Untitled.

Hi everybody,

So this is my first writing, I know it is full with mistakes, hope you don't give up quickly.
I still don't have a title, so it is untitled now, this is just a part from the first chapter, I want to see if this part is good first, if it is not I'll stop and repeat from the beginning.

Thanx for your help, hope I don't get you bored.

SIHAM.
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“I don’t want to see you again unless if you bring me a new article, I want a new story. People don’t like any more these actors’ lies; the readers want something new, something real, a story which is alive. I want to surprise them. If you don’t write a new article, no need to show up here again, do you understand?”

This was the voice of the director of the Life’s magazine, he is a 53 years old man, his faces shows that he is sick, he may have diabetes, but sure anger makes him sick because he was breathing hardly after his meeting with the young journalist Lucas. The director seemed to find difficulties moving, but still, he could reach his medicines in the desk’s corner, the water bottle and took his aspirin with closed eyes. Lucas could say nothing, he has never written a ridiculous article as this one. He went outside feeling upset, his eyes focusing on the ground; he could not raise his face as if all people know about him, as if all of them are talking about his failure.

He could not have answers to his mind’s questions; but one point was dominating his thinking, the new story. Where can he find this new story? A real story, a vivid story, a story which will surprise the reader.

It was 9 o’clock pm, Lucas was walking toward the bridge, his eyes still looking on the ground, feeling ashamed and looking for an answer in emptiness. He wasn’t aware about where he was, what his direction is, he was following his foot wherever they guides him. He could not reach any point in his mind, but he was certain that tomorrow he will go back to his boss having in his hands the piece of writing which will earn him his boss’ admiration. He felt enthusiastic imagining this picture.

“Don’t come nearer, stay where you are.” Said an afraid voice of a woman. Lucas woke up from his dream and realizes that he was in the middle of the old bridge. The voice came again from a 40 years old woman; she was standing on the bridge’s border, focusing her eyes on Lucas. Lucas was shocked by the view in front of him; he was confused about what he’s doing there and who this woman is. He tried to come nearer to ask her who is she, but she started shouting as soon as she saw him coming towards her.

“I told you stay away from me, or I’ll throw myself from this bridge to the river.” Lucas stood in his place, his eyes fixed on the woman and his mouth shut, he could say nothing.

“I mean what I said, I’ll throw myself from here.” The woman said with a shivering voice and moved one foot from the bridge’s border. At that moment, Lucas realized that she’s really willing to suicide, he wanted to know more about her, he fall back and tried to calm her so that she feels safe and forget this idea of suicide first, and then tell him her story, he has never been as curious as with this woman, suddenly he wants to know everything about her, and specially the reason why she wants to die, he felt that there was something strange in her story.
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So this is it, I know it is catastrophic.
Thanx for reading.

So here's the review. Sorry I'm a meany. But I didn't put a lot of time into this for you. Almost 3 hours went into review this and I really hope it helps you improve your story.

“I don’t want to see you again unless if you bring me a new article, I want a new story.

Okay, so this can be two separate sentences divided at the comma. Also, you can delete the word “if.” I’m assuming that was just a typo.

People don’t like any more these actors’ lies; the readers want something new, something real, a story which is alive. I want to surprise them. If you don’t write a new article, no need to show up here again, do you understand?”

So, this entire section is rather muddled. I’m going to recommend that before you submit anything, sit down, read it slowly, and then find the places that you have trouble reading out loud. With this however, I would recommend altering it to something more like: “People don’t want to read any more of these actors’ lies; they’re sick of hear the same sad story about the same sad people. If you don’t write a new article then there’s no need to show up here again. Do you understand?”

This was the voice of the director of the Life’s magazine, he is a 53 years old man, his faces shows that he is sick, he may have diabetes, but sure anger makes him sick because he was breathing hardly after his meeting with the young journalist Lucas.

Okay, so there are quite a few suggestions I want to make in this section because as far as I can see, this can become multiple sentences. So it would be best if it read: “These words were spoken by the director of the Life’s magazine. (for now, I didn’t do any capitalizing because I don’t know the specifics on the titles of things. If ‘the’ is part of the official title, capitalize it. If ‘magazine’ is part of the official title, capitalize that too. Also, you will need to add italics to the official magazine title.”) He’s a 53 year old man with a face that shows sickness, possibly diabetes. But his temper has make him just as sick and his can hardly breathe as he stumbles away from his meeting with the young journalist, Lucas.”

Obviously, I made quite a few changes but its all a matter of making separate ideas just that – separate. I just reviewed a piece last night and the writer had made a habit of adding unnecessary words. Well I’ll give you the same advice: Less can be more. Sometimes scraping certain parts of a story down to the bare minimum can benefit you. All of a sudden, your reader isn’t stumbling over extra details that he or she probably won’t need and they can then focus on the plot of the story. So in your case, I would recommend not using such long, wordy sentences. Break it up and remove words that you don’t need. And sometimes, when you remove words, you’ll find that you won’t have so much trouble creating compound and complex sentences now that you are using phrases and clauses instead of forcing sentences together and forming run-ons.

The director seemed to find difficulties moving, but still, he could reach his medicines in the desk’s corner, the water bottle and took his aspirin with closed eyes.

This here is lacking however. You’ve lost action and again, this is where I remind you to take the time to read things out loud. Ask a friend to read it back to you and listen for mistakes. Sometimes, as writers, we have a habit of reading what we know we meant but not writing it that way. So, here, try: “The director was having difficulties moving yet he managed to reach his medicine at the desk’s corner. Shaking, he grappled for his water bottle, uncapped the plastic lid, and threw back his aspirin with closed eyes.”

Okay, now I want to point out examples of what I meant when I was rambling earlier. For instance that one sentence became two shorter sentences and even then, they both hold significant meaning of there own. Also, I took out a lot of your smaller, less powerful words and replaced them with words that contained more meaning. Lastly, I wanted to point out what I’ve done using one of writing biggest rules: “Show, don’t just tell.”

In the second sentence, I used words like “shaking” and “grappled,” “uncapped” and “threw back.” These words show action, they don’t just describe ‘stuff.’ I would recommend taking time to sit down with a piece of paper and, focusing on one character, write down words that describe how they move function. If your taking about a dancer you words like “leaped” “bound” or “danced” instead of “walked” or “ran.” If your talking about somebody large, use words that just sound like they might be rather large if, you know, words were people. Those are words that I used in the above sentence because the impression I obtained was that the director was a rather large man.

Lucas could say nothing, he has never written a ridiculous article as this one. He went outside feeling upset, his eyes focusing on the ground; he could not raise his face as if all people know about him, as if all of them are talking about his failure.

Okay, from here on out, I think what I’m going to do is just take portions that I feel need some cleaning up and then show you what I would do. Then, if you have any questions, you can PM me. “Lucas couldn’t respond in his defense. He had never written an article as ridiculous as this one. “He shuffled outside with shame on his face, keeping his eyes focused on the ground. He was certain that if he looked up, people would see the word ‘disappointment’ written across his forehead in permanent ink.”

[s]He could not have answers to his mind’s questions; but one point was dominating his thinking, the new story. Where can he find this new story? A real story, a vivid story, a story which will surprise the reader.[/s]

I know I’m starting to seem a little, well, harsh but this is my way of nurturing. I only suggest deleting this because it’s messy and I had to read it almost five times before I could understand it. Sorry I’m mean. However it would best read: “A single thought dominated his mind: a new story. Where would he find a story real and vivid enough to surprise the reader.” There was less to dredge through this time.

It was 9 o’clock pm, Lucas was walking toward the bridge, his eyes still looking on the ground, feeling ashamed and looking for an answer in emptiness. He wasn’t aware about where he was, what his direction is, he was following his foot wherever they guides him. He could not reach any point in his mind, but he was certain that tomorrow he will go back to his boss having in his hands the piece of writing which will earn him his boss’ admiration. He felt enthusiastic imagining this picture.

As a personal suggestion, I find that adding any specific time will weigh a piece down, almost as if you were putting a time limit on things or writing an agenda. Just using words like “late” or “dark” will often do the trick and using adjectives instead of times gives your reader a sense of atmosphere. “It was growing late and Lucas had continued stumbling, unknowingly moving himself towards the bridge. He kept his gaze locked on the ground but his expression slowly grew from one of shame to one of enthusiasm. If he could only find himself a story then tomorrow he could thrust the crisp, freshly written piece into the director’s hands. That would win him a place of admiration.”

“Don’t come nearer, stay where you are.” Said an afraid voice of a woman. Lucas woke up from his dream and realizes that he was in the middle of the old bridge. The voice came again from a 40 years old woman; she was standing on the bridge’s border, focusing her eyes on Lucas. Lucas was shocked by the view in front of him; he was confused about what he’s doing there and who this woman is. He tried to come nearer to ask her who is she, but she started shouting as soon as she saw him coming towards her.

“’Don’t come any closer or I’ll do it. Do you hear me?’ screeched a woman. The sound of her voice shook Lucas back into reality and he realized he was indeed poised in the middle of an old bridge near the source of the screaming, a woman of forty something perched off the bridge’s guard rail. Her eyes were focused on Lucas with a panic-stricken terror in them. Lucas was shocked. He hadn’t the slightest idea as to where he was or why this woman was screaming.”

“I told you stay away from me, or I’ll throw myself from this bridge to the river.” Lucas stood in his place, his eyes fixed on the woman and his mouth shut, he could say nothing.

“’I told you to stay away. If you don’t, I’ll throw myself into the river. I swear I’m not lying. I’ll do it.’ Lucas held still, fixing his eyes on the woman, speechless.”

“I mean what I said, I’ll throw myself from here.” The woman said with a shivering voice and moved one foot from the bridge’s border. At that moment, Lucas realized that she’s really willing to suicide, he wanted to know more about her, [s]he fall back and tried to calm her so that she feels safe and forget this idea of suicide first, and then tell him her story,[/s] he has never been as curious as with this woman, suddenly he wants to know everything about her, and specially the reason why she wants to die, he felt that there was something strange in her story.

“’I mean it. Just stay away,’ the woman whimpered, her voice shivering. She edged her foot closer to the very brink of the bridge where the concrete suddenly ended and thin air began. And at that moment, Lucas knew she was willing to commit suicide. And even more, he knew that he wanted to know more about her. He had never been more curious about anyone then he was about this one woman. More then anything, he knew there was something strange to her story.”




I know I was very harsh about everything. And I know I sort of tore it apart. It's just that, this does definately need to be improved on. You need to remember to take the time to read over everything you've written. Also, before you decide to post anything else, remember to write another two reviews for some one else. It needs to be preportionate. For every piece of writing, you need to have at LEAST two reviews. Any questions, just PM me.