Something I should have appreciated more.

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
Dappled skin from
shadows the blanket leaves.

Our fingers pray.

But slipped through
the loose threads
I tugged at.
Last edited by Faerlan on Fri Mar 06, 2009 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Gender Female
Points 1419
Reviews 28
Hello. :) First of all, appreciated is spelled with two p's. ;)

Okay. This poem leaves me puzzled.

I want to like it. It's very distinctive. But I'm just not finding the meaning of it. It's very short - maybe that's part of the problem? You really haven't used much space to tell us what you're talking about and it seems pretty random.

Here's my line-by-line take on it.

Dappled skin from
shadows the blanket leaves. This is a fragment. Good image, but it's a fragment. You don't seem to follow up on it, either

Our fingers pray. This line intrigues me, but again, you don't seem to follow up on it.

But slipped through
the loose threads
I tugged at. This is another fragment. I have no idea what you're saying here.

There are some things I like about it. I like how the title adds an extra dimension to a very short poem, one that isn't explicitly stated in the poem itself. Also, you obviously have a talent for using language creatively and not falling into cliches.

The problem is that the message of the poem is very hard to get to. That may be because it's too vague, because it's too buried in linguistic eccentricities, or just because you haven't developed it enough. You'll know best what the cause is.

Like I said above, you have some good and interesting lines in your poem. I wish you'd develop them further and go somewhere with them.

I'd be interested in reading a reworked or extended version of this poem; I like your style. Good luck and keep writing!




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
Hi!

*feels silly* I forgot to spellcheck the title, thanks :).

Thank you very much for the review, yes I think the main problem is it is too vague and not long enough. I was trying to develop my style and wanted to see if it could be understood. I was trying not to "connect the dots" too much, but I don't think I connected them enough!

I will definitely go back and develop the poem more.

Thanks again for the review.

Btw. I love your name and your avatar is rather amusing!



For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle