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Hi ZakkuAlpha! Hopefully I can be of some help of you today

Once I was finished reading with this, I became very depressed myself. This is such a sad tale. Why did Riley have to die? *sniffs a bit in frustration* But I guess that is how the way you wanted to protray it.

Now, to start out with, you don't describe things. You just do a whole lot of 'telling'. Really try to break out of that habit and try explaining things instead of just saying: The table is red. Instead say: The light reflected off of the oak table, refracting it's red hue inot the eyes of it's observer. You see the difference?

Also, you don't have any unique characteristics about your characters. They are just like Romeo and Juliet but in space. Make them unique and original. Right now, they are typical. Change that.

Lastly, your plot line. Everything just goes too quickly for me. Slow it down and maybe explain why Riley was put on that planet or why Lisa's father never woke her up when he got on that planet. Those questions need to be answered for the reader to fully understand what you plain to achieve with yoru writing.

I wish you the best of luck with this and if you have any further questions, please let me know ^_^

ZakkuAlpha wrote:Many earth men believe that earth is the only place in the entire universe that has life forms living on it's surface. Those men are idiots [s]and should not be listened too.[/s] [s]For[/s] there are thousands of other lifeforms living in the universe. In one galaxy several light years away from earth there was a small planet. This small planet was covered in luscious green grass and filled with many trees that provided many different kinds of fruit. The planet was only inhabited by two lifeforms that were named Lisa and Riley. They were both humans that had no idea how they ended up on this planet, but they didn't care. They were in love.

*I don't like this repetition of earth. Change one of them.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:Riley woke up early in the morning, the one sun had risen. Their little planet had one sun and no moon, so when the night came they were covered entirely in darkness. He adjusted his body on the bed so he was face to face with Lisa, she was still there. Riley had always had this ((a)) hidden fear that one day he would wake up and Lisa would be gone. He got out of bed, went to his wardrobe, and changed from his night wear to his day clothes. Then Riley went to the kitchen and ate some fruit that Lisa had collected from the trees yesterday.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:Back in the bedroom, Lisa woke up and let out a big yawn. [s]Then[/s] she got out of bed, changed in her day clothes, and went to the kitchen. When Riley noticed Lisa standing at the doorway, he got out of the chair he was sitting on and kissed her.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:“You too.” The two lovers broke apart [s]from their hug[/s] and went to sit at the table. The two both ate their fruit in silence.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:Their tiny planet was only about three hundred feet in diameter[s], which was very small.[/s] It only consisted of their house, a grove of trees, a vegetable garden, a stream, and a hill. The two arrived at the hill after a ten minute walk. They sat atop the hill eating the food that they had brought, Riley had his arm around Lisa. It was strange because they never gained any weight and stayed very healthy from the food that the planet provided for them. They both stared up at the bright sun in the sky.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:After about three hours, they slowly walked away from the hill. When they arrived back at the house, (back to their house.) Lisa found her painting tools and started painting. Riley found his notebook and pen, then began writing poetry. When they first arrived at the house, they found painting utensils and writing supplies. They began using them and found out that they were very skilled, Lisa at painting and Riley at writing. They must have been skilled at these arts in their life before they lost their memory.

ZakkuAlpha wrote:She left me. (italicize this) He began to cry. Riley cried for several hours and then he saw a pocket knife on the bedroom floor. He took the small pocket knife and slowly sliced it on his wrist. Blood came gushing out of the wound and Riley fell into his eternal slumber. “Goodbye my love,” were his last words.

This is going to sound kind of weird but it reminded me of a video game.
I just pictured these two little animated people holding hands and skipping around this little green ball and then all the events that happen in their lives.
I'm not an expert on showing vs. telling but I feel like you're doing a lot of telling here rather than showing and we try to avoid that (There's an article on one of the community boards that has more about this if you're interested).
Things just kind of seemed to randomly happen and it didn't have much of a plot in my opinion. I didn't know the characters very well at all so I felt nothing when they died.
Sorry if I was harsh! Don't get discouraged

-Carly

ZakkuAlpha wrote:In the future of our universe, man had discovered another planet that was able to support human life. Intergalactic travel had become very poplar between the two main earths and some humans even lived on their own small planets. One night, a man was traveling on his small silver spaceship and a terrible danger was going to befall him.

The first sentence seems contradictory to me. You're talking about the future, but using the past tense. Maybe you should say "In the future of our universe, man will discover another planet that can support human life." Also change "poplar" to "popular". Really you need to clean up this entire paragraph because your tenses aren't working they're jumbled and don't fit with talking about the future.

What keeps hitting my ship. Then after a short moment of silence, several objects began crashing against the ship. The loud thuds hinted that it was some sort of hard stone. Mister Rockfall glanced out his window and saw giant rocks hitting him. He was stuck in a meteor shower.

Put "what keeps...." in italics if it's his thoughts. You have to let the readers know.

“Lisa!” He rushed to her, but she didn't awake. She's unconscious. He thought about taking her for medical assistance on the Second Earth but the ship's alarm system started up. Loud alarm bells sounded and scarlet tinted lights began to flicker. Rockfall had to get assistance soon and his destination was only another hour away. He could make it.

Change "she didn't awake" to "she didn't wake".

First off, I'm majorly confused. He's bringing his daughter to another planet so she can see her grandfather, right? But when his ship starts acting up and when she gets a welt on her head she just leaves her? You need to give your characters motivation so your readers won't be drawing question marks. Right now your main character seems mechanical in all the things he does, breathe life into him and flesh him out. Tell us why he wants to bring his daughter here, and show his anguish of leaving her. No father would lave their daughter somewhere unless they were completely desperate, and your character didn't seem desperate at all. He seemed rather cool and collected.


I think this has potential, but it needs to be cleaned up. Add some vivid sensory language and explain your world better so the reader can understand! I hope I helped you.

---Dahlia