Fantasy

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my first posted story ! yay ! -rawr-
Yeah, -_- heh.. i REALLY hope you enjoy it, im not done, this is just my beggining really, but please read and give me some advice or comment ! thanks !

- sorry i had to keep editing it, and it kept not going through, and i had to like, redo the editing over and over, so very sorry if it sound crappy






PREFACE
I couldn’t remember my past, but something inside me knew that this boy was the key to
my memories. Things were unravelling to fast, He was never going to stop, was he?

CHAPTER 1. LOST

I COULD FEEL A COLD BREEZE ON MY FACE.
My thick brown hair danced with the wind as my mind drifted back to consciousness.
I was in a daze, I heard the soothing sound of water rushing on the shore and calmly retreating back frequently. My eyes opened to the bright sunlight covering the ground, blinding me for the
few seconds before my eyed adjusted.
Where am i? Who am i?"A whole new world opened up to me.

Everything seemed so clear, so brilliant. My muscles tensed as I tried to push myself upward into a sitting position. I stretched and let out a deep yawn, which made my eyes watery. After wiping the tears away, I looked ahead of me, what I saw stunned me.. It was just so… beautiful.
I saw the ocean, Its water sparkling like a million diamonds. My eyes searched for more
capturing sights. I turned around, and realized that I was surrounded by forest. Thick,
bright green trees and bushes devouring most of the land around me. My hands sank slightly in the cool light tanned coloured sand.

I couldn’t hear any other sound but the rushing water and my heart, racing at top speed.. I seemed to be alone… and I couldn’t remember.. Where I was, or who I used to be.
Suddenly I heard a noise.. Like rustling bushes. At first I was happy,
because what ever was moving around had to be living, which obviously meant I wasn’t alone. My emotions over powered me, I felt scared because what ever was moving might not be human.. I waited to see what it was, my body trembling with fear.. It jumped out of the bushes, leaping gracefully out on all fours and landed on the grainy sand. It looked at me, its red eyes gazing into to mine, Its silky grayish black fur swaying to the side as the wind moved around Its fur. I felt my body shake uncontrollably.

What I saw before me, was a wolf. This wolf looked different than regular ones. It was huge, like a wolf on steroids. It looked like a boy to me.. He seemed mad at first.. But now his expression held a concerned look. He trotted towards me, I froze right where I sat. I hadn’t noticed that I was wearing a long sleeved white fabric dress before, which probably made me look even more appetising to the muscular, blood thirsty red-eyed beast standing before me. The claws of the glorious four legged creature dug into the ground, his shoulders moving back, prepared to pounce on me at any given moment. This is the end isn’t it? I shut my eyes tight, hoping. Praying that he would kill me quickly.

My body shuddered as a cold gust of wind whirled around me. Something inside me churned as the wolf howled, the sound drifting swiftly into the forest ahead. With that, my eyes opened, and he was no where in my perpetual vision. Am I going insane? I lost my memory, and now I was seeing imaginary wolves. Yeah, I was defiantly insane. But, everything about him just seemed so real. Even an insane person couldn’t have mentally pictured and heard that beast. There was only one way to find out. I lifted myself up, groaning at the slight strain in my legs and arms, but I ignored it, determined to find my imaginary wolf. Well I assumed it was imaginary, its not every day you see a wolf that abnormally huge.



I marched forward, my legs stiffly moving along, sinking into the sand until I reached the line between beach and forest. It smelled of fresh pine, the thick cold hair froze my throat as I continued to walk. The sound of the beach faded away as I lingered further into the unknown.
The sweet sound of birds chirping in the distance echoed in the forest. This was the type of place I didn’t mind, it was so quiet and peaceful, and so.. green. My legs started to get irritated as the long sharp blades grass scratched at my feet and ankles. I felt the need to find this thing quickly, I dashed as fast as my legs would take me.
Everything blurred around me as a ran, the cold air started burning my throat as I inhaled deeply for needed oxygen. I heard someone behind me I stopped abruptly.

Catching my breath, I spun around and saw not ten feet in front of me, a handsome young man that looked about my age. His reddish brown hair came to his neck, his copper brown eyes gazing deeply into mine., his pale white skin glistened in the little light the shined through the trees brightly. His clothes consisted of nothing more than black jeans and a dark blue t-shirt and a gray jacket that tightened around his somewhat muscular shoulders. He said nothing at first, but took slow strides towards me.

The space between us became shorter, his lips curved up into a perfect smile. I froze, stunned.
Why was this godly being standing not 2 feet in front of me? Things began to get a little blurry around me when he spoke in an low even tone, almost heavenly.
“Hello, are you lost?”

I hesitated, I wanted to run, but I was frozen in place.
“Y-yeah.. Where am I?”
His smile faded slightly, there was a change in the wind, turining slightly in his direction, and swiftly blew towards me, his scent moving with the wind. I wanted to inhale that smell forever, it was so sweet and calming, like lavender.
Compared to him, i smell awful..

“We, my dear are in Dolly Sods.”
That didn’t give me much information, because I had no idea where that was…
But at least I wasn’t alone. “Oh.. That helps, I guess.”
He laughed a little, I wasn’t sure why.
“Do I humour you?” My voice sounded dull.
“Just a little.” He starred at me, grinning.
“Are you alone?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer
his question. I mean he didn’t seem malicious, or threatening towards me, he was quiet discreet. But there was something about him that was cabalistic, like something hidden in stone. I starred at the ground, looking at him as spoke, blushing a little. “Ugh. Yeah,” I paused, I had to think of a reason that was believable as to why I was alone and had no idea where I was. My voice was strained, trying to make it sound truthful, I actually believed myself for a moment.
“I ran away from home, I guess ran a little too far, and got lost...”

His eyes were still locked on mine listen attentively to my lies. He might not believe me..
“Hmm. I see well no one comes around this area much, its rather dangerous at night, you won’t be safe.” He waited patently for a response. Think… “Oh, I’m sure I’ll manage just fine.”
“I’m not willing to take that chance.” I snapped back at him “Why dose my safety concern you?”
His smile was gone now, he was serious, anxious as the sun began to set.
His lips pursed, his copper eyes glaring at me, taking a step forward, he spoke in an urgent tone. “I’m not going to let someone die for no reason, if you ran away you should’ve thought of a decent place to stay other than here” Now I felt angry. “You don’t even know me. Why should you care?” He retained his composure, smiling at me again. His mood swings are giving me whiplash. “My name is Cassius, may I ask you yours?” My nostrils flared, but composed myself as well. “Maria.” I felt my heart skip a beat when he took another step closer, closing in the space between us. I realized he was taller than realized.

“Maria.” He breathed. “A beautiful name suits you.” My cheeks turned red. His body heat was burning my flesh. It was warm, too warm. I heard his heart, beating irregularly out of his chest, too slow, much to slow.

His warm voice interrupted my confused thoughts. “Well, now that we’ve been properly acquainted…” I didn’t even have time to escape his grasp, I was already off the ground, his inhumanly warm arms cradling me against his chest, running at lightning speed. The cold air
cooled my body against his, I guess he thought running wouldn’t hurt me as much.

His legs picked up, running faster than before, barley even noticing my weight pushing him down. I wanted to try and squirm, not thinking about the pain of falling if i did escape. But I knew it would be a useless effort, he was too strong. Arguing with him might help, he might let me go if I gave a good enough reason…. But he is smart… This may be difficult..[i] I inhaled, trying to catch even the slightest amount of oxygen as if passed me swiftly. “Where are you taking me ?!” My voice felt strained. He answered back in an even tone, not even the slightest sound of exhaustion in his heavenly voice. “To safety, away from here.” Silence, my words wouldn’t come out. He was concerned about my safety, carrying me away from whatever danger he thought was out there. [i]That wolf.. I forgot why I went into the forest in the first place.. Who could remember anything after seeing this gorgeous man I didn’t deserve? I was curious whether or not he knew about the wolf, and if that was the danger.
“What is so dangerous about here?” I murmured softly.
Suddenly everything stopped moving, or he stopped moving, I wasn’t sure which.
All I knew was that I was still in his arms and he was still here with me.
Cassius looked at me, but this time if was different, his eyes a crimson red, looking deep into my eyes. I was terrified, ready to break a run for it, but again… I was trapped in his unbreakable grasp.





ill post the rest later ! really sorry ! not done just yet !
:shock: :idea: :D




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Hey, Marshmallow Warrior!

There is one error you repeat constantly:

You always need to capitalize your I's

Things were unravelling to fast, He was never going to stop, was he?


Change to to too.

Examples:

I will go to the store. To represents movement.

Too is the same as saying a lot or as well.

I want to go, too.
I have too much homework.

Understand?

Also, I would break this up into two sentence.

Things were unravelling too fast. He was never going to stop, was he?

My thick brown hair danced with the wind as my mind drifted back to consciousness.


So she is unconscious, right? That means she is lying on the ground. Her hair would be plastered to the ground, not blowing around.

I was in a daze, I heard the soothing sound of water rushing on the shore and calmly retreating back frequently.


This should be two sentences -- remove the comma and replace it with a period.
Take out frequently. It ruins your flow.

Where am i? Who am i?"A whole new world opened up to me.


Quotation marks before where. Also capitalize I.
Describe her surroundings some.

around Its


de-capitalize its.

I hadn’t noticed that I was wearing a long sleeved white fabric dress before, which probably made me look even more appetising to the muscular, blood thirsty red-eyed beast standing before me.


Um, how does this make her look appetizing?

I heard someone behind me I stopped abruptly.


Replace the second I with and.

Why was this godly being standing not 2 feet in front of me?
\

Always spell out your numbers: two

Compared to him, i smell awful..


Capitalize I.
Smell is in present tense so change it to smelled.

cabalistic


Uhm, this isn't a word. ^_^
Did you mean cannibalistic?

“We, my dear are in Dolly Sods.”
That didn’t give me much information, because I had no idea where that was…
But at least I wasn’t alone. “Oh.. That helps, I guess.”
He laughed a little, I wasn’t sure why.
“Do I humour you?” My voice sounded dull.
“Just a little.” He starred at me, grinning.
“Are you alone?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer
his question. I mean he didn’t seem malicious, or threatening towards me, he was quiet discreet. But there was something about him that was cabalistic, like something hidden in stone. I starred at the ground, looking at him as spoke, blushing a little. “Ugh. Yeah,” I paused, I had to think of a reason that was believable as to why I was alone and had no idea where I was. My voice was strained, trying to make it sound truthful, I actually believed myself for a moment.
“I ran away from home, I guess ran a little too far, and got lost...”


This passage and the passages after it became very confusing because you do not set up your dialogue correctly.

Paragraph rules

Whenever there is a new subject begin a new sentence. For example is Cassius says something and Maria laughs, Maria laughing should go in a new sentence.

Incorrect Example:

"Hey, John!" said Richard. John squealed in girlish surprise.

Correct:

"Hey, John!" said Richard.
John squealed in girlish surprise.

Starting a new paragraph includes numerous sentences of dialogue:

Incorrect example:

"Hey, John." said Richard. "Yo, man!" said John, attempting to be cool.

Correct:

"Hey John." said Richard.
"Yo, man!" said John, attempting to be cool.

Understand?

Overall

This has a lot of potential. If you want to make it better, fix your grammar and use more description. Don't just tell me Cassius looks cannibalistic -- show me with description!
Is there a glint in his eyes? Does he look Maria up and down as though she is a piece of meat?
Description will take your story to the next level.

PM me if you have any questions!

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Well Haruno Sakura hit it pretty hard with the grammar, so I’m going to go more on content.

But one little thing first, I believe you are suppose to have two things reviewed before posting anything.

Preface-

I feel like this should be a little longer. I understand not wanting to make it very long, but a few more sentences. Or else just take off the word preface and make it a quote before the story. And it’s a little too rhyme-ness for my taste, but that might have been the approach you were going for.

Chapter 1-

The fact that that first sentence is in all caps is just weird. I don’t like it. Sorry.

The second sentence though I think is very beautiful. So good job there!

capturing sighs


^^Too much trying to use high vocabulary. Just sounds unnatural.

I love all of the description mixed with action, but once you moved into the wolf and the man it seemed to move a little too fast. I liked the slower type pace you had set up. Then all of a sudden it was BAM BAM.

I feel like you have mixed in the love aspects to early. A little bit is ok, with the pounding heart and such, but it feels like that you have rushed it slightly.

Great job so far!



Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content