So Wrong But So Right

Chapter 1: Confessions

Dear Diary,
I'm 14 years old and a freshman at Parkway South. I don't really have much friends, just a few best friends who help me through everything. There's this guy at school, Shawn Foust... oh my god, he is so dreamy... but that's all he is. A dream. I mean, I would would never have a chance with him. He was the most popular guy in middle school, since he was the star of the eighth grade football team... He plays so many other sports too, and all of the popular girls like him, too. I have no chance compared to them. Seriously, what could such a dreamy guy like Shawn see in an unpopular girl like me? All of the popular girls are rich and have all kinds of fancy things. But me? Everything I have is average.

All I really want is to be accepted and recognized for who I am... Emma Scott.

--Emma

Shawn

Hi,

I'm Shawn. Shawn Foust. I go to Parkway South High School, and I'm a freshman. I'm 14, pretty athletic (I play a lot of sports). I was the top player on the football team last year, but now that I'm in high school, I plan to make it to varsity by next year. I wrestle and play baseball and plan to go to varsity in both of those too.

Throughout middle school, I was known as the "most popular guy" in school. All the guys wanted to be like me because I was "talented" and a "chick-magnet". I just wanted to be seen as Shawn Foust, not "Oh he's the most popular guy in school" or "he's the captain of the football team." I just want to be me, seen as a regular guy... and, honestly, having all of the girls like you isn't a bad thing unless the girls don't like you for you and like you for what you are. They seem to think that if they can get with you, they'll be more popular than the other girls. They want you for status and popularity... not for who you really are.

Look at it this way: If I were just a regular guy who didn't play any sports and I just went to school and hung out with my friends, the girls wouldn't really notice me. But when you're at the top of the school, you're labeled. As the "popular guy", "the football captain", "ladies man" and so on. You're not known for yourself... you're someone else. I want to find the girl that will accept me for who I am. Not for my status or popularity.

Hola there! June here!

Wonderful! I have the honor of being your first critic (or critiquer as they say around here). Anyway! Seeing that I have already tortured it, I think I shall review it instead of chopping it up more.

To be honest, I don't like romantic fiction. At all. I can't stand it, I never read it and blah. It's a really good thing you didn't tell me this was romantic fiction, or I would have never come near it XD.

But! Ironically, I like this. I love where it's going. The details are brief, but they are satisfying enough-- you're not overloading us with too many extra details, so it's great.

(You might want to clarify that Shawn is writing in a blog, though)


Keep writing! I love it *stars*

See you at the next chapter!

June

psouth wrote:Chapter 1: Confessions

Dear Diary,
I'm 14 years old and a freshman at Parkway South. I don't really have [s]much[/s] many friends, just a few best friends who help me through everything. There's this guy at school, Shawn Foust... oh my god, he is so dreamy... but that's all he is. A dream. I mean, I would would never have a chance with him. He was the most popular guy in middle school, since he was the star of the eighth grade football team. He plays so many other sports too, and all of the popular girls like him. I have no chance compared to them. Seriously, what could such a dreamy guy like Shawn see in an unpopular girl like me? All of the popular girls are rich and have all kinds of fancy things. But me? Everything I have is average.

All I really want is to be accepted and recognized for who I am... Emma Scott.

--Emma

Shawn

Hi,

I'm Shawn. Shawn Foust. I go to Parkway South High School, and I'm a freshman. I'm 14, pretty athletic (I play a lot of sports). I was the top player on the football team last year, but now that I'm in high school, I plan to make it to varsity by next year. I wrestle and play baseball and plan to go to varsity in both of those too.

Throughout middle school, I was known as the "most popular guy" in school. All the guys wanted to be like me because I was "talented" and a "chick-magnet". I just wanted to be seen as Shawn Foust, not "Oh he's the most popular guy in school" or "he's the captain of the football team." I just want to be me, seen as a regular guy... and, honestly, having all of the girls like you isn't a bad thing unless the girls don't like you for you and like you for what you are. They seem to think that if they can get with you, they'll be more popular than the other girls. They want you for status and popularity... not for who you really are.

Look at it this way: If I were just a regular guy who didn't play any sports and I just went to school and hung out with my friends, the girls wouldn't really notice me. But when you're at the top of the school, you're labeled continue the sentence here as the "popular guy", "the football captain", "ladies man" and so on. You're not known for yourself... you're someone else. I want to find the girl that will accept me for who I am. Not for my status or popularity.

Wow. This was really impressive! Especially for a first post!
I really liked how Emma and Shawn both had their own voice. However, I will go ahead and be honest: I'm sure you're aware this plot has been used many times before. (That's why romance is hard to write...everything seems so cliche.) With your style of writing though, I think you should be able to pull it off.
There's really not much for me to critique here with it being so short and nearly perfect.
PM me when you post more.
This was rather gold-starlicious, I think. (Yeah, I just made that up.)


*anti-pop

This is an interesting set up. Can tell it will be an interesting story. The two voices and two perspectives have potential to create a gripping dynamic. I think to develop it you could put more detail in to make the characters real right from the start. I seems to me that the first diary entries/blog entries are loaded with information that you could let out more slowly. Like for example, the girl could start more slowly and specifically with the context in which she is writing. Like: 'Finally I have some time to myself - Mum has been driving me crazy with her demands that I do the dishes, this chore, that chore. Anyway, it was first day back today. Couldn't believe it when I walked into our form room...'. Do you get what I mean? Like, you could just make the intro a bit slower. But it depends what kind of style you are going for.

thanks everyone i will be posting chapter two later today

I like this beginning. It is the exception of data-dumping and actually fits into how this story is going to go.
I'm really interested in how it's going to continue, so pm me or soemthing whenyou have another extract ready for me to see!
The characters' contrast is really cool too

*psouth~

Hello, there. Here are the thoughts & comments while reading this piece.

*Dear Diary~
I can picture Emma having and writing in a diary. Hence for being a girl. But, Shawn having one? No, I can't picture or see that. Unless, he's blogging like springrain2693 mentioned. To be truthful, I'm not really into stories put in diaries or blogs. But, I'm always here to try something new. So, congrats on being original!

*Emma is like...~
Have you ever seen the movie House Bunny? If you have, do you remember the character Natalie? She was the one with glasses and like that Colby guy. Your Emma, sounds quite like her. The whole "I'm not perfect and popular. And no hot-shot like so & so will ever like me." I have seen these type of stories, a lot. And it gets very cliche. Try, to move around that. Try, something original.

*The ladies man~
Like Emma, Shawn seems to over-used. Maybe add something normal to him. Have a problem that will occur and Shawn will somehow get normal. But, this is your story.

*Overall~
I'm not really into these type of stories. But, I will try something new. I hope I didn't sound to harsh. I do like the format in the diary thing. Otherwise, great job!

*Merry

psouth wrote:Chapter 1: Confessions

Dear Diary,
I'm 14 years old and a freshman at Parkway South. I don't really have replace much with many, and loose the really friends, just a few best friends who help me through everything. Maybe you could rephrase this sentence to, I'm not very popular, but I have a few close or best friends who help me through tough times. Think about some rephrasing, it could easily sound better. There's this guy at school, Shawn Foust... oh my god, he is so dreamy... but that's all he is. Instead of saying he's so dreamy, why don't you describe what it is she likes about him. His hair? His smile? What is it? This is your oppurtunity to show us what you got, girlfriend, put some detail in here! A dream. I mean, I would would never have a chance with him. He was the most popular guy in middle school, since he was the star of the eighth grade football team... He plays so many other sports too, and all of the popular girls like him, too. You said "too" twice in one sentence, I think you could actually remove both of them. I have no chance compared to them. Seriously, what could such a dreamy guy like Shawn see in an unpopular girl like me? All of the popular girls are rich and have all kinds of fancy things. But me? Everything I have is average.

All I really want is to be accepted and recognized for who I am... Emma Scott.

--Emma

Shawn

Hi,

I'm Shawn. Shawn Foust. I go to Parkway South High School, and I'm a freshman. I'm 14, pretty athletic (I play a lot of sports). I was the top player on the football team last year, but now that I'm in high school, I plan to make it to varsity by next year. How about switching that to I'm hoping to make it to varsity next year-- seems less cocky. I wrestle and play baseball and plan to go to varsity in both of those too. Is this sentence really needed? It's kind of awkward. Think about switching it up or just scraping it.

Throughout middle school, I was known as the "most popular guy" in school. All the guys wanted to be like me because I was "talented" and a "chick-magnet". I just wanted to be seen as Shawn Foust, not "Oh he's the most popular guy in school" or "he's the captain of the football team." I just want to be me, seen as a regular guy... and, honestly, having all of the girls like you isn't a bad thing unless the girls don't like you for you and like you for what you are. They seem to think that if they can get with you, they'll be more popular than the other girls. They want you for status and popularity... not for who you really are. You already used the phrase "who you really are" how about "my true self" or something to that effect? See if you can use your noodle and come up with something better, because my suggestion is kind of cliche.

Look at it this way: If I were just a regular guy who didn't play any sports and I just went to school and hung out with my friends, the girls wouldn't really notice me. But when you're at the top of the school, you're labeled. As the "popular guy", "the football captain", "ladies man" and so on. You're not known for yourself... you're someone else. I want to find the girl that will accept me for who I am. Not for my status or popularity.

Okay. This has potential. I can see that you're cooking up a good plot in there! But, you can kind of tell what's coming. Why not throw in a little curveball? How about Shawn is secretly a nerd and all he wants to do is Algebra homework? Corny, I know, but just something to get you thinking. Think of your characters as real people! Is this really how you write in your diary? Put in a little more thought and a little more detail, some of that pizazz you were saving up for those later chapters, and throw it in the pot now! This is a short chapter, why not add a few more entries to really get the reader hooked? Why not use regular old narration stuffs to supplement the diary entries, maybe then you could do a better job of showing and not telling? Whatever you decide to do, it's your choice! These are just suggestions.

Stay cool,
Shannon

I really like that you are doing this from both a male and female perspective, I applaud you for that. Its not easy to write from the opposite sex's point of view, its hard enough just to understand them half the time.
I see that a lot of people already corrected the few mistakes in grammar, so I will refrain from redundancy, and instead give you some ideas and what not. I would say try to not go over-kill in the "girl talk" and on Emma's part I would stress more of just being noticed, whereas with Shawn stress being noticed for who he is, and not just noticed. That way there is a clear difference between character situations. Also, maybe try and clear this part up a bit:
"honestly, having all of the girls like you isn't a bad thing unless the girls don't like you for you and like you for what you are."
Just the last line, clarify status and not just the whole what you are part. I hope that makes sense, ha ha.

This is my favorite part;

"All of the popular girls are rich and have all kinds of fancy things. But me? Everything I have is average."
I think it gets right to the core of her character, well done

Anyways, hope I helped and make sure to add more chapters! This could be a very juicy story

I like this chapter, it's a good way to start the story. For the most part it seems realistic, especially the way Emma swoons over Shawn. There's a bit of foreshadowing.

I'm 14 years old and a freshman at Parkway South.

I'm Shawn. Shawn Foust. I go to Parkway South High School, and I'm a freshman. I'm 14, pretty athletic (I play a lot of sports).

The first few sentences of each entry don't sound like the way someone would write in a diary or blog. It sounds like Emma knows someone is going to read her diary, and as for Shawn's blog it just doesn't fit. You should find another way to introduce them, maybe they could make comments about what it's like to be a freshman at Parkway South High School, so they aren't directly saying "I'm a freshman."

I don't really have much friends,

Much should be many.

This is probably going to be a good story, it just needs some minor improvements.

Chapter 1: Confessions


Dear Diary,

I'm 14 years old and a freshman at Parkway South. you don't need to explain stuff like this to your diary! I don't really have much this should be 'many' friends, just a few best friends who help me through everything. There's this guy at school, Shawn Foust... oh captial here<<my god, he is so dreamy... but that's all he is. A dream. I mean, I would [s]would[/s] never have a chance with him. He was the most popular guy in middle school, since he was the star of the eighth grade football team... He plays so many other sports too, and all of the popular girls like him[s], [/s][s]too.[/s] I have no chance compared to them. Seriously, what could such a dreamy guy like Shawn see in an unpopular girl like me? All of the popular girls are rich and have all kinds of fancy things. But me? Everything I have is average.


All I really want is to be accepted and recognized for who I am... Emma Scott.


--Emma


Shawn


Hi,


I'm Shawn. Shawn Foust. I go to Parkway South High School, and I'm a freshman. I'm 14, pretty athletic (I play a lot of sports). I was the top player on the football team last year, but now that I'm in high school, I plan to make it to varsity by next year. I wrestle and play baseball and plan to go to varsity in both of those too.


Throughout middle school, I was known as the "most popular guy" in school. All the guys wanted to be like me because I was "talented" and a "chick-magnet". I just wanted to be seen as Shawn Foust, not "Oh comma he's the most popular guy in school" or "he's the captain of the football team." I just want to be me, seen as a regular guy... and, honestly, having all of the girls like you isn't a bad thing unless the girls don't like you for you and like you for what you are. They seem to think that if they can get with you, they'll be more popular than the other girls. They want you for status and popularity... not for who you really are.


Look at it this way: If I were just a regular guy who didn't play any sports and I just went to school and hung out with my friends, the girls wouldn't really notice me. But when you're at the top of the school, you're labeled. As the "popular guy", "the football captain", "ladies man" and so on. You're not known for yourself... you're someone else. I want to find the girl that will accept me for who I am. Not for my status or popularity.


I can see what's going tpo happen, I like your POV, being two different people, nice work, but this would be a littly short to be a chapter. I also notice that with diarys, people just tell, you nered to recount what happened today, do something like...

Well, it was my first day at high school... and I surviverd! I remember it was so scary, not knowing your way around. all of the corridors in the school look the same, locked up cupboards and towering staircases. the smell of gym class wafting by as I pass the hall for a third thime, I don't think I'll ever know my way around

I don't know, It's your story... so good luck!

I agree with Moody and asxz - you wouldn't really write your age and all that in a diary or blog. Especially not in a blog, I'd say, where you have an additional profile for that information.

Other than that, I think it's an interesting beginning, especially with the entries from both Emma and Shawn.

I'm looking forward to see how it's going to go on :D
MySunshine