Shadows

My father once told that when the king weakens, the nobles start playing violent games. His words returned to haunt me last night. They left me sleepless and bothered me until daylight.

But why did they return? Maybe because the king was sick and bedridden – weak. Then again, maybe not.

I shut my eyes and listened to the rush of water. Sitting by the bank of the River Elon always made me feel better. Today was no different.

“Lexa, you’ll get sick if you stay out in this cold weather.”

I got up and brushed the snow from my clothes. I would know my father’s voice anywhere. I greeted him with open arms and a big smile.

“I missed you, Dad.” I gave him a quick embrace. “So what did you learn from visiting the palace?”

“The king’s sickness is terminal.” His grin was foolish and nonsensical.

“That’s terrible.” I bit my lip and thought of the crown prince, Victor.

“Terrible? Oh yes, terrible.” My father’s eyes shone bright and he didn’t sound the least bit bothered.

“But do you understand what this means, Lexa? The nobles are free to play.” He looked like a young boy who received a new toy.

My smile faltered. “Laws exist for a reason, Dad. They rein us in no matter how sick the king is. We don’t have complete freedom. No one does.”

“Laws are only a blatant display of the king’s power. Without a king, there are no laws whatsoever.”

“Dad, there’s still Victor.”

“Hm? Victor? He won’t be a bother. Come now, let’s go. We have to tell your mother the good news.” He led me to the carriage and chattered on about the throne.

Good news?

“Do you believe Victor would relinquish the throne without a fight? Don’t you think he’ll want to keep the crown for himself?”

“Victor won’t last as long as Ares; we nobles are here for a reason. We keep the bad ones off the throne, so we can’t allow him to remain in power for too long. He is far too weak, too much like his father, but not half as likeable. No doubt he’ll be overthrown.”

“Well, I for one believe in Victor.” I answered. Victor was not someone I liked but he still needed someone to defend him, even if the person did so half-heartedly.

My father studied me. He sighed and leaned back, keeping quiet. Perhaps politics was an interesting topic to breach with my father, but to me it was full of nothing but drama and trouble.

--
I just want a critique on it. Oh, and could you answer some questions while fixing whatever needs to be fixed?

Here they are:

1.) Would you read on?
2.) Does the voice sound authentic?
3.) Does it grab your interest?

Thank you for reading! ^^
A

Yes, on all three. You have great descriptions and your prose really flows. The one suggestion I would make is that you beef up your descriptions. You've got some pretty great stuff in there, so you should show off some more.
You also have a lot of good dialog in there, but I really think you should try and link it with some of your description. For example:

“I missed you, Dad.” I gave him a quick embrace. “So what did you learn from visiting the palace?”

“The king’s sickness is terminal.” His grin was foolish and nonsensical.

Would probably sound better if you linked up your dialog and description. Like:

"I missed you, Dad," I said, giving him a quick embrace. "So what did you learn from visiting the palace?"

"The king's sickness is terminal," he said, with a foolish and nonsensical grin.

That way, it sounds more flowy than it does in the first case. In the first case it's kinda like you just plopped some descriptions in between your dialog. Next time you read any kind of fiction, you should look at how the author does that sort of thing. It'll help make your writing flow better and it also helps with formatting.

Definitely one to keep reading! =)

Hi! I'm JC and I'm going to be your reviewer for today.^^

My father once told that when the king weakens, the nobles start playing violent games. His words returned to haunt me last night. They left me sleepless and bothered me until daylight.

But why did they return? Maybe because the king was sick and bedridden--weak. Then again, maybe not.

I shut my eyes and listened to the rush of water. Sitting by the bank of the River Elon always made me feel better. Today was no different.

"Lexa, you'll get sick if you stay out in this cold weather."

I got up and brushed the snow from my clothes. I would know my father's voice anywhere. I greeted him with open arms and a big smile.

Atmosphere - I'm having trouble picturing this whole thing. Atmosphere is probably the first thing you need to establish in a story. This includes setting and tone. After the third sentence, I pictured that the MC is in bed, staring at the ceiling with words of her father haunting her. ?

As I kept reading on, I realized that I was wrong. She's sitting by a river and there's snow on the ground. (This reminds me, if there's snow on the ground, its unlikely that she can hear the rush of water because it would be frozen or atleast nearly frozen.)

To be honest, if you start the story with "I shut my eyes..." I think it would be better. ? Just an opinion, do what you want.

"I missed you, Dad." I gave him a quick embrace. "So what did you learn from visiting the palace?"

"The king's sickness is terminal." His grin was foolish and nonsensical.

"That's terrible." I bit my lip and thought of the crown prince, Victor.

"Terrible? Oh yes, terrible." My father's eyes shone bright and he didn't sound the least bit bothered.

"But do you understand what this means, Lexa? The nobles are free to play." He looked like a young boy who received a new toy.

My smile faltered. "Laws exist for a reason, Dad. They rein us in no matter how sick the king is. We don't have complete freedom. No one does."

"Laws are only a blatant display of the king's power. Without a king, there are no laws whatsoever."

Ok, its pretty obvious the dad is a nut head. You said you wanted to know about the voices of your characters... I can almost hear the girl but how old is she? Right now, I'm figuring 19 or so. Is that correct? I give that estimate especially because of her last line in the quote above. (This reminds me to add: You can get rid of the name tags at the ends of some of the dialogue. We already know that its Lexa and "Dad" talking.) I get the sense that Lexa is "more mature" than Dad as she tells her point of view on something I would more expect a "Dad" to be telling his daughter. Hence, I made Lexa a young adult.

Dad's voice: This needs a lot more work. I couldn't hear Dad at all in my head. Maybe because of his mixed role as a child? I'm not sure if I can give you any concrete advice here.

POV You use 1st person in this story. Take advantage of it. I want to feel Lexa's aggravation over her father and King. I want to hear every single thought going through her head. Every single smell. Touch. Taste. Sound. Senses are important in stories especially ones in first person.

Atmosphere Now that I've read this again, I'm going back to atmosphere. Its a pretty broad term but here I'm using it to mean "background." It took me years to find out that Lexa's family are nobles. I think your reader should know that much sooner. Also, what time period? I totally forgot I'm in fantasy fiction since I usually stay in Other but um, where's the fantasy elements?? Sounds medieval to me.

Characters in General : I'm going to focus on Lexa. Work is needed here as well. Somehow in here, you're going to have to reveal some information. Lexa's age? Lexa's history? What she looks like? (I know its in 1st person but still) Lexa, Lexa, Lexa. I want to atleast the basics right off the bat. Not everything of course. We don't want to spoil the fun of a good mystery, eh? But some.

Overall: Lots of potential, dear. If you work on the things I pointed out, I would like to keep reading.

Great job and keep writing!

JC

Thanks for your opinions! ^^

thefireinmeisJC wrote:Hi! I'm JC and I'm going to be your reviewer for today.^^

My father once told that when the king weakens, the nobles start playing violent games. His words returned to haunt me last night. They left me sleepless and bothered me until daylight.

But why did they return? Maybe because the king was sick and bedridden--weak. Then again, maybe not.

I shut my eyes and listened to the rush of water. Sitting by the bank of the River Elon always made me feel better. Today was no different.

"Lexa, you'll get sick if you stay out in this cold weather."

I got up and brushed the snow from my clothes. I would know my father's voice anywhere. I greeted him with open arms and a big smile.

Atmosphere - I'm having trouble picturing this whole thing. Atmosphere is probably the first thing you need to establish in a story. This includes setting and tone. After the third sentence, I pictured that the MC is in bed, staring at the ceiling with words of her father haunting her. ?

As I kept reading on, I realized that I was wrong. She's sitting by a river and there's snow on the ground. (This reminds me, if there's snow on the ground, its unlikely that she can hear the rush of water because it would be frozen or atleast nearly frozen.)

To be honest, if you start the story with "I shut my eyes..." I think it would be better. ? Just an opinion, do what you want.

"I missed you, Dad." I gave him a quick embrace. "So what did you learn from visiting the palace?"

"The king's sickness is terminal." His grin was foolish and nonsensical.

"That's terrible." I bit my lip and thought of the crown prince, Victor.

"Terrible? Oh yes, terrible." My father's eyes shone bright and he didn't sound the least bit bothered.

"But do you understand what this means, Lexa? The nobles are free to play." He looked like a young boy who received a new toy.

My smile faltered. "Laws exist for a reason, Dad. They rein us in no matter how sick the king is. We don't have complete freedom. No one does."

"Laws are only a blatant display of the king's power. Without a king, there are no laws whatsoever."

Ok, its pretty obvious the dad is a nut head. You said you wanted to know about the voices of your characters... I can almost hear the girl but how old is she? Right now, I'm figuring 19 or so. Is that correct? I give that estimate especially because of her last line in the quote above. (This reminds me to add: You can get rid of the name tags at the ends of some of the dialogue. We already know that its Lexa and "Dad" talking.) I get the sense that Lexa is "more mature" than Dad as she tells her point of view on something I would more expect a "Dad" to be telling his daughter. Hence, I made Lexa a young adult.

Dad's voice: This needs a lot more work. I couldn't hear Dad at all in my head. Maybe because of his mixed role as a child? I'm not sure if I can give you any concrete advice here.

POV You use 1st person in this story. Take advantage of it. I want to feel Lexa's aggravation over her father and King. I want to hear every single thought going through her head. Every single smell. Touch. Taste. Sound. Senses are important in stories especially ones in first person.

Atmosphere Now that I've read this again, I'm going back to atmosphere. Its a pretty broad term but here I'm using it to mean "background." It took me years to find out that Lexa's family are nobles. I think your reader should know that much sooner. Also, what time period? I totally forgot I'm in fantasy fiction since I usually stay in Other but um, where's the fantasy elements?? Sounds medieval to me.

Characters in General : I'm going to focus on Lexa. Work is needed here as well. Somehow in here, you're going to have to reveal some information. Lexa's age? Lexa's history? What she looks like? (I know its in 1st person but still) Lexa, Lexa, Lexa. I want to atleast the basics right off the bat. Not everything of course. We don't want to spoil the fun of a good mystery, eh? But some.

Overall: Lots of potential, dear. If you work on the things I pointed out, I would like to keep reading.

Great job and keep writing!

JC

Her dad IS sort of childish, in a happy-go-lucky way. The fantasy element of the story starts a bit further on, but this is sort of the beginning.

And how did you know Lexa was 19? 0.0

Thanks. I'm going to go add more description now.

Hmm, I like it! I would definetely want to read on. You have some good dialogue, but it feels like there's too much emphasis on that. It's almost like you focus on what they're saying too much and neglect the other parts of the story, like description. Also, it left me with some questions, like:

What time period is this supposed to be taking place If there's kings and they ride in carriages, I'd assume that this would be taking place a couple hundred years ago, or maybe farther back. If it's medieval, would a girl really be talking back to and arguing with her father?

Also, you should add some more description, especially for the setting and characters. What does Lexa and her dad look like? You never actually give any real description for either of them, except for her father's "nonsensical smile". I really can't imagine them at all.

I would also like some more insight into Lexa. Does she get annoyed by her father? Why is she so worried about the king? Why does she care if her father breaks a couple laws?

And you might want to add some more information about Victor. Why do they think he's weak? Is it because he's young, or for another reason? And why does Lexa feel the need to defend him, since she doesn't even like him in the first place?

Overall, I like it!