Stars

I wrote this when I was really mad at the world.

Please, do mind English ain't my native language. I know I make grammar mistakes. Do point them out, but please, do not be all mean about it.





Stars. I like stars. Love, adore, want to eat etc. I don’t mean the Johnny Depp kind of stars. I mean the ones shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. We must look like filthy, little particles of dust to them. Foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust, too blind to face their problems and take responsibility for their own actions.

Messing up our own planet and blaming others for it. They must be laughing at our ignorance and arrogance. Maybe one leads to the other, I don’t know. But one way or the other they’re connected with each other. Arrogant people are ignorant. People who deny they’re ignorant are arrogant. We’re all ignorant, in our own ways. I’m ignorant. Me in particularly.
Another thing. When did we start to trust technology so damn much? When did we decide that machines, consisting of chips and memory cards, their thinking consisting of nothing but ones and zeroes, are more clever or interesting than human beings? When did we trade rainy days, sitting in front of the chimney playing scrabble in for killing pixels with your Play Station 3?

The closest star to planet Earth, ma’am Sun. What would she be thinking of us? We must look like completely retarded morons. We traded in her loving, warm sunbeams which would caress our skin. It would make us feel beautiful and beloved. When the clouds would fade away and the sun would show its face again, the world would smile. We traded in summer days at the beach, little kids playing in the sand. Little boys building castles, little girls searching for shells near the surf, their little feet being washed by the water every time a wave would hit the beach. We traded it all in for solariums, which UV-radiation will give us cancer and kill us all. God, we’re so naive.

Why are the stars (and Al Gore, but he isn’t taking responsibility at all. He’s putting the blame on someone else and meanwhile he use 6 zillion times as much energy as we do) the only one to see we’re screwing up our planet, with satisfied smiles on our face? What kind of world will we leave behind us once or days have passed. Or, you can ask yourself the question, what world AREN’T we leaving behind us when we’ll be dead and gone. Is there nothing left to safe here? Does truly everyone think banning the problem to tomorrow and live today as if there would never be a tomorrow solves the problem?

The stars, who once glanced proud at our little planet, how the Egyptians built pyramids, Caesar conquering Europe. When we crossed with our ships the Atlantic for the first time. When Leonardi da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa, when Galileo started to study our universe. Later on, when France became a republic for the first time in history. They now look disgusted as us, wondering how the desire of money, power and even more of those two could have made us so blind that we weren’t even able to see what we were doing to our planet and their inhabitants.

Stars. I like stars. The ones that are shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. The foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust. Sill too blind to face our problems and take responsibility for our action and I guess we’ll never learn.

Edited for language not in the piece itself. Cursing is only allowed in the lit. forums within your work itself.
-Mesh

Interesting, and quite well done.
A few grammar errors:

too blind to face their problems and take responsibility for our actions.

Change their to our if you're going to talk in the first person. Don't switch between first and third person, it's messy.

Me in particularly

This should be either "Me in particular" or "Me particularly". However, I'd choose the former.

Another thing. When did we start to trust technology so damn much?

"Another thing: when did we start trusting technology...?"

When did we decide that machines, consisting of chips and memory cards, their thinking consisting of nothing but ones and zeroes, are more clever or interesting than human beings? When did we trade rainy days, sitting in front of the chimney playing scrabble in for killing pixels with your Play Station 3?

This whole bit was awkward...reword entirely.

It would make us feel beautiful and beloved

"Would have made..." ???

You get the picture. There were a few other spelling/grammatical errors throughout, so please, please, PLEASE proofread your work BEFORE you submit. Otherwise, the piece was strong, poignant, and nicely done. Keep writing!

~S.S. Rose

Hi world be very afriad, that's a bit long, perhaps I could call you WBVA? Anyway, I am here to review, seeing as no one else has. I'm glad to see that you have critiqued two works before posting one of your own, Anyway, shall we start:

I wrote this when I was really pissed off at the world.

It's true that writing is one of the best forms of self expression, and one of the best ways to get rid of and portray emotion, but just be careful about posting work that you wrote when you were angry. Many people are opposed to this sort of writing; just so you know.

Stars. I like stars. Love, adore, want to eat etc.

Okay, I feel that want to eat doesn't really fit. It's a bit too informal, if you want to make a piece of writing informal, make sure the informality is consistent.

I don’t mean the Johnny Depp kind of stars. I mean the ones shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. We must look like filthy,

Why did you use a comma here? No need for one here.

little particles of dust to them. Foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust

Now, this is where we realise that you wrote this when angry. One of the things that annoys readers most is repetition in order to get across a point. If you need to do so then you're not doing your job as a writer. Evidently you were trying to depict us as filthy &c. But you've already said that, there's no need to repeat that, just keep the one and nix the second.

, too blind to face their problems and take responsibility for our actions.

You initially refer to us as their, indicating that this is an outsider speaking, then you go on to say our actions, indicating that the person is part of us now, and not an outsider. Confusing, much? Just watch out for mistakes like these that can completely ruin a piece.

Messing up our own planet and blaming others for it. They must be laughing at our ignorance and arrogance. Maybe one leads to the other, I don’t know. But one way or the other they’re connected with each other. Arrogant people are ignorant. People who deny they’re ignorant are arrogant.

Well... actually if you deny ignorance then you probably are ignorant, not arrogant, well... in a way you are arrogant, but you're ignorant too, ignorant of your ignorance, if that makes sense. However, you could be neither. We, as humans can't be stereotyped, everyone's different, so really you can't say that if we're not something we are something else. That's not true.

We’re all ignorant, in our own ways. I’m ignorant. Me in particularly.

There's no y one the end of particular.

Another thing. When did we start to trust technology so damn much? When did we decide that machines, consisting of chips and memory cards, their thinking consisting of nothing but ones and zeroes

I don't think zeros has an e in it.

, are more clever or interesting than human beings?

Eh... who claims that? No one thinks that machines are more interesting or clever than human beings. Quite the opposite actually. Certainly the latter (interesting) Just be careful that you're not making false accusations.

When did we trade rainy days,

Improper use of commas again, perhaps you should check out some articles on commas in the Knowledge base.

sitting in front of the chimney playing scrabble in for killing pixels with your Play Station [s]3[/s]?

People that know me know that I have OCD with using numerical figures instead of written figures. 3 should be three.

The closest star to planet Earth, ma’am Sun. What would she be thinking of us? We must look like completely retarded morons.

We can't really take this seriously when the words you use are so biased, evidently they need to be so in this piece to convey your meaning, but they don't. Contradicting myself? No. You see, your narrator isn't actually biased, it's the thoughts that (s)he is thinking of the other worlds' thoughts that are biased. I am rather confusing. Using words like retard aren't going to make us consider your opinions, just be careful.

We traded in her loving, warm sunbeams which would caress our skin. It would make us feel beautiful and beloved. When the clouds would fade away and the sun would show its face again, the world would smile. We traded in summer days at the beach, little kids playing in the sand. Little boys building castles, little girls searching for shells near the surf, their little feet being washed by the water every time a wave would hit the beach. We traded it all in for solariums, which UV-radiation will give us cancer and kill us all. God, we’re so naive.[/quuote] How so? That's rather controversial. What determines us naive? Perhaps we are becoming mature, by relying upon computers and such, with that I don't agree, but still, Who decides that that's naive?

Why are the stars (and Al Gore, but he isn’t taking responsibility at all. He’s putting the blame on someone else and meanwhile he use [s]6[/s] six zillion times as much energy as we do) the only one to see we’re screwing up our planet, with satisfied smiles on our face? What kind of world will we leave behind us once or

I think you mean our.

days have passed. Or, you can ask yourself the question, what world AREN’T we leaving behind us when we’ll be dead and gone. Is there nothing left to safe here? Does truly everyone think banning the problem to tomorrow and live today as if there would never be a tomorrow solves the problem?

Wow. I'm slightly confused as to your thoughts there. I understand them, I just don't think the writing is very comprehensible, let's try and fix it:
Does everyone think that putting off the problem until tomorrow will help? That way we comprehend your meaning without being lectured or put off.

The stars, who once glanced proud at our little planet, how the Egypptians built pyramids, Caesar conquering Europe. When we crossed with our ships the Atlantic for the first time. When Leonardi da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa, when Galileo started to study our universe. Later on, when France became a republic for the first time in history. They now look disgusted as us, wondering how the desire of money, power and even more of those two could have made us so blind that we weren’t even able to see what we were doing to our planet and their inhabitants.


Stars. I like stars. The ones that are shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. The foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust. Sill too blind to face our problems and take responsibility for our action and I guess we’ll never learn.

It's my dad's birthday today, so I'm off to do the cake just now, but I shall come back and review later

~Kirsten

It wasn't ready yet, so I'm back to review
Now, there were a few grammar errors that I didn't catch, and a few phrasing errors that I didn't catch, but I'm sure some other people will get those, I'm not really a grammar freak, like some others on the site, so I shall leave them their jobs. xD

I kind of liked this. You are evidently a very opinionated person, a lot of which are controversial. I'm not too sure about this.

I am glad that you are extremely opinionated, a rather good quality to possess. However, at times it feels like you are lecturing us and trying to imprint upon us opinions of your own, ones that we won't all want to possess.

Watch your repetition, it can be, at times, extremely infuriating. In writing repetition can be a fantastic technique, but not always. You have to use it in a certain way for it to be effective, not the way you've used it here I'm afraid.

Try studying repetition in literature for a while. Look at how authors use it to gently imprint upon their readers opinions.

Lecturing is one of your main problems in this essay. You said that you wrote it when angry, and you can tell. This is another thing that you should consider studying. A book that I am not too fond of, but most definitely imprints upon us opinions without lecturing us is Northern Lights by Pullman. I loved the philosophical ideas in the book, I just don't like the storyline upon the surface.

Anyway, I enjoyed your opinions, I just think you need to work upon conveying them a bit better.

~Kirsten

*gasp* This is the first time I've reviewed something in the nonfiction board!

World Be Very Afraid wrote:Stars. I like stars. Love, adore, want to eat etc. I don’t mean the Johnny Depp kind of stars. I mean the ones shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. We must look like filthy, little particles of dust to them. Foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust, too blind to face their problems and take responsibility for their own actions.

I like this opening paragraph. I like the voicing and your overall writing style.

World Be Very Afraid wrote:Messing up our own planet and blaming others for it.* They must be laughing at our ignorance and arrogance. Maybe one leads to the other, I don’t know. But one way or the other they’re connected with each other. Arrogant people are ignorant. People who deny they’re ignorant are arrogant. We’re all ignorant, in our own ways. I’m ignorant. Me in particularly. ((particular))

* This sentence needs a subject. Who is messing up the planet?
I liked the ignorant/arrogant thing

World Be Very Afraid wrote:Another thing. When did we start to trust technology so damn much? When did we decide that machines, consisting of chips and memory cards, their thinking consisting of nothing but ones and zeroes, are more clever or interesting than human beings? When did we trade rainy days, sitting in front of the chimney playing scrabble in for killing pixels with your Play Station 3?

I second that motion
It's sad how much we depend on technology these days.
(Ha! I say this as I type on the computer I can't live without. )

World Be Very Afraid wrote:The closest star to planet Earth, ma’am Sun.* What would she be thinking ((think)) of us? We must look like completely retarded morons. We traded [s]in[/s] her loving, warm sunbeams which would caress our skin. It would make us feel beautiful and beloved. When the clouds would fade away and the sun would show its face again, the world would smile. We traded in summer days at the beach, little kids playing in the sand. Little boys building castles, little girls searching for shells near the surf, their little feet being washed by the water every time a wave would hit the beach. We traded it all in for solariums, which ((with)) UV-radiation will give us cancer and kill us all. God, we’re so naive.

* Ma'am? Do you mean Mrs./Miss? Or Madame?
Ma'am works but it's not used very often anymore.

World Be Very Afraid wrote:Why are the stars (and Al Gore, but he isn’t taking responsibility at all. He’s putting the blame on someone else and meanwhile he use 6 zillion times as much energy as we do) the only one to see we’re screwing up our planet, with satisfied smiles on our face? What kind of world will we leave behind us once or days have passed. Or, you can ask yourself the question, what world AREN’T we leaving behind us when we’ll be dead and gone. Is there nothing left to safe here? Does truly everyone think banning the problem to tomorrow and live today as if there would never be a tomorrow solves the problem?

bold phrase: Thank you! I'm not the only one that sees this!

World Be Very Afraid wrote:Stars. I like stars. The ones that are shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet. The foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust. Sill too blind to face our problems and take responsibility for our action and I guess we’ll never learn.

I liked this last paragraph too.

For English not being your first language I thought you wrote extremely well. Seriously.

I liked this piece. It's all completely true too.
I thought you wrote it very well and made valid points without forcing it into our faces. At times it kind of felt like a rant but not really.

I'm gonna give you a gold star for your story about stars!

PM me if you have any questions or need anything!

-Carly

Stars. I like stars. Love, adore, want to eat etc.

"Love to eat" doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence.

I mean the ones shining bright at night, glancing at our little planet.

Since you started the sentence before this one with "I", use another beginning.

We must look like filthy, little particles of dust to them.

The comma isn't needed until there are three words in a list.

Messing up our own planet and blaming others for it.

This isn't a complete sentence.

Another thing. When did we start to trust technology so damn much?

This should be one sentence.

The closest star to planet Earth, ma’am Sun.

There is no verb in this sentence.

Little boys building castles, little girls searching for shells near the surf, their little feet being washed by the water every time a wave would hit the beach.

This isn't a complete sentence.

Or, you can ask yourself the question, what world AREN’T we leaving behind us when we’ll be dead and gone.

"Or" is a conjunction.

Is there nothing left to safe here?

Did you mean to write "save?"

The stars, who once glanced proud at our little planet

It should be "proudly" not "proud".

When we crossed with our ships the Atlantic for the first time. When Leonardi da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa, when Galileo started to study our universe. Later on, when France became a republic for the first time in history.

All of the sentences aren't complete sentences.

They now look disgusted as us

Did you mean to say "at us" instead of "as us?"

The foolish, stupid, filthy, little particles of dust. Sill too blind to face our problems and take responsibility for our action and I guess we’ll never learn.

This should be one sentence.

Overall, the story is good. It is a little hard to understand parts and the sentence structure could be better, but overall it is a interesting story. Keep on writing.

Firstly. The reviewer above is, like myself, a grammar hoar. However, I really do feel that her grammar is so proper that it's missed the point of this work entirely. Conjunctions can quite easily begin a sentence to wonderful effect - just like I started the sentence before this one with 'however'. Incomplete sentences are sometimes what make a story; I thrive off 'em. Therefore: to all those who decide to review this as well, please read it through and get a general 'gist' of what's going on before getting particular. You've got to finish a drawing before you can start adding details...

Secondly. I don't have time to give you a review just yet!! >.< Please PM me as soon as you can so I can return to your work when I have the time

Thankies - bye! x

Thanks for all of your reviews. I'm glad (most?) of you liked it

Also, I thank you a lot for pointing out all of the grammar mistakes - there lots of them.

I know my grammar is a bit messy. Add not being close to fluent with the English language, and a lack of concentration when check reading, and you get... well, a lot of grammar mistakes. I guess I should have been able to detect half of them, though.

Just, thanks