a Standing Rebirth

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when you were born you never crawled.
you never walked
you never ran

you simply stood and allowed the river of time to flow around you.

never moving, never acting

you allowed the world to roll over you:

A family is born around you
a smile graces you and flitters away

your friends die before you
tears suicide drop from your eyes

the darkside comes to envelope the world
your heart is torn asunder
your blood flees your body and flies to the horizon.

the earth ascends to meet your body

heaven descends to recieve your soul

the world goes missing

yet there are flowers lain at the scene of your demise.

part 2: rebirth

you are now standing in the heavens
destined to be the world sentinel
yet your children invoke you to return.

An asteroid meets you,
and becomes your new body
and your heart sprouts a tree
from the center this celestial monolith.

Complying to the gravitic lamentations from the withering earth
you are brought down into the embraces of the atmosphere
to greet the world with your advent quake.

though you are oce again standing upon the earth
you were have only been re-submerged in the river of time.

your tree bears fruit for the children
but the river of time
is never to slow to wash them away.
as the soil in a field or the dust on a stone.

Darkness returns once more
and the your tree is withered.
the roots loose their grip
and the monolith shatters.

your soul, heavy with sadness, falls through the earth
as your celestial body returns to the heavens.

with the planet as your new grave.
you haunt it with fertility.
and your children are themselves, reborn.
Last edited by Monument Soul on Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Gender None specified
Points 1122
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when you were born you never crawled,
you never walked
you never ran.

you simply stood and allowed the river of time
New line>> to flow around you. (I would discourage the use of periods. It disrupts the flow, and we already know when to breathe.)

never moving, never acting. no period.

you allowed the world to roll [s]unto[/s] into you:

A family is born around you. no period.
a smile graces you and flitters away.

your friends die before you. no period here
tears suicide drop from your eyes. (Should that be "tears of suicide or something?)

the darkside comes to envelope the world
your heart is torn asunder. (Lovely. I like.)

the earth ascends to meet your body

heaven descends to recieve your soul

the world goes missing. (I really like those last three lines.)

yet there are flowers lain at the scene of your demise.


OVERALL: Great lines, and very moving words. I would just delete some of the periods that disrupt the flow of the poem, and rewrite that one awkward line. Great work!

~Sunny



Ho ho ho!
— Santa