beverly hills murder chapter 2

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Hi guys chapter 2! I’ve decided to separate this chapter into 3 parts. Beach-home -school also I dumped the idea of a romantic interest. If you knew how bad I am at romance you’d be thanking me. So anyways hope you like it!!!
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As Erin lay on the beach in the sun, she thought about her life. She wasn’t lonely. She wasn’t poor, so why did she feel so incomplete? Why was it she felt her heart sting every time she saw a happy family. Even before her aunt and uncle had told her the truth about her parents death that feeling had always been there. She remembered one time in kindergarten a girl had asked her where her mummy was. She had said “wait I’ve got to go ask my auntie”. So Erin had gone up to her auntie and asked her “where’s my mummy”.
Her aunt had bent down on both knees and looked at her sympathetically “Why’d you ask” she’d said curiously. “Because I want to know” Erin had replied impatiently.
“Honey your mum...” her aunt paused for a moment. “Honey your mummy she’s up in the sky with the angels” Only many years after had Erin realized what being with the angels meant. Erin opened her eyes. She decided she was going to buy Ice cream but before she could she saw a friend from school called Maria hanging out with a bunch of girls and boys from school. Maria beckoned her over. “Hey you want to play volleyball with us?” Maria asked.
“Yeah I’d love to” Erin smiled. ‘Finally some fun in my day’ Erin thought.
“Okay, girls against boys” Maria said. Erin laughed as the boys made funny faces and teased the girls. . She played for ages until finally it got dark and she decided to go home.
When she got home Rosie had prepared dinner. Roast chicken with salad and strawberry soufflé as desert. It was delicious. Her uncle always said “there’s no way better to cook food than the French way”
She decided to read a book. Suddenly she heard a sound. It came from the window. She heard a thump. It sounded like someone falling from the window. She ran to the window and saw no on. ‘Weird’ she thought. She thought nothing of the strange sound and when back to bed.
Next day she went to school. Her first lesson was art. Erin wasn’t concentrating on the painting but her hands were moving as if they were being controlled by someone else. She drew and drew and drew. Finally she let her look at what she’d drawn and cried out in pain. In her picture there was a woman a man and a baby dead on the floor. The whole class had come to see what the hassle was, but before anyone could see the picture Erin grabbed it and ripped it up then threw it on the floor. Her teacher Ms Ramie shouted “what do you think you’re doing? do you tihnk pa, detention”
After school Erin went to detention and when she came back there was a pink envelope on it was written Annie. She laughed to herself thinking her best friend had left her a note but the horror was when she opened the envelope she saw…




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Hey, this was pretty good. On with the review...

Why was it she felt her heart sting every time she saw a happy family.

Okay, this sentence confused me a little. Maybe you could say: Why did her heart sting every time she saw a happy family? Or something like that.

Even before her aunt and uncle had told her the truth about her parents death, that feeling had always been there


She had said “wait I’ve got to go ask my auntie”.

Capitalize the "W" in "Wait." Also, put the period at the end in the quotes.

Her aunt had bent down on both knees and looked at her sympathetically,[/b] “Why’d you ask?” she’d said curiously.

Maybe you should say "asked" instead of "said."

“Because I want to know” Erin had replied impatiently.

There should be a comma after "know."

“Honey, your mum...” her aunt paused for a moment. “Honey, your mummy, she’s up in the sky with the angels”

There should be a period after "angels."

She decided she was going to buy ice cream


“Yeah I’d love to,[/b]” Erin smiled. ‘Finally some fun in my day’ Erin thought.


Her uncle always said,[/b] “There’s no way better to cook food than the French way.


She ran to the window and saw [s]no on[/s] no one.


Weird,’ she thought.


What do you think you’re doing? Do you tihnk pa, detention”

There are some errors in this sentence. Fix it please.

Okay, there were quite a few errors in this, I didn't fix them all. You'll have to read through and find them or someone else will. This is a nice plot but I got confused. One minute she was on the beach and then she was remembering something and then she was getting ice cream. Maybe you could make a more smooth transition.

You had problems with punctuation within dialogue.

Here you'll find a link to a tutorial to help with that problem: [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=44898[/url]Punctuation within Dialogue[/url]

Good Luck and keep writing!
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."



You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Atticus