The dagger of passion (Totally reworded)

Ready to part,
I soared up, but you hurled it at me.
That dagger, the dagger of passion.
It cut my wings off
and made me tumble down
to where you were. And there I grieved,
without any comfort,
for the rest of eternity.

Its very curt, kind of like something you'd expect in a riddle or a hint towards something.

It was very intresting to say the least and I enjoyed it, but I would have liked to see it a bit larger, with a little more content.

It seems almost like an afterthought, something kind of thrown together.

It reminds me of something from Silent Hill or Resident Evil, one of those wierd poems that tell you how to beat some puzzle hah.

Keep it up.

Hmmm.... I liked it.

Do you think you could make it a little bit longer? Not much longer, just a little bit.

I liked how it was SSSTTP (Short, Sweet, Simple, and To The Point)

It was a little bit sad compared to what I normally like, but it was still good.

I do have one more suggestion though....
It seemed kind of unoriginal. Like this is what the average 13-year-old would write.
Please don't be offended by that, I still liked it.

This is great! You have imagery, and stanzas with three main happenings and you've embraced the subject and you opened it, like flower, for all of us to read! .... But this is too short. I have not read “If you did” but I don’t understand why this is so short even if this is a continuation. Please write more! Keep the imagery and the emotions but make them blossom as add you more. Make your readers dive into your poetry and DONT let them go until the very last period... and with that period, drop them back into the reality where there are sitting at there computer desk with there mouth hanging open!!! I tell you this because I have a feeling you can do it! Just put your heart in this poem and it will SHINE!

tori1234 wrote:It seemed kind of unoriginal. Like this is what the average 13-year-old would write.
Please don't be offended by that, I still liked it.

That's 'cause you don't know how old I am. If you wanna know, PM me.

I'm working on making both ''The knife of love'' and ''If you did'' longer. And while I was doing it, I came up with 2 other poems that I'll post tomorrow, 'cause I gotta go to bed (12:12 at night in Spain; bye!).

Have a nice day/night LOL,

---Luciano

iHola y bienvenidos a YWS!

This poem is definitely interesting! I like the image of flying that you gave and then the subsequent cutting off the wings. It tied in nicely, and it helps that you didn't run away from your metaphor. That's really awesome.

The main thing that you should work on is verb choice. Your verbs are so bland! You use depart, but that sounds too much like a train station thing and not poetry. Then threw? How about hurtled? Of course, that's not the only choice, but still! You can enhance this poem with vivid verbs. So just tweak with it and see what you get. ^_^

Hope that helps!

Snoink wrote:The main thing that you should work on is verb choice. Your verbs are so bland! You use depart, but that sounds too much like a train station thing and not poetry. Then threw? How about hurtled? Of course, that's not the only choice, but still! You can enhance this poem with vivid verbs. So just tweak with it and see what you get. ^_^

Hope that helps!

Yep, I sure should've had a thesaurus next to me .