Between heaven and Hell

Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
Chapter One- Girl Interrupted

The library was small. That was why I told myself I left. Because the library in the school was small enough that we all should practically all be sitting together, yet I was the only one sitting alone. Up until then I had chocked it all up to independence, my ability to be self reliant-but in all honesty I knew there was something wrong with me.
It wasn’t my looks because, I was fairly pretty when I tried to be. I didn’t think I had such a bad personality either, maybe a little hard to approach and somewhat overly sarcastic, but generally a nice person.

There were the black outs though. I had been taken off school grounds in an ambulance more than once over the past semester. There had been some rumors that I was some sort of drug addict and I overdosed. Which wasn’t true. But rumors spread fast in small towns, just like Newport, Illinois.
There was just something about me that wasn’t right, that didn’t fit. I just seemed to drift. I knew everyone at school but had no real friends there. Something always felt wrong inside of me.

The only person who talked to me was the son of the pastor in the Newport’s only church. And well, we did more than talk, but it was all supposed to be a secret- even though all the kids at school pretty much knew. The only person we had to keep it a secret from was his father, who didn’t approve of me. Go figure. He must have heard the drug addict rumor and believed it. Plus the fact that I had barely been to church three times in the last five years wasn’t helpful. I didn’t like church, I never had. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there.

It was a Friday, the day that I left, my eighteenth birthday. Ryan, the pastor’s son, found me in my English class. We were working on our research papers in the small library. We were both seniors and he ran passes for the office this hour. When I saw him come into the room I knew the pass was for me. He would send me fake passes all the time to get me out of class. We always met in the same room. As I collected my notebooks and left the library I felt a dozen sets of eyes burning holes in my back.

When I got to the room I walked in to see a cupcake and a small wrapped box on one of the empty desks. I didn’t see Ryan but I felt him behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his chin on my shoulder, “Happy Birthday Jess.” He kissed my shoulder and then walked over to the cupcake, lighting the blue candle sticking out of the middle of it. I didn’t understand why he of all people liked me. He could have had literally any other girl in the whole entire school, yet he picked me. I wanted to be happy with him, I really did. But it was like I was on some self destructive path, I purposefully caused problems and did things to hurt him, yet he always forgave me, always wanted to fix things. I kept telling myself that I was just his way for him to rebel against his father, I was just a phase and eventually he would realize he deserved more than me. Maybe.

“Make a wish,” he said carrying the cupcake towards me. I closed my eyes and didn’t make a wish, I never did. I just blew out the candle. When I opened my eyes again my I got that feeling like I had stood up too quickly and my headache was back. Headaches only meant one thing- blackouts. I had had more black outs than just the ones at school but I had managed to keep those a secret from my mom. She had taken me to the doctor before but I was always told there was nothing wrong and I would get a prescription for some pain killers for the headaches.

I stumbled backwards and Ryan dropped the cupcake to catch me, “Sit down Jess,” his voice was full of worry. I sat in a chair and was suddenly overcome with anger, I just wanted to hit and throw things. I looked at Ryan and just hated him so much. Then just as quickly as the anger came it left, replaced by sadness. I couldn’t help it, tears started falling down my cheeks. I think I would have taken a black out over this. My head was still pounding and there were voices. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, but they were getting louder. Pain spread from my head to my shoulders arms, stomach, legs, everywhere. My body felt like it was on fire. Then it all stopped.

I must have been screaming because there was a small group of people standing outside the door staring worriedly. Ryan had his hands on my shoulders and was saying my name. I sat very still and quiet, afraid the pain would come back.

“Somebody go get the nurse,” Ryan instructed, the small group of what looked like freshmen ran off, fear in their eyes. No doubt they thought I was having a drug fit or something along those lines. Ryan brushed my chocolate brown hair from my face and wiped a tear from my cheek, “What happened?”
I shook my head, whatever had happened I couldn’t explain. I just sat helplessly staring at the cupcake. It was upside down, green frosting smooshed against the concrete floor, the candle buried somewhere in the frosting.

“I’m okay,” I lied trying to stand up but Ryan held me firmly in the chair.

My mom was called and I was forced to wait in the office to get picked up. Ryan headed to class, promising to come check on me that afternoon.

The nurse eyed me suspiciously and asked me questions like if I had been taking any new medications or if I had been drinking. I shook my head to both questions and jumped up when I saw the black mustang pull up in front of the school. My mom wasn’t in the car though. Instead she had sent my cousin, Hillary.

Hillary was one of my other few friends, her parents had died when she was little and so she had lived with us for as long as I could remember. She had been away at college and even though it was only April her semester was over. Hillary was one of those girls that could arm wrestle boys and usually win then turn around and wear a little red dress and have boys begging her for a dance at the clubs in the city. I looked at her perfect blonde curls and well styled outfit then looked at my own attire of jeans and a Rascal Flatts concert shirt and sighed.

“When did you get back?” I asked tossing my back pack into the back seat.

“About an hour ago. Your mom said you were sick?” She turned to look at me and put the car in gear.

“Just a headache, they were totally overreacting.” I replied rolling down my window and letting the spring air hit my face, “How was school?”

“Good. I missed you. And this place is such a drag compared to Florida, you are coming to see me next summer, okay?” I laughed and nodded.

“Where are we going?” I asked when we turned left out of the school parking lot instead of the usual right.

“Today is your birthday in case you forgot, we’re going to the mall so I can buy you some clothes.” She turned the music up and rolled down her own window as we hit a country road that lead into the city.
I leaned my head back against the seat. I watched as we passed a red barn that stuck out considerably against the green grass and blue cloudless sky. The trees passed by in shades of green one after another and another.
That was the last thing I remember, the trees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laura was worried about her daughter, the constant black outs, the constant anger or sadness, and it was just getting worse. She hoped the surprise party would help. Hillary picked Jessie up and kept out of the house long enough for everyone to come over and help get ready for the party. She knew that Jessie didn’t consider most of the people invited friends, but she didn’t know who else to invite.
Laura watched the mustang pull up from her hiding spot and put her hand on the light switch. The door flew open, the lights came on, and everyone yelled SURPRISE! Except the only person that came in was Hillary, who was crying.

“Aunt Laura I’m so sorry!” she cried walking towards Laura and holding out a note, “I couldn’t stop her!” Laura smiled comfortingly. Laura could be a drama queen, and a loud mouth. She probably just let slip the plans for the party and Jessie got mad and ran off. She would cool down in an hour or so and come home.

“Calm down, calm down,” Laura took the note and brushed a stray strand from Hillary’s eyes.
“No you don’t understand!” Hillary yelled opening the note in Laura’s hand, “I don’t know where she went, she says she isn’t coming back. I just went into Starbucks for a minute…she said she didn’t want anything…I was just gone for a minute.” Hillary started crying uncontrollably as Laura read the note.
It wasn’t very long, just four words. Don’t come for me. Laura trained to stay composed and comfort Hillary, but when Ryan came and took the note from her she broke down. She wasn’t supposed to know about Ryan, but she had suspicions, suspicions that were confirmed seconds later.

Ryan read the note once, twice, because the first time he couldn’t seem to process the words. It was insane, Jessie couldn’t be gone. She just couldn’t. She didn't know he loved her, he had never gotten to tell her. Then he ran, because he didn’t know what else to do, except try to go after her. Laura started crying harder as Ryan sprinted to his car. His friends followed and tried to stop him, but it was no use.

That night Ryan got into a car accident that would make the morning news. Laura wouldn’t get out of bed for weeks while Hillary blamed herself.

Hi! I'm Hannah!

I. Little Things

Up until now I had chocked it all up to independence, my ability to be self reliant-but in all honesty I knew there was something wrong with me.

When you say 'now', it shifts the tense, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. You start off with the story in past tense {The library was small. That was why I told myself I left.} and then switch to saying 'now'. I think you really need to say 'then' instead. Also, the hyphen you put between reliant and but makes no sense. If you wanted a dash there, you should use a double dash instead {I think it might be called an em dash if it's the solid one}, but I think what you really need is a comma.. A hyphen is a hyphen and used for hyphen-y things. You want 'self-reliant, but in all honesty, I knew there was...'.

It wasn’t my looks, I was fairly pretty when I tried. I didn’t think I had such a bad personality either, maybe a little hard to approach and somewhat overly sarcastic, but generally a nice person.

Okay, these are little thingies that we call 'comma-splices'. D: They are BAD and confusing to read, so it's better to avoid them. A comma splice is when you hook two complete sentences together using only a comma. If there had been a word that indicated dependency hooked on to one of them, a conjunction, or a different punctuation mark, it would be fine, but you need to use one of those techniques to fix this up. Here are some examples of your options:

1. It wasn't my looks, because I was fairly pretty when I tried {to be}.
2. It wasn't my looks, for I was fairly pretty when I tried {to be}.
3. It wasn't my looks; I was fairly pretty when I tried {to be}.
4. It wasn't my looks. I was fairly pretty when I tried {to be}.

As you might be able to tell, I also think you should put 'to be' or something similar at the end of that first sentence to make it a bit clearer. Just keep that comma splice thing in mind for the rest of your writing! =D There are several more that I noticed, but you should try to catch them on your own. ^_^

But rumors spread fast in small towns, small towns like Newport, Illinois.

Ewwie. You don't need to repeat 'small towns'. It just seems like a see-through ploy to up the drama. Just say 'small towns like Newport, Illinois'. ^_^

There was just something about me that wasn’t right; that didn’t fit.

This is a misused semi-colon. He feels very sad about being mis-used! D; Hehe, just kidding. But it should be something else. You could make a period and make that second part a stylistic fragment, or you could use a comma and keep it all grammatically correct {'that didn't fit' would just kind of be part of a list}. ^_^

Ironically enough, the only person who talked to me was the son of the pastor in the towns only church.

*town's
AND, why is that so ironic? =/ I don't see it as ironic. D:

And well, we did more than talk, but it was all a secret- even though everyone at school knew. The only person we had to keep it a secret from was his father who didn’t approve of me, go figure.

Okay, either it was a secret or it wasn't. <_< You're going to have to pick one and just tell it like it is instead of making it so confusing. =P Also, 'go figure' wants to be its own sentence. ^_^

It was like I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t wanted, I wasn’t safe there.

Eh, I got it by now that this MC thinks that she doesn't fit in or feels that way in different places. <_< Saying it again in relation to the church gets to be a bit of over-kill, in my opinion.

It was a Friday, the day that I left; also my eighteenth birthday. Ryan, the pastor’s son, found me in my English class.

That semi-colon should be a comma. <_< I mean, semi-colons can be used to connect complete sentences {and that's pretty much the only time they should be used}, but it just gets odd when you connect something with a fragment. =P It could be a stylistic thing if you make it its own sentence, but it just looks grammatically incorrect if you use a semi-colon. Besides that, though, I think you need to say the pastor's son's name earlier in the description of him, because otherwise, the 'formal' introduction here makes it seem like we haven't met him yet, when we really have and it just throws off the flow. xP

We were both seniors and he ran passes for this office this hour. He handed the teacher a pass who crossed the library and handed it to me. The pass told me to go to the counselor’s office immediately, which was code for meet me in room 225, it was always empty this hour. I collected all my stuff and put it into my bag feeling eyes burning holes into my back as I left the library.

Can you just read this out loud to yourself? =( When I read it, I can't understand most of it, because it seems like the sentences got all mixed up. Try to make them clearer. The code thing just seems kind of cheesy to me as well, especially coming up without any sort of introduction of the fact that there was a code. xP

I didn’t understand why he of all people liked me. He could have had literally any other girl in the whole entire school, so why he picked me I didn’t know.

This feels really repetitive. Try cutting one of the 'I didn't understand/know why's. ^_^

Headaches only meant one thing, blackouts.

I think a dash would work better here :
Headaches only meant one thing -- blackouts.

I looked at Ryan and just hated him so much. Then just as quickly as the anger came it left, replaced by sadness. I couldn’t help it, tears started falling down my cheeks. I think I would have taken a black out over this.

To me, this is super random and kind of weird. <_< Where did you get this idea from? It just doesn't seem so very plausible to me, but I mean, if you have some kind of base to it, that might be better. ^_^

“I’m okay.” I lied trying to stand up but Ryan held me firmly in the chair.

This was a pretty rare problem in this piece, but you should definitely take a look at this article on dialogue punctuation so you can get it right. ^_^ Click here!

Ryan headed to class promising to come check on me that afternoon.

When you have dependent clauses you'll need to use commas with them. That means you need a comma after 'Ryan headed to class'. You do this earlier as well, so try to look out for spots like that and use appropriate commas. ^_^

The nurse called my mom...

The nurse eyed me suspiciously...

You start both of those paragraphs with the same phrase and it's noticeable, so you should try to change one. ^_^

She had been away at college and even though it was only April her semester was over. Hillary was one of those girls that could arm wrestle boys and usually win then turn around and wear a little red dress and have boys begging her for a dance at the clubs in the city. Her long blonde hair was perfectly curled and hung down over her shoulders where they were covered with a little printed blue and white dress. I sighed and looked down at my jeans and concert t shirt from a Rascal Flatts concert Ryan had taken me to. My hair hung straight down to my mid back as always and my bangs had grown out long enough that they couldn’t even be considered bangs anymore.

To me, this seems like a huge info dump. :C I never really think that describing a character's clothes is necessary unless they play a part in the story. You can also try to work the information about her hair in earlier in the story. D: Try to avoid putting a lot of this kind of description all together because it's really noticeable when you want your story to be smooth. :C

And that was the last thing I could remember.

And the way that this ends make me think it's kind of more of a prologue than a 'chapter one'. <_< But, I mean, I guess we'll see where it goes. As of now I have no idea what is going on because that last sentence leaves me totally shaken up, which means it's a good cliffhanger! -thumbs up-

II. Overall

You really need to brush up on the mechanics and grammar of writing or be sure to check through the writing before posting it and stuff. -nodnod- I liked the beginning of the story, but the characterization seemed a little forced. Why not reveal this information about her past slowly and gradually, working it in where it comes naturally, and starting with the action? That's just something you might want to consider.

The plot, so far, is kind of out there and I don't know that its believable enough for what you're going for. xP Try making the black outs and stuff seem like they're something medical -- research if you have to, but don't just plop some symptoms in because they're convenient.

Good work! Keep it up.

-Hannah-

Wow, I knew I sucked at grammar but I didn't know I sucked that bad. Haha. This is just my first draft but I will definatly fix all of that stuff. I appreciate the time you took to look through it all that well.

The thing with the black outs and stuff has to be explained later, it's confusing right now but I sat and thought about it for a while and there was no other way I could think of that would work. It's choppy right now because this draft is just kind of my brain throw up haha. But that was all really really helpful!

Thanks a bunch.

-Rory

I really enjoyed this. I thought i was very well done and it made me interested to hear more. Im REALLY ( I use caps coz im excited XD) interested to see where you are going with this and you have quite a lot of doors open to take it anywhere you like. If this would a published book, i would probably buy it. That is a compliment you should never forget.
Well Done.

Oh wow, thanks.
I really appreciate.
I actually have the next parts so I will post them. I will also be updating this part using the grammar changes Hannah gave me and adding a bit more at the ending so yeah.
Thanks for reading!

-Rory