The Elemental Warriors

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Taking a deep breath Mizu took a step out onto the pond in her parents sacred garden. Her foot sank about an inch below the cold surface before being stopped, but not by the deep pond’s bottom. Without trying to get overexcited about her accomplishment she placed her second foot on the water and it held firm. Finally, Mizu thought to herself. I finally have mastered the Water Walking technique.

She looked down and saw her reflection on the water’s surface. She saw a beautiful girl of only sixteen years staring back at her. The girl’s eyes were as blue as the ocean, skin the color of the soft sand on the beach, hair as black as the night, a robe as blue as her eyes, and the rough features of trained Warrior. She saw a girl who was also a Master Sea Serpent Warrior, making her in complete control of her Element: Water. But this girl was not her. This girl was what her parents wanted her to be, and not some lecherous lord.

“Mizu!” called a voice in the distance making her lose her concentration. She felt the water give and the water rush up to meet her as she sank in past her head. She climbed out of the pool soaking wet and saw her brother, Imaroo, standing in front of her with a guilty look on his face. He resembled his sister a lot except he did not the for the features of a strong warrior. “Sorry Sis, didn’t know you were practicing.”

“It’s fine,” Mizu grumbled, draining the water from her robes. “What do you want?”

“Papa sent me to find you,” Imaroo said.

“Did he say what he wanted?” Yira asked while drying her hair on a rough green cloth.

“No, he just said for you to come quickly. He also says to bring Umi.”

“Why would I need to bring Umi?” Mizu thought about and then cursed silently to herself. She knew that the only time Umi, a mystical blade used only by Sea Serpent Warriors, was only used in times of war. That must mean . . .Dammit! She ran into the house and raced down the wooden corridor towards the family shrine where Umi was held. The servants all bowed to her and whispered, “Greetings, Lady Mizu,” as she ran by.

Stopping in front of the a sliding panel door, she pulled it open to reveal her family shrine and there on the alter lay the katana Umi. She picked up the sword with it’s blade that was bluer than any ocean and sharper than any other sword. She retrieved the seaweed green scabbard and returned Umi to it’s home before trying it the cloth belt at her waist.

Heading out of the shrine she went the opposite way she came through another sliding door at the end. Bowing lightly before the paper paneled door, she said, “You asked to see me, father?”

“Did you bring Umi with you?” asked a rough voice from the other side of the door.

“Yes, father,” Mizu replied, kneeling and placing Umi on the floor before. “Is it as I have guessed father? Has war come to the regions?”

“I’m afraid so, my daughter,” her father answered sadly. They have called on all four of the Warriors to fight. Already a force of a hundred thousand troops have been called to the Western border.”

“So, the Yoijians have finally attacked?”

“It would seem so.” I deep rustling came from behind the door as her father moved around to a comfortable position. “I’ve had a horse prepared for your journey. It will be saddled with enough supplies and a map showing you the way to the army’s camp. There you will find the other Warriors.”

“I will make haste, Father,” Mizu sad touching her head to the floor.

She grabbed Umi and stood. She was about ready to walk away when her father said, “Be careful, Mizu. While you may despise your mother and I for putting you through this just know that we love and we want to see you come home.”

Trying not cry, Mizu turned around and ran out of the house and towards unknown future.
Last edited by Pendragon on Sun Feb 08, 2009 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hiya! I don't think I've seen you before. Nice to meet you!

Without trying to get overexcited about her accomplishment she placed her second foot on the water and it held firm.


This sentence looses it's effect by being so long. I would delete the "and" after "water" and replace it with a period.

Yira thought to herself.


Unless she is telepathic, delete "to herself."

Also, you have changed her name. At first it was "Mizu" and here it's "Yira."


She saw a girl who was also a Master Sea Serpent Warrior, making her in complete control of her Element: Water. But this girl was not her. This girl was what her parents wanted her to be, and not some lecherous lord.


This part of the description gets me a little confused. You're doing a flash-forward about what Mizu wants to be, or her parents want her to be, but because you have used the same pronoun to describe Mizu then it gets confusing.

Also, the colon use threw me. You could replace it with a comma.


He resembled his sister a lot except he did not the for the features of a strong warrior.


You're canceling yourself out here by saying they look alike and then they don't. Perhaps if you list the features they share and then say how she looks like a warrior and he doesn't it would make more sense.

"Why would I need to bring Umi?” Mizu thought about and then cursed silently to herself.


Loose the quotation marks around the thoughts and replace them with italics.

Stopping in front of the a sliding panel door, she pulled it open to reveal her family shrine and there on the alter lay the katana Umi.


You could stand to break this sentence up by replacing "and" with a period.

~

Sentences- So, you have a lot of sentences that are really long. I praise you for making them grammatically correct, but long sentences are hard to read and loose emphasis. Go through this entire piece after about a month and see which sentences are hard to understand. Break those ones up.

Situation- I'm a touch confused as to why the daughter is being sent on this mission instead of her parents. I mean, shouldn't they be more experienced then her? After all, you said she had just mastered the Water-Walking technique. Spend a lot of time explaining why it's her and not somebody else being sent.

World- This world looks very interesting. I'm guessing it's based on China or Japan. Those are not countries I see often in fantasy, and it will be nice to see how this one is done!

I do , however, think you could show us a bit more of the class your MC is in. What do her robes look like? How do her parents rank in the nobility?

Overall- A very interesting idea that I think you should follow! Let me know when more is up!

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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well, i am not very good with grammar so no helping you there for me, and the few i caught rosey stated already. So i will just say my likes and dislikes of this.

Likes-
I liked the elemental control subject ( i love that stuff write it in almost all my stuff)
the title and beginning drew me in
Had description
it was interesting

Dislikes-
it felt rushed to me, i think you should have put in some more stuff before the water walk part and her mission.
it was confusing at parts, in the way you wrote it.

But all in all i really liked it and would like to read more




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This drew me in right away. It was interesting, and like Rosey above, I assume it is in China or Japan? You had plenty of description, although some sentences were quite long. I love the fact that you are using the Elements in your story. That just makes it a whole lot more exciting. I also noticed that first her name was Mizu and then Yira at the beginning there. That was just a little confusing. Above all: I'm very curious to know what happens next and keep up the good work. You have a wonderful story line already. Do PM when you post more.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"



That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon