The tongue’s eyes open only in a kiss.
When lashes flutter closed he at last achieves sight.
This intrepid explorer encounters his bliss
Whilst floundering deep in the breadth of your kiss.
Last edited by jacquelinemi on Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
Wow! This is one of the only short poems that I actually liked. The problem with short poems is that you don't get the same amount of meaning and depth as you might in a long poem, but that's not the case here. Your choice of words was incredible. The only thing that you could maybe work on was rhythm; it was a little shaky in some parts.
But other than that... Flawless.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I've been at MIT for a while, drowning in all the technical subject matter, and hadn't revisited my poetry in ages. In light of that, it feels great to get positive feedback.
pretty good. a bit short, but that's alright. you might want to think of making longer poems in the future. and the rhythm was a bit shaky in the second line. it does read well with the first line, so you might think of revising that. other than that, it was solid. appropriate use of vocabulary, decent subject matter... basically, it was alright, but very hard to judge, because of it's lack of length. keep on writing.
Pax,
zalarus
I'll tell you this -
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.
You sound like a hillbilly,
We want folk singers here.