COT: Vicuna and Her Brother, Daimin. Feedback appreciated.

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Vicuna sat agitated as her long black vehicle hovered noiselessly in the night. It drove through an expansive private land with manicured grass and wide-trunk trees spaced in perfect arrays on each side of a black metal pathway. Glass cube canisters emanating yellow light floated alongside the road that led to a massive dark brown chateau. No crickets sang and no birds fluttered from the trees; the land was barren of all animal life. Cleansed would be the correct word, Vicuna thought as she tightened her lips at the sights across from the limousine’s dark tinted windows.
She still wished that her brother would have allowed her to place her orders in space, preferably in the comfort of her ship. Daimin, however, proved too defiant, and arranged both her flight and transportation to his home without hearing another word from her. We all must go through that demon’s house if we want something. Unlike her other siblings, Vicuna couldn’t stand her brother’s home. Its architecture resembled their childhood house to the very last tile. She knew Daimin acted twisted, but she never imagined he’d actually reproduce the same house that harbored her blackest of memories.
I’ll just get in, place my orders, and then leave. Vicuna shuddered despite herself. Her gloved hand covered her mouth as she inhaled, trying to regain her composure. She couldn’t dare let Daimin see her fear. He knew how much she hated the place, how much it disturbed her. Her brother most likely brought her here to break her confidence in her plans.
Vicuna snarled, baring her fangs. Like hell would she fail to occupy Earth and its Izor gates! She promised herself that she would succeed and receive Emaizi’s highest recognition. Vicuna would rise from the bottom and emerge second to her mother. None of her family members would dare disrespect her again.
Even those lowly and powerless cousins, uncles, and aunts talked behind her back, saying how she was the most useless from the main branch of the Etani-Dousa family. She would rip their eyes open and make them lick the soles of her boots. Vicuna already knew the first order she would carry out as soon as she stole the position of Emaizi’s regent from Daimin. She would make him her dog. Like a humiliated puppy with its tail between its legs. She snickered, relishing the fantasy of her eldest brother obeying her every command.
“We have arrived, lady Vicuna,” the chauffer said, breaking her thoughts.
“Then don’t just sit there like an idiot. Hurry up and open my door,” she growled at the old man.
As soon as Vicuna stepped down from the vehicle, she saw a young male escort approach her. He bowed.
“Warm greetings to you lady Vicuna. I am Firius. Please follow me. Master Daimin is expecting you in his office.”
She silently followed him to the tall double doors which two guards opened. A vast and brilliant first floor welcomed Vicuna with its lustrous obsidian ground, floating webbed chandeliers of gold and crystals, and large silver statues of beasts lunging from every corner. Heavy black and deep red drapes decorated the tall oval windows. Servants rushed back and forth, creating a busy air.
“This way, my lady,” Firius instructed and guided Vicuna to a carpeted hall with golden elevators.
Inside the elevator, Vicuna folded her arms, pulling her long black leather jacket close to her skin. It had been several weeks since she last saw Daimin. Back then, he had been very mild, tired, and unkempt, which probably meant that his visit to her ship had come after finishing a hard mission. She couldn’t act too relaxed and rude as before. Now that he was in his home, refreshed and comfortable, Daimin would be himself.
Himself, eh? Vicuna narrowed her brow and chased her fears away. She could not lose her nerve, not here when she needed to squeeze expensive orders out of him. Her fingers rubbed her jaw line as if shaping her face for a strong demanding expression. Vicuna’s mind traveled. She hadn’t always been afraid of her brother, but Emaizi…
“We’re here, my lady. Master Daimin’s floor.” Firius voice shook her out of her reverie. He bowed, signaling that she could move ahead without him.
Although she knew the way, she couldn’t believe that she wanted the escort to accompany her. Vicuna scoffed and walked out of the elevator without casting Firius a second glance. I’m a Bacaran. I should fear no one.
The colors of Daimin’s floor were red and black with shadows that crept everywhere in the soft glow of yellow lighting. Vicuna walked down a wide hall with metal sliding doors leading to other rooms. His office sat at the end, waiting for her. She groomed her confidence as she approached it.
Vicuna first came across oval windows that spanned from the ground up. The dark drapes had been lifted, revealing Daimin’s luxurious office inside. She watched her brother stand in a pressed black suit with his back facing her. A tall beautiful woman wearing a short orange dress stood in front of him. She was helping him adjust the cloth bandages around his face. Her hand stroked the tight neat ponytail of his hair down to its end. The woman glanced at Vicuna and said something to Daimin. He touched her shoulder and turned around. His fingers beckoned Vicuna to enter.
She met the sliding metal door beside the last window and it opened, letting her walk inside her brother’s office.
“How have you been faring these days?” Daimin said once she was near him. His soft voice irritated her.
She put a hand on her hip. “Let’s skip the small talk and go straight to business. I’m not staying long.”
“Is that so? Then please sit down.” He gestured her toward a group of black leather chairs and sofas that surrounded a small table.
Vicuna occupied a chair across from Daimin and the woman who sat beside him.
“It upsets me that you can’t stay a while.” He crossed his legs. “Jiis is here too. He’s been telling me how he wants to see you.”
“You can tell that bastard that I have no intention of seeing him anytime soon,” Vicuna yelled. She hadn’t forgotten how Jiis, her other brother, embarrassed her in their last family meeting with Emaizi.
Daimin tilted his head forward. “You shouldn’t be so unkind to him. He says he has presents for you.”
Vicuna raised an eyebrow. Jiis’s gifts usually meant state of the art weaponry and invincible battle cyborgs. She pretended to scratch an itch on her chin.
“I’ll call him later. He can give them to me in space.”
Daimin chuckled gently, making Vicuna’s skin bristle with unease.
“Tell me. What is it with you and space?”
“That’s simple,” she said, leaning back into her chair and folding her arms. “Unlike planets, no one can conquer it. We all cower at its vastness, trembling before its magnificent size.”
“What an appropriate answer.”
“Let’s get to the orders.” Vicuna’s patience had disappeared after Daimin mentioned Jiis. Her desire to leave soon had also increased. She disliked the air her brother exuded. He seemed angry about something and Vicuna didn’t want to be present when he lashed out.
“The twins are coming here in a few hours. Are you sure you don’t want to wait for them,” Daimin said. He slipped his hand into his pocket.
“What is going on here? A damn family reunion! I’m busy. Can we start with the orders now?”
“Let me at least introduce you to Urai Weissler.” He wrapped his arm around the woman’s slender shoulders. “She is my newest high commander.”
Surprised, Vicuna widened her eyes at the name. Urai Weissler, huh?
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Miss Bacar,” Urai greeted, extending a smooth sandy hand. The woman’s dark green eyes were kind and sincere, but Vicuna snubbed the welcoming gesture.
“That’s lady Bacar to you.” She turned her attention to her brother. “Don’t you teach your commanders any respect?”
Daimin said nothing. His eyes gleamed red beneath the wrappings.
Vicuna muscles’ tensed. “The orders,” she repeated through clenched teeth.
Silence passed between them for a while before Daimin touched Urai’s lap.
“Please set up the order sheet,” he told her. His commander stood up and walked across the room to take a device from a shelf. Her reddish brown hair fell to the tip of her lower back.
“Does she really have to be here for this?” Vicuna asked, motioning at Urai.
“Of course, so please stop your immaturity and bear with it.”
She widened her eyes at his scolding, wishing she could snap his neck. Just once she would like to break that slender neck of his. No, strangle him first, and then snap his neck. Vicuna calmed her itching fingers. She had to focus on her orders.
Urai returned and set a small black cube at the center of the table. She tapped its side, making it spew 3D holograms of ships, artillery, land vehicles, and various other war gears. The commander reclaimed her seat beside Daimin and within seconds a transparent black keyboard appeared, floating above her lap.
“Please begin. What do you need?” her brother asked.
“Fifty thousand of the latest Oetar ships, one hundred thousand of the Uetor models, five hundred thousand Ietor ground cruisers, two million Una troops, two hundred Tressir cannons. Do the math and figure out how much ammunition, hand weapons, tech, health, and service support I will need to accommodate the ships and troops.”
Daimin folded his hands, staring at his sister.
“You’re not conquering the universe. Just an undeveloped planet followed by four artificial ones. This is what I will give you. Urai, please process this: twenty thousand Oetar ships, fifty thousand of the Uetor brand, two hundred thousand Ietor cruisers, one million Una troops, and only fifty Tressir cannon. Did you really think I would give you two hundred? You can bring a third of a planet to its knees with just one. And I’m talking about an Etani-Dousa planet. Your gross miscalculations baffle me. I’m very disappointed.”
“Who cares? This isn’t what I want!” Vicuna jumped up from her seat. “At least give me another ten thousand Oetar and Uetor ships and another fifty Tressir cannon. You know Ekrai Sector One’s forces will try to stop me.”
“Be quiet and respect my changes. I’m not at the liberty to let you waste twenty thousand of these ships. Have you any idea how expensive they are? Anyway, your fears of ES1 are irrelevant. They’re so stretched thin right now, they’re almost a joke. What I’ve given you will be more than enough to subdue their forces. I know what I’m saying. I’ve been doing this far longer than you have. Do you seriously wish to defy my advice?”
“I need everything I can to make sure my plans work. You just want me to fail!”
“Rubbish. I wish only for your success. Including killing the Xuartish. You haven’t forgotten about them, have you?”
Vicuna released steam from her nostrils.
“You can go ahead and erase your doubts. I will kill those children without having to blink. I’m more concerned about Earth and the Izor gates.”
Daimin waved his hand at his sister as if dismissing her. “No, the children must take top priority. That is mother’s utmost desire right now. They may be weaklings now, but don’t forget what they can become. They are the Xuartish. You are responsible for eliminating this threat.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said I would take care of it so stop your nagging,” she confirmed. Vicuna glared at her brother, seething. He wasn’t going to change his mind about her orders. She wanted more. She needed more. What if ES1 approached her with new and more powerful ships to stop her? Failure wasn’t exactly on top of her list, but as much she hated to admit it, her brother was more experienced. Should she trust his advice? Vicuna hissed.
“Still unsatisfied?” Daimin mocked.
Vicuna heard a hint of malice in his voice. She didn’t trust him. And yet, more than anything, he wanted the Xuartish killed. If she did fail, Emaizi would blame him first and Vicuna knew how much Daimin honored their mother. Therefore, he had to be right about her updated orders. She had to trust him. They both could not afford her failure. Vicuna hummed.
“I want everything in four months, ES1 standard time,” she demanded.
“Sit down and tell me who you have in mind for commanders. I can you help find some valuable people.”
Vicuna remained standing. “No need. I already have five capable people in mind and one of them includes…Princess Elhart Shusensten.”
“The Elhart Shusensten?” Urai asked, surprised. “She’s one of the ten members of the Etani-Dousa Segin Union.”
“You shouldn’t be going after an EDSU,” Daimin told her. “They’re too dangerous and strong willed for you to handle. This woman alone can lead to your disaster. She’ll cause you nothing but trouble. Pick someone else.”
Vicuna scoffed. “Don’t patronize me. I’ll choose whatever Etani-Dousa I want for a commander. Don’t think I don’t know that your precious Urai Weissler here is actually number two in that Segin Union. I always thought you’d go after number one. Oh yes, I forget. Number one is a man and you prefer female commanders, don’t you? My mistake.”
Vicuna couldn’t tell if her brother looked upset or not. She hated those red and black wraps around his face. For once she wanted to satiate herself with her brother’s pissed-off expression. She wanted to see him angry. See him frown and knit his eyebrows in worry. It wasn’t fair that he could hide while everyone lay exposed before him. Did he think he was that superior? How long had it been since she last saw his pretty face?
She dared to walk over to him, ignoring the dark aura growing around her brother. Instinct told her to stop and leave his office as soon as possible. She had what she wanted. The orders had been processed. All that remained was to leave and hurry back to the safety of her ship. Vicuna ignored it. She had had enough of Daimin’s nonsense. She wanted to see his face. Vicuna slipped the glove off her right hand. Her fingers pinched a loose rectangular strip of the soft fabric.
No one said anything.
Vicuna breathed and pulled.
Daimin’s hand flew to her wrist and he squeezed it hard.
Vicuna gritted her teeth from a pain she had never experienced. Her wrist felt as if millions of tiny explosions were trying to burst out of her skin. She couldn’t even budge her hand from her brother’s grasp. Bones cracked.
Daimin was crushing her wrist.
She gasped for air, falling to her knees while her brother stood. To her utter amazement, the explosions increased shooting pain up her arm. Her head ached terribly, pounding hard. Beads of sweat streamed down from her temples. She shut her eyes tight, making more tears fall.
I cannot yell! I won’t give him that satisfaction.
“Vicuna.”
She trembled. Daimin rarely called out her name. Was he going to kill her? No, he wouldn’t dare. Emaizi would have his head first.
“What made you think that I would let you see my face? You’ve been very disrespectful lately,” he said. “What’s going on in that little head of yours? I hope that you’re not using your expedition to plan something against us…against me. Why Vicuna? Why can’t you see how much we love you?” Daimin brushed his masked face against her writhing fingers. “How much I love you.”
Vicuna spat swears at her brother.
“See? It’s this type of behavior that makes me so upset.” His voice softened. “As the youngest, you need to learn how to be a kinder and more respectful little sister.”
Daimin squeezed her wrist harder.
Vicuna yelled. Was he trying to rip her hand out? Vicuna didn’t know. She didn’t care. All she wanted was for the pain to stop. She wished she could kill him if he ever released her, but she knew she couldn’t. He was the oldest and not even the combined strength of all his brothers and sisters could overcome his. Damn him! Why did he have everything?
“Daimin, please stop this. You’re hurting her,” Urai said sternly.
It’s more than hurting you idiot, Vicuna wanted to scream. She snarled at Urai’s expression of pity for her, hating the sense of humiliation it gave her.
Daimin turned his attention to his commander. He gazed at her for a while and to Vicuna’s surprise, he opened his hand, releasing his hold.
Vicuna leaned forward, panting hard. She clutched her mangled wrist close to her chest. The pain still felt excruciating. However, she was shocked that her brother let her go. How was it possible that Daimin obeyed Urai’s request? Vicuna realized that the commander was very special to her brother if he was willing to listen to her. She was sure that he would have killed Urai for interrupting his talk with his sister.
“You need medical care,” Daimin said, looking down at Vicuna on the floor. “You can’t heal that on your own. Urai, please call Dr. Pelore in here right away.”
The commander nodded, quickly leaving the office.
Her brother was right. Vicuna tried mending her wrist with her tokua, but they kept failing. Trillions of the nano-machines reproduced and converged until they grew into a red glove that covered her hand and wrist. After a few seconds, the glove shattered, disintegrating. Confused, Vicuna frowned as she rose to her feet. Saying nothing, she turned around to leave. The sooner she returned to her ship, the less likely she would try something foolish like hurl a tokua assault against her brother and usher in a sibling battle the could possibly destroy the whole country.
“Where are you going? If you don’t let the doctor take care of it soon, I can promise you that your hand will fall off,” her brother said darkly.
She stopped. Vicuna widened her eyes and inspected her hand more carefully. That bastard! He used his own tokua to destroy my wrist.
A black web had appeared around her hand, extending toward her elbow. Daimin didn’t simply break her wrist; he attacked it with his tokua, sending his machines gnawing at her bones. The result would leave her with a detached hand in minutes. If Urai hadn’t stopped Daimin, Vicuna would have lost more than her hand, she would have lost her arm. She spun around.
“How dare you do this to me?” Vicuna screeched at her brother, letting him see her tears falls. She could care less if he saw her weakness. She didn’t care anymore. Let him see because it would be the last time that she would ever let him see her again.
“Calm down. If you let Dr. Pelore treat you, then everything will be fine.”
“No, I don’t… want… his treatment. I don’t want anything from you!”
Daimin stepped forward with his hands in his pocket. “Don’t be foolish. Do you want to lose your hand?”
“Wasn’t that your intention in the first place? Or wait. Didn’t you want my arm!”
Vicuna glared at Daimin and used the incredible strength her tokua gave her to rip her black webbed arm from her shoulder. Breathing fast, Vicuna bent over, shaking all over. Her entire body perspired, even soaking her short black hair. She observed her detached arm and the sight made her laugh. Standing up straight, she threw the limb at her brother’s chest. Blood poured generously from her wound, staining the office’s carpet. Vicuna went drunk from the pain.
“Isn’t that what you wanted?” she asked again, laughing sinisterly. “I wouldn’t want it anyway. It’s infested with your disgusting tokua.”
Daimin remained silent. He hadn’t even flinched when Vicuna had thrown her arm at him. He stood stone still.
She smiled. “Really big brother, I wish I could see your expression right now, but since I don’t feel like losing another arm, I’ll just use my imagination. And you know what…I find my imagination quite pleasurable because I’m sure it’s close to the reality.” She smoothed back her wet hair. “I guess I’ll be seeing Jiis after all. I’m going to ask him for a pretty new arm.”
“I can’t believe it. You’re crazy Vicuna,” her brother whispered.
She stopped smiling, turning her face to stone. She had finally broken her brother’s cool composure. However, instead of feeling victorious, Vicuna felt frightened.
“If I’m crazy then what does that make you? It’s so disturbing to know that I have a brother so… there’s really no word for it.” Vicuna left him with those remaining words.
As she was stepping out of his office, Urai walked in with the doctor. When the commander saw Vicuna’s limb beneath Daimin’s feet, she covered her mouth from alarm.
“Daimin, what have you done!”
“Don’t flatter him like that. I just gave him a present,” Vicuna told her. She moved closer to Urai, inspecting the woman’s wide green eyes. Specks of silver spotted them. Vicuna smiled. “I don’t know who you think you are Urai Weissler, but my brother will never love you so don’t you dare love him unless…unless you want to die like all his other commanders.”
Urai gaped at Vicuna.
“Remember. Four months. I want everything in four months,” she reminded the commander.
When she had made her way inside the elevator, Vicuna slid to the ground. She sent her tokua to her wound, making them plug the bleeding. The Bacaran also used the nano-machines to rejuvenate her dwindling energy. Leaning her head back against the hall, Vicuna chuckled.
Just wait for me, mother. I will give you the heads of the Xuartish on a diamond platter. And with the heads of those children, I will give you five human sectors. All for you, Emaizi. Tears escaped from Vicuna’s eyes. Just wait and see how I bring destruction and ruin to everything. No one and nothing will escape my reach. And then…
“And then, you will call me your most beloved. Cast Daimin aside and welcome only me.”
The elevator doors opened. Vicuna smiled at the man standing across from her. His shocked expression tickled her, grabbing a giggle from her throat.
“Ah Jiis, you’re just the person I wanted to see the most.”
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

Please check out my blog: sammysuzuhara.blogspot.com




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'Ello :D

Firstly, I think this is kinda a lot for one post, next time you might want to break it up into several sections; part one part two and the like.


Okay. You're beginning is kinda slow, and it doesn't really have a hook to draw me in. What you have is the back-story being crammed in between being introduced to Vicuna, and to them arriving at the house. It's good that you'd got this planned out, and I know how exciting it can be to try and show your reader everything that you've come up with, but I think for the start it would be good to hold in the information and get to the action ^^

Vicuna sat agitated as her long black vehicle hovered noiselessly in the night. It drove through an expansive private land with manicured grass and wide-trunk trees spaced in perfect arrays on each side of a black metal pathway. Glass cube canisters emanating yellow light floated alongside the road that led to a massive dark brown chateau. No crickets sang and no birds fluttered from the trees; the land was barren of all animal life. Cleansed would be the correct word, Vicuna thought as she tightened her lips at the sights across from the limousine’s dark tinted windows.

There's all these nice little details about the surrounding area, but just how many of them are going to be visible at night? I think it's pretty hard to tell how well-kept a lawn is when it's dark ;D not to mention that the cars windows are darkly tinted, so it's going to be hard for Vicuna to see them too. Again it's a lot of information at once, how much of it is important at this stage, when we're being introduced to everything? If you think it can wait for later, then cut it for the time being.

I’ll just get in, place my orders, and then leave.

This should be italicised as it's internal thought.


This actually reminded me why I don't tend to read military-based sci-fi, once we get to all the different planets and troops and places there's far too many names for me to keep up with and my brain just shuts down. Again, this is kinda an information overload, try to introduce us to the complex ins and outs slowly, otherwise none of it tends to sink in. Just break it up and spread it out a bit :D

Speaking of remembering, so many characters at once! It's kinda hard to remember them all XD Vicuna and Daimin I can but the others don't really seem prominent. The names are kinda tricky and difficult to pronounce, like Jiis, it might be worth simplifying them a bit.

Try not to include unesseccary descriptions, telling us little details like what the doors on a corridor look like don't really add anything, and just tend to slow up the progression of the story. Have a look through and look for any that don't really contribute anything.


Overall this had me interested, but it was a bit hard to get through, mainly because there was so much that was so detailed, and there wasn't a lot happening apart from the part where the siblings have a bit of a scrap. I think it could do with a bit of simplification at the moment ^^ you have a nice idea, so take your time introducing us to it :3


Hope I was of some help :D feel free to drop me a PM if you have any questions or anything!
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Thanks! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted this. It's a segment in the middle of my book.
With tears in my eyes and blood in my hands, I pull through and conquer my fears. ~Zackaria Kato

Please check out my blog: sammysuzuhara.blogspot.com



Vampires aren't real, but you know what is? And far more annoying? MOSQUITOS
— LadyMysterio