The Dark

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Sorry for the long wait. I know everyone really likes this series. It's 3:30 AM right now, and I just finished this. I scared the crap out of me when I wrote this. I hope it frightens you a bit too. And, good news! I know where this is finally heading! So expect the last part shortly.

This is part 6/7 of the Séance Series.

-

Dark [Dark] –adj.
Evil; iniquitous; wicked; having to do with evil or sinister themes.

“He’s coming, right?” I asked Brianne as she licked her dry lips. She rolled her eyes.
“Of course he’s coming! Why wouldn’t he? He called Richard and told him he’ll be here. Cool it, Jen,” Brianne replied in a hushed tone, pointing her index finger to Sam, who was hovering over the Ouija board. His face was different somehow. I couldn’t place it, but there was a sharper look in his usually round face. Dark bags hung under his eyes.
It made him seem dead, really.
We were all huddled in Sam’s bedroom, squished together like bats in a small cave. Brianne, Richard, Sam and I, that is. The Ouija board, as usual, was placed on the floor, opened up. The planchette was directly in the middle.
No one dared to touch it.
I glanced out of the window, through the blinds, and my breath was caught in my throat. Was that Steven? No, it couldn’t be. Yes—Yes it was. He was walking down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets and a hood draped over his head. He was obviously gloomy, from the look on his darkened face as he approached the front door.
The clouds in the sky threatened a power outage, which I really didn’t want to happen, especially now. Especially when we were about to perform a séance.
I didn’t dare go and greet Steven; I made Brianne promise me that she’d stay by me the entire time and not let him talk to me.
I knew, of course, that that’d be literally impossible. Still, it was worth a try. I didn’t want to be confronted by him.
The doorbell rang once, and Sam looked up from the board. All conversation stopped as we all looked at each other. I’d told them of what he’d done to me. Richard and Brianne already knew—they had tried to persuade him to come back to our little group. No one wanted to be with him anymore, even though he had sincerely apologized.
“I’ll get it,” Richard muttered as he stood up from the corner at which he sat. His face was drawn and pale too: a characteristic almost all of us in the room shared. Richard left the room, and a few moments later, he returned with Steven. The constant knot in my stomach pulled tighter as I struggled to avoid his eye.
“Right,” Sam spoke clearly, sighing. “I think we need to get our hands dirty pretty quickly. Parents are coming home soon. Let’s get this done and over with. Richard, care to explain what we’re going to be doing?”
Richard nodded and spoke, “I’ve promised you guys a dozen times or so that that would the last séance we ever did. I lied again and again and again. I’m sorry. But now I’m telling the truth. I’m sick of all of this. You are too. Lillian’s dead. Roger’s missing. What’s going to happen next?”
“We’re all going to die,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “It has a pattern.”
“Exactly!” Richard exclaimed. “A pattern. Lillian knows what this pattern is. She can help us.”
“She’s dead,” Steven interrupted, clearing his throat and chewing on his lip. “She can’t talk to us if she’s dead.”
“Listen dude,” Sam said to Steven, “just listen to what Richard’s saying. We have been talking to Lillian. She knows who’s next and also knows how we can stop it.”
“What’s ‘it’?” Brianne asked, twirling her hair around her fingers. I glanced at Richard, still avoiding Steven’s sullen eyes.
“The dark angel that Lillian’s been warning us about. It’s the one that killed her and took Roger away. We need to get Roger back. I don’t think he’s dead. Lillian hasn’t said anything on the matter, however. She hasn’t said whether he’s alive or dead. So I’m going to assume he’s alive.”
“Dude,” Sam muttered, “hurry! Let’s get this over with before my old folks come home!”
“Sorry,” Richard said, gathering his thoughts. “We need to talk to this dark angel, or whatever it is. We need to find out what it wants, and we also need to find out how we’re going to get rid of it. Let’s get started.”
I nodded and scooted closer to the Ouija board. I’d basically memorized the routine, as I’d done it a few times. Richard and Sam were the two members that placed their fingertips on the planchette. Brianne turned the lights off, leaving my side for a brief moment or two. In those sparse moments, I looked into Steven’s eyes. He stared back with the same emotion (sorrow, guilt) that I kept bottled inside. I quickly glanced away and rested my eyes on the planchette.
Thunder roared in the distance; the knot in my stomach pulled tighter.
“Are there any spirits here today that would like to converse with us?” Richard whispered into the fragile air.
Lightning (one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi). Silence surrounded us for many moments. I shut my eyes and squeezed Brianne’s hand.
Nothing.
“Are there—” Richard began again, but was cut off by Sam.
“Shh! Let the spirits come to us!” he whispered.
They sat in silence for a few moments longer. They seemed like hours. The silence droned on and on and on—
Thunder (one Mississippi, two Mississippi).
A quiet noise came from the other room. Surely that was a footstep? I peeked out of my right eye. Apparently the others had heard it too.
“Did you hear that?” I whispered. They all stared at me as we waited for another—
Again! There it was! A footstep coming from the other room. And another. Even another! My heart leaped into my throat.
“I thought you said we were alone, Sam,” Steven muttered.
“I thought so,” Sam replied, holding his fingers firmly against the planchette. It was quivering slightly. Not even for anyone to notice, but enough to feel under their fingers.
“Are there any spirits here today that would like to converse with us?” Richard repeated from memory. There was another footstep coming from the other room. Chills swept up and down my spine and I squinted my eye open again and fear flushed down through me and I didn’t want to continue any longer.
“Please, hurry,” I whispered.
“Are there any—”
WHAM! I uttered a loud scream and jerked backwards, away from the closed bedroom door. Someone had just thrown themselves into the door with a sickening thud. The noise echoed throughout the room for a brief moment. Everyone remained motionless.
Steven was breathing quickly. I watched him out of the corner of my eye.
“What was that?” Brianne asked suddenly. I turned my attention back to the door and froze.
It couldn’t be blood, could it? But it was. Blood was oozing out from the sides of the door. It dripped from the top, down the walls, into the carpet, through the doorknob. Thick, red, swollen blood.
“What’s going on?” Richard asked, and gained no reply.
WHAM! There it was again! Something was throwing itself into the door with an amazing force, and it made the door shudder and blood leak out quicker. The carpet was dying red.
“Christ, what’s happening?” Steven said, his face disfigured with horror. Without warning, I heard a sickening splat! that I never forgot in years to come. Everyone in the room screamed—me being the loudest. I craned my neck to glance behind me. Blood was sprayed over the window, drenching the sunlight into a grotesque color of scarlet.
“Stop it, Richard! Make them stop!” Sam cried.
“How? I don’t know what to—” WHAM! “—do!”
The planchette jerked off onto a section of the board, and Sam and Richard’s eyes followed it.
“Watch everyone! What’s it saying?” I read the letters out loud that the planchette landed on.
“B… U… R… N… T… H… E… B…O—” WHAM! It was getting louder with every thud. The blood continued to ooze and the door was beginning to splinter.
“A… R… D…”
The planchette swiveled to a halt and I yelled, “Burn the board!”
The door burst open, sending splinters flying everywhere. One of them caught a hold of my arm and impaled it, leaving a deep cut. But I didn’t notice that. Everyone’s attention was focused on the door.
There was a figure draped in a black robe. We only saw it for a brief, few moments until he disappeared altogether. It had no nose—that was one of the first things I noticed. Its skin was as an albino’s was. It had sharp, angular features. No hair, as far as I could tell.
I screamed again as it opened his mouth to speak.
“You cannot destroy me.” It wasn’t even a voice, I would later discover when I mulled about it. It was more of a hiss, like the one a snake would make.
Snake. Serpent. Lucifer. The devil’s forked tongue slithered out between words.
“I am Life,” it muttered. “I am You.”
And just like that, he was gone as quickly as he had come, leaving no time for yelling, screaming or suffering. The blood remained, however. The blood that squished when you walked over it. The blood that would stain my clothes and thoughts for years to come. The door, also, remained shattered, bits and pieces lying amongst the room, some on the floor, some stuck into our skin. Some were lying on the Ouija board.
All that remained were five immensely frightened teenagers with a plan to destroy the devil.
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hello, Stella here! Agh! Suspenseful, right?

I. NITPICKS

The clouds in the sky threatened a power outage, which I really didn’t want to happen, especially now. Especially when we were about to perform a séance.


Clouds don't signify a powercut. Perhaps some rephrasing: "The sky was overcast with storm clouds, and I was afraid of there being a power cut [outage, in the US, I guess." It just sounds a bit off the way it is.

I didn’t dare go and greet Steven; I made Brianne promise me that she’d stay by me the entire time and not let him talk to me.


So Brianne knows what happened? How did she take it? Are her and Jen best friends? Do the others know?

The constant knot in my stomach pulled tighter as I struggled to avoid his eye.


Is he looking at her?

“Dude,” Sam muttered, “hurry! Let’s get this over with before my old folks come home!”


Okay, now perhaps this, like power outage, is a regional thing, but here, I would put "the folks" rather than "my old folks."

Lightning (one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi).


Okay, I love this. It's so cool. But as the WHAM happens, does lightning happen? I expect it does, and it's right above them. It's just that since you don't mention it, we're not sure, so could you just shove it in there?

Thunder (one Mississippi, two Mississippi).


Lightning, you mean, I think. You don't count after thunder.

through the doorknob.


Through the keyhole?

Thick, red, swollen blood.


Blood can be swollen?

“Christ, what’s happening?” Steven said, his face disfigured with horror. Without warning, I heard a sickening splat! that I never forgot in years to come. Everyone in the room screamed—me being the loudest. I craned my neck to glance behind me. Blood was sprayed over the window, drenching the sunlight into a grotesque color of scarlet.


Okay um... here's the deal, generally, the name of the Lord would put a stop to the devil, wouldn't it? I don't know if the usage was intentional, but if he's just swearing, then...

There was a figure draped in a black robe. We only saw it for a brief, few moments until he disappeared altogether. It had no nose—that was one of the first things I noticed. Its skin was as an albino’s was. It had sharp, angular features. No hair, as far as I could tell.


There's one question I have to ask: the devil or... Voldemort?!

All that remained were five immensely frightened teenagers with a plan to destroy the devil.


I'm not entirely sure about this as a last line...

Okay...

II. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS...

Characterization! The story's seriously creepy- I'm not trembling, but I am shivering from fright and from cold *goes and puts a fourth layer on*. But Jen... well, we know nothing much extra about her at the end than we did from the beginning except that she counts her seconds by Mississipis. The relationships between her and your other characters are good, I'm looking at Stephen and Brianne here, but Jen herself. Make her more real...

III. WE ALL LOVE SUSPENSE...

I was nearly built up as they heard the footsteps, but it ended too quickly. Don't be afraid to drag it out a bit more. Scare us more. You want to make us scream...

IV. OVERALL

This review is regrettably short. But still loving the series, please put the last part up soon!

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Jared -

Ooooh. This is intense. I really enjoyed how you set things up. Very effecient and lean and mean. As always, a wonderful job.

[the devil's gone down to Georgia]

You, my friend, had me captivated. That is, until you told us that the person banging on the door and the individual who had been destroying these poor kids' lives was the devil himself. And then all of that lovely suspence was deflated and the story turned more into a farce than anything else to me. Think for a minute. Compare Satan to a Mafia boss. Compare these five kids to poor people who owe money to this Mafia boss. Now. Would the boss come to his debtees and shabump 'em himself or would he send some cronies to do his dirty work? I would think that the Mafia boss would be too high class to get his hands dirty on five people who don't even matter that much.

Same thing with Satan. I would assume that he's way too high class to go to put on that fireworks display of blood and WHAMs for a bunch of kids. What's so special about them? It's just not *realistic*. It sounds like something in a dime store novel, if you ask me.

[i am zeh Terminator, yjah]

And, refering to your closing line, since when have these kids wanted to destroy the devil? Wasn't their original purpose to talk to Lillian? When did destruction ever come into the game?

[misc]

I asked Brianne as she licked her dry lips. She rolled her eyes.


This doesn't sound right to me. It's bulky because you include two descriptions of two different people in the same short sentence. Consider, "I asked Brianne. She licked her dry lips and rolled her eyes."

Lillian hasn’t said anything on the matter, however


Um. How many people your age do you know who say 'however' when they're having a normal conversation? Or 'on the matter'. Consider changing to, "Lillian hasn't said anything about that, though."

(one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi).


Good touch. I like it.

Anyway. I think your biggest problem with this one is conceptual. Why Satan? Why not the evil Grandma? Why the blood and guts and not something more dark and subtle?

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Gosh BBB. You put a end to my happy mood. That was so creepy, gross, and more words like that. You defiantely had some good description in this piece.
Now to reviewing, which Stella mostly took care of.

Characterization!...
But Jen... well, we know nothing much extra about her at the end than we did from the beginning except that she counts her seconds by Mississipis.

I agree with Stella on that. I really didn't know it was Jen until I re-read the post again. Maybe telling a bit more about everyone would help the post.
Also, is it really the devil or is it just a metaphor.
Other than that, I loved it! Besides the fact it was the creepiest thing I have read in a long while. Good job, and gold star! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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Hi, Jared!

I'm going to start with nit-picks.


“He’s coming, right?” I asked Brianne as she licked her dry lips. She rolled her eyes.


How can Jen know that Brianne's lips are dry? ;) Also, I couldn't help thinking that the two "she"s made this sound a little repetitive. I spent some minutes to make up a better way to say this bit, but I didn't come up with any, unfortunately. It would emphasize Jen's tone if she said: "He is coming, right?" instead the current one.


His face was different somehow.


"His face was somehow different" would sound better to me.


I couldn’t place it, but there was a sharper look in his usually round face. Dark bags hung under his eyes.


Here, Jen says she can't place the part of his face that was "somehow different", but isn't this exactly what she's doing? There were sharper look in his face and dark bags under his eyes. Sounds like placing to me. ;)


The Ouija board, as usual, was placed on the floor, opened up.


Right now, there's a little panting effect to this sentence, but I believe it'll disappear if you put "as usual" between dashes.
"The Ouija board – as usual – was placed on the floor, opened up."


The clouds in the sky threatened a power outage, which I really didn’t want to happen, especially now. Especially when we were about to perform a séance.


I'd combine the sentences, like this: "...which I really didn't want to happen, especially now that we were about to perform a séance.". You might have meant the current "especially" repetition as an effect, but I don't think it's necessary.


I didn’t dare go and greet Steven; I made Brianne promise me


I'd/I had made Brianne promise me...


I’d told them of what he’d done to me. Richard and Brianne already knew


Hmm? Isn't it quite obvious that they already knew if Jen had told them? I got a little confused.


“I’ll get it,” Richard muttered as he stood up from the corner at which he sat. His face was drawn and pale too:


No need for "at which he sat" and the "too" in the end.


Parents are coming home soon. Let’s get this done and over with.


"My parents" would sound better, methinks. Would someone actually say "Let's get this done and over with"? That "over with" just seems awkward and unneeded. Also, if Sam said only "Let's get this done", I think that his impatience would be clearer.


what we’re going to be doing?


I think "what we'll be doing" would sound better.


I’ve promised you guys a dozen times or so that that would the last séance we ever did. I lied again and again and again.


Compare this to "I've promised you guys at least ten times that we wouldn't be doing anymore séances. But I lied everytime." I think the latter just flows better, but I can't really tell you to replace the current with it, because it's your story and you know best. It was merely a suggestion :)


“Listen dude,” Sam said to Steven


Comma after listen.


Brianne asked, twirling her hair around her fingers.


Her hair-twirling is not very believable, since they're all supposed to be scared and nervous. I associate hair-twirling with flirting, which doesn't seem to fit in this situation. Of course, you can twirl your hair nervously, and so I think you should add "twirling her hair nervously around her fingers".


Surely that was a footstep?


I think "Was that a footstep?" would add up the paranoia. :)



Overall:

As always, I was thoroughly engaged to the story. You know it well yourself that you can keep the reader interested for the whole chapter. I was glad to read more, and as you said, it's kind of sad it's going to end soon. But I really couldn't help the feeling of disappointment when this evil creature of yours appeared. The whole devil thing was just so clichéed, I can't say I liked it all. Don't get me wrong – the chapter itself was very good, and I have to admit you described the creature well (though I feel that they all look the same!) and was able to keep the atmosphere scary, but the whole thing was like from a bad movie.

However, I'm looking forward to finding out the rest of the events. Maybe the creature turns out to be just a hallucination ;)
So PM me when the end comes up.

Thanks for the read.


Demeter xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Well, 'allo, 'allo there! Sorry it took me so long to finally work around to leaving you a review.

Wow, this was suspenseful. When the blood started leaking through the door, I was seriously on the edge of my seat. It played out like a movie in my head. Most excellent.

Then...

Gah, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but it still applies: the story sort of loses the suspense element when the door breaks in. What if it didn't? What if the door just bleeds and the thumping continues and all the kids are freaking out and then it all just... stops. The blood doesn't go away, the kids are still freaked out, but the banging just stops. Then everyone is all freaked out and then, hmmm... I dunno, the door breaks down then in the quiet moment, or we just hear a voice or something.

It just didn't do it for me when the dude was at the door. Seriously, everything up until then was scary. Really scary. But then the reveal comes and it all sort of falls flat.

I've noticed this pattern in a lot of other works (some great movies and books among them) where there is a lot of suspense, but the final reveal isn't so hot. I think it's just that you have built the suspense up so high and made the reader's expectations so great that really nothing can satisfy them.

So lower your standards, mkay? It's the solution to all problems! ;)

Just kidding. This is an awesome story and I can't believe it's almost over.

I loved everyone's reactions when the door was being pounded on. Seriously, they were so real as they freaked out and couldn't do anything about it. Masterfully captured, my friend. Before they really started with the board, though, everyone seems really together. Richard especially. He sounds like he is really in control of himself. Is he really, or is he just nervous chattering? You do make a reference to his gathering his thoughts. That implies he wasn't really thinking about what he was saying before, and yet he said quite a lot. So was it nervous rambling? If so, you might want to have a bit more of his body language (nervously fiddling with something, or breathing really fast, etc.) so that we can tell he is nervous. He doesn't seem all that scared just from that huge block of text.

I'm laying in wait for the next one. I want to see how this all turns out! *rubs hands together expectantly*

*two thumbs way up* Keep on dazzlin' us!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Hey Jare-bear!

I apologize for getting to this late, cuz now everyone has gotten to the nit-picks! But don't worry, I have a few things of my own that I am concerned about. I wasn't really entertained in the beginning, it kinda just dragged on but then the middle to the end was excellent and full of suspense...so I'd suggest more hook. Nothing major, just a few tweaks here and there...

Also, your dialog becomes a mouthful at times and I know people can talk a mile a minute, but its kinda heavy on the eyes, you know? I'd put some of these sentences on a diet.

Oh and as Stella said, don't be afraid to go the extra mile. Freak us out! Make us want to crawl under our beds or sleep with the lights on. This story is creepy, but it doesn't have enough.

I love your descriptions at places, but I feel there can be a little bit more.

All in all, great job and keep writing!

~Angel
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star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Hey Jared, I'm sorry this has taken so long.

A few things:

The clouds in the sky threatened a power outage, which I really didn’t want to happen, especially now. Especially when we were about to perform a séance.

I agree with the others about this line. The second line is also unnecessary as we can gather from the other line why Jen wouldn't want this. Just have a fiddle with these and find an alternative that fits.

I didn’t want to be confronted by him

Here is an excellent opportunity to do some characterisation. Have Jen reflect on what Steven did to her and the pain he caused. Really show the reader how scared she is of him now - how her opinion has changed of him. Does just the idea of him repulse her?

—they had tried to persuade him to come back to our little group. No one wanted to be with him anymore, even though he had sincerely apologized.

This sort of contradicts itself. You say that they had tried to persuade him to come back but then you say that no one wanted to be with him anymore.

before my old folks come home!”

Scrap 'old'. It just slows the sentence down and doesn't sound quite right.

I’d basically memorized the routine, as I’d done it a few times.

'Basically' just doesn't seem to fit the sentence, scrap it.

He stared back with the same emotion (sorrow, guilt) that I kept bottled inside.

Instead of using brackets you may want to use a dash instead. It breaks the sentence up in a different way, that keeps the flow.

I uttered a loud scream and jerked backwards

You can't utter a loud scream - try using a different word here.

All that remained were five immensely frightened teenagers with a plan to destroy the devil.

This last line isn't as strong as I think you could make it be. It also doesn't convey the right emotions for the piece. It alludes to bravery and strength, rather than fear and horror of what just happened. Either chop it in half or change the end of it.

Overall

This was a good piece and I liked the end, with the onomatopoeia and the blood etc. I also enjoyed the Mississippi way of counting - it added some more character to the otherwise slightly flat Jen.

You really, really need to work on characterisation. A reader will only care about your story if he/she can feel something for the characters. This doesn't necessarily have to be like, just something. If you improve your characters, you story will flow better and develop more.
As others have also said, don't be afraid to drag out the suspense as much as possible. Torture your characters, torture your readers. We'll love you for it. :D

All the best, Jared.


Alainna
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Richard nodded and spoke, “I’ve promised you guys a dozen times or so that that would the last séance we ever did. I lied again and again and again. I’m sorry. But now I’m telling the truth. I’m sick of all of this. You are too. Lillian’s dead. Roger’s missing. What’s going to happen next?”


This just didn't sound right to me. I think that it should probably be: "... would be the last seance we ever did." I think you just got a bit ahead of yourself.
- - -
"He stared back with the same emotion (sorrow, guilt) that I kept bottled inside."


So, instead of using the brackets, do something like this: "He stared back with the same emotion-- sorrow, guilt-- that I kept bottled inside."
- - -
"Not even for anyone to notice, but enough to feel under their fingers."


I do believe you mean "Not enough..."
- - -
"Chills swept up and down my spine and I squinted my eye open again and fear flushed down through me and I didn’t want to continue any longer."


I think you should split these up into scentences. "Chills swept up and down my spine.[s]and[/s] I squinted my eye open again[b], fear flushed down through me-- I didn't want to continue any longer." <-- at least, this sounds right to me...
- - -
"Without warning, I heard a sickening splat! that I never forgot in years to come."


I'm pretty sure here it can be changed to: "Without warning, I heard a sickening splat! that I will never forget in years to come."
- - -
"We only saw it for a brief, few moments until he disappeared altogether."


Eliminate the comma, and this scentence is fine. =]
- - -
"It had no nose—that was one of the first things I noticed. Its skin was as an albino’s was. It had sharp, angular features. No hair, as far as I could tell."


Okay, this is just utterly creepy. I'm glad I read this during the day!
- - -

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Good, good. Actually, creepy. Very creepy. The worst part was when the thing crashed into the door. No, wait, when the thing started walking towards the door, and then crashed into it.

A few little scentence structures that was off, or maybe they weren't off. Maybe it was just me that was off.... <-- ignore.

I-- personally-- think that the setting was a little cliché. The reason being is with the whole thunder crashing outside. If it were me, I'd probably just do some really ultra clear night, with a slit for a moon. But I'd make it really dark. After all, none of us know what lurks beyond out sight. None of us know what happens in the unknow. (Eep. I'm creeping myself out! I have a fear of heights and depths because of all this unknown crap!)

But, other than that! DAH DAH DAH! UN GOLD STAR POUR VOUS!

LaReina!
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."

-- Oscar Wilde



Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison