It's Where All The Drama Is

It’s Where All The Drama Is

Chapter 1



Have you ever imagined what your wedding would be like? Or knew the exact dress you would wear to your senior prom? Have you ever beaten yourself up because you said something stupid to your crush? I have never done any of that.

I have had a crush, one crush. But I never had the courage to talk to him. You see I’m a social out cast, ever since kindergarten. I was always the strange blond girl, The Freak. That nickname suited me well because I am a freak. If whenever you touch someone you see his or her future, this would generally classify you as a freak. Which happens in my case. Lucky me.

Over the years I’v learned to deal with it, but when I was little I would spaz out whenever that happened. Thank god I don’t live in a small town anymore because I did till second grade. Small town gossip is so vicious it would make my foster parents cry. The gossip wasn't even about them!

Finally we moved from Allison, Alabama population 736 to Sacramento, California population over 460,242. That was a very big change. My foster father Jack couldn't bear to part from his Ma and stayed in Alabama, a divorce.

So my Foster Mother Karen and I moved the summer before fourth grade. By then I knew that if I did’t talk and kept my eyes down no one would bother me and therefore touch me. I was wrong. The kids in Sacramento public schools were pushy and even when the teachers told them to stop messing with me they did it even more. By fifth grade I was home schooled.

The decision to go back to a public school for sixth grade was made by me one July day.

“Hey Karen,” I said my angel blond hair fanned around my face as I lay down on the gray sun chair.

“Yes?” Karen replied taking a sip of Very Berry Ice Tea.

“I was wondering if I could go back to school next year? A real school.”

Karen started sucking on her bottom lip thinking. She continued sipping her iced tea. I cracked my fingers nervously.

Karen’s eyes flickered to my hands disapprovingly. “Why would you want to go back there?” she asked slowly.

I anticipated that question and had the perfect answer, “Well, I think that because all of the kids are older, if I ask them to stop messing with me they will. And also since everyone’s older instead of being slapped on the wrist they’d have more severe consequences.”

Apparently my perfect answer wasn't perfect enough. Karen sighed, “I’m sorry Georgina but after all you’ve been through I just don’t think it would be right for you right now.”

I pouted the entire day despite Karen’s attempts of cheering me up and having fun. Finally before dinner she said,

“Georgina, I’ll tell you what,” I looked up hopefully, “If you show me that the kids at the school you want to go to will respect you, then maybe you can go for the last month or two.”

It wasn’t the best deal ever but at least it was something. I jumped up and down, did a little dance and was happy and easy going for the rest of the night.

Hi there,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you find your stay most pleasant.

On with the review:
I think that you write very nicely indeed. Your prose, while not entirely sophisticated, is real, believable, and warming. There is not an overabundance of mistakes, and you have successfully won at least a little bit of sympathy for your character. Your strength in this piece basically boils down to its believability.

You will likely get reviews saying that you should show this story rather than tell it. While this may be good advice under most circumstances, I think that here, your telling is perhaps even more effective than a showing would be. In fact, when writing a persona, you can only show what she can see, which is a trap that many writers fall into. So, in anticipation of any reviews that say this, I disagree.

So, what can you do to improve your piece? Well, comma usage is a little dry. Here are a couple of misplaced or omitted commas.

You see I’m a social out cast, ever since kindergarten.

You want a comma after "see". You might even remove the comma after cast. Also, outcast is a single word.

Small town gossip is so vicious it would make my foster parents cry.

I would place a comma between "vicious", and "it".

So my Foster Mother Karen and I moved the summer before fourth grade.

You want a comma after "So" as well as one after "mother". Also, don't capitalize foster mother. Only when you call your mother should mother be capitalized.

Finally before dinner she said,

A comma should be present before "before".

A couple of other minor pointers: Firstly, when you are making a point that you know other people will find interesting, exploit it. You've only given us these two lines when it comes to her abnormality:

If whenever you touch someone you see his or her future, this would generally classify you as a freak. Which happens in my case. Lucky me.

I would definitely get more involved here. Get your audience involved.

Secondly, numbers. say "over seven hundred" instead of 736. And "almost five hundred thousand " instead of 460242.

You've definitely got something going for yourself here. I hope the review helped.

Have a good one!

Hey there! n_n

Overall, you have a pretty good grip on basic grammar and spelling. Your comma usage could use a bit of work, but commas are tricky little things; you'll get the hang of them eventually. In the meantime, there are lots of lovely resources on comma usage around the internet (and on this site). I suggest taking a look at them.

I also liked how, even though your character has been bullied/shunned, she doesn't dwell on it. This really makes it easy to sympathize with her since she isn't shoving the fact that she's had a pretty unhappy childhood into the reader's faces all the time.

Now, some things that stood out to me:

[...]I have never done any of that.

I have had a crush, one crush. But I never had the courage to talk to him.

This opening sentences felt a bit stiff and forced to me, mainly because you didn't use any contractions. Contractions are informal and more intimate than no contractions, which is very formal. Now, if this is the character's natural voice, this is fine, and you can disregard what I'm about to say. The thing is, the narrator is talking about fairly intimate things, and it feels a bit strange for them not to use a more informal, intimate tone.

You see I’m a social outcast. Ever since kindergarten, I was always the strange blond girl, The Freak.

If whenever you touch someone you see his or her future, this would generally classify you as a freak. Which happens in my case.

"Being able to see someone's future whenever you touch them would generally classify you as a freak. I happen to be able to do that." This reads more smoothly than what you currently have.

The decision to go back to a public school for sixth grade was made by me one July day.

Very passive sentence here. It almost seems to say that the idea forced itself upon her. Rephrasing it to something like "I decided one July day to go back to a public school for sixth grade." makes it more engaging to the reader and shows us that your character is able to do things on her own.

I'm also wondering why she decided to go to a public school and why she wants to so badly, but I suppose you'll cover that later on in the story.

Secondly, numbers. say "over seven hundred" instead of 736. And "almost five hundred thousand " instead of 460242.

I agree. Unless her paying attention to the exact number of people in each location is part of her character, using more imprecise quantities is a good idea. If your character does pay a lot of attention to numbers, be sure to mention it throughout the story.

Well, this is a good start. Good luck with the rest of the story.

Hey =]

I thought I'd take a look at your story as you reviewed mine

Nit-piks first - though most seem to have already been covered so I'll try my best.

was always the strange blond girl, The Freak. - I'd change the comma after 'girl' to a full stop. That way it sounds more punchy when you read 'The Freak.'

If whenever you touch someone you see his or her future, this would generally classify you as a freak. Which happens in my case. Lucky me. - I definitely agree that you should expand on this. How did she discover her powers? Does she see flashes of the future or an event?

Over the years I’v - I've

I knew that if I did’t - didn't

Sacramento public schools were pushy and even when the teachers told them to stop messing with me they did it even more. - I'd rephrase this sentence by taking out the first 'even' and adding a comma after 'me'

“Hey Karen,” I said my angel blond hair fanned around my face as I lay down on the gray sun chair. - There should be a comma after 'said'

“Yes?” Karen replied taking a sip of Very Berry Ice Tea. - Comma after 'replied'

Karen started sucking on her bottom lip thinking. She continued sipping her iced tea. - This seems a little robotic and awkward. Maybe re-phrase it. 'Karen started to suck on her bottom lip in thought, before taking another sip of her ice tea.' - Something like that anyway.

I anticipated that question and had the perfect answer - 'Fortunately, I'd anticipated that question and had already prepared the perfect answer.'

Karen sighed, - I'd change the comma to a full stop.

“Georgina, I’ll tell you what,” I looked up hopefully, Change the second and third commas to full stops.

It wasn’t the best deal ever but at least it was something. - Comma after 'ever'

Overall;

I enjoyed reading this and I'm curious to know what happens with Georgina's powers.

Keep writing!

xDudettex

Hey thanks a lot too everyones whose reviewed my stories!!! i really appreciate it!!