Journal of a Secret Keeper (title subject to change)

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Journal of a Secret Keeper


Chapter 1 - The Intro

The story of my life is not one that I can say is very exciting. That’s pretty obvious since I can’t remember any of it anyway. So I guess that instead of starting this journal with my birth and simply listing the events until now, I will instead tell you everything that I can about myself that I know before I begin describing what’s going on right now.

So, my name is Genevieve Marie Noling, though I wish it were something different, such as Kara or Karen, for what reason I doubt I’ll ever know. I usually go by the name of Gen or Genna, though I actually just prefer Gen. I am often random, laughing at odd times and making practical jokes that nobody understands. I am more comfortable talking with adults at the age of thirteen then I was talking with kids when I was nine, and I’m even more uncomfortable talking with other children now. My books and writing are my life, and without them, I would be a shell, a husk with no inner being or identity. I can scarcely imagine what life was like before man figured out how to write and use paper. It must have been horrible!

I have brown hair, blue eyes (with twenty out of twenty vision), and skin so pale that you could, almost literally, mistake me for a ghost if you saw me wandering about outside at night. I love to wear jeans, and any shirt that’s comfortable, whether it’s big or small, is at liability to be snatched from its place and pulled on over my head. I am a walking catastrophe just waiting to happen, being that I’m tall and a total klutz. I could trip over just about anything that’s lower than my waist, and since I often DO trip, it’s surprising that I have only the few bruises that I do.

And that is basically everything about me that I can say or care to mention at the moment, whether because I forgot to mention it, or because I just don’t feel like doing so right now. But don’t worry; by the time you’ve finished reading this, you’ll know everything about me, plus more besides...


Chapter 11 - The Beginning

Everyday after school, my mom picks me up and drives me back home. Sometimes, if she’s in the mood, she’ll even pick the mail up. Well, today she picks the mail up and hands it all to me, as usual. And, as usual, I start sifting through the junk that we normally receive in our mail box. As I’m sifting through it all, my eyes catch sight of an envelope addressed to me. Okay, not terribly unusual, but definitely not normal either, especially since there wasn’t any reason for anybody in my family to write to me.

But this card WAS unusual, in that it looked as though it had been written on parchment (I assumed it was parchment, since it most definitely wasn’t the normal kind of paper that you could buy at the store), and with what was most definitely a quill handled with extreme excellence compared to how I handled one (for I had a quill, I just sucked at using it).

Deciding that it would be better that my mother not find out about the unusual nature of my letter, I waited for the car to park in our parking lot, got out, handed the other mail to my mom (whose name is Kristen, by the way) and headed for the door, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I made sure my mom didn’t see the letter, and managed to sneak away up to my room without being found out.

There, I dropped my bag onto the floor; eyes glued to the mysterious correspondence, I walked over to my bed and slowly sat down. Then I carefully turned the note over, slid my finger under the wax seal (yeah, I know, really old fashioned, huh?), and warily slid out the paper that was inside.

So far so good, I thought with relief, until I read what the note said. Then, my jaw dropped, and I was suddenly very thankful that I was sitting down. It read:



Dear Ms. Genevieve Noling,

I am writing to you in haste, for I know that you are the only one who can help me now. In the box I sent with this letter are stories that I have painstakingly rewritten so as to preserve the secrets that they hold. Unfortunately, the secrets they keep are dangerous and must not be allowed to become known. For if these secrets were to be revealed to the wrong people, mankind’s very existence would be at stake. I beg you, therefore, to please keep these treasures safe no matter what, and above all, do not reveal the truth: The existence of Fairy Folk, and their whereabouts.
KEEP THIS AWAY FROM ALL PRYING HANDS for you never know who might turn against you.

Best of luck,

Kara M. Beddingfield

Master Scribe
&
Friend in Need




I stared and stared at the last three words on the page. A friend in need, I thought. When have I ever been known to turn down the call of help from a friend? The answer was a simple one: Never. And I wasn’t about to break my personal record now.

Suddenly, I heard my dad come walking down the hall. Quickly but carefully, I hid the letter under the bed and took up my computer so that it looked like nothing suspicious had been happening. Luckily, it was Friday, so there was nothing wrong with me messing around. I heard the tap, tap of my dad’s fist on the door, the quiet creaking of the hinges, and the drop of something that sounded heavy, as well as the quiet, “This just came in the mail for you.” My dad never speaks very loudly. It’s a bad habit of his. I looked up from the blank screen of my PC to the box now lying on the floor of my bedroom. It was also addressed to me in the same untidy scrawl as the one in the letter. And then I remembered that the writer of the memo had mentioned something about a box and a ton of stories in it.

Well, this must be the all-important box of secrets that girl was talking about, I thought with droll amusement. And, putting my PC down, I got off my bed, opened the box, took out a sheaf of papers, and began to read.
Last edited by Claeren on Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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I would take out the first paragraph, you don't have to prep readers. Also, you could add a lot to this (quality and quantity) by showing us more instead of telling us. You do a lot of telling.
Other than that, I was thinking 3rd person might work better with your casual tone than 1st does. Because if this is in first person, you have to ask yourself how you would really react if this happened.

Just a few suggestions. Its still a good piece. I like your character and the plot too, it's kind of cliche but it still worked out fine and was enjoyable. Keep at it, I can see it going places. ;)

-Ares




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What do you mean when you say "showing instead of telling"?
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Heya Claeren! I thought I'd give a quick review of your story!

First off, this was interesting. The MC and plot were well defined. You have my interest peaked. I want to see if anyone finds the box or letter. If Gen manages to find the whereabouts of the Fairy Folk, etc. But now to some nit-picks.

This is really just one long sentence. I've put some suggestions in bold.

But this card WAS unusual, in that it looked as though it had been written on parchment. [s](I assumed it was parchment, since it most definitely wasn’t the normal kind of paper that you could buy at the store), and [/s] I only assumed it was parchment because it most definitely was not the paper bought at the store. [s]with what was most definitely a quill handled with extreme excellence compared to how I handled one (for I had a quill, I just sucked at using it). [/s] I had a quill at home and I sucked at using it. Compared to how I handled one, this letter was written with a quill handled with extreme excellence.


You have many, many long sentences. Short sentences are okay too. Perhaps you could try shortening down some.

Suddenly, I heard my dad come walking down the hall.


How did she know it was her dad? You could try and describe how she knew it was he. Ex. Heavy footsteps, humming, etc.

KEEP THIS AWAY FROM ALL PRYING HANDS for you never know who might turn against you.


Put a period after hands. It won't be so long.

Also, you could add a lot to this (quality and quantity) by showing us more instead of telling us.

What do you mean when you say "showing instead of telling"?


You tell us what is going on. It's rather difficult for me to explain.

Everyday after school, my mom picks me up and drives me back home. Sometimes, if she’s in the mood, she’ll even pick the mail up. Well, today she picks the mail up and hands it all to me, as usual.


You tell what the mother does. You aren't showing us. Ex.

I spotted my mom waiting on the other side of the street, waiting for me. I hurried across and hopped into the car. "Thanks for picking me up again mom," I said.
"No problem sweetie. I'm going to pick the mail up today. Is that alright with you?"
"Yea sure. Maybe there's something for me." I chucked my backpack into the back. Every once in awhile my mom would be in a certain mood to just drive. I didn't mind it. Although I would rather go straight home...

I don't know if that'll help you any. But the right amount of dialogue always seems to help the story along and eliminates the chances of telling.

Well, that's all I could find. I hope I wasn't to nit-picky. Overall, I enjoyed it. I can't wait to know what happens next. PM when you post more up or have any questions!

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Wow...thanks, I see what's wrong with my writing now. Unfortunately, I have a real problem writing short sentences, since there's just so much that I want to tell, and I have no idea how exactly to tell it. I will edit this piece, using all of your suggestions, and it WILL be better than this version! >( *promises to work harder*

Thanks for the help you guys! ^^

- Claeren (call me Claery)
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One last thing that I forgot to mention, though: When you mean the difference between "showing" instead of "telling" you mean the difference between me actually doing the action istead of just saying that I did do it, right? Sorry, not a very good description, I see now why you said it was hard to explain... Anyway, I think I got it, and I will work harder to "show" more and "tell" less!

- Claeren (call me Claery)
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One last thing that I forgot to mention, though: When you mean the difference between "showing" instead of "telling" you mean the difference between me actually doing the action istead of just saying that I did do it, right? Sorry, not a very good description, I see now why you said it was hard to explain... Anyway, I think I got it, and I will work harder to "show" more and "tell" less!

Pretty much. Keep workin' at it. You'll get better, you'll see.

- Meow
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"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso