time she'd seen me about the constant headaches,Fading sight, Seizures and hallucinations, I'd been experiencing she'd barely been able to look me in the eye, As I made my way to the green chair in the corner I tried to work out what the smile was telling me, That I was fine and I was going to walk out of here with my own smile across my face, Or was she attempting to soften me for the bad news I was going to receive Or was she simply happy to see me.

As she made her way over to sit beside me the smile on her face stayed there but her eyes told a different story, they were full of worry and I thought she might even burst into tears, That could only be bad news.

“Sara I'm so sorry, The results from your CT scan showed that there is a tumour in the front of your brain, this would explain the headaches seizures and hallucinations”

The tears were pouring down my face now as I waited to hear that I was going to die.

“W-w-what about my sight”I could barely speak now “Does the...Tumour have anything to do with that?”

She took a deep breath before continuing, “The tumour seems to be pressing on your optic nerve this should explain your sight loss”

I stood up to walk round the room, I needed to stretch my legs before I froze completely.

“Will this mean I need surgery to remove the tumour?”

“Yes...” She was hesitating to say the next part, I think I subconsciously knew what she was about to say but I pressed her to continue anyway.

“There is a chance that the tumour could be cancerous, we'll need further testing to find out though” That was it this was all I could take, I tried to speak.

“Oh” Was all I managed before everything went black and I felt the floor rushing towards me.

Hi Evie! Welcome to Young Writers Society! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you now.

Before I begin, I'd like to let you know that YWS has a 2:1 review policy; for every one piece you post here, you should complete two reviews prior to posting, dear. Please write two reviews on literature of your choice, and you'll be all set.


Now, I'm going to review your story, making corrections to any spelling and grammar slips you may have made, adding suggestions, and giving you my overall feedback. Let's begin:

The uneven breaths making their way out of my chest and the fact that I was quivering wreck was enough to let anyone know I was nervous as I stood my my fists clenched and eyes squeezed shut as I stood in front of the wooden door waiting to be called in, The smell was making me feel sick, That was all I needed, to be more ill than I might be.

This is quite an interesting beginning, dear! It's letting us know how this character is feeling as soon as you start without "dumping" the information on us.

However, this is written in a run-on sentence, and you have some irregular capitals (capital letters that are not necessary; ie: capital letters in the middle of your sentences) here.

I struck out the words, and replaced them with capitals here:

The uneven breaths making their way out of my chest and the fact that I was a quivering wreck was enough to let anyone know I was nervous as I stood with [s]my[/s] my fists clenched and eyes squeezed shut. [s]as[/s] I stood in front of the wooden door waiting to be called in[s],[/s]. The smell was making me feel sick[s],[/s] ; [s]That[/s] that was all I needed, to be more ill than I might be.

Also, the repetition of "stood" so close together is kind of a slight "throwoff"; using it makes it sound as if you are referring back to something, when instead, you should be progressing the story forward, dear.

“Sara, can you come in please?” I heard the muffled voice of my aunty come from inside the room.

Don't forget to add your punctuation inside of the quotation marks, dear!

I reached out, my hand barely able to grab hold of the door handle and pushed it open[s],[/s]. Inside, [s]My[/s] my aunty, also my doctor, gave me a huge smile[s],[/s].
[Line break inserted here

[s]well[/s] Well that [s]looks[/s] looked good[s],[/s] . Last time she'd seen me about the [s]constant headaches,Fading sight, Seizures[/s] constant headaches, fading sight, seizures, and hallucinations I'd been experiencing, she'd barely been able to look me in the eye[s],[/s]. [s]As[/s] I made my way to the green chair in the corner, [s]I[/s] and tried to work out what the smile was telling me[s],[/s]. It was either [s]That[/s] that I was fine and I was going to walk out of here with my own smile across my face, [s]Or[/s] or [s]was she[/s] she was attempting to soften me for the bad news I was going to receive. Or [s]was she[/s] maybe she was simply happy to see me.

Be sure to use proper punctuation throughout your paragraphs, dear, as well as proper spacing.

As she made her way over to sit beside me, the smile on her face stayed [s]there[/s], but her eyes told a different story[s],[/s]; they were full of worry and I thought she might even burst into tears[s],[/s]; a sign [s]That[/s] could only [s]be[/s] mean bad news.

“Sara, I'm so sorry[s],[/s]. The results from your CT scan showed that there is a tumour in the front of your brain, this would explain the headaches seizures and hallucinations.”

Be careful not to overuse words and phrases, dear. Too much "As she" can become a problem throughout your writing, dear.

The tears were pouring down my face now as I waited to hear that I was going to die.

“W-w-what about my [s]sight”I[/s] sight?" I could barely speak now, “Does the... [s]Tumour[/s] tumour have anything to do with that?”

She took a deep breath before continuing, “The tumour seems to be pressing on your optic nerve; this should explain your sight loss.”

I stood up to walk round the room, I needed to stretch my legs before I froze completely.

“Will this mean I need surgery to remove the tumour?”

“Yes...” She was [s]hesitating[/s] hesitant to say the next part[s],[/s]. I think I subconsciously knew what she was about to say, but I pressed her to continue anyway.

Hesitating in that line should be hesitant, dear.

“There is a chance that the tumour could be cancerous, we'll need further testing to find out though.” That was it this was all I could take, I tried to speak.

“Oh,” [s]Was[/s] was all I managed before everything went black and I felt the floor rushing towards me.

I think that you need to reword the underlined sentence to be a little clearer for the audience, dear. Perhaps a rewording such as this could work:

I couldn't take anymore; I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't form themselves.


- * -

Now, let's see:

I think...

• that you can add a bit of emotion to this, dear. Throw some more feelings into this; for instance, describe how the aunt hesitated. Does she close her eyes to blink back tears, or does she swallow hard?

• that your details can be clarified. For instance, when the tears are pouring down Sara's face, you say that they are "pouring down my face now". As the audience, we expect "now" or words like now to be used after some indication of the subject is introduced already. For instance, if she feels the tears stinging the back of her eyes before this, and then they pour down her face, we can relate more to this event.

• that you can liven your description. In some places, it felt a little empty. I know/understand that this is just the beginning dear, but, in a situation like this, how would you react? When told what is wrong with me, I'm in a state of shock, and if I cry, my family members comfort me. In some cases, the doctor will comfort the patient, too, and in this case, there's a doctor and an aunt wrapped up in one person. Bring on the family support!

• that the setting and pace here was perfect.

You can improve by...

• paying attention to your punctuation. It's okay to vary the length of your sentences; don't be afraid to use short sentences and long sentences spontaneously. Fragments are acceptable sometimes, too. Be sure that you're not boring your audience with one line length, dear.

• paying attention to your repetition. A lot of times, you will find that a critical audience doesn't like to see repetition in a story. Words that you cannot avoid describing (like and, do, can, can't, won't, will, some) are fine to repeat over and over.

But critical phrases, such as unique and new phrases, shouldn't be repeated. Just remember to keep an eye on that.


I liked...

• the tone that was set here; you can really get a feel of the atmosphere through this piece. I would like to have seen something that made this a little bit more "doctor-like", but I think you did a great job.

• the subtle similarity; in the way that you have Sara and her Aunt speak, we can see that they're related. Something about the little bit of dialogue they exchange, and the thoughts of Sara's that we can see is subtly similar.

• the way the news came; I think you did a great job with that. A doctor might have used "bigger" terms, but that fact that this is her aunt is giving it a different touch; her aunt most likely understands Sara, so she probably doesn't want to waste time using words that Sara is unable to understand.


* - * -

I would like to see you continue this, Evie! I think you're off to a good start.

This reminds me of the story I wrote for NaNoWriMo last year. Kind of motivated me to go revise it, too.

Overall, I think that you have got a starter here, dear! If you have any questions, or if you're unclear about something I mentioned, feel free to PM me.

Welcome to YWS!

June

Hey, this reminds me of a story I'm writing. Except with a different illness. You've inspired me to work on that after I review this...

Anyways, I enjoyed your story. I think June covered all the grammatical issues so I won't go into grammar. I just think you could add more emotion like you did in the first paragraph, which was excellent. I think more emotion is needed when Sara was told about the brain tumor. Like how her world was crashing and burning or something. With a little more detail and emotion, I think you're set.

Good luck! I hope to see more soon.