The Sonnet

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The Sonnet

CHAPTER 1

Jack of Canterbury hastily began sweeping away the crumbs that remained on his mother's kitchen table. He was always patient, but somehow the newly baked batch of hazelnut cookies drizzled in dark chocolate had gotten the better of him. As he wiped, what remained of the evidence, a tall man entered the dimly lit kitchen and proceeded to walk past Jack on his way to to retrieve a glass of cold tap water.

"Wrahh," he murmured to himself after spitting it out moments after. "When's the last time we had the pipes checked?"

"I don't know," Jack answered truthfully, "we've never had any previous problems with the water supply."

"It wasn't the water," his brother answered, wiping away the droplets that had beaded his chin. He then turned on the tap again and procured a new glass filled with water for Jack. "Here, have some."

Curiously Jack took the glass, observing his brother quickly place the palm which had held the glass moments before into his black long-sleeved shirt pocket. After drinking the water from the glass, which to which Jack tasted a bit off but still manageable, he collapsed.

"Help, oh help!" screamed Daniel, quickly putting the empty glass into the sink besides his.

A man with a huge grey beard entered the room and stared at the body before kneeling down. "What happened here son?" he asked as, weeping as his wife emerged and wiped away his tears, only to be carried away by those of her own.

"Mark my words," he swore, "we shall not rest, lest Jack's mysterious death, be put be sent to heaven for inquest."

"You there!" he bellowed to Daniel, "what saw you, a time an eye ago, before were graced with this most unwelcome event, upon which me and wife now vent."

"My good father," answered Daniel politely, "Jack of Canterbury..."

"Do not call him of title, for he is your brother," shouted Ogen as he rose to his feet, followed by his wife, or at least he was."

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, a most unrighteous deed, before you came," responded Daniel, eyes blurred with tears of his own. "Not ten minutes ago, I came for some water, where not but who should I see, but my good brother."

"And what did you do," asked Mona curiously.

"Why I laid a deception, in which I poisoned him while his eyes were distracted." Finished Daniel, whose face was now red.

Ogen walked closer towards his son, "why you little..."

"Let him be!" shouted his mother, "for banishment is a better cause for his repenting, most contracted, upon an hour as this, most consuming of emotion, I beg thee kind husband, let not stir another commotion."

As his mother fell back down to her knees, Daniel ran out of the kitchen and out the front door grabbing his jacket before he shut the door.

"Oh poor Jack," said Ogen, voice now kinder.

"Me oh my, let me never be blinder, as to fall for a deception so great as to let another stride in again, from the long a tedious origin, of he who was from the city of Kings." How could I have foreseen an event most foul to happen, but without notice...

The pen suddenly ran out ink. Derrick fumed at his lack of preparation. "Blasted quill," he mumbled to himself as he moved to the end of his bed. "Out there, on the streets, I see peasants, I see noblemen, but I do not yet see my play...."

Two knocks proceeded to come from his door. Standing up, Derrick grabbed his brown leather doublet and fastened it snugly before he opened the door.

"Oh good gracious!" he shouted with enthusiasm, "oh happy days! How are you Marcos."

The blonde-haired man smiled back and proceeded to enter Derrick's bedroom when he was signaled to. "Aye, I am fine Derrick, how are the plays coming along?"

"Plays?" Derrick repeated.

"Aye, That is, if you are still considering creating plays to earn your living, and before I forget here is a little present for yourself," Marcos removed from his navy-blue vest a small bag.

"Oh you mock me!" Exclaimed Derrick suddenly, as he accepted the small pouch and signaled for Marcos to sit on his bed. "Look outside Marcos," he said pointing to an elderly man standing on the street below with his hands cupped, as he begged for change. "Watch, and learn, for visuals are a thousand times more crucial for learning to be achieved if one wishes to accept the knowledge to be gained." He then took the pouch and turned it upside down. The coins fell and one at a time, landed in the man's hand.

"Quickly now!" whispered Derrick as he pushed Marcos back from the window. Outside, the man stared up at the empty sky above, with no identity of the person who had assured his family another meal for at least one more day.

"Have you gone mad!" yelled Marcos, as he got to his feet and pointed out the window. "That man is a bum, the utmost scum of the earth!"

"I do beseech thee to shut up," said Derrick throwing a pair of women's stockings at Marco's face. "For your information, that man recently lost one of his sons to death; and both if you count the fact that it was the other who killed him. Here," Derrick slid the pieces of parchment forward, to Marco's interest, "here's the play I've wrote about it."

"What is it called?" Marcos asked, reading the messy, but untitled document.

"I don't know," answered Derrick, "I think I'll call The Tragedy of A Father."

"Now I know you're mad!" replied Marcos, as he continued to vent. "The Tragedy of A Father," he repeated, "if you are to write a play, give it a proper title."

"What do you suggest?" said Derrick staring up.

Marcos could feel Derrick's piercing, hazel-eyes. He hated that about him, for his friend always had that look that soon led to the observer emptying his mind in a duration lasting no more than an entire hour. "I suggest naming it, The King" he said, trying to keep his answers short and to the point.

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Last edited by EliteHusky on Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello!

"I don't know," Jack answered truthfully, "we've never had any previous problems with the water supply.(end quotation marks)


droplets [s]the[/s] that had beaded his chin


He then turned on the tap again and procured a new glass filled with water for Jack. "Here(comma) have some."


Curiously Jack took the glass, observing his brother quickly place the palm which had held the glass moments before into his black long-sleeved shirt pocket.

The italicised bit is long and could be reworded so it reads more smoothly, like observing his brother quickly put his hand into his black... or something.

After drinking the water from the glass, [s]to[/s] which to Jack [s]observed[/s] tasted a bit off but still manageable, he [s]then[/s] collapsed.

The 'then' is unnecessary since you have 'after', and it's very obvious that he collapses after. Also, if you say 'to which Jack observed' it seems like you're saying that the water observed Jack, which is not right, and also, you don't need 'observed' and it was just used so I think it should be taken out!

"Help, oh help!" S(lowercase s)creamed Daniel

Daniel is...his brother, the tall man, I assume? You may want to clarify this beforehand, like Jack could say, "I don't know, Daniel" or something. But so we don't have to pause and remember who Daniel is. Since you refer to him first as the tall man, then the brother, then Daniel, it's a bit confusing to remember that it's all the same person.

kneeling down.(space)"What happened here(comma) son(question mark)" he wept,


, as his wife emerged and wiped away his tears, only to be carried away by those of her own.

This whole bit is odd. First, he can't be crying and talking at the same time as his wife is wiping his tears away, and second, it's too long. I would suggest a full stop after wept and then beginning a new sentence with, His wife emerged and...

"we shall not rest, lest Jack's mysterious death, [s]be put[/s] be sent to heaven for inquest."

Okay, he speaks in poems; that's so cool! Except what? What does he mean? First of all a death isn't what's sent to heaven, it's the body, and secondly, to heaven for inquest? Maybe before inquest, as in, before they could figure out what happened to him?

(begin quotation marks)or at least he was."


before you came(comma)" (lowercase r)esponded Daniel


distracted(comma)" (lowercase f)inished Daniel,


Standing up(comma) Derrick grabbed his brown leather doublet and fastened it snugly before he opened the door.


"Aye, (lowercase t)hat is, if you are still considering creating plays to earn your living, and before I forget here is a little present for yourself(period)" Marcos removed from his navy-blue vest a small bag.


"Oh(comma) you mock me!" (lowercase e)xclaimed Derrick [s]suddenly,[/s] as he accepted the [s]small[/s] pouch

I don't think it's sudden; it's logical, he gets a present and then says something about it. You don't always need adverbs, it's okay to write simply he said (or whatever). And, you've already said it was small.

"Watch, and learn, for visuals are a thousand times more crucial for learning to be achieved if one wishes to accept the knowledge to be gained.(end quotation marks)


The coins fell and(comma) one at a time, landed in the man's hand.

Clarify who the man is now, because it could also be Marcos or Derrick.

"Quickly now!" (lowercase w)hispered Derrick as he pushed Marcos back from the window.


Outside(comma) the man stared up(no comma) at the empty sky [s]above[/s] with no identity of the person who had assured his family another meal for at least one more day.


"Have you gone mad!" (lowercase y)elled Marcos, as he got to his feet and pointed out the window.

Seems like a bit of an overreaction. Not a criticism, just a comment.

"I do beseech thee to shout up (do you mean shut up?)," said Derrick(comma) throwing a pair of woman's stockings at Marco's face. "For your information, that man recently lost one of his sons to death; (I think a semicolon would work better here than 'and') both if you count the fact that it was the other who killed him. Here," Derrick slid the pieces of parchment forward [s]to Marco's interest[/s], "here's the play I've written about it."

FYI doesn't seem like a particularly Old English phrase.

"Now I know you're mad!" (r)eplied Marcos(period)


Marcos could feel Derrick's piercing, hazel(no hyphen)eyes.


"I suggest naming it(no comma) The King" he said, trying to keep his answer (singular; only one answer) short and to the point.


Okay! My, that was long. Obviously, your main problem here is grammar; you really, really, really need to proofread, double-check, triple-check and check again because I caught a lot of easy mistakes, like the capital letters or the quotation marks.

The beginning. I think, for being not a main part of your story, the beginning was too long. Also, I'm wondering why it wasn't in script form, if it was a play.

The whole piece reads like a parody, so if that's how you meant it, well done. If not, then it needs some serious work. It definitely has potential; you have a wonderful idea here, but you do need to revise.

Thanks for the read, and good luck.
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano



As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda