I Am Ready to Perform

I sat on the bench outside the principal’s office. I had already waited for twenty minutes for him to call me in. Apparently, the principal thought that my attitude problem could wait – my teacher did not.

“Dear, the essay was due today,” she had said, pointedly slowing her words.

“Do you think I care?” I had replied.

She was taken aback, but continued. “Why did you not write the essay?” She then raised her voice so the rest of the class could hear. “Is there something going on at home?”

“Yes, I bully my parents into giving me five dollars every week.” Ms. Feist did not find my clever remark entertaining. I have diagnosed her to have a lack of humour.

She was not deterred, and persisted. “Dear, did you forget to do the essay? You should have been—” she paused for dramatic effect, “—responsible.”

I hate patronizing people. “I’ll be responsible when you realize that essays waste paper and kill trees. That intensifies global warming, and despite your beliefs expressed in yesterday’s seminar, it is real. Then we will all die when the elephants take over to save the environment. Furthermore, I do not think that you want ‘died of wounds inflicted by a paper cut,’ written on your tombstone.” She then demanded that I go to the principal’s office.

And here I am, waiting for the principle to call me in so that we can discuss my attitude problem. I wonder what will happen. I am a great actor, and situational improvisation is my forte. I shall make a long speech about why I am the real victim in this situation, climaxing in a fit of indecipherable shrieks.

I can imagine myself towering over the principal as he cowers in the corner, telling him of how Ms. Feist has emotionally abused me since the beginning of the year. If he gives me detention or suspends me, I will call my lawyer, and sue the school for psychological damages.

If he is in a bad mood and begins to yell at me, then I will dramatically break into tears. I will make up a lie about my parents getting a divorce, my best friend moving away, or that I didn’t make the soccer team.

I begin to laugh to myself as I formulate more clever plans. I’ve already written the script in my mind, and I am ready to perform.

The door opens, and the principal, a stocky bald man, ushers me into his office. I crack my knuckles as I walk in. This will be fun.

Avorpianikness, You seriously had me laughing with this piece. I've decided that the idea warrants a gold star.

Let's take a look at some of the things we can work on here.

Firstly, tense. You have switched tense in this piece from past to present. I think that this transition was fairly smooth, but I don't think it was necessary. You could write the first sentence in present tense without compromising anything of the story. The tense for the flashback would then be the only other tense, and I think this would read a little smoother if you did not begin it in the past tense.

Apparently, the principal thought that my attitude problem could wait – my teacher did not.

I can't help but think that this would read better like this: "Apparantly, although the teacher seemed concerned that my attitude problem needed to be dealt with promptly, my principle did not share that sentiment."

I have diagnosed her to have a lack of humour.

This doesn't read too smoothly. If you are going to use the word diagnosed, you will need to be a little more elegant. How about, "I have diagnosed her problem as the lack of a sense of humour; a disease that seems to prominent amongst many teachers."

She was not deterred, and persisted. “Dear, did you forget to do the essay? You should have been—” she paused for dramatic effect, “—responsible.”

I love this bit!

Furthermore, I do not think that you want ‘died of wounds inflicted by a paper cut,’ written on your tombstone.

Perhaps it's just me, but I think this is a little overdone. I would nix it.

If he gives me detention or suspends me, I will call my lawyer, and sue the school for psychological damages.

Now you're not sounding cheeky, you're sounding psycho. You would likely lose, and you should know that if you're so clever. I think this needs a lot of work.

Overall, I think you've done a marvelous job on the piece. You've given us a piece of this guy's mind. It's pretty funny, and needs only marginal improvement.

Thanks for the great read!

Hello!

I sit on the bench outside the principal’s office. I have already waited for twenty minutes for him to call me in. Apparently, the principal thinks that my attitude problem can wait – my teacher did not.

Since the bit after the flashback is in present tense, this should be too.

Okay! This is an amusing little piece, and I have to say intriguing. It's a normal enough event; student doesn't do homework, talks back, gets sent to the principal's office. It's the narrator that makes it so interesting, I think. They have such a patronizing, uncaring attitude - it actually does the opposite of what the character wants me to do and makes me wonder what is going on. Why didn't they do the essay, why did they talk back, when it would be infinitely easier to do it/stay silent? One of the strengths of this character is that their reactions are so exaggerated...it definitely gives me a clear image of them.

Anyway, kudos on writing a short piece that made me think so much. You could do a lot with this, even if you made it a character study and then did more with the narrator, but I always hate it when people tell me to continue my short stories, so I won't push it.

The only thing that bothered me was Ms. Feist. Just the fact that you named her; the principal has no name, not even your MC. And she's certainly not more important than the MC. So I'd have preferred her unnamed.

Thanks for the read.
-Mars