My First Project

This is my first taster of my Science fiction/thriller/nuclular apocolyptic neo retro futrustic Novel, its the first few pages, if you think it is not worthy to grace your digitalised shelves please say so and i will proceed to ignore you and write it anyway Many Reagards

ARCAUS

Oh by the the way NO PLAUGERISING, i assume you are all above this filthy litirary habit but i've seen it happen.

Hi!

Making a good first impression -- ur doin it rong.

Firstly, you need to review at least two other pieces of work before you post anything of your own. That's because of the Rules.

Also, attaching documents is the wrong way to go about it. Copy and paste the entire document into the text box, so we get the entire thing up here. That's because we're just awesome like that.

Thirdly, if you want to add a comment about your work, don't make an entirely new post to do so, but just edit your first one. There's an edit button in the top right corner. Bumping threadses is bad.

It's kind of frowned upon to put a poll with your literary work. They're more for the Lounge and Randomness.

So, welcome to the site and have fun, and PM anyone in green or purple if you have any questions!

nice to see you all allow for rookie mistakes and also its great to see you read it before you unloaded the negative points......uh-oh no you didn't

Okay everyone sorry this is my YWS aproved version of my first few pages


The tiny, metal box positively reeked of fear; you could smell it a mile off.

And the poor individual that was generating all this fear was firmly planted in the corner of the dense block of darkness, clutching his satchel filled with his dearest belongings.

The room was suffocating, the air thick and stale, it would have only been mildly tolerable without the rapidly heart thumping against his ribcage.

Long and salty tendrils of sweat crawled down his face and every other bare patch of skin. His already dampened boiler-suit was sticky on the inside and cold on the outside, the whole room felt like it was burning, but in reality it was only his nerves. Murmurings and damp footsteps were barely audible past the thin and flaking doorway, the occasional cough or curse was the only clear sound. The figure sat in the corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, hugging them tight, his satchel crumpled in the middle, his watery eyes stared only forwards at the dark expanse.

The door exploded and became a pillar of yellow burning light, the figure in the corner would have screamed if he had air left in his lungs, for it was taken from him by the sensational pain in the back of his eyeballs, like a nail pushing its way inward.

A man, a tall man’s shadow blocked most of the painful light as he strode into the dank and wretched room. His arms hung loosely at his side, his coat, of no discernable colour clung to him like a leech, the shadow scanned the room and the figure held its breath.


The eyes searched, and searched, but could not find the sweaty ball of nerves in the corner; he strode further into the choking abyss that held the figure in its dark steaming fingers. His footsteps were heavy and distinctive, pressing and choking the cold hard ground, his form a sharp and chiselled block, pressing the ground, smelling the air, he was looking so hard and staring hard at everything in the room, the shadows screamed in discomfort as the hunter stared them down. Heavy, firm steps cut through the darkness as if he was cutting them down and they lay bleeding on the metal grates, and as he did so the figures shadows, which had been his cold comfort, were being torn and stripped from him.

The figures heart was beating harder and harder and harder, and harder still, pumping harder and harder and harder, working and slamming against his body, as if it was about to tear out of him, the eyes searched and the heart pumped harder and harder and harder. The hunter stopped dead staring into the corner which hid the figure, if only the figure could see his eyes, to see if he could see him, could he hear his fevered heart beating, thumping, screaming inside him, he could surly never miss the loud and hard THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!.

And he did.

The doorway had thrown the smallest slither of light onto the hunters face, and it was horrible. His mouth, filled with pointed white teeth, grinning in the most blood curdling, skin crawling smile.


The figures skin did indeed crawl.


His frightening smile tore open and a sharper tongue curled round the heated air and produced the foulest voice that could be humanly possible, grating like nails on a chalk-board and nails pushing into your eyes, and sharp like the screaming of the figures heart, and damp on the inside, damp and cold.

“Good…..wonderful”


A pale and sinewy hand thrust forward and seized a sweaty handful of the figures hair and pulled sharply upward, sending a long and painful moan into the room, dragging him across the floor, jerking his hair until tiny beads of blood appeared. He threw him violently into the gleaming hallway, the light burned his eyes and they watered heavily as he laid coughing and moaning in the hallway.

corridor was an abrasive Florissant white, lined with a single red stripe, a similar metal grating lay underfoot, and two men stood looking upon the moaning man, in their hands they held smooth and black objects, and wore a military style uniform, white as the hallway.


“Hiding in storage”


The hunter strode from the room, not light had been shone onto him the prisoner could see in full horror what he had come across. He was tall and lean, we wore a coat that almost covered his pointed teeth and sharp tongue, and his eyes were of no discernable colour, white all over, no pupils at all. The coated stretched downward to meet his military style boots, and black tabard flowing down to his knees, all was black on his person, including the holster on his waist.

looked down at the extremely dusty prisoner with distain, curling his sharp teeth into a smile; he spat hard onto his face and pressed his boot firmly into his temple.

“I’M TIRED OF GAMES!”

hunter screamed his body tensing and his hands clutched to fists, his eyes widened as he drew large amounts of air into body. His veins now were protruding heavily from his neck, the man on the floor squirmed under the boot, and his bloody teeth squeezed out his mangled words, his voice was tired and filled with discomfort.

“Please…..I don’t……know”

the words were just pushed out, filled with wheezing, he was exhausted.

“Liar…filthy liar”

The hunter sneered through his now clenched teeth, he struck him hard with his boot, the man wailed and screamed as fresh blood splattered onto the white, white floor. The hunter was becoming more and more agitated, and the two men with him were indifferent to the violent beating.

“You think that I’m stupid don’t you, that I’m one of your snot nosed lab assistants back in precinct, don’t SCREW with me Isaac”

hunter screamed again, he fidgeted desperately at his holster, muttering curses, he pulled out a sinister looking device and pulled his hand across it forcefully, it made a loud “Clack!” and the two men with the hunter took a step back. Isaac turned onto his back and put his hands up and shuffled away from the hunter.

“Don’t you DARE move you sack of filth!”

the hunter roared and shot out his remaining hand and pulled at Isaac’s hair again, he kneeled down and pressed the end of his weapon into his forehead, Isaac looked at the black object and muttered something under his breath, his eyes widened and stuttered.

“I…s…s…swear, I don’t know anything about it”

he swallowed hard and continued to stare at the weapon as he spoke.

“Don’t shoot me, don’t, please don’t….I swear, please, I don’t know” Isaac muttered this over and over, staring at the weapon, his eyes never leaving its smooth surface; he swallowed hard again and continued his mantra.

The hunter scowled, pressed the weapon harder against him, his eyes filling with anger even further, a tear rolled down Isaac’s face, he started to whimper, and looked this time into the eyes of the hunter, filled with fear and tears.

“I swear, swear to god…don’t shoot me for the love of god, please…Andala”

as soon as he uttered this last word, the hunter stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes fazed forward and he no longer looked at the whimpering, begging Isaac. His hand loosened on the weapon but he did not let go of his captive.

“Don’t call me that…ever again”

His eyes focused back again and he resumed his grip on the weapon, harder than ever. He ground his teeth hard and stood up again; he started to breathe heavily, making angry murmurings. Isaac was pressed up against the wall by the two men with the hunter; He looked into Isaac’s eyes hard and said.

“You did this Isaac, you did it all by yourself, god damn it Isaac, this time you’ve really done it, if I won’t kill you I sure as hell know who will”

he pushed the words forcefully through clenched teeth.

“No…dear god, no” Said Isaac, he was shaking his head in disbelief, he tried to get up but the two men pushed him down again, the tears still rolling down his face. The hunter pointed his weapon at Isaac, looked at him, and looked at his watery eyes.
He fired three times

Another way to make a bad impression: Talking back to a junior moderator. *points at above posts*

^_^

Oh by the the way NO PLAUGERISING, i assume you are all above this filthy litirary habit but i've seen it happen.

Hmm, use spell check before you post, kid. You seem to think very highly of this story...

I'm overly curious in this story now, so I figured I'd review it...

you could smell it a mile off.

Smell is in the present tense -- your story is in the past tense.

Change this to "You could have smelled it from a mile away."

And the poor individual that was generating all this fear

You said the the metal box was reeking of fear... in fact, take out the whole "metal box" first sentence. it doesn't come back, anyway -- it only adds confusion.

The room was suffocating, the air thick and stale, it would have only been mildly tolerable without the rapidly heart thumping against his ribcage.

This line makes no sense. The rapidly heart?
Also, the is specific (it is a definite article), but not specific enough. The heart belongs to the boy, so it is his heart. Be specific.

I would rewrite this line as,
"...his rapidly beating heart thumping against his ribcage."

I've read a lot of things to describe hearts like this. Have fun with your description and be original!

Long and salty tendrils of sweat

Tendrils? Of sweat? Tendrils are solid, like... tentacles. I would change this to something such as "rives" or "streams".

the thin and flaking doorway,

What do you mean the doorway is thin and flaking?

A man, a tall man’s

Take out "A man,", as it it doesn't contribute to anything. It just makes the flow of words choppy.

The eyes searched, and searched

Take out "and search."

First of all, this makes it sound like a children's book -- "And he huffed, and he puffed..."
I assume that he is going to keep searching for the boy. You don't need to tell me he keeps searching...

pressing and choking the cold hard ground

May I ask how one chokes the ground? That makes no sense whatsoever.

and chiselled block

Chilseled. One l.

was looking so hard and staring hard at everything in the room,

Something about your prose is simply awful here. ^_^

Looking so hard? Just take out every things about looking and staring hard... we know he's staring.

figures

Figure's.

The figures heart

Figure's.

was beating harder and harder and harder, and harder still, pumping harder and harder and harder, working and slamming against his body, as if it was about to tear out of him, the eyes searched and the heart pumped harder and harder and harder. The hunter stopped dead staring into the corner which hid the figure, if only the figure could see his eyes, to see if he could see him, could he hear his fevered heart beating,

I think you mean the bows hear here, first of all. Not the "figure's". You only need to say his heart pumped once. This is children's book-ish again.

And he did.

But he didn't... he found him... it should be, "and he didn't."

hunters face

hunter's face.

His mouth, filled with pointed white teeth, grinning in the most blood curdling, skin crawling smile.

This is a sentence fragment unless you add "was" before grinning.

The figures

The figure's. You need an apostrophe when something is possessing the direct object.

figures

Figure's.

“Good…..wonderful”

An ellipse only needs three dots: ...

Change this to,

"Good...wonderful,"

figures

Figure's.

Hmmm, the rest of your errors are basically all the same, so let me tell you what to look out for so you can change it:

-- You don't need to capitalize or use more than one exclamation point to show us someone is loud. It looks amateurish.

Example:

"OH MY GAWSHNESS, BOB!!!!!!!!!" screamed Rob.

Should be...

"Oh my gawshness, Bob!" screamed Rob.

Overall

This was okay. Parts of it got confusing because you change what you called people:

The figure, the hunter, the shadow, the boy. the man -- choose one.

Add some more description as well.

Finally, review your basic knowledge of apostrophes for words that are possessive. That part was horrendous.

Congrats! You've received your first line-by-line review!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Sakura

Well here goes.......*GASP*..... Firstly i used the word tendrils because i am trying to personify, yeah it's allowed, and streams implies a ridiculous amount of sweat which is just stupid. Secondly if you've ever read a decent thriller you'll notice that you can in fact repeat things for emphasis to make it sound better when it's read aloud, and to add to the general dramatic effect, you know....as you do. Thirdly capitals have other purposes apart from beginning sentences, there's no rule saying i can't use capitals to make a speech sound more like shouting, i mean JESUS its a novel not a law binding document, it's okay to use a little bit of stylisation, such as capitals and repetition, i admit i missed a few apostrophes ad other minor technicalities, but no-one has yet to comment on the actual plot, characters, dramatic effect, feelings and other such crucial info, it seems to me that all everyone seems to be doing is competing to have the most grammatically correct and correctly punctuated piece of writing, it seems i could write a story about a duck making his way to the north pole on a helicopter with Santa, and as long as it had 100% correct grammar most would think its bloody brilliant...

Why should grammar matter?

smaur wrote:To answer your question as to why it's important: a couple of reasons. First of all, it helps you become a better writer. Kind of a geeky answer, I know, but it's true. If you correct your mistakes this time, chances are you'll remember how to write it correctly the next time. And being able to use grammar correctly will help you in the future: when you're writing stories, when you're writing professionally, when you're writing resumés (and other work-related things), and when you're writing during school. Trust me, knowing how to spell stuff when writing exams is very, very nice.

Secondly: it reflects your writing a hell of a lot better, and it kind of reflects you. In an age with computer technology and spell checking and online fricking dictionaries, bad grammar just looks sloppy. And sloppy is bad.

Thirdly -- it's good for your readers (and, again, good for you). One of the most unappealing aspects of reading a story (other than bad formatting) is bad grammar. A few typos aren't that bad, but when I'm reading a story for enjoyment's sake, copious bad grammar riddled throughout the entire story is one of the easiest ways to get me to stop. And I know I'm not the only one. So, yeah -- more readers. And more readers (for most writers) is usually a good thing.

The Cliff Notes version is: grammar is good. Use it properly, and we will all thank you for it.

Now, onto the real critique.

So, first of all, dialogue. I won't comment on your use of italics or capitalization, although I do agree with Sakura-but anyway. It's all too overused, I think. Like, "I'll kill you!" "No, don't!" you know? I wish you'd added something a little bit more interesting in there, like possibly a clue as to why Isaac is imprisoned, or what a hunter is in this context. Make it so readers won't be able to put the work down until they find out what's going to happen.

Secondly, your characters. I think you did a very good job of portraying Andala. He's a ruthless torturer, probably high-ish in the ranks of some enemy organization (right?). And Isaac is obviously the poor underdog, the good guy. Except, I really don't care about him. At all. And the readers absolutely must care about your characters, or there's no point in reading. I think this could be easily fixed by letting us in on more of Isaac's feelings, like the sheer terror that he must feel when the hunter is screaming at him, or the slight relief he feels when the gun is loosened from his grip.

Also, using his name more towards the beginning would help with that. It's so much easier to care about a named character than just "the man."

Actually, what would be interesting is if Isaac was so absolutely beaten down and barely alive that he wanted to die. That's pure suggestion, of course, as it's your story, Isaac can do whatever you want him to. But I think it would add an interesting spin on his character.

On description, I think you did a good job. My advice would be to tone it down a little, because it distracts from the action which is more important in this case. Especially, in the beginning. That's where you need to hook the readers the most, and it feels almost too clogged up with words.

Finally, done! Hope the review helps, and also that you'll reconsider editing for grammar, as it is important. If you need more help with it, feel free to ask.

-Mars

Arcaus wrote:Well here goes.......*GASP*..... Firstly i used the word tendrils because i am trying to personify, yeah it's allowed, and streams implies a ridiculous amount of sweat which is just stupid. Secondly if you've ever read a decent thriller you'll notice that you can in fact repeat things for emphasis to make it sound better when it's read aloud, and to add to the general dramatic effect, you know....as you do. Thirdly capitals have other purposes apart from beginning sentences, there's no rule saying i can't use capitals to make a speech sound more like shouting, i mean JESUS its a novel not a law binding document, it's okay to use a little bit of stylisation, such as capitals and repetition, i admit i missed a few apostrophes ad other minor technicalities, but no-one has yet to comment on the actual plot, characters, dramatic effect, feelings and other such crucial info, it seems to me that all everyone seems to be doing is competing to have the most grammatically correct and correctly punctuated piece of writing, it seems i could write a story about a duck making his way to the north pole on a helicopter with Santa, and as long as it had 100% correct grammar most would think its bloody brilliant...

Geez, sorry I took the time to review this.

Review = my opinion. You don't have to take my advice on things such as the tendrils, it was my impression as I read your story.

Grammar is important, because if you don't use it well, your writing will appear amateur-like. Seeing basic grammar mistakes takes away from the writing. You could have the best plot in the world, but if you don't capitalize your I's it looks awful.

Have you ever seen the rubrics for writing competitions? Having good "conventions" (grammar) gives you points. Try writing your SAT essay with horrendous grammar and see how you do.

If you can't take a critique, don't post.

If all the reviews you get say, "I loved this. It was amazing. I worship you." -- you'll never improve as a writer.

I have had insanely nice, "I loved this," reviews of my stories, grammar nit-picky reviews, hateful reviews, plot review... you name it.

Everyone on YWS has something they need to work on as a writer. That's why we joined. I didn't comment on your plot and characterisation because I didn't see anything wrong with them. What was holding you back was your grammar.

Once again, I'm sorry for teaching you something that will improve your writing.

-Sakura

Thanks Sakura and mars

I was looking back on my previous post and i admit it was a little sharp, i understand you were trying to help, i was just getting a little upset since that was my first post and i was being protective, i do think that grammar matters and i was just angry because i thought it was pitch perfect. and Sakura i owe my largest sorry to you, i thought you ignored the plot ect so thats why i way angry.

ARCAUS

Oh and by the way the reason Andala's speech is in itatlics is beacuse is voice is quite alien and i thought it would be good to seperate him from normal sounding speech is all, but if its too much then i'll take it out

Apology accepted. ^_^

YWS can definitely knock you down a few pegs when you first post, can't it?

I'm still overly curious about this story, so I keep checking back to see your replies...

It is fine to use italics to separate Andala's voice from a humans... but it's useless unless your reader is aware of the use of italics to symbolize alien speech. It is barely implied in your story at all that Andala is an alien, so use description to show us how his speech differs. Is it metallic sounding? Does he speak another language? Show me he's an alien by using description.

Keep in mind we readers know nothing about this world. Perhaps you know what Andala sounds like, but I don't. Pretend I don't even know what an alien is.

When you are writing, think "How would I describe this to a person who has never seen/hear it?" Then use description to tell that person (the reader.)

I hope all these little tips are helping.

[quote="Haruno Sakura I'm still overly curious about this story, so I keep checking back to see your replies...

You like it...(Victory Arm Pump) i will keep writing it now, just to prove you....erm...right?

Thankyouuuuuuuu

CHAPTER TWO IS POSTED IN THE SCI-FI SECTION NOW

Alright well I think everyone else did fine jobs reviewing this pieve so I'll just basically so my overview.

You have writing skills, I'll give you that, and are very talented in that sense, but you needs to grasp is fully, hone your skills and vocabulary and make it shape your works into pure gold. I was having a hard time getting through the work, even though it was really well written.

But the storyline is interesting and your wording is beautiful, just fix up how things flow in a sense of catching peoples interests. If you dont you'll lose a lot of readers.

If you need anything else reviewed, just PM me!