Bryner Academy

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Hey Please tell me what you think about it! Be Harsh I need to know because I want to show my friends and I want to know what you guys think before I have them read it. Here are the first few chapters. I'm thinking of changing Bella's name to something else. THanks!


Chapter 1

Suddenly it hit me, Andy was gone. Andy was gone and he was never coming back. I heard someone say that they were sorry. I nodded without looking up. Why do people say their sorry at funerals. It won’t change anything, no matter how many people say that their sorry it won’t bring Andy back. I stood in front of the casket right behind his mom just like I had done all day. She kept looking down at him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just kept looking at the picture of him under it said his full name Andrew Kaden Sparrow. We had found it so funny when we were little that we had the same first two initials. He is, was my best friend. When I woke up in the hospital bed and they told me that Andy was dead, I felt like all the hope and happiness in the world had been sucked out. How could I be happy when my best friend was there for me to share it with? He had been my best friend since we were two and he pushed me in the baby pool at the community pool and I broke my nose. I know it’s a weird way to meet you’re best friend but he has always been there for me. Anytime anything happened he was the first person I wanted to tell. He the first person to know everything from the first tooth I lost (because he helped me pull it) to the first time a guy asked me out (he wasn’t as excited as I was but he pretended). I wandered outside and stood on the front porch of the funeral home. I looked around I could see the pool where we first met and the pizza place we went to celebrate everything. I saw the park where we played as kids. I saw the swing set where we had our first fight. I wished I could take back every fight that we had ever had. Everywhere I looked I saw something that reminded me of him and I realized that the only way I could possibly keep what little bit of sanity I still had, not that I had much to start with, I would have to leave. I couldn’t stay here.

*****

“I’ve got to go.” I saw a confused look cross my mother’s face. “Go where?” “That school that you and dad went to I’ve decided that I’ve got to go.” She looked at me like I had just told her something like I had won a Noble Prize or something like that. “You really want to go. Wait till your father hears he’ll be so glad. My Bella going to Bryner Academy.” I heard the door open and knew it was my dad home from work. “I’m home.” He yelled like he did everyday when he came home from work. “Come in the living room, Ron!” You could tell that he was confused because we never use my mom’s living room mainly because it doesn’t have a TV. “She wants to go!” I expected my father to be a bit confused. I didn’t know whether it was my mom’s reaction or that my dad didn’t even have to ask what she meant that I was starting to expect that this wasn’t a normal boarding school. “Really, that’s amazing.” Did they really want rid of me that badly?
My parents were whispering to each other so I figured that I would go watch TV for a while, just as I was about to get up my mom starting talking to me. “You should know something before you decide that whether or not you really want to go to Bryner.”



Chapter 2

“Call us as soon as you get to school.”
“Yes, Mom” “I just can’t believe that you’re really going. Are you sure that you really want to go?” This was probably the seventh time that day that my mom had asked me that. “Yes, Mom I’m sure. You won’t even realize I’m gone. I made Brandon promise to keep you extra busy.” Brandon is my eight year old brother. “It’ll be so much quieter without you.” My dad said. “I was never home before.” This was true I had spent about 80% of the last 12 years of my life with Andy.
It was better that I was leaving. Over the past few weeks I realized how much time I had spent with Andy. I didn’t really have any other friends. I mean there were other people that I talked to just none that really got me.
I looked out the window of the airport. It was hard to imagine that this was the last I was going to see of Sunny Los Angeles, California the place that I had lived for my entire life. Bryner Academy was on the complete other side of the country. It’s in Canonsburg which is a little town and the only thing exciting thing that ever happens is they have one of the biggest Fourth of July parades in the state. According to their website they’re 40 minutes away from Pittsburgh. Yes, Pittsburgh the smoky city. If you type Pittsburgh into any search engine you know what you get. Over a thousand websites on how to tell what the hell native Pittsburghers are saying. Also like a million websites about the sports teams. I’m going to die because two weeks ago I was buying clothes on the internet for school and my mom told me that I needed to buy pants and sweaters because it got really cold. Do you know how hard it is to find a parka in L.A.? She made me buy a parka. A PARKA!
“Time to board the plane, Punky” My dad said as he pulled me into hug. Then my mom hugged me. “Remember to call as soon as you get to school.” “Okay, Bye. I Love you.” And I handed my ticket to the flight attendant.
I slept most of the way there. When I was awake I tried to process what my parents had told me that day I decided to go to Bryner Academy. Everyone there had something special that up until now most of us have had ours controlled by a medication. Most of us would still have a low dose of the medication so we could get used to it.
I had to get off somewhere in Kansas and get on another plane to. I got off at the airport at about 4 pm. I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to face a black t-shirt. I know that I’m short but this still surprised me. I looked up to see a guy about 14 with blonde hair that was swept into his eyes, which I could see were so crystal blue that they almost had no color at all. They sparkled as he looked down slightly at me.
“Are you Arabella Gent?” He asked in a voice that was like pure silk. “Uh yeah, you can call me Bella”
“I’m Calden but you can call me Cal. There’s a cab waiting outside.” We walked over to the baggage claim where Cal insisted on carrying my duffel bag for me. It surprised me how easily he could pick it up. I mean it wasn’t any little duffel bag either it was one of those that could fit my 8 year old brother Brandon and it weighed about twice as much as he did.
When we got outside I looked around for the cab but couldn’t see one. I looked over at Cal and noticed that he was walking towards a forest green mini-van. “Wait a sec; I thought you said that there was a cab for us.” He started laughing his laugh was a deep laugh that seemed to echo. I was trying to be mad at him but when he was laughing it was near impossible. “What’s so funny?” Once he finally pulled himself together he said “This is the cab. Well, it’s the closest thing to a cab you’re going to get in Pittsburgh. See.” He pointed at the side of the van. I looked down to see that if in fact read “Green’s Taxi Service”. “Well, Toto we definitely aren’t in L.A. anymore.” I said quietly. As we climbed in the van he asked “Is that where you’re from?” I couldn’t figure what he was talking about. “I’m sorry?” “L.A. is that where you’re from?” I felt so stupid he probably thought that I was the most moronic girl ever. “Oh, yeah, I love it there. The sun, the beach everything it’s all I’ve ever known.” I could picture the beach that was in walking distance from my house. Andy and I had spent most of our time after school at the beach. “Why’d you leave? Clearly Canonsburg is just about as different from L.A. as you can get.”
I didn’t know if I wanted to tell Cal about Andy yet. I wasn’t sure that I wanted many people to know. But I felt like I could trust Cal. I barely knew him. “It’s a long story.” “We’ve got time. With the rush hour traffic it’ll probably take us about an hour and a half to get to the school.” He smiled at me, If we hadn’t been sitting down I don’t think I would have been able to stand because even sitting I felt like my legs were jelly. “Okay but I’m not sure how many people I want to know so promise not to tell anybody.” “Alright, I won’t tell anyone.” “Well, growing up my best friend was Andy Sparrow” I continued telling Cal the story. I even managed to keep it together until the end. “Then one night about 7 months ago we were coming home from a cast party. It was after closing night of our school’s production of “Thoroughly Modern Millie”. I was Millie and Andy was Jimmy Smith. Andy’s older brother Troy was driving. The light turned green and he pulled into the intersection just as a drunk driver ran the red light he hit the passenger’s side of the car where Andy was sitting. I don’t remember anything other than seeing the light turn green then a bright flash of white light. I woke up in a hospital bed 2 hours later. The crash broke Andy’s neck and it killed him instantly. The other car crushed our car and it broke Tim’s rib cage and one of his lungs was punctured but he survived. He’s also paralyzed him from the waist down. He’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. It broke both of my legs, my right arm, my back, my nose and I had a fractured skull. I was lucky to live. I had to learn to walk again. But I still wonder everyday why Andy died and not me. We were sitting beside each other in the backseat. I should’ve died but I didn’t.” I’m not sure if he could understand the last part because I was crying so hard.
I finally pulled myself together. “I’m sorry you probably think that I’m stupid.” “You’ve been through a lot. I kind of understand what you’re going through last year my mom died.” He said. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” I had never cried before this all happened. I saw him blink back tears as if he was used to doing it. I still hadn’t mastered that. “Yeah, but we knew she was going to die when they found they cancer if had spread to most of her body. They tried everything they could but nothing worked.”


Chapter 3

“Look out your window.” I did as I was told and saw that we were driving up a long driveway towards a huge building surrounded by 5 smaller buildings. There were 4 buildings in a circle facing a courtyard with a fountain. We got out of the van inside the courtyard and we were standing in front of one of the brick buildings. The sign on the front said Capporrizzo. It was one of the most gorgeous buildings I had ever seen. It was huge there had to be 4 stories. The taxi van stopped in front of one of the amazing houses. I looked up at it; there was a widow’s walk along the top and bay windows the entire way across the front. “This is our dorm. Like the sign says this is Capporrizzo. The other 3 dorms are Hickman, Rush, and Sisson.” Cal said as we walked in. The inside of the building was even more amazing than the outside. There were two huge staircases leading into different wings of the house. My high tops made almost no noise at all on the hardwood floors. There was a lounge area with a couch and a few chairs around a coffee table. It was elegant but cozy at the same time. “This staircase leads up to the rooms. He said as we walked up the right staircase. We came to the top and I could see a hallway with doors down both sides before it turned off to the right. We walked a ways until he stopped in front of a door with the number 311 on the front in elegant numbers. He handed me a silver skeleton key as he said “Everyone has 2 roommates.” I walked in the room there were 3 twin size beds, 3 chests of drawers, 3 desks, and 3 bookcases. How could so much furniture fit into a room and still have so much space left over? “I’ll let you get unpacked if you need me I’m in room 402 on the guy’s side.” I turned around but he was already gone.
“Knock, Knock!” I turned from my suitcase to see a tall, thin girl with long glossy blonde hair trying to get a huge suitcase on wheels thru the door. “Hi, I’m Olivia. Olivia King but you can call me Liv.” I noticed she had a southern accent. She threw her suitcase with wheels, as well as a duffel bag and 2 other bags on her bed, All the while telling me that she was from Montgomery, Alabama, which explains the accent.
I had been there for about a half hour and was done with unpacking my suitcase. I pulled my laptop out of my bag and plugged it in and started it up. I pulled the remaining suitcase towards the bookcase closest to the bed I had claimed. I opened it and saw all of my books staring up at me. I put them on the shelf in the way they were in my suitcase by preference. “Whoa.” Liv exclaimed I figured it was due to the large suitcase in front of me filled with books but when I turned around I saw that she was looking at my computer screen. I stood up and walked over to my desk where she was standing. I looked at the background. It was Andy and me the night of the accident we had on our makeup but were in our street clothes. We looked so ridiculous in the stage makeup. We had on orange foundation with bright blue eye shadow and thick eye liner that went out past the ends of our eyes. It was to make our eyes stand out and keep us from looking washed out. It was the last picture of us before we went on stage. “He’s so hot. Is he your boyfriend?” Liv asked. “No, he’s my best friend.” I wasn’t ready for everyone to know about Andy just yet. I brought up the slideshow that had played at his viewings. I started with a picture of us when we were 3 and it ended with the last picture anyone ever took of him it was one I took just after they closed the curtain after curtain call. He was laughing and he didn’t know I was taking the picture. It was interesting to hear what Liv was thinking when a new picture came up. She kept thinking that he was cute but she got different things from the pictures like she guessed that he was really into music and that he loved to act. “I should get back to unpacking our roommate should be here in about 10, 9, 8 ...” I heard the sound of the key in the lock. “Hi, I guess I’m the last one to get here aren’t I? I’m Elena. But you guys can call me Leny.” She spoke in a thick Irish accent. She had black hair in a pixie cut that hung into her green eyes. Her features were fairylike and she had a spray of freckles across the bridge of her small slightly upturned nose.

“Someone’s coming.” Liv said as she opened the door. Cal and 2 other guys were standing were walking up to the door. Aleena and I poked our heads out the door. “Damn it which one of you is psychic. I wanted to surprise you guys.” Cal said when he saw us. “Hey Cal, This is Olivia and Elena my roommates.” “These are Ty and Zeke.” He said pointing to each of them in turn.
Ty was tall and built like a house. He had shaggy black that fell into his eyes. His eyes were blue and they got darker as they got closer to the pupil giving them the look of being as deep as the ocean. He was wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and black jean shorts.
Zeke was just as wide as Ty but shorter. His dark brown hair was bleached at the tips that he spiked up. He had chocolate brown eyes so dark that you couldn’t tell where the pupil started. He had on a forest green polo shirt and beige shorts.
“So we were going to go get some pizza in town want to come?” Cal asked.
We walked down the hill and around for a little while just talking. We talked about our powers. Liv could fly as well as seeing the future. Cal could control water and Leny could turn herself and anything she touched invisible and had super hearing. Zeke was a traveler, which meant that if he thought hard enough about someplace then he would find himself there. Ty could control fire, which I thought was one of the coolest powers I’d heard so far.
We walked into the pizza place and squeezed into a booth. We ordered a pizza with pepperoni, sausage, and bacon, which just so happened is my favorite. While we waited for our pizza we amused ourselves by showing off our talents. Ty played with the flame off the candle. He made it float through the air. Cal made our drinks bubble and make whirlpools. Leny predicted things like what people would be wearing when they walk in and where they would sit. Leny made things turn invisible when she touched them and I read Zeke’s minds while he thought different jokes. Once we got our pizza we turned to more normal topics of conversation like home. Olivia talked about her 5 little brothers and sisters. I almost killed Brandon every 5 seconds I wouldn’t be able to handle 4 more of him.
Zeke talked about the different places he had traveled with Football and Hockey. Ty talked about his hockey travels to. They found that they both played center and had actually faced each other in a game before.
“So, Bella where are you from?” “Los Angeles.”
“Nu Uh, you’re so pale you don’t look like someone from California.” “My friend used to joke that I was Barbie’s evil twin.” I laughed. I played with a strand of my hair. “Naturally my hair is almost black and I don’t exactly dress like her either.” I looked down at my clothes I was wearing a black t-shirt with blue jean short that came to my knees and neon green knee socks. My shoes were neon orange high tops with yellow laces. It might be weird to some people but it was normal for me. “I never really thought that Barbie was hot anyway.” I looked up at him to see he was smiling down at me. I couldn’t help finding out what he was thinking.
“Her eyes are really pretty.”
“Your eyes are two different colors?” He stopped walking.
“Yeah, they don’t know why they are.”
“Weird.” “You’re telling me.”

“So Ty, what about you? Where are you from?” I asked as we walked back up the hill to the school. “Born and raised in Canonsburg.” “Really, so what’s the secret?”
“Secret?” “How do they keep the people in Canonsburg from finding out about us?”
He started laughing. He had a deep powerful laugh. “What?”
“It’s pretty easy. The sign out front says Lyle House. If you search that on the internet you get the website for a home for troubled teens. The sweet little innocent people of Canonsburg like to forget we exist. But that’s also why we aren’t allowed to wear anything with the school crest on it outside the campus.”
“Seriously” I started laughing. “Wait don’t they wonder why we only get people at the beginning of school and everyone leaves at the end.”
“No, like I said they like to forget we exist. Every once in a while a group of kids come up to see the troubled teens and we don’t have a problem with repeat business.”
That’s great so those nice people I saw on the sidewalks all think that I’m a troubled teen. Oh, well if it kept them away from this new world I’ve found why not.




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Hey , my name is Stela and I will be reviewing your work. Just so you know, I suck at grammar, but I'll try and do my best on telling you my opinion of the story as a story and the scarce grammar that I'm aware of.

"Why do people say their sorry at funerals. It won’t change anything, no matter how many people say that their sorry " .

In this case, even I noticed the grammar error and that's saying a lot. "Their",doesn't work in this case. It's supposed to be "They are" ,or shortened to "they're" ,their is like saying mine. Get it?
Also ,see how you repeated "their sorry" ,after such a short time? Yeah, doesn't sound that good. Please change it to something else.


" I just kept looking at the picture of him under it said his full name Andrew Kaden Sparrow." - This doesn't really make sense. This would - "I just kept looking at his picture. Under it, his full name was engraved-Andrew Karden Sparrow."- Or something along these lines.

"He the first person to know everything: - He WAS the first person to know everything. The other one doesn't make any sense ,see.

"he helped me pull it) "- In this case it would be "he helped me pull it OUT"

"I looked around I could see the pool where we first met and the pizza place we went to celebrate everything" ---> Either : I looked around. I could see the pool where we first met and the pizza place WHERE we went to celebrate everything. OR "I looked around and I could see the pool where we first met and the pizza place where we went to celebrate everything.

"“I’ve got to go.” I saw a confused look cross my mother’s face. “Go where?” “That school that you and dad went to I’ve decided that I’ve got to go.” She looked at me like I had just told her something like I had won a Noble Prize or something like that. “You really want to go. Wait till your father hears he’ll be so glad. My Bella going to Bryner Academy.” I heard the door open and knew it was my dad home from work. “I’m home.” He yelled like he did everyday when he came home from work. “Come in the living room, Ron!” You could tell that he was confused because we never use my mom’s living room mainly because it doesn’t have a TV. “She wants to go!” I expected my father to be a bit confused. I didn’t know whether it was my mom’s reaction or that my dad didn’t even have to ask what she meant that I was starting to expect that this wasn’t a normal boarding school. “Really, that’s amazing.” Did they really want rid of me that badly? " -You shouldn't cram your conversations in one paragraph.

Do it like this instead.

"“I’ve got to go,” - I saw a confused look cross my mother’s face.

“Go where?”

“That school that you and dad went to I’ve decided that I’ve got to go.

Get it?

Okay..


“You should know something before you decide that whether or not you really want to go to Bryner.”

get rid of the "that" ,it doesn't make sense.

Hold on. before I reviwe any more of this ,I NEED you to fix those simple grammar mistakes. Also ,you've crammed so many conversations in such a small paragraph and sometimes you've made no reference as to who's speaking and who's not. you should work on your descriptions and SLOW down ,the action is going by so fast. Also ,we don't know much about the character. We can hardly figure out her sex until later. Develop your main character a bit more. Like when you say how much pain she's feeling ,say a bit more about that ,maybe. Don't just say they played , say how they played at the beach. Describe the situations. It just seems like you've been rushing through the entire thing.

I do like the plot, though. It's quite good. You just need to do a lot of work on the way you present it.
PM me when you've done that. This is just really hard to read and it would take PAGES to edit everything.




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Hi! I'm Liz and I just felt the need of dropping a few lines to you.

1. I see there is three chapters in one here. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it may be a bit long if you continue this in the future. You should divide it into separate documents as you post. This will make it appear to be not A LOT to read and people may not just continue browsing when they find your story. If it's too long, I don't bother to start reading... Just a little tip there;)

2. There are a few spelling mistakes and a lot of punctuation mistakes here. It doesn't make it impossible to read, just a bit harder than it has to be. Especially, you're missing out on a lot of commas. And don't put a whole conversation into one looooong paragraph. Hit enter every time a new character says something. It makes the whole thing easier to read.

I really, really like the plot. And I can't wait for more of this. Will you PM me when you've added more and edited this? It's really good. All you really need to do is be more alert when it comes to punctuation and spelling.

Keep at it! I can't wait for more:D

Love, Liz <3
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93



The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown