Talking of Michelangelo

Talking of Michelangelo
word 22; down

The hall was decorated like a successful upscale whorehouse. Its ivory walls were spotted with banal paintings of faces and wildflowers, velvet streamers hung from the ceiling, and a plethora of shelves were cluttered with trinkets: a statuette of an angel, a gold cologne bottle, a china tea set, stones engraved with proverbs, a model of an African pygmy hedgehog from a safari in Zaire, a porcelain doll with very red cheeks and a kilt, a large black and gold clock without numbers, insects trapped in amber, and an art book containing the complete works of Raphael Santi.

A couple admired the pictures. "Darling, look at that grotesque painting. I quite think we should have one like it."

The host stood upon a small stage and cleared his throat. The crowd of guests fell silent. "My friends," he began, "I am delighted you are with me today. As we celebrate my sixtieth birthday, I am so sure that we will still be great friends this time next year...I remember when I first started at the university. I was an overeager graduate student...of course this was back before..." The guests were getting fidgety. One woman could not stop adjusting her gown. Another whispered to her husband about the new wall treatments, just in from Milan and the latest fashion. "...we've come a long way. Now, if you will accompany me upstairs, there is a wonderful feast prepared."

Everyone crowded up the ornate spiral staircase. In the shuffle, no one noticed the small girl who was shoved aside and hit her head on the iron banister. She fell through the bars onto the floor, where she lay quite still. When the news got out, the socialites said to each other:

"Have you heard about the girl from the party last night?"

"Yes; I was there."

"Really, were you? How awful."

"Can't think how it must be for the parents."

"Awful thing. Just awful."

"Poor girl. Poor little girl."

The funeral was held at ten o'clock on the Thursday of the next week. It was nice and calm, so they gathered outside and offered condolences to the grieving parents. There were quiches and fresh fruit on a table. Sunshine filtered down through the clouds, and everyone agreed that if not for the unfortunate circumstances, it would have been very pleasant. After an hour, they filed over to the cemetery to see the tiny coffin lowered into the grave. It was almost spring, and flowers were already beginning to sprout in the meadow.

Hullo, hullo, hullo!

The hall was decorated extravagantly. Its ivory walls were spotted with banal paintings of faces and wildflowers, velvet streamers hung from the ceiling, and all around shelves were cluttered with trinkets: a statuette of an angel, a gold cologne bottle, a china tea set, stones engraved with proverbs, a model of an African pygmy hedgehog from a safari in Zaire, a porcelain doll with very red cheeks and kilt, a large black and gold clock without numbers, insects trapped in amber, and an art book containing the complete works of Raphael Santi.

The description in the second sentence is amazing, which makes me think you don't need to day "was decorated extravagantly". Try to combine these sentences. Don't give a flimsy adjective when you're obviously in possession of a great knack for description.

The host stood upon a small stage, cleared his throat, and the crowd of guests fell silent.

Simply my opinion and perhaps my style, but I think this would look better: The host stood upon a small stage, cleared his throat. The crowd of guests feel silent. But! It's only a small opinion, so if you disagree feel free to leave it alone.

I also think you should remove the ellipses except for before and after the parentheses.

I adore this very much. Probably because the attitudes of rich party-goers always makes me think of Evelyn Waugh, and I love him so much! Maybe you've read some of his earlier works? They're a lot like this. Well.

if not for the unfortunate circumstances, it would have been very pleasant.

This has to be my favorite line because it gathers the disposition of all the socialites in so few words. It's one of those things I wish I had written myself! But, I'm content simply to read it. I also love how, at the funeral, spring is blooming. It's such a subtly dark and horrible concept: a funeral, all covered in death, gloom, and darkness, and the narrator comments on the way in which spring flowers are blooming.

I hadn't expected to get so much from a little piece, and I was joyfully surprised. It's perfect. I suppose it is for a contest, given the bits at the beginning? I wish you much luck!

Is this a complete piece? I'm left wondering what the point of the story was. About a little girl falling hitting her head? Who was this little girl, what was she doing there? The whole thing was very fast paced. Break things apart, make this a story. The plot line also is boring, predictable. "Girl hits head on a railing, dies, has a funeral, the end." What if the girl doesn't die right away? Or what if it was a relative who purposefully bashed her head into the railing? Make me want to read this, throw some twists at me.

The hall was decorated extravagantly. Its ivory walls were spotted with banal paintings of faces and wildflowers, velvet streamers hung from the ceiling, and all around shelves were cluttered with trinkets: a statuette of an angel, a gold cologne bottle, a china tea set, stones engraved with proverbs, a model of an African pygmy hedgehog from a safari in Zaire, a porcelain doll with very red cheeks and kilt, a large black and gold clock without numbers, insects trapped in amber, and an art book containing the complete works of Raphael Santi.

This part is pretty good, you are very descriptive. Instead of listing so many items, I want to hear more about the living things in the room. I didn't even know there where people there, until the next line.

"Darling, look at that grotesque painting. I quite think we should have one like it."

The word grotesque seems very out of place here. First (s)he says it looks terrible, then wants one like it? I assumed they where being sarcastic, but it was hard to tell. This line feels like it is sort of thrown in here, and doesn't really contribute to the story. You could expand on this idea by saying," "Darling, Look at that painting! I quite think we should have one like it!" Exclaimed one guest as they gathered in the hall. All the other guests...." Describe what's happening as everyone comes in the room.

The host stood upon a small stage, cleared his throat, and the crowd of guests fell silent. "My friends," he began, "I am delighted you are with me today. As we celebrate my sixtieth birthday, I am so sure that we will still be great friends this time next year...I remember when I first started at the university. I was an overeager graduate student...of course this was back before..." (The guests were getting fidgety. One woman, clad in an expensive-looking gown, kept adjusting her top. Another whispered to her husband about the new wall treatments, just in from Milan and the latest fashion.) "...we've come a long way. Now, if you will accompany me upstairs, there is a wonderful feast prepared."

The part in parenthesis [these ( ) ] really irks me. He hasn't even said but two lines and the guests can't sit still? Try re-wording to something like this, " "I am delighted you all are with me today, as we happily celebrate my sixtieth birthday." The host began, his voice monotone, as he drug out each word slowly. The guest began immediately tuning him out...." Give me a reason that the guests can focus, like he has a monotone voice.

Everyone crowded up the ornate spiral staircase. In the shuffle, no one noticed the small girl who was shoved aside and hit her head on the iron banister. She fell through the bars onto the floor, where she lay quite still. When the news got out, the socialites said to each other:

This is the climax of your story and it's the shortest paragraph so far! I want to know much more detail, and how nobody noticed her. Didn't she cry out, or did someone stifle it with a hand over her mouth? Expand, show me everything that happened!

When the news got out, the socialites said to each other:

The colon is kind of weird right here. Try something like,
"News soon spread of the mysterious tragedy. The socialites all said to each other, "What a terrible accident, how did no one notice?"..."

The funeral was held the next week. It was nice and calm, so they gathered outside and offered condolences to the grieving parents. There were quiches and fresh fruit on a table. Sunshine filtered down through the clouds, and everyone agreed that if not for the unfortunate circumstances, it would have been very pleasant. After an hour, they filed over to the cemetery to see the tiny coffin lowered into the grave. It was almost spring, and flowers were already beginning to sprout in the meadow.

Again, I want more details! Was her mother crying hysterically into her father's shoulder, or was she stone cold, just staring and trying to force up a smile? Where the guests sincerely sorry, or where they interested in the gossip about how the girl died?

The last sentence in this leaves me feeling like there should be more story. Try something like, " It was almost spring. Flowers where blooming, and it seemed to cheery. The little girls mother buried her face into her hands and sobbed, her heart broken and fallen to the ground for the little girl that would never call her "mommy" again. "


Overall, it has potential, it just needs working with.

Moomars~~~
Oh, so is this a reference to The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot? -gigglefits to self- The title just happens to remind me of that. To be honest, having just read that poem for you, a lot of the imagery does as well. Well, all those little trinkets from the first paragraph, and all the ornate little things. It definitely kept that sense of 'oh, i am so much better than you' throughout it all.

So, without reading the other two reviews, I'm going to give a shot at finding the meaning in this piece. Is it a snippet meant to show the frivolity of the 'upper class', so to speak? I mean, besides being made for Clo's contest. ;D -winks- I think that, to go along with showing the transformation of a good thing into a bad thing, you might want to show the contrast between the gaudy mansion thingy and the simpler funeral. Quiches and fresh fruit seem pretty prim to me. Well, I mean, that might make sense because the girl was there at the party in the first place. Hmm.

My stupid train of thought. I think, to serve its purpose, you might dwell just a BIT more on the funeral scene. You took so much time to talk about the first part, that the second part felt a bit vague. Did you do that on purpose? Anyways, enough with my rambling. D:

a porcelain doll with very red cheeks and kilt

This is kind of confusing to me. You might want to say 'with very red cheeks and a very red kilt'. I don't think the repetition would be out of place at all, considering the lengths you're going to to describe the scene. C:

One woman, clad in an expensive-looking gown, kept adjusting her top.

I can understand keeping this vague, because the party guests would keep it vague, but what made the gown look expensive? I think it would be more entertaining to the reader to read WHY it looked that way instead of just that it did. Also, if she was wearing a gown, you mean the top of her gown? Or a something thrown over it?

It was nice and calm, so they gathered outside and offered condolences to the grieving parents.

The weather was nice and calm? The day? The week? It kind of seems like you're saying the week was. I don't know. Whatever you meant!

Love you, Moomars~

-Hannah-

Here goes!

The hall was decorated extravagantly

Pineckity-nickity -- but I don't really like a word like extravagantly dominating your first line. Especially when the succeeding sentences are so much better than this, and do the job anyway. This is telling, and the first is some far nicer showing. Maybe integrate this with the second sentence so it becomes:

The ivory walls of the hall were spotted with banal paintings ...

Something to mull over.

Its ivory walls were spotted with banal paintings of faces and wildflowers, velvet streamers hung from the ceiling, and all around shelves were cluttered with trinkets: a statuette of an angel, a gold cologne bottle, a china tea set, stones engraved with proverbs, a model of an African pygmy hedgehog from a safari in Zaire, a porcelain doll with very red cheeks and kilt, a large black and gold clock without numbers, insects trapped in amber, and an art book containing the complete works of Raphael Santi.

Nice descriptions. I'd take out "all around" before shelves. Or change it. Maybe "and all the shelves" or "the plethora of shelves" or something like that. Makes it run smoother and sound better, I reckonz.

"Darling, look at that grotesque painting. I quite think we should have one like it."

Clarify the speaker. Since it's the first dialogue in the piece, it needs to be. Otherwise I'm confused with the host who talks in the next paragraph, and I don't think that makes sense. So yes.

The host stood upon a small stage, cleared his throat, and the crowd of guests fell silent. "My friends," he began, "I am delighted you are with me today. As we celebrate my sixtieth birthday, I am so sure that we will still be great friends this time next year...I remember when I first started at the university. I was an overeager graduate student...of course this was back before..." (The guests were getting fidgety. One woman, clad in an expensive-looking gown, kept adjusting her top. Another whispered to her husband about the new wall treatments, just in from Milan and the latest fashion.) "...we've come a long way. Now, if you will accompany me upstairs, there is a wonderful feast prepared."

I'm not sure you need the parentheses. You can just as easily drop them and have it as a break between the dialogue, yah? Otherwise, cool stuff.

Everyone crowded up the ornate spiral staircase. In the shuffle, no one noticed the small girl who was shoved aside and hit her head on the iron banister. She fell through the bars onto the floor, where she lay quite still. When the news got out, the socialites said to each other:

Too short by half. First proper action in the piece and it's too brief. It feels like a quiet anecdote in the greater story of the rich people eating, but of course you mean it to be the main part. I understand you're trying to put across the silly socialities and them not noticing the girl and then talking about how awful it is. But I still think you need to hype up your description and writing here. Otherwise it just feels empty.

Sunshine filtered down through the clouds, and everyone agreed that if not for the unfortunate circumstances, it would have been very pleasant

Favourite sentence.

I like the juxtaposition of death and spring. Nicely done to put death and the metaphor of life right next to each other. Kudos.

Otherwise, I guess, as other reviewers, this is a short for a contest, which explains the length. I think however you need more from this. I think your writing is fine, and the only thing that's irking me is the plot. I understand the lack of character -- I like how it's about the socialites as a group, and their idiosyncracies, and I like that. But the plot just seems to be nice house, feast, girl dies. It seems to be a vehicle just so you can pull off a nice comparison between a funeral and the beginning of spring.

Your social commentary is pretty cutting and I think you can increase this by giving it a better semblance of plotty plot.

Thanks for the read, and good luck.