WhiteFire remade

Preface
Can you change against your will? Fight every with every ounce of your strength. What if you couldn't win can you still try for the ones you love will it matter. Like there was anything that could ease your guilt. For me if I can't win I avenge being built with centuries of centuries of remorse and responsibility, power trained to kill. Then where's is my happiness I'm suppose to be a princess aren't I?


P1
My Palace White Fire where anything can be one magical independent palace. Then why do we have the need for a guardian or should I say princess. Hmm doesn't feel like it. My White Fire my very beautiful dimension. If I should say so my self I like white fire. Not preppy but not gothic. In between just imagine something a little similar to that. A green place were the moon and clouds reign the residents defensive for their place their "earth" if you may call it but we are so much different from the humans . Vamp Witches that's us sounds weird? Well if you look closely and nothing is normal. Like when saying the phrase anything can happen well yeah its not really a exaggeration like around the time the council gets together and chooses 2 possible humans to become residents of white fire with all the "luxury" to it right, hmm a real luxury.
I am Juliet White Fire " Princess " I guess you could call it that but it doesn't really matter much I guess not hum anyways I am forever 18 I stopped aging on my last birthday 5,000 years ago. Good. At least I did not get any older than truthfully being 95,000 years old prehistoric I tell you. My Dad is The Co-founder equally right along with my uncle garret we are all ancient people. My life has been a big bowl of responsibility + stress + exaggeration of problems = my job nice huh my love my best friend my council partner Marker just kidding he is Marcus I just call him Marker. Then the rest is old people well old and hot in their 40's just like all the other members and I being the only girl ugh yeah my life of royalty. Patrick ( my father wanted to treat me like a princess but no I wanted to be treated "normally" right like if that word existed for me.

Preface - This really should be called a 'prologue'.

Anyway...

The grammar is shaky. Here's the exact text of your prologue, with fixed grammar.

Can you change against your will? Fight every *Missing word?* with every ounce of your strength? What if you couldn't win? Can you still try for the ones you love? Will it matter? Like there was anything that could ease your guilt. For me, if I can't win, I avenge, being built with centuries and centuries of remorse and responsibility, power trained to kill. Then where is my happiness? I'm suppose to be a princess, aren't I?

I couldn't figure out how to properly punctuate that bolded sentence.

The narrative is interesting, and the voice is strong. What this really lacks is clarity and purpose. The philosophy is there, and yet the entire point just flies over the readers head.

How can you fix this?

Try to build more on the princess's past. Explain the "centuries and centuries of remorse and responsibility".

P1

Very short, first of all.

However, even the shortness doesn't prevent one thing...boredom.

I'd like to apologize in advance now, because I'm always very harsh on people. Don't take it too hard.

This "chapter", as one might call it, is completely introduction. The entire point of the chapter is to give you all the information that the reader needs up front - a cop-out to be avoided. Introduction chapters horrendously bore the reader, and they end up skipping it. Then, the find they HAVE to read it to understand the rest of the book, and they may give up on the book.

Instead of introducing the reader to the princess's world, instead, incorporate this information into action chapters. You may have the princess go about a typical day and give all this information as she does so. For example, she might meet up with 'Marker' and 'Patrick', just to introduce the characters and begin their development.

Basically, I suggest that you, instead of giving us a huge infodump, have the princess actually do something and introduce the information as you go.

Hey, Juju nice to meet you.

Whilst reading this I was just very confused. I had to keep rereading the sentences over and over to actually understand what was going on and even when I did that, I still didn't really understand it properly.

I'm not big on the grammar because I can't do it very well lol but I think your not using a lot of essential grammar. Perhaps you could head on over to the Writing tips part of the forum or have a look at some of the articles to get some help. They helped me a lot.

If this is supposed to be a prologue and chapter 1, it is very very short. I agree with thunder_dude, that instead of just telling us all this information about her past and her life you could show us. I guess this is what other people mean when they say that you should show not tell. Use everyday activities to show us what The Princess's life is like and what the palace is like. Don't just use several paragraphs to tell the reader because as thunder_dude said, It's a bit boring.

I don't like it in stories when characters appear to be talking directly to the reader rather than just thinking inside their heads. For example when you say - In between just imagine something a little similar to that. - You shouldn't have to tell the reader to imagine what the palace is like, you the writer should paint a picture for the reader. Anyway it feels like your talking directly to the audience, to me that would be like in the middle of a film, a character coming up to the camera and just talking straight to the audience. I like just being so involved in the story, I don't want to be reminded that I'm reading a book

I also think you could use the first chapter to properly introduce the Princess and give the reader an idea of her character and what her life is like and her personality is like. I didn't real get a feel of her in the story and so this added a bit to the boredom.

However the back story sounded very interesting and I think if you rewrote this just a little bit it could be a good beginning to the story

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh! If you need any help with the story just PM me. Keep Writing

Bex x

hello

i liked the begening and where you were going with it but i dont see any real good work hear becase i think most people as myself like where your going with it and then are borad with is as myself i think you should consider re writing it


i also dont like how it sounds as if the main carictor is talking to the reader i think you should re evalute some of your skills in the area (no offence)

and the grammer is sort if bad i dident see any "" around where the people were talking ether wich anoys me as a reader becase it is harder to read the dialog

sorry if i was to critical on you



with the best of luck Logan