Sweet Little Felicity

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Well, it's been forever since I've posted on here, so sorry for the wait. In between long terms of writer's block and being grounded from the internet for weeks on end, I haven't really found the time to get on here. So, here's a little story for you all to eat alive, tear apart, and make all better! Enjoy!

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I was in Motherhood Maternity with my sister and pregnant mother, waiting for Mom to start craving a pretzel and leave the store so I could purchase something for myself.

“Okay, I’m done,” Mom said, handing me her handful of maternity outfits and her purse. “Lanie, pay for these, and Stella,” she said, motioning for my sister to follow her out the door, “I need a pretzel.”

Once she was out the door, I set her clothes down and began looking for some clothes for me. I grabbed a few tops and took them into the dressing room. Most of the tops were too big, leaving a little growing room for when “it” started to grow. I changed back into my clothes, and opened the dressing room door, running smack dab into Matt. “You want to tell me what you’re doing in here trying on maternity clothes?” he asked.

How did he find me here? Did he somehow know I was pregnant? He must have, because how else would my best friend in the entire world find me in this store, of all places? I glanced up at him and found a handsome face staring down at me with understanding, concerned eyes that had helped me through so many problems before.

That's when I knew that he was the one I could tell my secret to. I opened the door wider, inviting him in and told him. Told him about Tony and that night when my parents were out of town. Told him about how Tony was out of condoms and I hadn’t thought to go on birth control. Told him that no one could ever know because I’d get kicked out of my house. Told him about Tony threatening me and the baby, if I did get pregnant. Told him that I had nowhere to go, that I was all alone.

And he had just sat there, running his fingers through my hair while my head rested in his lap. He had told me that I wasn’t all alone: that I had him.

From that day forward, he’d helped me through my pregnancy, helping me tell my mom, letting me live with him when she kicked me out, and now, supporting the two of us while I worked on getting my G.E.D.


I reached up and touched his soft chin. “Of course I remember.”

We laid there for a few more minutes until Felicity came running into our room. She climbed up onto the bed and onto Matt’s chest, mimicking my position. He stroked her hair and turned away from me to face her.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.”

“Mmmmorning Daddy,” she said as she nuzzled her face into his shoulder. He kissed her forehead, and turning to me, did the same. “Time for the Breckenridge girls to go to school,” he said, in a singsong voice.

“But Daddy…” Felicity whined.

“But Daddy…” I repeated in a whisper, digging my nose in between his chest and his arm. He stretched his arms out and hugged us both tightly.

“I think that I have to call the tickle-monster, don’t you, Mommy?” he said to Felicity.

“No! Nooo!” she squealed in delight as he rolled her over and held her down while I tickled her belly.

“Who wants to go to school now?” he had to yell to be heard over her screams.

“I do! I do!” she yelled as she hopped off the bed, her long dark curls trailing behind her, and ran into her room.

“We both sat up, and I got out from underneath the covers. Putting on my slippers, I walked around the bed and headed toward the closet. En route, I noticed an adoring smile on his lips.

“What?” I said, smiling. His expression didn’t change, nor did his expression, so I walked closer to the bed.

“What?” I asked again and turned toward the closet.

“Come here,” he whispered. I was about to walk away and try to play hard to get, but then I turned around and looked at him again and everything inside me melted. I suddenly couldn’t resist the thought of being close to him.

Apparently, he was impatient too because before I could even get to the bed, he had a hold of both sides of my robe and was pulling me into him. He leaned back and rolled over and began kissing me. Everywhere. He started at my wrists, alternating from arm to arm, moving upward until he reached my shoulders. Then he let his mouth linger over my heart and breathed slowly into my chest for what felt like hours before resuming his kissing pattern. I loved this little routine so much that I let out a little Felicity-like giggle. When he got to my neck, I leaned my head back, just trying to prolong the moment. He always saved my lips for last, so I provided him with every other place to kiss me. I closed my eyes, turned my head to either side, and then, when I decided I was ready, I smiled an open-mouth smile, inviting him in. He immediately accepted and kissed me passionately, knocking the breath right out of me. I couldn’t make myself pull away, even for breath. I pulled him closer and closer, kissing him more and more.

We were about to go a little farther when I heard a little giggle coming from the hallway.

“Mommy, what were you and Daddy doing?” Felicity laughed.

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Matt replied, “How about we go make some breakfast, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” she said, as she walked with him down the hallway, but not before turning around and giving me a little smile.
Last edited by x0xGilmore Girliex0x on Wed Jan 07, 2009 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey ^_^

I tend not to come over here very often--Romance, that is. But I'll see what I can say.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

This is a horrible phrase to open with. Not only is it severely overused, but I can see already that a lot of what happens is very specific, and so don't play with what the narrator remembers. The fact that you are writing this in past tense shows me that it happened in the past. Get rid of it. Throw us into the story.

with my sister and [s]my[/s] pregnant mother,

The repetition is not needed.

I actually don't like any of that first paragraph, to be honest. It's irrelevant. I'd much rather just see this as we go along, since there's an awful lot of telling in that opening section. For example we don't need to know the name of the shop (which ought to be italicised, by the way), but if you want to, just say something like "Mom ran out of Motherhood Maternity" or something.

maternity clothes?” he asked

Why "he"? "a man" would be more appropriate.

Right now, I'd like to talk about the section where the guy comes in. I'm actually a little worried. I see a handsome man grooming teenage girl. She's willing to trust a random man in a shop...? Why? Can you explain? And what's his name? And how did their relationship develop? And why is Lanie checking out maternity stuff? Alright, she's pregnant, I get that, but if she hasn't told her parents then why is she so easy about it?

My biggest issue is just that; we're told about what happened but no idea why. Relationships can develop quickly especially when she's scared (I'd like some more about that, emotion, as opposed to self-absorbed Lanie), but...this? Basically, shed in some more emotion.

Alrighty. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with that chapter, but it didn't draw me in. You see, this stories are done so much that there isn't a lot of room for another--that is, teenage girl gets pregnant and meets a handsome stranger. You need to shed a positive spin on this--give your character something unique and real but also make Matt's personality. Perhaps a dark object in her past haunts her. And where's Tony? He's barely mentioned and again, she's so placid. I hope that I've helped somewhat, and as always, I'm here for any questions that you may have.

Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde




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That's when I knew that he was the one I could tell my secret to. I opened the door wider, inviting him in and told him. Told him about Tony and that night when my parents were out of town. Told him about how Tony was out of condoms and I hadn’t thought to go on birth control. Told him that no one could ever know because I’d get kicked out of my house. Told him about Tony threatening me and the baby, if I did get pregnant. Told him that I had nowhere to go, that I was all alone.
I would add dialogue here. Just so we know the tone you were using, and so we get more details about how distressed she really is.

And he had just sat there, running his fingers through my hair while my head rested in his lap. He had told me that I wasn’t all alone: that I had him.

From that day forward, he’d helped me through my pregnancy, helping me tell my mom, letting me live with him when she kicked me out, and now, supporting the two of us while I worked on getting my G.E.D.
you might want to let the reader know how long this took to happen. It's just a tense change because it seems like you zip through time pretty fast




Apparently, he was impatient too because before I could even get to the bed, he had a hold of both sides of my robe and was pulling me into him. He leaned back and rolled over and began kissing me. Everywhere. He started at my wrists, alternating from arm to arm, moving upward until he reached my shoulders. Then he let his mouth linger over my heart and breathed slowly into my chest for what felt like hours before resuming his kissing pattern. I loved this little routine so much that I let out a little Felicity-like giggle. When he got to my neck, I leaned my head back, just trying to prolong the moment. He always saved my lips for last, so I provided him with every other place to kiss me. I closed my eyes, turned my head to either side, and then, when I decided I was ready, I smiled an open-mouth smile, inviting him in. He immediately accepted and kissed me passionately, knocking the breath right out of me. I couldn’t make myself pull away, even for breath. I pulled him closer and closer, kissing him more and more.
very good use of details right here!

Good job with details and the element of romance between the characters!
with love,
smileforever




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x0xGilmore Girliex0x wrote: That's when I knew *that he was the one I could tell my secret to. I opened the door wider, inviting him in and told him. Told him about Tony and that night when my parents were out of town. Told him about how Tony was out of condoms and I hadn’t thought to go on birth control. Told him that no one could ever know because I’d get kicked out of my house. Told him about Tony threatening me and the baby, if I did get pregnant. Told him that I had nowhere to go, that I was all alone.

*: Kind of a pet peeve of mine. These kinds of phrases just kind of annoy me. If I were you I'd try to rephrase this sentence.
I really liked your repetition of 'told him' here.

1stViolinS.C. wrote: We were about to go a little farther when I heard a little giggle coming from the hallway.

Woah, that sounds weird the way you said that :)

It was a cute story. I think you could make it a lot longer though. Take them through the entire pregnancy ordeal, really develop the characters.
I like it though, you write very well :)
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ok I don't really know where your going with this. I liked the way you put detail and emotion into this, but I can't see why you started with when she first told him she was pregnant then went all the way to when she was in bed with him. I think this is a bit too rushed. I want to here what really happened after she left the store, but its your story not mine. If this is a chapter book then I'd like to see where your going with this.

Overal it was prety good story whith very few grammer mistakes, and good chatacters, and nice detail.
pm me if you have any questions or coments.
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Hey! I like this story. It's pretty cool. There are a couple things you should fix though. One, Matt (not Mark, right?) talks about the B-something (sorry, I can't remember the name. in a hurry right now) girls getting ready for school. He never completely identifies who they are. Second, the girl from who's perspective the story is being told says out of the blue, in the middle of talking about moving in with the guy, that "of course I remember". What is she saying this in response to? And you should specify who exactly Felicity is (I'm guessing she's the baby, but just to make things a little more clear.). Hope this helps! ~S.C. 8)




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hey! that was a sweet story, but there are somethings to be fixed.
I have a question, what's the name of the main character?.
also, why does Matt finds her in the maternity store?.
and when she says "of course I remember", what is she answering to?.
There are also some grammar mistakes, but no big deal.
I really like Felicity, she seems such a cute girl!.
Continue practicing!, best of luck.
"It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, despite everything, that people are truly good at heart" Anne Frank.

Diana!




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Alright so far I like where this is going! I wish there had been more time in between the bedroom scene and the scene from the store. I think if you explained a little bit more on how the two of them got together it would bring more emotion into the story. I seemed to jump a little bit leaving a lot of unanswered questions! Other than that I like the story line and concept but would love more explanation!



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