Abyss

*I have always tried to create an overarching mythology for a lot of my stories. The Deep, a mystical sea in which the multiverse floats, is one part of that mythology. This is another*

The darkness dreams in his prison.

We'll not draw any nearer to him, for he's a tricky one, and even in slumber he may do us harm. Yet we'll still gaze upon him.

Look at him. 'Behold, the conqueror worm,' as another might have said. For that is what he is; a great worm that once held entire universes under his sway. That is no small thing; only a handful of beings can lay claim to such an accomplishment. He is the greatest of that number, all others pale before his power. But, that was in the other time, before the Deep uprooted itself, churned with anger, and he was imprisoned.

It is hard to believe, isn't it? Even considering his immense scale, you find it hard to believe that this one was once the foe of the multiverse. Yet it is true. Once he spewed forth darkness and venom, and would have conquered all, had he not been sealed away.

So long ago, so long ago that no fleshy mind remembers it, and yet so strong is his legacy that even now the mere whisper of his name makes those same minds shudder with dread. He will never be forgotten.

Take heart, he stirs, writhing and coiling in his sleep. Have you ever seen anything like this, anything like the dreaming spasures of the void itself? You have not.

The worlds breath easy, he grows still once more. You might think that there is nothing to fear from him. Here in this place, this prison deep within the heart of the multiverse, there could not be any threat from him anymore. Yet a prison needs guards, and the only ones who could do that deed died to seal him there.

In his dreams he reaches forth, searching for a way to escape this binding slumber. And that will happen. It has been written in the prophecies of a billion worlds, set down as fact from the moment when he was first imprisoned. He will not stay like this forever.

A day will come when, in his sleep, he will bring down the very foundations of his cell. A child will die alone , a star will go nova and take two civilizations with it, a rose will wither in the winter, the Deep itself will scream in fear, and he will wake again. Oh, woe and lamentation, he will be awake and free and angry. Woe to all worlds on that day.

Yet he still sleeps, and in that we are blessed. While he slumbers lives may be lived without his influence, lives full of hope, love, and light. And we may use these days to ready ourselves for that coming horror, so that we may stand against him when he comes.

We shall go now. There nothing more to see. Yet mark in your heart the things you have seen and remember this. He is always dreaming to escape. As you go on to other stories, other tales of other places far removed from this one, remember that he wants to wake. His dreams are more fitful now, his times of stillness shorter. It will not be long.

Abyss will soon awake.

Hi! I'm Hannah! I really like this piece -- it definitely carries that mythological air to it but seems relevant at the same time. I mean, I can sort of picture the Abyss in a cage at some broken-down public zoo that hardly anyone visits. The tour guide is there and only one visitor listens to his description of what the world came to at one point. I guess that's just the sort of vision that I get. ^_^ Hehe, I really like it.

I do have some other comments, though! ^_^

Though the opening line is strong, I find the following passage not-so-great of a follow-up to it:

We'll not draw any nearer to him, for he's a tricky one, and even in slumber he may do us harm. Yet we'll still gaze upon him.

Look at him. 'Behold, the conqueror worm,' as another might have said.

For example, among the majestic tone of the rest of the piece 'tricky' seems an inadequate adjective for the 'Abyss' you are describing. 'Cunning' might serve as a suitable synonym? ^_^ Secondly, it confuses me why the narrator discards the 'Behold' sentence by saying only someone else would say it. Perhaps, if you don't want the narrator to have such a short sentence after 'Look at him.', and that's why you placed it in another's words, you might want to consider maybe having the narrator read that phrase off an engraving around the Abyss's cell, or an etching that some daredevil left. Just a suggestion that I hope makes sense. -shifty eyes-

Have you ever seen anything like this, anything like the dreaming spasures of the void itself? You have not.

Well, 'spasures' is not a word, unless you attempted to make a 'portmanteau' word like in Jabberwocky. Which would be cool, because even though it's not real, 'spasures' gets across the meaning you intended! If you don't want to keep a made-up word in your poem, I do think you might have meant 'spasms'. ^_^

We shall go now. There nothing more to see. Yet mark in your heart the things you have seen and remember this. He is always dreaming to escape.

I counted... and you use 'yet' as a point of contradiction seven times in this piece. It is apparent and gets a bit repetitive after a will. I don't think it's necessary to have so much contradiction in the first place! Try grouping alike thoughts in paragraphs rather than having duality in each paragraph. ^_^ I also feel like the last sentence in this passage is awkward. Perhaps 'plotting in his dreaming'? -shrugs-

I really like this piece, though! Good work! Keep it up~ ^_^ <3

Connie muffin cake sweetie--

The darkness dreams in his prison.

Since you're working on a personification, I think you should kick "the" and start with "Darkness dreams in his prison". It will create a Gaiman-y feel without actually being Gaiman-y.

For that is what he is; a great worm that once held entire universes under his sway. That is no small thing; only a handful of beings can lay claim to such an accomplishment.

Ditch the first semi-colon and use a colon instead.

So long ago, so long ago that no fleshy mind remembers it, and yet so strong is his legacy that even now the mere whisper of his name makes those same minds shudder with dread. He will never be forgotten.

Your dragging out the idea too much by this point. I say meld these sentences into the previous paragraph with your mad skillz.

The worlds breath easy

breathe

And that will happen. It has been written in the prophecies of a billion worlds

I don't like the word "billion" -- it seems a bit immature, like "there were billions of people there!" sort of thing. Instead of using a term which represents an actual quantity, try to be more abstract here possibly.

This is a nice piece, in a prelude manner -- this begs to be preceded by something. As a stand alone, this doesn't really have a lot of power, mainly because you don't give enough factual detail in this. It seems you're working really hard to create a foreboding and menacing air by repeating the same concepts without going into any worldly or characteristic details, which is fine for a prelude. On it's own, no, it's frustrating.

So, hm. I guess this means you should keep writing! Ha! Got you!

Love,

Claude

So long ago, so long ago that no fleshy mind remembers it, and yet so strong is his legacy that even now the mere whisper of his name makes those same minds shudder with dread. He will never be forgotten.

Fleshy mind? The mental image I'm getting can't possibly be what you were aiming for.

Take heart, he stirs, writhing and coiling in his sleep. Have you ever seen anything like this, anything like the dreaming spasures of the void itself? You have not.

"Take heart; he stirs, writhing a coiling in his sleep." Semi-colon there after heart.

Spasures?

The worlds breathe easy,(semi-colon here) he grows still once more. You might think that there is nothing to fear from him. Here in this place, this prison deep within the heart of the multiverse, there could not be any threat from him anymore. Yet a prison needs guards, and the only ones who could do that deed died to seal him there.

Perhaps rephrase the second sentence so you don't have to use the word 'from'? It doesn't sound right. Possibly: You might think that he gives us no reason to fear.



I couldn't find anything else. It's very well-written; the sophisticated, formal voice of our narrator is executed well. The mental image of the cell, and this dreaming figure ready to awake and wreak havoc...it comes across well.

There's nothing wrong with it. But, still...

I just can't adequately review it, for some odd reason. I liked it, certainly. The dark atmosphere is perfectly ominous. The warning tone of our guide has the right amount of showing and telling. I don't know. It's definately different.

But, I do think I'll be reminded of this while reading of other ultimate evils in other stories.

Sorry for my unhelpfulness. I just can't properly grasp this. It's good. Very good. Don't mind me and my ramblings. Good luck!

~Evi

Conrad -

I thought that there was a little too much telling here, and I'm not sure how I feel about being addressed directly (the whole second-person bit) -- it conjures up a more casual atmosphere, and I'm not sure that's what you were going for. Like Clo said, as a prelude, it's okay, but as a stand-alone, bleh. I think that in order to make this better, you need to work on showing us, rather than telling us, which is something I'm sure you're quite capable/aware of.

Maybe I just don't like prologues.

-Kylan