Lycanthropy: Post #1

Ignore the other Lycanthropy titles. They are completely different stories that I used this titles for.


It was warm summer night when I saw my first Lycan. I was working in my dad’s pub helping clean up after everyone left when a person stumbled through the front door of the pub. He looked sickly, his skin pale whit, red eyes dilated, and his body shacking uncontrollably. Even though it was warm outside he wore a heavy black leather jacket and most of his face was covered with a thick wool scarf. Then as suddenly as he came in he collapsed onto the floor, as if he died suddenly.

My father moving cautiously towards the stranger checked his pulse. “He’s unconscious,” he said standing up. “Lethero, go fetch Tom. Tell him to bring his medical supplies. Bring him to the spare bedroom when you return.”

I ran out of the building into the moon lit night. My feet pounded noisily as I ran to Tom’s house. He was the only person skilled in medicine in the town, but he was renowned as a miracle curer. As I approached the door I shouted out Tom’s name and pounded on his front door.

Tom opened the door and said in annoyance, “What do you want, boy. Some of us have to sleep.”

“Stranger,” I gasped, “at our pub . . . needs your help.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me sooner.” He disappeared back into his door, returned a few seconds latter with his bag of medical supplies, and ran in the direction of bar with me closely behind him.

When we arrived I ran up the stairs ahead of them and opened the door to the spare bedroom. What I found there I will never forget, I can’t forget. My father was lying on the floor, dead, a deep hole was in his neck with blood pouring freely out, and standing above him was a Lycan with my father’s blood on his grey muzzle. I screamed and ran towards the door, but before I had the chance it leapt on me and everything went black.



If you could, along with the grammar check, could you please offer me any suggestions on what I could add to it. It's short and I want to expand it a bit more. Any suggestions would be nice.

Hi! K, here's what I noticed:

One:

It was warm summer night when I saw my first Lycan. I was working in my dad’s pub helping clean up after everyone left when a person stumbled through the front door of the pub. He looked sickly, his skin pale whit, red eyes dilated, and his body shacking uncontrollably. Even though it was warm outside he wore a heavy black leather jacket and most of his face was covered with a thick wool scarf. Then as suddenly as he came in he collapsed onto the floor, as if he died suddenly.

"whit"= "white"
"shacking"="shaking"
The sentence where you described the stranger seems a bit grammatically incorrect to me, though, since I'm horrible at that kind fo stuff, I'm not entirely sure. It just seems as if it would sound better if it was more like "He looked scickly; his skin was bone white, his bloodred eyes dilated, and his body shook as uncontrollable tremors racked it" or soemthing.
As for the bolded sentence, I think that could use some editing to. My suggestion: "Then, as suddenly as he had arrived, he collapsed, falling to the ground in a crumpled heap."

Two:

My father moving cautiously towards the stranger checked his pulse. “He’s unconscious,” he said standing up. “Lethero, go fetch Tom. Tell him to bring his medical supplies. Bring him to the spare bedroom when you return.”

The frist sentence has mixed up tenses. "moving" should be "moved" and I think there should be a "and" between stranger and checked.
Also, you used bring twice. Try mixing that part up, more like "Tell him to bring his medical supplies. We'll be up in the spare bedroom when you return."

Three:

I ran out of the building into the moon lit night. My feet pounded noisily as I ran to Tom’s house. He was the only person skilled in medicine in the town, but he was renowned as a miracle curer. As I approached the door I shouted out Tom’s name and pounded on his front door.

The sentence I bolded needs to be edited in my opinion. You used "medical" twice and curer just seemed to be a bad word choice to me. My suggestion: "He was the only person skilled in medicine in town and was renown for his miracle cures." or something.

Four:

When we arrived I ran up the stairs ahead of them and opened the door to the spare bedroom. What I found there I will never forget, I can’t forget. My father was lying on the floor, dead, a deep hole was in his neck with blood pouring freely out, and standing above him was a Lycan with my father’s blood on his grey muzzle. I screamed and ran towards the door, but before I had the chance it leapt on me and everything went black.

"them"="him"
There should be a comma after "arrived" and the sentences where you describe finding your father and what he looked like need to be reprashed to me. Also, and this may just be me being stupid, but the part where you ran for the door and the Lycan attacked you was a bit confusing to me. For a second, I thought you were talking about the door attacking you. If I were you, I'd make it more like "What I found there I would neverf forget; it would haunt my every moment for the rest of my life. -New Paragraph-
My father lyed on the floor, dead. A deep gash in his neck was pooling blood out onto the floor and standing above him, it's gray muzzle stained with crimson, was a Lycan. I screamed and ran back towards the door, but before I had the chance the Lycan leapt on me and everything went black."

Overall:
Though it was a bit short, I liked it. It has a lot of promise and I really wanna know whats gonna happen next. There were a few other things that I didn't mention, but if you went back and re-read it I'm pretty sure you'd spot them for yourself. Sorry if this was too short or harsh^^;

I liked it, not many people know the scientific word for werewolf. Pandapez has already corrected your spelling errors, so I'll just tell you what I think it needs. Yes, it should be longer, unless this is a prolauge of course. The man who stumbles through the door should have more details. Instead of coming right out and saying that he looked sick, go with the other describing words first. Overall, I thought it has great potential, I can't wait to hear the rest!

Hey Boon! I didn't know you put this up, but I remembered I liked your prologue, so I was like "Hm.. I wonder if there was ever any more!" My instincts have served me well.

I. NITPICKS

a person stumbled through the front door of the pub.

Person just sounds weird. Why don't you just say man?

his skin pale whit, red eyes dilated,

white. Also, why aren't they pointing out the fact that his eyes are red over dilated?

shacking uncontrollably.

shaking.

as if he died suddenly.

I'd say "had died," personally.

I ran out of the building into the moon lit night.

I'm pretty sure moonlit is one word.

“What do you want, boy. Some of us have to sleep.”

boy should be followed by a question mark.

“Well, why didn’t you tell me sooner.”

Again, question mark.

into his door,

Like, into the woodwork, or through the door?

Right so.

II. DESCRIPTION

This is a good plotline, as far as bits of stories go, it just needs filling out. What does Tom look like? What can Lethero taste/smell, etc.? As he leaves the pub, what is going on? etc. etc. Just little things like that.

III. OVERALL

I still really enjoy it. Some filling wouldn't go amiss, nor would some proofreading.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.