Chloe

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Chloe

Chloe felt as though four months of false hopes, dead ends and being passed from consultant to consultant had ended as soon as the glass doors slipped shut behind them. The motion was too abrupt to be fair. She stared back for a moment with her eyes wide, yearning for the simpler life, the open spaces around her home, even the flat grey of the car park which was still within her sight. In the clean closing of automatic doors, all of it had been swept from her grasp.

She took Noah’s hand and led him towards the reception, though it was plain for anyone to see that she was the more reluctant of the two. With every step she seemed to shrink in comparison to the lobby’s high ceiling. Aware of this herself, she glanced up at the steel beams and nests of lights above them, heavenward. The space was like an ancient woodland, but with no patchwork of sky here to stretch above their heads.

Members of the varied cast which kept this very grown up place ticking over passed them by. With every breath, Chloe felt more like a lost child herself.

In chairs which lined a quieter yet somehow more oppressive wing, everything from the noises in the distance to the sickly odour of pot pourri there to mask the disinfectant put her ill at ease. It was meant to smell like pine woods. She knew far better.

For a while Chloe paced around the waiting room, going between the notice board and the carousel of pamphlets. She looked down to Noah’s level, each time startled that something in the lighting was making this mystery illness all but apparent in his face. The bluish hue which bathed the chairs made her son look almost hollow. As he sat there and watched her, his skin was stretched. His shoulders were thin. Even under the coat she had insisted he wear the new angles were accented. And though Chloe squeezed his hand in reassurance, the smile which should have been able to lift her heart for the depths of this anxiety seemed far too old for him to have to bear. Finally seated, she reverted back to old habits, fingering the silver cross which hung around her neck.

Still in utter silence, Chloe stroked his hair. It was soft, smelling faintly of the gentle shampoo they used at home and it curled behind his ear. What with one thing or another, trips to the hairdresser had been forgotten in the past few weeks but either way, it was more for her own comfort than anything else. When she touched him, it meant she didn’t have to inspire him to talk.

Time had grown lethargic, conversation now on a par with that they exchanged four hours past Noah’s bedtime. Three magazines with their covers mismatched and all the best articles torn out, lay abandoned on the chair beside them, though quite why she had thought he would be interested in celebrity, digital photography and angling was uncertain. Chloe squinted up to the small clock which hung over the reception desk, feeling as weak as if this appointment was all for her benefit. She was restless. She slouched forwards to fix her eyes on the skirting rather than the other empty chairs then sat uncomfortably straight. Each phase of her fidgeting though, was incomplete, the better to hide her distress from the only person in the world who mattered.

The doctors, in shirts and loosened ties instead of crisp white coats, were running late. Eleven o’ clock and in the morning and already they were three patients behind. But now they were alone, huddled together in an isolating silence. While his mind wandered, she was praying.

It was inevitable that their turn would come next.

It wasn’t clear that this would be an end to anything at all. But how to explain to a child of eight why, in the middle of a school day, they were here in a clinic with patients seven times his age? Chloe wondered how much he actually understood, or whether all he cared for were the toys he was given after they listened to his chest, the magical distractions for the hours Chloe had been cross examined on everything from his diet to his sleeping patterns. It was brutal, to be ordered here and kept in the dark after the hundredth test on her little boy had revealed what, over the phone, they would only call a “subtle irregularity.” While she was frantic, she wasn’t blind. The speed of it all had to mean that something was wrong, and she had enough experience of life to realise that if they hadn’t called it good news on the telephone, there was nothing here to be look forward too. Consequentially, she had been out of her mind all night. All Noah had asked was whether they would be back in time for lunch.
And so she found herself stroking his hair once again, thinking of his father, feeling nothing but a vague, selfish abandonment, which she quickly forced herself to dismiss. There were happier times to remember. This time last week, for example. All three of them had driven to the forest and walked through the trees for hours, Noah so tightly bundled in knitwear that only his eyes were visible.

“So what obscure part of the world is it next week?” she had asked. The scent of the thawing earth and the sap cloyed in the air around them.

His father smiled back. “You don’t want to know.”

“Will you buy me presents?”

They laughed at Noah’s interjection. They had always laughed with ease.

She could still find refuge in the softness of the weave of pine needles beneath her boots. The sun lanced through the cathedral columns of the trees. The light held all the colour of buttermilk. She breathed in the vital perfume of the air once again.

“I don’t think you should go,” she had told him. Chloe had shaken her head, hair tousling loose from underneath her hat. “You should stay with us forever.”

The appointment not yet confirmed, and Noah’s apparent fragility forgotten for the afternoon, they had each taken one of his gloved hands and swung him off his feet.

He had left the next day, under cover of a hideously early flight and so they came to find themselves on opposite sides of the world. Simply because she was alone to bear the hideous load, a subtle irregularity seemed suddenly to have enough teeth to eat them all alive. She needed him here, this man she found herself loving more and more as the years passed them. Even if it would be all he could do to make her laugh in the face of this, even if that in itself would have been guilt ridden, Chloe wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. He had left, worried of course but still thinking that this would be another ten days to wait for no conclusion at all. It seemed unfair that he knew nothing at all of events at home.

But how self centred, to wish him here. Even left alone, they should have been able to cope. Their son, in his half boredom, half rational fear of these tall doctors who kept flitting past them, files in hand, could nestle against Chloe’s shoulder. In a kinder world, she would be able to lean back and let her husband catch her. He was the one who had to be strong enough for all three.

Chloe watched from the corner of her eye as the last patient talked shortly to the receptionist. With a forced smile he left, prescription crumpled in his hand, looking somehow far more ill than when he had been called in.

Chloe’s mind tore itself apart. She had barely fallen asleep on her own. She hadn’t been able keep her heart enough in check to drive here today. This weak already, it seemed utterly implausible that she would find the courage to hear what it was about her child that seemed to have the professionals so ill at ease.

She took Noah’s hand again, then gave up on trying to be restrained and buried her face in his hair. He recoiled and, though the sound was closer to a son, he managed to make her laugh.

In the new panic, akin to fear for her own life, she considered whether in the moment it would take to sign off on the last case and disinfect the doctor’s office, she would be able to reach her husband and spill out this panic. Mobiles were banned. She had no change for the patient pay phones but she could have begged the receptionist and called across ten time zones from behind the desk. She was desperate enough.

The doctor appeared, striding from a corridor with no windows. His office door was still ajar behind him. He wore a nametag which was barely straight and the look he gave her from behind his thick glasses, the kind of look that only a finely tuned and frenzied mother could possibly register, made him seem nothing short of a bringer of appalling news.

He called her son by name.
"I want my journey to be full of laughter"

Final Fantasy X




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Wow, my real name is Chloe. And that's one reason why I had to review this. Funny isn't it? On to the review:

even the flat grey of the car park

I know what you mean, but say it differently.

In chairs which lined a quieter yet somehow more oppressive wing, everything from the noises in the distance to the sickly odor of potpourri,

Potpourri is one word.

Three magazines with their covers mismatched and all the best articles torn out, lay abandoned on the chair beside them, though why, she had thought he would be interested in celebrity, digital photography and angling was uncertain.

I just changed the arrangement of some words.
Each phase of her fidgeting was incomplete, though for the better to hide her distress from the only person in the world who mattered.

Again I changed the order.

Chloe wondered how much he actually understood, or whether all he cared for were the toys he was given after they listened to his chest, the magical distractions for the hours Chloe had been cross examined on everything from his diet to his sleeping patterns.

The part in bold, needs to be changed. I didn't understand it that well.

The speed of it all had to mean that something was wrong, and she had enough experience of life to realize that if they hadn’t called it good news on the telephone, there was nothing here to be look forward too.

Realize was spelled wrong. I changed it here though.

Noah’s father smiled back. “You don’t want to know.”

I changed it to Noah instead of his. It makes it less confusing.

How self centered, to wish him here.

I deleted the but and changed the spelling mistake.

I love this story, it was really catchy. It's suspenseful, and it is really well written. I'm giving it a gold star! Yay!
Formerly known as Vivacious.

Full of Cliches:a challenge to see who can write a piece with the most cliches.




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Great story so, on with the review!!!!

His shoulders were thin, even under the coat she had insisted he wear the new angles were accented.

I just added a comma, I'm not sure if that is exactly right, "His shoulders were thin," Just seemed short to me.

That's really all I could find. I'm super tired but it was really good. Keep it up, some of the sentences are really short. You could probably combine some of them to make them longer. Overall though, it's good. I liked it and it kept my interest. Really descriptive as well. :D
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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Hi there! I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today! :)

She took Noah’s hand and led him towards the reception, though it was plain for anyone to see that she was the more reluctant of the two.


How is it plain for anyone to see that she's more reluctant? I only know because you told me. Don't tell us, show us. Describe her actions so that we know she's reluctant. Simply telling us just ruins all the fun.

Members of the varied cast which kept this very grown up place ticking over passed them by. With every breath, Chloe felt more like a lost child herself.


You might consider putting the part about the lost child at the beginning, and rewrite it like, "Members of the varied cast that kept this place ticking passed them by. With every breath, Chloe felt more like a lost child herself, stuck in a very grown up world." It adds more variety this way, though the ultimate choice is up to you.

So, enough nitpicking. Let's look at the overall structure of this story. I liked it, to tell the truth. I have never really seen a hospital depicted as a scary place before, and it works very well. Kudos to you on that.

I said something about this earlier, but it is important enough that it bears repeating. I think that you need to work a little on showing us what's going on, rather than simply telling us, "So and so feels this way." Describe body language, facial expressions, use that to your advantage. It's a lot more fun for the reader if we can figure out for ourselves what a character is feeling based on your descriptions. Just telling us takes all the fun out of it. :)

But, other than that, I can't find much wrong with this. This is a good story that you have here. It just needs a little bit of work before it can be great. Good job, and good luck.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.



All hail the mighty Glow Cloud.
— Welcome to Night Vale