A story about a 15 yr old Photographer and falling in love.

SnapShot!

More chapters to come!!
Chapter 1




Tap tap tap. That’s the sound of my foot tapping anxiously as the clock counts down the last few seconds of this week. 18-17-16-15. . . . I go over in my head what I need for the weekend 14-13-12-11-10. . . .I’m pretty sure I have everything. . . 9-8-7-6. . .I know what I’m missing! How could I forget! My camera. AKA my life line. With out it, I would be a dog without its bone. I would end up chewing on my tail instead. RING! Finally! I stay back a few seconds so I‘m not trampled by everyone getting up from their desks. The minute my foot steps out of the classroom though, my mind begins to wander. What are some ideas of photos I can take? Are there any new angles I can try, not that I haven’t used just about every one in the book. My mind is so full of thoughts that if I were to tip my head upside down words would fall out. That’s why I don’t realize that someone is calling my name until they have to run right next to me. It’s Mr. Prego, known as “Spaghetti Head” when he isn’t around. He’s the school new photography class teacher. He was a p.e. coach before that, if that tells you anything.
“Hey Jamie! I was hoping I would catch you before you left. I was just wondering, do you think that you could take some photos for me?”
It would be nice if you would tell me of what, first. I thought to myself.
“Of what?”
“Of Monday’s basketball game, of course. The girl writing the article about it came to me personally. She asked if I knew anyone that has a good photogenic hand, and guess who popped right into my mind!?”
I could only guess who.
“That new girl that just got transferred, she looks like she would be really good, maybe you should go as-”
“No, you, I would think that a girl as talented as you would know who I was talking about!”
Looks like I’m not doing anything actually worth my while Monday afternoon.
“Uhh..sure..”
“Mkay, great now, the game starts at four. Be there, or be square!”
He left me with my mouth wide open. Of course, only I would be the one who would get “specially” chosen for things like this.

As I start what was supposed to be my five minute walk home, I start taking pictures. Of trash on the ground, of the sun reflecting on a cypress tree. I take a picture of an old man, a little too short of shorts running. Maybe I should delete that one. I crouch down to take a picture of an ant hill, when my cell starts to ring. Its my mom.
“Jamie! You were supposed to be home 30 minutes ago!”
“Take a step outside mom,”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because that’s where I am, I’m taking pictures. I’ll be in in a sec.”
"I've told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking! I don't know how many times I've told you that it's more important to get a good education!"
And she’s off! I don’t know how many times I’ve had to hear this lecture, yeah yeah, I know, school is important. I would rather get up at the crack of dawn to start taking pictures, than sit at a desk and learn about the Revolutionary War.
“Okay Mom, I’ll come inside in one minute, mk?”
“You better, if you don’t, I’m coming outside to get you. My soaps are on, I don’t want to-ooh gotta go! As the World Turns is back on!”
I take a few snapshots and drag myself up the stairs. I try to tiptoe myself past my mom to avoid being hammered down by her daily afternoon survey, but my elephant feet give me away.
“Jamie! How was your test?”
This is what I was hoping to escape.
“Uhm good Mom, I really oughta go. Tons of studying, you know, if you want me to get into a college and leave this house by the time I’m 18. I’ll be down for dinner!”
I place my foot on the step, when my mom asks me the question I’ve been dreading.
“Jamie Brooke Beckham! What did you get on your History test?!”
“74..”
I muttered it, I was pretty sure she didn’t understand me.
“What? You’re muttering.”
I was right.
“74, it was just that I was really stressed and, and it was a pop quiz and, and. . .!!!”
“Then why did you tell me about it this morning, if you knew nothing of it, I mean?”
Busted.
“Sorry mom, I really did study the night before, you even saw me. I thought I had the material down, but it escaped my mind like slippery soap out of my hand. I guess I was just nervous!”
“I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this story from you! It’s like you recite it over and over again until you memorize it. Give me your camera- no taking pictures this weekend. You are to study in your room and do any homework assigned to you for this weekend. After school on Monday, you go to your history teacher and ask him to tutor you. Do you understand me!?”
“Mom! It’s my camera! That’s the one thing that keeps me out of trouble! You should really see the other kids at my school, they’re into drugs and everything! If you take my camera away, I could become one of them! Please don’t take it!”
“I’m sorry, please give it to me. I’ll give it back after school on Monday.”
I hand her the camera and stomp upstairs. Somehow I wish I was still in school.

I flop myself onto my bed. What’s the point of living this weekend? I wish I could go into deep coma and wake up on Tuesday morning, definitely skipping Monday afternoon. Speaking of Monday, there’s something that’s been bugging me since Mom said I have to go to tutoring. Then I remember. The basketball game! Maybe that’s why Mr. Spaghetti head, I mean Progresso, was sent to me. Because some how he knew I would get grounded this weekend, and have to go to tutoring on Monday! I run down stairs, but not before I run into Jake.
“Aww I heard about poor little Jamie! She got her camerwaahh taking away. Do you need a shoulder to cry on? A bag to cover your head with because your so ashamed??”
I hate it when he talks to me in a baby voice. I wonder how we have the same blood running through our veins.
“Why should I waste a bag, when I could use one of those masks you use to cover your face with when you go out in public?”
“Oh, that hurt!”
“That’s what I think every time I see your face. Now move!”
I push him out of the way. Having an older brother is a waste of breathing space.
I rush downstairs, Mom is sitting down doing yoga. She says she does it because having two teenagers and being so “young” gives her wrinkles. She’s breathing in and out so deeply, that I’m almost scared to see what will happen when I tap her on the shoulders.
“OOOOHHHHH,”
It sounds like she’s talking to her dentist when he attempts to have a conversation with her. Here goes nothing. I place my hand on her shoulder.
“OOOHHHH! OOOOHHH MY GOSH JAMIE! What did I tell you about bugging me when I’m meditating!? Unless you want me to wake up with a worry line that won’t go away even with botox injections, I suggest you wait to tell me whatever it is when I’m done.”
“Mom, it’s really important!”
“OH MY GOSH!!! Do you have your first boyfriend! Oh I’m so proud of you! MY little Jame-Jame is growing up so fast!”
“No Mother! It’s about Monday! Now before you tell me you’re not changing your mind will you please listen? Mr. Prego, my Photography teacher, chose me especially, and if I may say, out of the whole class of 30 students he teaches during that block, to take pictures of the game after school on Monday, right when you want me to go to tutoring. Can I go to tutoring on Tuesday instead? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!?”
“Jamie, you know how I feel about changing what I laid my foot down on!”
“Mom, this will help me though! If colleges hear about this, then I could get a major in photography, and maybe even become a professional photographer for National Geographic! Or those magazines you read like Cosmo! So can I?!”
“Yes, but you will go to tutoring on Tuesday. Do you understand me? And if you don’t get a good grade, no an excellent grade, on your next test in History, then you’ll have your camera taken away for so long that you’ll forget how to even take a picture!
“Thank you thank you thank you!”
I still had to go to tutoring, but maybe something will happen at the game….HAHAAA! Just kidding, with my luck all end up tripping into a plate of nachos and my camera getting a picture of it.
I go upstairs to my room. My room has a red comforter, with black walls, and black and white photos on the wall. I call it my “red room.” I sit on my bed, grab my backpack, and take out my books. How could my mother trap me inside during such a nice weekend? I decide to turn on the computer to start my essay about the strength and weaknesses the Americans and British had during the Revolutionary War. Who cares? Yeah I know. It’s an important part of America, but when will a time come when I, Jamie Brooke Beckham, an aspiring professional photographer, going to use it in her near future? I open a Word Document, and start my two page essay.
Both the Americans and British had weaknesses and strengths. . .
When I receive an instant message from my best friend, Valerie.

VALentine_candy (7:58:32 PM) hey do u wanna go to the mall with me and my mom tomorrow?? Shes going thru one of her “stages” again. She feels she needs a whole new wardrobe, when her closet is already exploding with clothes. . .so can u?
R3cip3forPhotography (7:59:45 PM) Ughhh! I can’t! Because of that lame test we had to take in History, and me getting such a horrible grade, at least to my mother, I’m forced to stay home and study. Oh and you want to know what the best part about it is?
VALentine_candy (8:00:16 PM) SHE DID NOTTT!!
R3cip3forPhotography (8:00:45 PM) YUP! No taking pictures for two days, I’m going insane here, it’s been two hours, and I think I already need a straight jacket!
VALentine_candy (8:01:38 PM) im srry, tht sucks. May-b we can go 2 the bball game on Mon.
R3cip3forPhotography (8:01:57 PM) Yeah, I’m already going. Spaghetti Head wants me to take pictures of the game for school newspaper. Well I better go. I could at least try to finish the paper assigned to us this weekend.
VALentine_candy (8:02:18 PM) WE HAD A PAPER? CRAP!! I GOTTA GO 2! BYEEE!
VALentine_candy signed off at 8:02:25 PM

I turn off my computer and suddenly feel exhausted. Who knew boredom could make you tired?

Hi there! I can see you are new here, welcome to YWS!! We are all very nice here, did you already went to the Welcome forum? If you didn't go and introduce yourself, get to know some new people and all the rules...

Now your work :

a)

With out it, I would be a dog without its bone.

Okay, we can understand the message here but the metaphor is strange. Kind of ...i don't know, strange.

b)

Though having a tail would be cool, you know to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while. . .or day.

"Though having a tail would be cool.You know, to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while."
I have a question: How would you hit with "your tail" on your brother's head if, technically the tail is on your but?

c)

I could only “guess” who.

You don't need to use the inverted commas in the word "guess", you don't even need to use it on the word "who" but you can use because it's good like that.

d)

"I’ve told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that it’s more important to get a better education. . .”

"I've told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking! I don't know how many times I've told you that it's more important to get a good education!"

e)

But I would rather get up at the crack of dawn to start taking pictures, than to sit at a desk and learn about the Revolutionary War.

Never use the word "but" in the beginning of a sentence. It's a grammar error. It's a connector that unites 2 simples ideas/phrases into one. Got it?

Overall: I liked the idea and the writing. I'm curious to see where this is going to end. You need to polish you work. I found many punctuation errors and bad phrase construction but I liked it! (See how I use thebut correctly. To unite 2 ideas: I found many punctuation errors and bad phrase construction and I liked it!. It's easy!) The idea it's fresh (the photo stuff part), at least for me, because I LOVE photography.

Keep the good work coming!

Have a lot a fun here, on YWS!

If you need anything, any comment or you just simply want to talk, PM me anytime that I will answer as soon as I can, Okay?!

Be nice for everyone too!!!



Rachel

Hi there I like this story so far- I think you've got a really good beginning here!

Firstly I think you should break up the beginning paragraph. I'd put the countdown and the ring on seperate lines too.

With out it, I would be a dog without its bone. I would end up chewing on my tail instead. Though having a tail would be cool, you know to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while. . .or day.

I like how this is kind of drifitng thought- realistic to what actually goes on in everyones heads I agree with what Shauni said though about hitting your brother on the head with your tail- perhaps you could change it to something about if you were a dog you could bite/ scare/ chase your brother? I understand what you mean with the '... or day.' but I think it would work better with an every before day.

That’s the bell. I might as well stay back a few seconds to avoid being trampled on by everyone trying to leave to start their weekend. The minute my foot steps out of the classroom though, my mind begins to wander.

I don't think you need to say 'thats the bell'- instead something like 'finally!' might work better. I'm not that keen on the second sentence aswell, I'd get rid of it. You could instead say something about the surge of people standing up from their desks.

not that I haven’t used just about every in the book. My mind is so full of thoughts that if I were to tip my head over words would fall out.

You need to add 'one' between every and in the book. I'd add 'upside down' instead of 'over' after tip my head too. I think this is a really nice metaphor

It would be nice if you would tell me of what, first. I thought to myself.

I think it might be clearer to put all thoughts in italics (just my preference).

“No, you, I would think that a girl as talented as you would know I was talking about!”

I think you need to add 'what' between 'Know' and 'I was talking about'.

“Mkay, great now, the game starts at four, be there, or be square!”

I'd change the comma after four to a full stop.

As I start what was supposed to be my five minute walk home, I start taking pictures.

I think you should change one of the starts to 'begin' so as not to use the same word twice.

I take pictures of an old man with too short of shorts running.

I think you need to rephrase this to something like 'I take a picture of an old man, a little too short of shorts, running.' as otherwise the sentence isn't as easy to understand.

Maybe I should delete that one.

I'd put this in italics as one of her thoughts.

“I’ve told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that it’s more important to get a better education. . .”

I agree with Shauni in that I think you should put in exclamation marks.

But I would rather get up at the crack of dawn to start taking pictures, than to sit at a desk and learn about the Revolutionary War.

I'd get rid of the 'but' and the 'to' between 'than' and 'sit'.

I take a few snapshots and drag myself up the stairs.

I'd change 'stairs' to 'front steps' and add 'last' before 'snapshots'.

“Jamie! How was your test”

You've missed out a question mark on the end here.

Tons of studying, you know, if you want me to get into a college and leave this house by the time I’m 18, or so.

I'd get rid of the 'or so' as it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the sentence.

I place my foot on the step, when my mom asks me what I’m dreading to hear.

'asks me the question I've been dreading' might work better than 'asks me what I'm dreading to hear'.

“I don’t know how many times I’ve heard story this from you!

'This' and 'story' need to swap places

Give me your camera, no taking pictures this weekend.

I think this sentence might work better if the comma was a dash.

I hand her the camera and stomp upstairs.

I'd add something between 'I' and 'than' to describe how she hands the camera over- maybe reluctantly? Angrily? Dejectedly?

I flop myself onto my bed.

Instead of 'myself' I'd say down.

I wish I could go into deep coma and wake up on Tuesday morning, and definitely skip Monday afternoon.

I think you could rephrase the last part of this sentence to something like 'definetly skipping Monday afternoon'.

I wonder how we have the same blood in our bodies.

This sentence seems a bit wrong somehow- I'd change it to something like 'same blood running through our veins'.

“That’s what I think every time I see your face, now move”

You need to add a full stop on the end here.

She’s breathing in and out, I’m almost scared to see what will happen when I tap her on the shoulders.

I'd add something like 'so deeply' on the end of 'breathing in an out' as just breathing in and out is something everyone does all the time

“OOOOHHHHH”

You need to add a full stop or comma on the end here.

“OH MY GOSH Do you have your first boyfriend! Oh I’m so proud of you! MY little Jame-Jame is growing up so fast!”

I'd add an exclamation mark on the end of 'OH MY GOSH' and a question mark after 'boyfriend'. I'm not sure why 'MY' is in capitals either- I think the sentence might work better without it like that.

then you’ll have your camera taken away for so long that you’ll forget all your techniques you have for taking pictures!”

I think it might be more effective to say something along the lines of 'you'll forget how to even take a picture!'

Just kidding, with my luck all end up tripping into a plate of nachos and my camera getting a picture of it.

all needs to be I'll.

Jamie Brooke Beckham, an aspiring professional photographer, going to use it in her near future?

There needs to be an 'is' before 'going'.

Both the Americans and British had weaknesses and strengths. . .

I'd put this into italics.

Who knew boredom could make you that way?

Instead of 'that way', 'tired' might work better.

Overall: I'm enjoying your story, I think it has an original begining and I like how the main character has something different about her than anyone else. I think you have done well so far in introducing her and her mum's personalities. Something I would like to hear more on is maybe a bit of description as to how they look but thats about the only overall change to the story I can think of

Sorry this review is so long, quite a bit is just my preference so ignore me if you want Hope I've helped!

Pippiedooda wrote:Hi there I like this story so far- I think you've got a really good beginning here!

Firstly I think you should break up the beginning paragraph. I'd put the countdown and the ring on seperate lines too.

With out it, I would be a dog without its bone. I would end up chewing on my tail instead. Though having a tail would be cool, you know to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while. . .or day.

I like how this is kind of drifitng thought- realistic to what actually goes on in everyones heads I agree with what Shauni said though about hitting your brother on the head with your tail- perhaps you could change it to something about if you were a dog you could bite/ scare/ chase your brother? I understand what you mean with the '... or day.' but I think it would work better with an every before day.

That’s the bell. I might as well stay back a few seconds to avoid being trampled on by everyone trying to leave to start their weekend. The minute my foot steps out of the classroom though, my mind begins to wander.

I don't think you need to say 'thats the bell'- instead something like 'finally!' might work better. I'm not that keen on the second sentence aswell, I'd get rid of it. You could instead say something about the surge of people standing up from their desks.

not that I haven’t used just about every in the book. My mind is so full of thoughts that if I were to tip my head over words would fall out.

You need to add 'one' between every and in the book. I'd add 'upside down' instead of 'over' after tip my head too. I think this is a really nice metaphor

It would be nice if you would tell me of what, first. I thought to myself.

I think it might be clearer to put all thoughts in italics (just my preference).

“No, you, I would think that a girl as talented as you would know I was talking about!”

I think you need to add 'what' between 'Know' and 'I was talking about'.

“Mkay, great now, the game starts at four, be there, or be square!”

I'd change the comma after four to a full stop.

As I start what was supposed to be my five minute walk home, I start taking pictures.

I think you should change one of the starts to 'begin' so as not to use the same word twice.

I take pictures of an old man with too short of shorts running.

I think you need to rephrase this to something like 'I take a picture of an old man, a little too short of shorts, running.' as otherwise the sentence isn't as easy to understand.

Maybe I should delete that one.

I'd put this in italics as one of her thoughts.

“I’ve told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that it’s more important to get a better education. . .”

I agree with Shauni in that I think you should put in exclamation marks.

But I would rather get up at the crack of dawn to start taking pictures, than to sit at a desk and learn about the Revolutionary War.

I'd get rid of the 'but' and the 'to' between 'than' and 'sit'.

I take a few snapshots and drag myself up the stairs.

I'd change 'stairs' to 'front steps' and add 'last' before 'snapshots'.

“Jamie! How was your test”

You've missed out a question mark on the end here.

Tons of studying, you know, if you want me to get into a college and leave this house by the time I’m 18, or so.

I'd get rid of the 'or so' as it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the sentence.

I place my foot on the step, when my mom asks me what I’m dreading to hear.

'asks me the question I've been dreading' might work better than 'asks me what I'm dreading to hear'.

“I don’t know how many times I’ve heard story this from you!

'This' and 'story' need to swap places

Give me your camera, no taking pictures this weekend.

I think this sentence might work better if the comma was a dash.

I hand her the camera and stomp upstairs.

I'd add something between 'I' and 'than' to describe how she hands the camera over- maybe reluctantly? Angrily? Dejectedly?

I flop myself onto my bed.

Instead of 'myself' I'd say down.

I wish I could go into deep coma and wake up on Tuesday morning, and definitely skip Monday afternoon.

I think you could rephrase the last part of this sentence to something like 'definetly skipping Monday afternoon'.

I wonder how we have the same blood in our bodies.

This sentence seems a bit wrong somehow- I'd change it to something like 'same blood running through our veins'.

“That’s what I think every time I see your face, now move”

You need to add a full stop on the end here.

She’s breathing in and out, I’m almost scared to see what will happen when I tap her on the shoulders.

I'd add something like 'so deeply' on the end of 'breathing in an out' as just breathing in and out is something everyone does all the time

“OOOOHHHHH”

You need to add a full stop or comma on the end here.

“OH MY GOSH Do you have your first boyfriend! Oh I’m so proud of you! MY little Jame-Jame is growing up so fast!”

I'd add an exclamation mark on the end of 'OH MY GOSH' and a question mark after 'boyfriend'. I'm not sure why 'MY' is in capitals either- I think the sentence might work better without it like that.

then you’ll have your camera taken away for so long that you’ll forget all your techniques you have for taking pictures!”

I think it might be more effective to say something along the lines of 'you'll forget how to even take a picture!'

Just kidding, with my luck all end up tripping into a plate of nachos and my camera getting a picture of it.

all needs to be I'll.

Jamie Brooke Beckham, an aspiring professional photographer, going to use it in her near future?

There needs to be an 'is' before 'going'.

Both the Americans and British had weaknesses and strengths. . .

I'd put this into italics.

Who knew boredom could make you that way?

Instead of 'that way', 'tired' might work better.

Overall: I'm enjoying your story, I think it has an original begining and I like how the main character has something different about her than anyone else. I think you have done well so far in introducing her and her mum's personalities. Something I would like to hear more on is maybe a bit of description as to how they look but thats about the only overall change to the story I can think of

Sorry this review is so long, quite a bit is just my preference so ignore me if you want Hope I've helped!

haha, thanks for all the tips. I changed a lot of what you told me to.

Shauni wrote:Hi there! I can see you are new here, welcome to YWS!! We are all very nice here, did you already went to the Welcome forum? If you didn't go and introduce yourself, get to know some new people and all the rules...

Now your work :

a)

With out it, I would be a dog without its bone.

Okay, we can understand the message here but the metaphor is strange. Kind of ...i don't know, strange.

b)

Though having a tail would be cool, you know to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while. . .or day.

"Though having a tail would be cool.You know, to hit my brother over the head with it every once in a while."
I have a question: How would you hit with "your tail" on your brother's head if, technically the tail is on your but?

c)

I could only “guess” who.

You don't need to use the inverted commas in the word "guess", you don't even need to use it on the word "who" but you can use because it's good like that.

d)

"I’ve told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that it’s more important to get a better education. . .”

"I've told you this already Jamie, homework before picture taking! I don't know how many times I've told you that it's more important to get a good education!"

e)

But I would rather get up at the crack of dawn to start taking pictures, than to sit at a desk and learn about the Revolutionary War.

Never use the word "but" in the beginning of a sentence. It's a grammar error. It's a connector that unites 2 simples ideas/phrases into one. Got it?

Overall: I liked the idea and the writing. I'm curious to see where this is going to end. You need to polish you work. I found many punctuation errors and bad phrase construction but I liked it! (See how I use thebut correctly. To unite 2 ideas: I found many punctuation errors and bad phrase construction and I liked it!. It's easy!) The idea it's fresh (the photo stuff part), at least for me, because I LOVE photography.

Keep the good work coming!

Have a lot a fun here, on YWS!

If you need anything, any comment or you just simply want to talk, PM me anytime that I will answer as soon as I can, Okay?!

Be nice for everyone too!!!



Rachel

thanks so much for all the tips, they definetely came in handy! Come back and read!!