Still debating over title

Just going through a break up and it gave me some ideas ..... so is it good.


Envy is what I feel when I see them together holding hands, and whispering how much they love one another; for not to long ago I was that girl.
Betrayed is how I feel for the girl he is with is my best friend; the one who swore she didn’t like him.
Hurt is what I felt when he told me he loved her and couldn’t live without her; for not to long ago I was the one he couldn’t live without.
Pain is what he caused me to do to myself for the scars will never go away; reminding me always of that lifeless day.
Jealous is what I am of her for she has everything and one I wish I could have once more. The way her chestnut hair falls perfectly at her shoulders, and the way her smile lights up a room draws him even closer. The way her clothes hug her tight exposing every single curve makes him breathless; for she is beautiful and I can’t take it anymore.

Envy is what I feel when I see them together holding hands, and whispering how much they love one another; for not to long ago I was that girl.

Getting your point across but seems a little simple to me, try expounding on this part, give the reader a little more detail. From this paragraph we learn what you were but little more about the relationship.

Pain is what he caused me to do to myself for the scars will never go away

I wonder if this line is meant literally or figuratively?

Seems short overall but evokes mood. Unfortunately little more. Most of all I would file this as a free verse poem not a short story. It seems poetic and with poetry you can get away with simply evoking feelings, try to get the lines in a rhythm and you might have a good piece of poetry here.

like the way you empahsize the first word of the sentence and the mood that comes with it.

Other than that, i am confused with what the story is except that it must be a thriller or something. Is teh girl trying to avenge something or what?

Hello Ashleigh! Have we met? No? Then welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I will be your critique-er today.

Aw... I'm sorry about the break up... it happens to the best of us.

I. NITPICKS

for not to long ago I was that girl.

not too long ago...

for not to long ago

Again, too.

Pain is what he caused me to do to myself

I reckon take the "to do to myself" bit away.

Okay so...

II. TO AND TOO

'to' is in the sense of direction, like going to, giving to etc. 'Too' means as well or too much. Two is a number

III. FEEL

You use it at the beginning of each paragraph, nearly, and because your piece is so short, it's very prominent.

IV. PAST-PRESENT

It might be interesting to look at the feelings before the breakup as well. Blissful - or discontent? As a piece of literature, it's just missing something, and I think it's the fact that we're not really able to connect because we know so little about the people mentioned.

V. OVERALL

I hope you feel better .

Hope I helped, give me a shout if you need anything!

-Stella.