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HEY people, how you all doing. So I had this english assignment and, well, this is it. Tell me what you think. Enjoy





The bitter wind went straight to his bones. Not even the weather welcomed him here anymore. He walked down the landing towards the shore. A lot had changed in 20 years. It looked the same, but different. Almost as if the soul of the city had been ripped away, leaving only the empty shells of the buildings behind. He had only heard of the disasters and mayhem the drought had caused. The farming industry had evaporated with the water, regardless of the dark clouds that hung low in the sky day after day. Many of the town’s people thought it to be the omen of destruction. Remiel was not superstisious. His grandfather had always looked for ‘death omens’. Remiel thought of him as an attention seeking old goon who had a strange resembalance to a dessicated koala.

With all this in his mind, Remiel let his long strides lead him to the front doors of the inn. He had to use all his strength and both arms to push the heavy oak doors in to the entrance. He stood in the wide room, dumb struck with deja’ vu. He hastened to the bar, where he could almost hear the laughing and dancing of his memories. He stood in the doorway, almost disappointed to find himself alone. Again.

He slowly looked around the room, glancing at the empty wooden tables, the cold stone walls and the hard floorboards. He didn’t recall it being this bare. Too soon he found himself on the bar stool, still in his world of what once was.

“A customer, you’re a dyin’ breed mate”, remarked a welcoming voice. Remiel jumped out of his skin.

“‘orry mate, didn’ mean ta scare ya”. The bartender was a short man, obviously had dwarven blood in him. However, something was definitely familiar. He was easily in his 60’s, and his white hair and beard shone like strands of silver.

“Ya wanna drink, mate ?”. His gruff voice carried a very distinctive accent. Remiel soon realized who he was, Darc Roughcut, the bartender from 20 years ago, although his hair was ivory black with curls like springs back then. He stood a little higher off the ground, but still, the same Drac.

“Could you get me a shot o’ bourbon?”, Remiel asked as he inconspicuously pulled his coat hood over his head covering most of his face.

“’orry mate, fresh out”, sighed Drac,”but we happen to have some great mead on tap”. He was enthusiastic to sell something.

“How could I refuse?”, Remiel smiled as he discreetly pushed his brown hair over his green eyes.

He was drinking his mead in silence, avoiding eye contact. There was hardly any point in worrying as Drac was busying himself with cleaning and polishing, occasionally forgetting the presence of his customer. Remiel soon fell back into his world of remeniscences. As he gazed at the stripped walls where once curtains and pictures had hung, he noticed the one small photo remaining. The land of Lordaeron in its entirety. The West Falls, Azeroth Cliffs towering high over Tristfal Cove, all the way to Un’Gror forest and Minthost Plains. And, in the left, you could make out the great city Thelsamar.

“When was that taken”, Remiel gestured towards the photo,

“Phft…that’s a tricky one, jus’ shy o’ twen’y years, I’d say”, Drac opined,“back when the sun shone 18 hours a day ‘nd th’ water was a spectacular blue, nut this black crap we gut taday”.

”The city seem bigger back then too”, Remiel pointed out,
“Yeah, we was a city back then”,

“So is Thelsamar a town now, or a large village?”, Remiel inquired.

Drac laughed “Look aroun’ lad, we is little more than a graveyard”.

Remiel couldn’t help but be amused. The world could be turned upside-down but Drac’s blunt humor would still shine through.

“Well’, Drac continued “The books and maps say we’re a city, bu’ we aint even got a butcher, baker or candle stick maker between us. Everyone who could leave has, only us ol’ buggers who can’t afford anywheres else”, he sighed.

“Who else is left”, Remiel dared question once more.

“Umm…let’s see, mainly the oldies, the drought got rid o’ anyone that still had money. Most o’ the young kids went to war, everyone else, well, one way or anutha they got out o’ here”, Drac half mumbled in deep thought.

“All exept one group o’ kids, they went across to the Minthos plains to try find th’ cause of the ‘omen problem’, Smart bunch, they had always been friends, they cam’ up with this explaintion sayin’ the ‘bad omens’ were scientific. ‘Course a lot o’ people round here don’t like tha’ mumbo jumbo”, he finished.

Remiel looked up for the first time, “Really”, he exclaimed. “You remember any names?”

“Well…Yanni was the smart one, Gaskel was the rational one, Tannok was a bit of a lariken and Rem was the explorer, but I don’t think he went with them”.

Remiel was amazed his name was remembered, and that his friends were not too far away. Well, not as far as he was used to them being. “You wouldn’t know where abouts they’d be would you?”, Remiel was eager to find them.

Drac looked up and raised an eyebrow “I’d say Tannok’s mother would. Why what’s it ta you?”, he glared. “You work for a paper or somethin’?”

“Nahh, nothing that flash, I’m just curious about the omen”, Remiel replied quickly, hoping Drac would buy his explanation.

“Well it explains why you’re here”, Drac lightened up again.




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This was for your english? Wow, that's pretty cool. I wish my english would let me write stories instead of stupid essays. But whatever. It was a really interesting story and I enjoyed reading it. You should write more to it. I would like to know why the land is dark and what is going on and why Remiel doesn't want anyone to recongize him.

However, I did notice a few grammer errors. When your characters are speaking, the comma is supposed to go inside the punctuation marks. And also, for example, this:

“Could you get me a shot o’ bourbon?”, Remiel asked as he inconspicuously pulled his coat hood over his head covering most of his face.


If there is a question mark or exclamation mark, you don't need a comma afterwards.

And this:

“Who else is left”, Remiel dared question once more.


The comma should be gone and replaced with a question mark on the inside of the punctuation marks.

“A customer, you’re a dyin’ breed mate”, remarked a welcoming voice. Remiel jumped out of his skin


I don't like that last sentence. Perhaps if you said 'The voice startled Remiel so much me nearly jumped out of his skin." Of course that isn't great either but you get what I mean.

I'm not sure if you wanted anyone to pick your work apart, but I had fun doing it and I hope those little tips helped. PM me if you do decide to add more. You got me intrigued now.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Thanks so much, yeah,I know, my grammers pretty bad :P:P.

My teacher told me to continue the story, but i dont really know where its going. I figure I'll keep working on it untill I get it right. anyways, thanks for the feedback, I'll let you know when i get the next part together.

cheers :D:D




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He had to use all his strength and both arms to push the heavy oak doors in to the entrance


I don't think this sounds quite right to me. I kind of think it should be: "He had to use all his strength and both arms to push open the heavy doors that led to the entrance." or something like that.
- - -
"A customer, you’re a dyin’ breed mate”, remarked a welcoming voice.


I think you should have maybe a split in here, or an exclamation mark... or something. "A customer!" remarked a welcoming voice. "You're a dyin' breed, mate."
- - -
The land of Lordaeron in its entirety. The West Falls, Azeroth Cliffs towering high over Tristfal Cove, all the way to Un’Gror forest and Minthost Plains. And, in the left, you could make out the great city Thelsamar.


These city names... they sound familiar... ;)
- - -

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Like Meadowlark, I have no idea if you wanted us to pick this apart. I got a good laugh when I read the names you have in there. They sounded familier to me ;) I know where they're from. Anyways, I think you can continue on with this. There's enough opening to do so. I'm curious though-- what is he? Human, dwarf-- like the bartender, elf... or what? Anyways, I'll try to keep an eye on this story.

LaReina!
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."

-- Oscar Wilde




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I enjoyed the plot alot, I like the character Remiel but I especially like the bartender and his accent, reminded me of an irish accent. I don't really have any criticism to tell you the truth, could not find any fault with it haha! Are you thinking of continuing the story? If you were I would definitely read the rest, it sort of gave me a 'lord of the rings' or 'eragon' feel. Great work! :D




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lol, thanks everyone, im glad you picked it apart, in a funny way i find this more helpful than most of my english teachers. I am considering writing more on this story, but i have very little idea of where its heading, and im trying not to let it become overly cliche, so any ideas are very welcome.

and yes, i admit, a few of the names are very similar to thoses from books...songs..maybe popular online virtual reality, :P:P lol

but yer, so thanks everyone.

Cheers

Lucy



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind