My Pain

THIS IS NOT MY WORK! MY FRIEND WROTE THIS, AND I AM PUTTING IT UP SO SHE CAN TELL WHETHER OR NOT TO THROW IT AWAY! I THINK IT IS GOOD BUT SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE ME! PLEASE COMMENT!


I feel so used up

So used up

It hurts to remember

Your sweet carres

Your sugary words

I was so unaware

Blissfully unaware

Of the barbs they held

Only now

That my heart is already covered

Do I realize

Your true intentions

To use me

Just a toy

So easily broken...

So easily destroyed...

Let's see you smile now

With the gun in my hand

I'll end it all

With one loud bang

It's done

Oh wow. This was so full of emotion! I loved it! It flowed very nicely and had a deep thoughtful meaning. Just a few nitpicks;

Your sweet carries

Umm. What does this mean?

Since my heart is already covered

This just makes the poem run smoother.

Again, I loved the solemn mood of this. It was... astonishing. DON'T THROW IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell your friend to keep writing because this was great!
And, if she felt like adding a bit more these could make great lyric!

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

I'm locking this. It's site policy to post for others, so that kind of sucks, but site policy is site policy, no? ^^

If your friend wants reviews or comments, I encourage her to join YWS. I'm sure you can tell her that we don't bite... plus, we could make her go from throwing away poems (which she should never do!) to editing them and making them better. And that's really the awesome thing.

(And she should totally revise this poem, if she thinks it's horrible. It'll get prettier that way. )

Anyway, locked. Hopefully, you can get your friend to join.