Not sure (Any ideas?)

Chapter 1: Nightmares

The long dusty road seemed to never end the fog was so thick you couldn’t see an inch in front of you, there was rubbish everywhere and there was glass scattered all along the side of the path which she had to avoid.
She was cold and her hands were slowly going purple she could just feel the tips of her fingers, she was terrified. How did she get here? Why was she here? And where was everyone?
She stepped over broken bottles that had been chucked on the ground, and kept walking she couldn’t stop. Around her was no one, the fog started to clear, and she could see in front of her, it was a horrible sight windows of shops were smashed cars were abandoned, she felt sick in her stomach. Her arms and legs were so tied and cold, she could hardly move another inch, but she knew she had to, she was here for a reason and she had to find out what it was. She walked forward another couple of steps climbing over a tree stump, and still avoiding the glass on the ground.
“Where am I?” She screamed at the top of her voice.
At that moment she couldn’t handle it any more she fell to the ground and broke out in a burst of sobs.
“Is anyone out there?” She yelled trying to make it louder than she had before.

“Christen.” Someone yelled from behind her.
Her face lit up.
“Hello, I’m over here, help me.” She screamed while wiping the fresh tears from her face.
Someone shook her from behind she spun round, to be face to face with her mum.
“Christen………. honey.”
Everything was fading around me, the fog was disappearing, and what had been cars and shops, turned into a desk and my lamp.
It was dark and my mums face looked panicked.
“Honey,” she shook me again “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
I was still trying to figure out what had happened, was I dreaming?
I stared into mums bright blue eyes, and saw the panick that had disappeared, now that my eyes were open.
“Honey, you were crying what wrong?”
I stared up into her eyes for a minute not knowing if I could speak.
“A b..b…bad dream.” I stumbled out.
“Oh okay, well you wont get it again, hopefully, you can still sleep some more.” She kissed me on the head and walked out.
I was still so confused about my dream, it felt so real. The girl looked like me, but I was watching her. I wanted to think about it a lot more but I so tied, I felt myself slip into unconsciousness.

Hey, borntoshop!

Looks like you're new! That's exciting. ^_^ Just one thing--make sure you post a few more reviews before you post any more of your work. A 2:1 ratio is mandatory, and of course, the more reviews you do, the more people love you!

Because you're new (and because I've never read any of your stuff before), I'm just going to do a very general review with advice that you can apply to any of your existing body of work. And hopefully, if you continue to stick around, I'll read some more of your stuff! Here, it looks like you have a good start. You know how to begin a story--with some action, with something happening. It's kind of nice to see a teenaged character that likes their parents. That's something that stood out in my mind right away--usually they're whiny brats, when most parents aren't terrible, particularly in the having-a-bad-dream department.

Some tips:

- Make sure that your opening line sparkles, because it's the first impression that we get for your writing style. While this first line is a good piece of description, it doesn't do its nearly-impossible first line task of summing up what you stand for as a writer and what this story stands for as a piece of work. What else could you say instead?

- You tend to have very long winded sentences, which are aided by commas, because most people don't know quite where to stop in their head, because their sentences are so long! ^_~ Take for example:

Around her was no one, the fog started to clear, and she could see in front of her, it was a horrible sight windows of shops were smashed cars were abandoned, she felt sick in her stomach.

This is five (technically six) clauses long, and most of them are independent. Generally speaking, you don't want to have that many clauses in there that could stand alone--you need a mixture of the two for your writing to sound interesting. Instead, you could do something like:

There was no one around her. The fog started to clear, and she could begin to see in front of her--it was a horrible sight. The windows of shops were smashed and cars were abandoned. She felt sick to her stomach.

Beyond sounding more interesting because I've played around with the order of it, it helps the mood to have a more concise feel--long, rambling sentences do a good job of portraying a character that's scatterbrained or afraid, but in order to do that latter bit, you need a bit more ethereal scenery. Sound confusing? In quick and dirty terms: making shorter sentences read easier, and can create suspense if you use them properly.

-

I felt myself slip into unconsciousness.

Avoid using clichèd language, especially as your ending--on a writing site like this, this is probably the last impression that I'll have of your writing for a few days. You want it to be a good one! So instead, use some more original language and phrasing. If you write something down and have a nagging suspicion that you've heard it before, it's better to be safe and tweak it a little to sound more interesting.

__

Thanks for the read, borntoshop! Let me know if you have any questions, and definitely let me know if you put anything else up that you'd like me to take a look at. ^_^

Hi borntoshop.
Welcome to YWS. I know you might've heard this, but there is a 2:1 ratio on reviews that is mandatory. And I'll do a simpler review on you.

I see that you do a lot of runon sentences. For examle:

The long dusty road seemed to never end the fog was so thick you couldn’t see an inch in front of you, there was rubbish everywhere and there was glass scattered all along the side of the path which she had to avoid.

You should probably a few periods and maybe a semicolon.

Around her was no one, the fog started to clear, and she could see in front of her, it was a horrible sight windows of shops were smashed cars were abandoned, she felt sick in her stomach.

Again here, you probably shouldn't have so many commas. Break it up into a few sentences instead of one big runon.

Another thing to workon are some typos and some punctuation things.

Her arms and legs were so tied and cold, she could hardly move another inch, but she knew she had to, she was here for a reason and she had to find out what it was

Are you saying that her arms and legs are tied up, or she's just tired?

It was dark and my mums face looked panicked

It should be my mum's face. Make sure you add those apostrophies.

I hope this small critique helped. If you want a complete edit, with all the stuff edited, PM me and let me know. This is really good. I hope you write more! Till then,

Lucy Pennykettle

Hi, borntoshop!

Okay, overall this piece needs a lot of revision. Your sentences are long, so long, and are desperately in need of some commas, semicolons, and downright full stops. Take the first sentence for example:

The long dusty road seemed to never end the fog was so thick you couldn’t see an inch in front of you, there was rubbish everywhere and there was glass scattered all along the side of the path which she had to avoid.

First of all, this is completely grammatically incorrect. Second of all, short, simple statements can sometimes make a bigger impact than ones that go on forever. If I were you, I would make that sentence look more like this:

The long, (comma here) dusty road seemed never ending (never ending flows better here) . (Period here) The fog was so thick you couldn't see an inch in front of you, and there was rubbish everywhere. (period!) Glass was scattered all along the side of the path; (a semicolon works nicely here) she had to step carefully to avoid it (this phrase or something along the lines of this phrase would sound better than "which she had to avoid". Show the reader exactly how she must avoid the glass).

As you can see, breaking up this long sentence is simply easier to read. Most of the sentences in this chapter could use reworking along similar means.

You also have a few spelling mistakes. Make sure to proofread your work before you post it on YWS.

“Christen.” Someone yelled from behind her.

Really? Someone was yelling? This is a major pet peeve of mine: misused punctuation on dialogue. I'll show you another mistake and then I'll take you into punctuation 101.

“A b..b…bad dream.” I stumbled out.

Alright. When using quotation marks, if you want the end of the dialogue to be a complete stop, don't use a period if you're using a "she said" or "he said" or "they yelled" etc. Use a comma instead. For example:

"A b..b...bad dream." I stumbled out
would become
"A b...b...bad dream," I stumbled out.

Using this proper grammar, you will also eliminate this sort of mistake:

"Blah blah blah." She said.
She should not be capitalized, but is because a period was used.
The correct version would read: "Blah blah blah," she said.

Back to the yelling one...if someone is yelling, it means they are loud. The punctuation mark signifying loud is an exclamation mark:
"YAY!" she yelled.
Again, the "she yelled" or "he shouted" or "they exclaimed" etc should not begin with a capital letter if it is following the quotation mark.

Using a question mark is the same way:
"Why?" she asked.
Not:
"Why?" She asked.
Or, my least favorite:
"Why" she asked?

If you follow these rules, you should be set on punctuation for dialogue!

Overall, this chapter has potential. I was confused when the POV changed...perhaps you should clarify that a little more. The whole chapter could use some fleshing out--you want to really drag the reader in. The first chapter should leave the reader wanting more.

Keep writing!

-Cassie