Ink

Written when I was 12. VERY messy.XD go on and murder it. My 12 year old self somewhere will understand.
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Written down on thin, white snow,
It is there it glimmers and glows;
Expressing feelings the heart cannot say,
Bringing us joy everyday.

Indescribable pain that is written down,
Of heartache and sorrow that causes a frown;
Reread and crumpled but never erased,
Stories of danger the people have faced.

Forgotten fairytales that once brought us glee,
Those bed time stories that once made us happy;
Written in ink on paper of snow,
There, there are secrets the tongue does not know.

Forgotten and lost but never quite gone,
Written in ink under the sun;
Though the snow may melt and disappear,
Someway or another the ink will appear.

Hi there, Knightly Angel! June here!

Wow, you were twelve when you wrote this? Tell your twelve-year-old self that she was a pretty downright good poet! This is impressive!

I like your twelve-year-old-self's usage of slant rhymes. While some lines seemed to be thrown in for the sake of rhyme, it's really good. I doubt that I could stir up something this good when I was twelve.

For some reason, as I read through this, I got to thinking, where's that ink coming from? If the heart can't actually say it, then where's it coming from, dear? A pen?

Also! Tiny error!

Of heartahce and sorrow that causes a frown;

heartahce should be heartache, deary .

And! I noticed that you begin all lines with capital letters, ja? Take a look at the second line in the first stanza, dear.

Punctuation here was rather well done, and the poem has a "complete" touch to it; it doesn't leave us hanging in the middle of nowhere, nor does it give us too much information to the point where it feels like we've been given an overload, haha.

Keep it up, Knight! You've got skillz!

June

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Written when I was 12. VERY messy.XD go on and murder it. My 12 year old self somewhere will understand.
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Written down on thin, white snow, thin snow?
It is there: it glimmers and glows; not a rhyme
Expressing feelings thAT heart cannot say,
Bringing us joy everyday.

Indescribable pain that is written down, no comma here
Of heartache and sorrow that causes a frown;
Reread and crumpled but never erased,
Stories of danger the people have faced.

Forgotten fairy tales that once brought us glee,
Those bed time stories that once made us happy; again ..not a rhyme
Written in ink on paper of snow,
There[s], there[/s] are secrets the tongue does not know. ...or you could say doesn't know

Forgotten and lost but never quite gone,
Written in ink under the sun;
Though the snow may melt and disappear,
Someway or another the ink will appear.

I like this. It's very nice.. I don't know what to say other than well done. You have nice motives, snowy atmosphere (you actually made snow warm lol). You have few mistakes, but that can be easily repaired.

First off, this is pretty great for a 12-year-old. I know I couldn't write like that at that age. Plus the rhyme scheme actually works pretty well.

My only critique is the last stanza, where the snow/paper metaphor breaks down. If the snow(which is the paper), melts(disappears, is thrown out, etc.), then...how can the ink come back? I don't know if my brain's on the fritz or if I'm just over-thinking it, but that's confusing.

Aside from that, though, it was good. I especially liked the lines "Reread and crumpled but never erased" and "There, there are secrets the tongue does not know." Good job and keep writing!

*raises hand*

I'm twelve, dear. These comments about this being good for a twelve-year-old just tickle me pink. Your twelve-year-old-self will understand? XD Are you not the same person you were then?

Hehe, I just can't get over it. Sorry, but I think this poem is actually very well-written for a poet of any age. So, enough of my sensless rambling! Onto the concrete opinions!

[s]There, [/s]there are secrets the tongue does not know

I can see that you probably just added in the repeated 'there' to try and even up the rhyme a bit, but it works just as well without it. Even better, actually, because repeated words stifle a poem's flow.

Though the snow may melt and disappear,
Someway or another the ink will appear.

Ermm...I loved your whole rhyming scheme until thje very end! This should be where you go SHABANG! my poem rocks. This is where you make us remember it. This is certainly not the spot to ruin your wonderful rhyming scheme by using two words so close together, in my humble opinion. You could, if this floats your boat, rephrase this as:

Though the snow may melt and disappear
Someway or another the ink perseveres.

The rhyming still works, as does the rhythym, and I just like that a bit better. But, you don't necessarily have to change it, if your twelve-year-old self would rather not.

Seems like I've read a lot of your poetry, and seems as if it's all been great. You really do have mad skizzles, as June said, and you should definately pursue your writing. I love your poetry!

~Evi

For one I know for a fact that I couldn't write anything like this when I was twelve being that I am thirteen. Not cause I was twelve I couldn't write anthing like this but because of what emotional stage I was in. lots of people run faster in smartness then other people. This is very good!!!!!!! Could you amagine spending eight and a half hourse a day for eight yearse with people who are always the same as you. Though I see Evi's point. People depend to much on scientist's idea of what stage you should be in by what age you are. Can't the scientists shut up for once and get back to canser. I mean really!

No, I don't think I'm the same person I was when I was twelve Evi. Just kidding. Yes, you have a point there. I am my 12 year-old self except I'm fifteen now.

And stages scientists stereotype, un-insane peyton? You mean those scientists are trying to tell my twelve-year-old self I should have been a clone of other twelve-year-olds then? hmmm... I'd like to see them try. They should concentrate on cancer and aids and quantum physics instead of twelve year olds. I agree with you.

thanks for the reviews.

--Knightly

for 12? this was dec. (:
all I have to say, is the paper of snow line, doesn't really make sense.