Dialogue

Dialogue

-life is pain, pain is life.
-but it can be better.
-still with 2 edges knife.
-write him a peaceful letter

-life is weak, weak is life.
-you are life, are you weak?
-in me strength is rife.
-so don't hide, go and seek!

-life is bitter, bitter is life.
-if it aint, you couldn't taste the sweetness.
-but, it is bitter.
-it's half sweet.

-life's a killer, life's a killer.
-you can trick him.
-but I'm not a killer.
-yes, you are not.

-life will end, life will end.
-yes, blood, it rains.
-from a touch of hand.
-but the memory still remains...

Why did you quote your own work? If you were bumping, just be patient. It can take some time to get a review, and December 25 is the slowest day of the year due to Christmas so that means it takes even longer to get a review.

Anyhow, the second and third stanzas seem unnecessary. They don't really add anything to the poem and each line within them is redundant. The fourth line of the second stanza is especially weird; referencing hide and seek in a dark poem as you did made an abrupt change to happiness that didn't fit and probably wasn't intended.

The repetition in the first line of each stanza, didn't work out. If you did it just for the first line of the first stanza, that may work. But by doing it for each first line, it just became jarring. That is, instead of concentrating on the content, I found myself thinking, "Ugh, not that again."

The fourth line of the fourth stanza was also odd, and it feels like it was added in just to make that stanza four lines long. I'd just get rid of it; no sense in sticking to a rigid structure if it's not working out.

Overall, it needs work. You wrote in your description that this was an experimental poem, so keep experimenting with moving things around. Personally, I'd remove the second and third stanzas, collapse the remaining three stanzas into one stanza, get rid of the first lines except for the first stanza, take out the fourth line of the fourth stanza, and remove the yes from -yes, blood, it rains.

Best of luck.

Accidentally.. I was trying to edit it so i quote it... lol

[quote="Nate"]
The fourth line of the fourth stanza was also odd, and it feels like it was added in just to make that stanza four lines long. I'd just get rid of it; no sense in sticking to a rigid structure if it's not working out.

quote]


That was another experiment with words. I tried to make a positive sentence of "positive negation" . I didn't even hope that this will work... I'll change it...

If I wanted to review this, should I review your original post or your second post? Um. I'll do second.

-life is pain, pain is life.
-but it can be better.
-still with 2 edges knife.
-write him a peaceful letter

• I don't understand the third line... I just don't. Did you mean with a two (numbers one through ten should be written out,) edged knife?
• If you did mean, "Still with a two edged knife, write him a peaceful letter," I would get rid of "still." because one, it messes with the iambic pentameter which is, so far, pretty much in check, and "still" doesn't fit with what you were saying before, and what you were saying after.

-life is weak, weak is life.
-you are life, are you weak?
-in me strength is rife.
-so don't hide, go and seek!

• Oh. This entire stanza is completely choppy. If you could even out your syllables so that each line has, give or take one, the same amount of syllables, than it would run a lot smoother.

-life is bitter, bitter is life.
-if it aint, you couldn't taste the sweetness.
-but, it is bitter.
-it's half sweet.

• I don't understand how it is half sweet if you implied before, it is bitter.

-life's a killer, life's a killer.
-you can trick him.
-but I'm not a killer.
-yes, you are not.

• What? I didn't understand this entire stanza. I got that life's a killer, but then you go into how you can trick him, being life? And then you randomly pop up with "I'm not a killer," and then you surface with "Yes, you are not." That doesn't make any sense.

---

Interesting poem. It sounded quite down beat and dark. It wasn't, however, hardcore enough to be considered morbid. Or maybe my perspective of morbidity is too muddled.

This poem could be turned into a song. The last stanza, I like the beginning idea, could be reformed into a chorus and the rest would just fall in. It would make a good song, I think.

Please though, could you clean it up a bit? It gets really confusing and uneven throughout. I hope my input has been helpful, for the overall sake of this poem that could be made into a song.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody